I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t meet with this woman who was claiming that she wasmy mother. I said I would but I just couldn’t do it. I don’t want to go back to the past. I wasn’t Dylan Kyle Dubois anymore. I’m Dylan Anderson, mother of two and loving wife of Sean Anderson. I sat on my couch, as the doorbell rang at noon. I couldn’t bring myself to answer it. I wouldn’t reminisce on the past. I never did and today wouldn’t be the exception.
When the knocks died down, I peeked out of my bedroom window, watching her drive-away. I felt a little uneasy but it was better this way. I strolled by the mirror and glanced at myself, smoothing my top down, as I ruffled my hair. How had she recognized me? I barely looked like a man anymore. There was nothing physically left of Dylan Kyle Dubois except my peen. Was it my eyes? How had she recognized me?
It didn’t matter. I had other things to do. I had to prepare myself for Philadelphia so, I had to do as much research as possible. I pulled my laptop off of my desk and slid onto my bed, surfing about the undeniable bottom surgery.
I surfed around the web until I was thoroughly scared. I slammed the laptop shut quickly. The surgery was definitely nerve wrecking – just reading the descriptions had me nervous. So, I decided to do house chores instead to get my mind off it. I cleaned until everything around me was pristine. I did all of the laundry, and even cooked dinner.
“Dylan,” I heard Sean’s voice echo throughout the house. I glanced at the clock. It was only three. He was home early.
“In here Sean,” I replied as he walked into the kitchen.
“Dylan – we need to talk,” he said placing an envelope on the counter top.
“What’s going on? Don’t tell me you were fired?” I replied in shock.
“No Dylan,” he sighed. “I wasn’t fired but I was visited by a woman today.”
I froze.
“A woman?” I shrugged pretending as if I didn’t know who he was talking about.
“Yes Dylan – the same woman who you told me was a saleswoman yesterday,” he continued. “She gave me this envelope.”
“And?” I shrugged. “What did she say Sean?”
Sean was quiet for a moment, running his fingers through his hair. He bit his lip as he opened the envelope, pulling its contents out.
“She said that she was your mother, Dylan,” he said handing me a few photos. I glanced at them quickly, staring at the contents of the photos. It definitely was me as a child. There were a few of me in girl’s clothes – my parents had thought it was a phase. Thankfully I was sexually ambiguous as a child.
“Is that it, Dylan?” I asked staring down at the stove.
“Is that it? Is that it? Dylan, you lied to me! You told me your mother was dead!” Sean retorted.
“Sean, I don’t want to talk about this,” I groaned. “I don’t want her in my life, ok?”
“Dylan, she’s your mother,” Sean continued.
“I don’t care,” I huffed.
“Fine Dylan,” Sean huffed. “I still can’t believe you lied to me. We never lie to each other about anything, Dylan. Is your father even dead?”
I bit my lip, not wanting to say anymore. Thank god she didn’t tell Sean about me being born a guy. Thank god.
“I see,” Sean said sucking his teeth. “Fine. Fine.”
With that said, he stormed out of the kitchen not saying another word. He was pissed at me, I could tell. I didn’t like lying to Sean. It’s just I had to lie in order to keep things in order. I lied about being a woman to him, and all the other lies stemmed from that big lie. Well, I technically didn’t lie, I am a woman – I just wasn’t born a woman. I am mentally and almost physically a woman.
It just seemed like my life was crumbling around me. I had to tell him. He needed to know.
“Sean, I’m sorry,” I said walking into the living rom. “I’m sorry I lied.”
“Dylan, we’ve been together for ten years,” Sean replied. “Ten years! We have two kids and you’ve lied to me that long. It makes me wonder what else you’ve been lying to me about.”
“Sean,” I said sitting beside him on the couch. “I love you and yes, I’ve kept some things from you but it’s only because I love you.”
“Things?” he repeated. I nodded, as I bit my lip. I guess it was now or never. I had to tell him.
“Sean, it’s hard for me to say this to you,” I said quietly – my eyes beginning to water.
“Dylan,” he said running his hand across my back. “What?”
“I lied about my parents because I’ve been lying to you about who I really am,” I sighed as the tears fell from my face. “Sean – I was born Dylan . . . Kyle Dubois.”
“I don’t understand, Dylan,” Sean began standing up from off the couch. “What are you trying to say, Dylan? Because it sounds like – “
“Sean, I was born a guy,” I said finally. Sean was quiet for a moment, trying to process what I was saying. He shook his head, sitting back down onto the couch. I stared down at my lap, as tears fell down my face.
“Is this some sick joke, Dylan? Because if it is, then it’s not funny,” Sean huffed. “You can’t be – You’re not a man. Dylan? Dylan! Answer me! Dylan!”
“I’m serious Sean,” I huffed. “I was born a man but I’ve never felt like man. I’ve been a woman for as long as I can remember, ok? I’m legally a woman. I’m just not completely physically one, ok?”
“Wait a minute! Wait a minute! So, you’re telling me you still have a - a – “
“A penis, Sean? Yes,” I retorted. “I was going to get the procedure, Sean. Liz and I – “
“Liz knew this entire time! So, let me get this straight! You’ve been hiding that you were a guy this entire fucking time! We got married and exchanged vows and you just let me believe that you are a woman!? –
“Sean, I wanted to tell you – “
“Stop it, Dylan! Save it, ok? I can’t believe this! I can’t fucking believe this! I’ve been fucking a guy for the past ten years of my life! A fucking guy! This is great!” Sean growled. “Who else knows beside Liz?”
“No one, Sean,” I replied. “I swear to you and I’m not a guy, Sean. I’ve never felt like one. This doesn’t change anything, Sean. I love you. I’m still the same person you fell in love with. Sean, I -I am your wife.”
“You are not my wife,” Sean retorted. “You are a man and a liar.”
His words stung. I forced back the tears as I stood up, walking quickly to the closet to grab my jacket. Sean didn’t stop me. He just let me go. I walked out our home, tears rolling down my cheeks and drove to Liz’s house. I was hyperventilating and it felt like there was a weight on my chest. I couldn’t breathe and the world was spinning around me. I couldn’t believe this was happening. My life was crumbling away right in front of my eyes.
My husband, my kids, my house, my dream – just gone.
I pulled my heels off, rushing to get inside of Liz’s house. The door swung open, and Liz already knew. She wrapped her arms around me, as I cried. I couldn’t stop crying. It could have been the estrogen, but I don’t think it was. I had lost my husband; the one thing that I never wanted to lose.
