Words a Mother Never Heard (Wattys2016)

Nichole and Jamie cont.....

"The last time I saw Nichole alive was my 21st birthday, March 17, 2004. She met the family and I up at a local bar called Docs to celebrate with us. Her beautiful face walked in and bought shots of Jack Daniels and made me sit there and drink them before she left. I have never been so sick. To this day, 11 years later, I still can't drink Jack or even smell it, without feeling sick. And that was the last time I saw her alive."

I did talk to Nichole a few times after that, including the day she died. I had called where she and my mom were working. I wanted to tell my mom all about my new car but Nichole answered, so I told her first. We made plans for me to pick her up the following Friday, we were going to go on a road trip together. We didn't know where or what we were going to do, but that didn't matter as long as we were together. Unfortunately that Friday we had planned to spend together, was the Friday of her funeral."

"I remember the day she died so vividly. It was the day that has impacted my life everyday since. I struggle so much. I think of her constantly, but I can't cry. You see Nichole and I talked about death and losing each other so much over the years. I know she would be upset with me if I would dwell on it. She told me numerous times, "If I die before you Jamie, don't have a funeral for me, have one big ass party with a D.J, great food and lager bombs (her favorite drink). Celebrate my life, don't grieve it." That is what I try to do. Not a day has gone by that I don't think about her. I miss her so much, I tried to convince myself it wasn't real for awhile. Then I remember being in the morgue looking at her and feeling it was all a bad dream, but it isn't. All I can do is think of my childhood with her, that keeps a smile on my face."

"I miss her everyday. I would do anything to see her once again, to talk to her. But I feel so blessed to have had her in my life, even if it was a short 21 years. She has forever changed my life. I believe she is with me, surrounding me with her love. I feel it... and I see it when I look at Lily (my daughter). Lillian in so many ways reminds me of Nichole already. I believe Nichole is wrapped around Lillian as well, loving and protecting her. I believe it, because she promised she would!"

These next few chapters are from Jamie's brother, Tiger.

"T" is what most of his friends call him now that he is grown. However growing up he was Tiger to Nichole and his "real" name is Randolph (Randy). Tiger is Nichole's cousin, the one that let her "dress" him up when she was little! He spent a great deal of time with us because he and her brothers are very close in age. I am sure if you asked him he would say he thinks of her more like a sister than a cousin.

When Nichole was young she use to say, "I'm gonna marry Tiger when I get big." I would try to make her understand that she couldn't marry him because he was related. She would respond "uh-huh yes I can", she obviously had no concept of being related. Even as a teen she would say, "Momma if Tiger wasn't my cousin..." , she admired him all her life.

Tiger always has a smile on his face when he talks about Nichole, as we all do, with a touch of sadness in his eyes. Her love of laughter is contagious even now. I think her love of life and her laughter is what we all use to fill the huge hole in our hearts that was created when she left us.

When I asked Tiger about a memory he would like to share he told me "Auntie I thought a lot about this and I chose this one". His choice was one from when she was an adult. He has been in a Hip Hop group for several years and his memory revolves around that. Here is what he said.

"I remember she would get so excited when we performed, I truly believe she was our biggest fan! She even came to our practices with the same enthusiasm. When she found out that we were working on a new song she always wanted to be the first to hear it. Occasionally we would sit around and write lyrics together. I always loved her for that." It was during her "groupie" (LOL) period that she got the nickname, Baby Dove.

It was Tiger that started the tattoo domino effect when Nichole died. A lot of the tattoos that people got were themed with a dove. My tattoo is a heart with a banner going through it, the banner says Sissy, that's what I called her. There is a purple rose next to it, it was her favorite color.

In keeping with her hip hop nickname, at her funeral we released two morning doves. It was very emotional watching those doves fly high up into the sky. In my minds eye I pictured her soaring with angel wings to the heavens.

I have been thinking about why I felt a need to share other people's memories of Nichole. I think I wanted you to see how deeply she touched those who were fortunate enough to have spent time with her. Not just the praises bestowed on her by a proud mother. I am sure there are many others who would jump at the chance to share their memories but then I would be writing an encyclopedia of Nichole(smile).

If you are still taking this journey with Nichole and I could you please take a moment to vote.