My face was a mess, but fortunately, today wasn't the actual shooting day. According to the manager, PD Jung observed me reading the script and mentioned that he was going to review it once more to make necessary revisions. I might have questioned why he was leaving my shoot until the last minute and revising the script so late, but I didn't have the mental capacity to dwell on that during my journey to the studio.
All I could manage was to push myself to breathe, keep moving my feet, and remind myself of what I needed to do today. If I lost my concentration and missed even a beat, the horrors of the previous night would come rushing back to haunt me like a relentless monster. I berated myself for putting off difficult issues like a child, but the fear was stubbornly persistent.
Recalling his words spoken last night and recognizing my own hypocrisy made it feel like I was choking. So it was fortunate that I had work to do now. Without it, I might have been curled up in a tiny goshiwon room, behaving like a fool. Even though pretending to be normal was excruciating at the moment.
"Let's start by just reading through it once. Just read it as if you're reading a book in Korean, okay?"
After giving instructions, PD Jung positioned a small camera in front of me. I glanced down at the script he had handed me and skimmed through the opening portion. Initially, it seemed identical to what I had memorized earlier, with no apparent changes. As if he sensed my thoughts, he elaborated.
"I made additions to the last part. I considered other people's input, but I also wanted to revise it after seeing your acting the other day. However... I couldn't quite figure out how to write it exactly, so I think I'll get a better sense of it when I watch you read it yourself."
He concluded with a small smile.
"Because, in my mind, Taemin is a real person."
When I received the green signal to start, I turned towards the camera and began silently mouthing the lines. The voice of the protagonist, faceless and remote, posed a question to me.
'What is your reason for living?'
Throughout the story, the protagonist had interviewed various people on this subject, including an actor who froze when facing the camera, played by Hansoo, and me, a friend from his hometown. I responded, 'I have no purpose in life.' He then inquired, 'But aren't you living now?' and asked whether I had discovered my purpose yet.
In the script, I reflect on my daily routine, pondering deeply over the protagonist's words. My daily life unfolds predictably. From Monday to Friday, the alarm goes off at 6:30 AM, and I begin my morning routine, preparing for work. I head to the office, carry out my assigned tasks, and lunch at the cafeteria. The evening sees me return home, perform chores, and ultimately dine alone in a silent house. It's a monotonous cycle, a series of repetitious actions.
"I exist solely because I'm alive. There's no purpose or meaning in my life."
This is the line I had memorized, marking the end of the interview. A person with no purpose in life. However, as PD Jung mentioned, there were additional lines at the end. My lips produced words I hadn't seen before, as if I were reading a Korean language book.
"I don't understand the joy of others. I observe and experience the same things, yet I can't understand why they laugh and find happiness. So, at times, I harbor doubts; must I continue living just because I'm breathing? Must I exist for the mere sake of existence? Could the fact that I'm still alive, be the rationale for a life I perceive as meaningless? Honestly, I don't know. If living without feeling anything is painful, then this pain is the cost of being alive. Isn't that undeniably harsh? I believe life only demands a reason for those who seek it. No matter how painful the reality is, even to the point of death, if someone can find laughter, feels grateful, and sense a bit of love in their surroundings... that person... deserves to find... a reason to live. Someone with such a heart..."
