-Payback-
"Turning over a new leaf". That's a good saying. Letting go of the past, being a good person is the right thing to do. However, it would be best to have a situation where you don't have to turn over a new leaf in the first place.
Unfortunately, I wasn't in the best situation. Because I was a complete jerk like a typical ruffian. Since middle school, I've been suspended frequently for doing all sorts of bad things, and I was expelled from high school after not attending for a year.
My mother, who raised me and my brother without her husband, also stopped berating me with a desperate face when I was expelled from school. She must have been very tired. She must have wanted to give up on her son as she was busy working at a restaurant from dawn and making ends meet. After not attending school, I thought it was my world like a foal without reins, so I did anything I wanted to. I forcefully took money from people wearing school uniforms of the same age, stole the money from drunkards and drank alcohol every day. Being free from anyone's interference, I smoked two or three packs a day, and later I began to engage in drugs, starting with what someone gave me. I got a tattoo to show off, rode a motorcycle, hung out with guys like me, and fought.
Probably because the only thing I knew how to do was fight, I led the group and enjoyed doing dangerous feats on the motorcycle in the middle of the night. I thought it was cool at the time. I thought that I was a great guy. Everyone was afraid of me, even fellows who were caught in school like pigs and only studied, they didn't even dare to meet my eyes.
Little did I know that all of these gradually numbed me and pushed me into an inescapable abyss.
From time to time, I hear some stories about people who turned over a new leaf, one of which says that one day he suddenly felt skeptical about himself and came to his senses. How nice would it be if I could do that too? It would have been good if I had looked in the mirror and got surprised by the blond haired delinquent and came to my senses. I know it's useless to regret now, but when I think about the past, the guilt weighs down my heart.
When other people reached the age where they had to rush to prepare for university entrance exams, I worked for a loan business, saying I was getting a job. What I do is collect the money. Most of the people who couldn't pay back their money were people who could barely live by, but have nowhere to run away to because they're so poor. However, in my eyes, it was just extra pay. I committed violence, threatened children and women, waited until midnight and stabbed* them with a knife. I did anything to get the money.
T/N: like back stabbing someone
The amount of money I earned was greater than I thought, and I was as proud as ever. See, making money is easy. Everyone was still afraid of me and there seemed to be nothing I couldn't do. My mom who spent a decade working in the restaurant and couldn't get out of the basement single-room monthly rent was pitiful and irritated. So I never brought home the money I earned. I was busy using them for entertainment. I drank expensive liquor every day, wandered around in high-end bars and pubs and enjoyed feeling
like I was an amazing person.
The only person I spent money on was my lover, Myeongshin. Having dropped out of high school like me, he was a pretty-looking man who could make people believe he was a woman. Myeongshin, who made me realise for the first time that I could sleep with men, didn't talk much but just followed me around like a puppy, spurred my protective instincts. There was no need to worry about getting pregnant and we could satisfy physiological needs at any time if needed. At first it was just that, but after meeting him for a year, I started thinking that he was my woman*.
T/N: In a sense it's just a saying like Myeonshin had a very feminine aura both somewhat physically and in his behaviour
Of course, I found out later that it was my own illusion. No, life itself at that time was an illusion to me, so I don't think he was anything special. Perhaps because of his outstanding appearance, he wanted to become a celebrity and diligently attended the academy with the money I gave him, and snooped around the entertainment agencies. I wondered if he would be able to act with that meek personality, but I didn't care much. It was my daily routine to comfort him, who was always deceived by fraud agencies, and lost money, and was depressed.
