for the hope of it all // Sebastian Sallow x reader

Pt 2 Chapter 31: Remorse

I wake up by the sun shining straight into my eyes. As I carefully open them I'm blinded by the brightness, but I think I manage to see some people surrounding me.

''Y/n?'' it's Sebastian's voice saying my name.

I feel a sense of relief when I hear his voice. It makes me feel like home. I open my eyes slightly and see his face. Poppy and Anne are also standing close to me. As I open my eyes further I see that I'm in the hospital wing.

''What happened?'' I ask quickly. ''I mean, after I passed out. What happened?''

They all exchange looks with each other, all looking equally bothered.

''You took out all the remaining goblins outside,'' Sebastian says in a hesitant voice. ''After that it was just the goblins that made it inside the castle.''

''Go on,'' I tell him impatiently.

''Well,'' Poppy begins while biting her lip nervously. ''The professors managed to take care of them. But not everyone made it.''

''What do you mean not everyone made it?'' I ask in a slightly annoyed tone, fearing what is about to come out of their mouths. ''Who didn't make it?''

They all exchange looks again, as if they are deciding who should break the news. This cannot be good. I am filled with anxiety, anger, sadness and guilt all at once.

''Professor Hecat didn't make it,'' Anne says in a low voice, looking down at my bed. ''Neither did Imelda.''

It feels as if the world stops for a second. I can't comprehend what just came out of her mouth.

''I'm sorry, love,'' Sebastian's voice is soft and sad. He places his lips on my forehead, but nothing can stop the wave of emotions crashing all over me.

''Are you sure?'' I ask, still in denial.

Poppy and Anne nod carefully, not saying a word. A wave of devastation and immense grief overflows me. While I cannot fully understand that this has really happened, I still feel as if a part of myself has been taken away when I try to get my head around the fact. And my heart aches at the thought that I never got a chance to tell her goodbye. I feel tears starting to stream down my cheeks. Sebastian sits down and looks at me with pained eyes. His eyes are slightly puffed, indicating that he's been crying too.

''Where's Ominis?'' I ask, still crying and barely able to put the words together.

''Last I saw him in the Undercroft,'' Anne says in a low voice. ''He wanted some time alone.''

''I think I need some, too,'' I say under my breath, rolling over to my side and burying my face in the pillow.

I feel Sebastian's lips on my temple followed by footsteps leaving. My crying gets more and more intense, leaving wet spots on my pillow. I need to gasp for air every now and then because of the crying. Eventually, I run out of tears and feel numb. And the numbness is worse than the pain, because with this feeling waves of guilt start crashing over me. The fact that I wasn't there when she needed me most and didn't even get to tell her goodbye. And I wonder if I could have done anything differently or better so that they would still be here.

I can't sleep that night. Thoughts of Imelda are running wild in my head. Images of her smile when we won the quidditch cup, her face when I beat her in the flying races and her dancing on tables. She made my life so much brighter in so many ways and I'm so grateful for our friendship. But a part of me can't let go of the fact that if it weren't for me, she would probably still be here. My thoughts are interrupted by a single pair of footsteps. As they get closer, I turn around in my bed and see Ominis. He looks completely devastated.

''Ominis,'' I say as I sit up in my bed.

He doesn't say a single word as he walks over to the bed and carefully sits down on a chair next to it.

''There was nothing I could do,'' he says in a low voice.

''I can't imagine what you're going through,'' I say in a sympathetic voice. ''I'm so sorry, Ominis.''

''So am I,'' he says in a monotone voice.

We are silent for a good moment, but we both know that we are there for each other. Sometimes silence is all you need, because there is nothing to say. Our pain is impossible to compare, but we both carry it.

''I blame myself,'' I tell him in a low voice, hugging my pillow firmly.

''I know you are,'' he says. ''Imelda wouldn't want you to hold onto this pain or the grief. It's not yours to carry.''

''I know, Ominis,'' I say firmly. ''But that doesn't make it go away.''

He rolls his thumbs nervously and I continue hugging my pillow firmly. Now I wish Sebastian was here to hold me.

''Do you know what it's like?'' Ominis starts saying in a serious, yet slightly upset tone. ''To have someone you love, the only one you love, being ripped away from you just like that?''

''No, I don't,'' I tell him in a low voice. There really is nothing I can say to make his pain go away, except for just being there.

''It feels you're reliving every worst moment of your life over and over,'' he says in a low voice, before standing up and walking away.

My body still feels completely exhausted, completely drained. I assume this is what dying a slow death feels like. The sun is starting to set outside of the castle when I see Nurse Blainey walking over to me with a pressed smile.

''Is there anything I can do for you?'' she asks softly.

''Get Sebastian for me, if you don't mind,'' I ask her in a low voice, avoiding looking into her eyes as I feel embarrassed over my red and puffy eyes.

After about 30 minutes they return together. Sebastian walks over to me with fast steps and sits down at the end of my bed.

''Nurse Blainey said I could take you out of here,'' he says in a kind voice. ''As long as you come back to see her in the morning or in case you get worse.''

I nod slowly. It would be nice to get out of here because I feel as if I'm constantly being watched here, which is something I'd like to avoid given the state I'm in. We leave the hospital wing together, me carefully clinging onto Sebastian's arm. We walk slowly to the castle and he takes me to the room of requirement. He closes his eyes and the door appears. Soon, we are inside and we sit down on the familiar sofa.

Sebastian takes up his wand and swings it carefully, making at least 20 burning candles appear in the room. He holds me in his arms, stroking my hair carefully. For some reason I think this is his body's way of telling me he loves me, just as I have the hand squeeze. Though my heart feels heavy with the loss of Imelda, I find some strength in knowing that Sebastian is supporting me through this.

We spend the night holding each other close, sharing memories and stories of Imelda and finding solace in the brightness she brought to our lives. Sebastian gives me gentle words of comfort and reassurance, reminding me that I'm not alone with my pain. That he is here to carry it with me. And despite the pain, my thoughts wander off to the moment I told myself I would love him for better or for worse. And this moment might just be the very worst. And if he can love me through this, we can love through anything.

What might pain me the most is the thought of what could have been for Imelda. The quidditch team, a life with Ominis and everything else. And the worst part is that she was in such a dark place her last time in life. That she left us before it had a chance to get any better. I am grateful for the memories, the laughs and her wisdom words, but I will miss her until the very last day of my own life.