for the hope of it all // Sebastian Sallow x reader

P2 Chapter 3: It's Nice To Have A Friend

I am woken up by Imelda shaking my shoulders. Not the best possible awakening one can imagine.

''Get up, you're going to be late,'' she says in an annoyed tone. ''Charms class starts in 10 minutes.''

I roll out of bed quickly and have to rush through my morning routine. When I stand in front of the mirror I am almost surprised by the dark circles under my eyes. Normally I could be lacking sleep and barely get any, but I guess that too many sleepless nights are making themselves known in other ways than just inside of my head.

Throughout almost the entire class I feel Sebastian looking at me. The rush from hatred, that I first felt yesterday, is running through my entire body. I glare back at him in hopes that he will stop, but he doesn't. As we walk out of class I walk slowly, so that he can catch up with me.

''Do you have a problem?'' I ask him in a low voice.

''With you? No,'' Sebastian responds in a collected voice. ''I just need to catch up on the hours I missed out looking at you.''

''Can you not?'' I spit out.

He stops and grabs my arm. I stop walking as well, standing in front of him.

''I messed up, okay?'' his voice is soft. ''But I will spend every day trying to make things right. Does that not count for anything?''

''No,'' I tell him. ''I despise you.''

He looks surprised. And sad. His eyes fall to his feet. I, on the other hand, feel more alive than I have in a long time. It felt so good letting him know how I feel and I feel a rush from telling him such a thing.

''No,'' Sebastian says in a calm voice. ''You don't.''

''I have never despised anyone more in my entire life,'' my voice is low.

''Oh, really?'' Sebastian asks in a daring voice, as if this is some sort of joke.

Something about the tension and the tone in his voice makes this feel exciting. It's as if the hatred is turning into some sort of explosion, making me want more of it.

''I guess I would also spend all my days and nights glancing at the person I despise most,'' Sebastian shrugs as he says it. His tone is sarcastic. ''And finding myself in the place where I always hung out with this person. I mean, that makes so much sense.''

I know what he's trying to say, but he doesn't understand me. I despise him after what he did to me. What he did to us. Of course I miss the happy and sweet moments, but I hate him for pushing me away and doing what he did to us. I turn around and walk away. I can't even stand the sight of him.

''You know where to find me,'' he calls out behind me.

I have no intention of meeting him. However, it does sound tempting after getting a taste of that fiery tension. Maybe hate is an even stronger and more powerful and magnetic feeling than love? I ask myself if it makes sense to want someone you hate, but I get no good answers.

In the common room I head over to Imelda and Ominis. Imelda seems to be reading him a book. They are so sweet together, it actually makes me sick sometimes.

''Hi Y/n,'' Imelda looks up from the book and gives me a smile.

''Am I interrupting?'' I ask, not wanting to get in the way of their moment together.

''You could never interrupt,'' Imelda says and Ominis gives me a gentle smile.

''I heard Sebastian has been trying to talk to you,'' Ominis asks in hopes to get some details.

''He did,'' I tell them.

''And..?'' Imelda asks impatiently. She's desperate for answers.

''Well, it's nothing much,'' I tell them in a low voice. ''He apologized and said that he would wait for however long it takes for me to come back.''

Imelda  gives me a big smile. Ominis looks indifferent.

''That's great news,'' she says in a happy tone, but quickly senses that it might not be. ''Right?''

''Well,'' I start, but hesitate. ''I'm glad he apologized, but I can't just go back to the way it was.''

''Why not?'' Imelda argues.

''Did he send you to talk me into it, or something?'' I snarl at her.

I give her an angry eye and she bats me an even angrier eye. Ominis can probably feel the tension between Imelda and I.

''Relax Y/n,'' Ominis says in a calm voice. ''You know what I think of him, but I'm going to tell you this. As your friend, not his. You loved each other, that doesn't go away just like that. I get that you're scared of having your heart broken, but you need to think for yourself. What is that you want? It takes time to figure out the answer, but it won't kill you to seek it. And in the end, if it really is him that you want, it might just be worth the risk.''

Ominis is clever. And a good friend. His words actually stick with me. That I need to figure out what I want. And whether or not it's Sebastian, I need to do it for me. I go over the last year in my head, our beautiful moments where he really was the sweetest boyfriend. But I also acknowledge the bad things. His jealousy, which I mostly found a bit funny and exciting, but also our last fight in the Undercroft. How he intentionally hurt me. And even though he apologized I'm still conflicted about forgiving him, because he did hurt me with his words. On purpose. And there really is no guarantee that he won't do it again the next time he's upset.

I decide that Sebastian and I can be friends for now. It's not a promise of anything in the future, but rather a compromise that he won't be my enemy until I figure out. However, I suspect that it's hard to be friends with someone you feel fiery hatred towards.

As I step foot in the Undercroft, he is already there and starts walking towards me. He puts his hand on my arm. Before he has a chance to open his mouth I start talking, subconsciously not pulling away my arm from him either.

''We can be friends,'' I tell him in a low voice as I look into his eyes.

''That's a start,'' he says in a firm voice as he squeezes my arm softly.

''But I still despise you,'' I say in a low voice, burning my eyes into his.

I expect him to get uncomfortable, but he doesn't seem to. Instead, he looks rather content.

''Very well,'' he says softly. ''I can work with that. But, if you despise me so much, why haven't you pulled your arm away from me?''

I pull away quickly, feeling rather embarrassed. I can feel my cheeks flush a bit. He was the one supposed to get embarrassed, not me. I feel his touch lingering on my arm, as if my skin is on fire where he touched me.

''Don't worry, Y/n,'' he says with a smirk. ''I was just being friendly.''

I roll my eyes at him, which makes him smile. I'm done in the Undercroft, so I feel it's just appropriate for me to leave. After all, he has claimed the Undercroft as his territory. I start walking, still feeling on fire from the hatred towards him.

''Oh,'' Sebastian says behind me. ''Just because we're friends doesn't mean I won't wait for you.''

I stop walking for a second, but proceed to the exit as soon as I have let his words sink in. It's almost as if I get a rush from excitement when I tell him how much I despise him. It makes me feel alive, but also desperate for him. It's like my body aches for him, the more I tell myself that I hate him, but my mind stays in the clear telling me that I hate him.