for the hope of it all // Sebastian Sallow x reader

P2 Chapter 7: A Man And His Quill

Sebastian's POV

I want nothing more than to kiss her and it hurts me so much to turn her down. There is nothing I'm aching for more than to feel her soft lips on mine. But she has had a couple of drinks and moments ago she kissed Garreth. Seeing them together felt like a knife being stabbed into my chest. And the way she looked at me with her lips locked on his, made it feel as if someone was twisting that knife. I fully respect that she might benefit from having options, from feeling something for someone else. And in the end, if she chooses someone else over me, I'd let her go. Because there is nothing more I want for her than to be happy. And if I can't be in the picture, that is something I am willing to accept.

But for now, it's hope that keeps me going. Hopes that if I make things right, we can be happy together in the end. Of course I noticed that her attempt to kiss me was an impulse, but nonetheless I felt proud of my ability to not kiss her. The next time we kiss will be when it's us. No one else in the picture, just the two of us.

We walk in silence, the tension is pressed. I'm wondering how she felt when she kissed him. Did it feel magic, like our kisses? Did his lips feel like home? These are questions I will never ask out loud, so I fold them away in my head. It feels as if she's going to say something, but we remain silent. My main goal is to get her to the common room safely. However, I feel stupid not saying a word. She looks so beautiful in the dark castle with shadows cast over her face, and I remember how I used to make her blush so much I could see it in the darkness.

''You know,'' she breaks the silence with her low, soft voice. ''When I tell you I despise you, I mean it.''

My heart feels heavy, as if it's breaking. But I remember Ominis telling me that he didn't blame her, so I try my very best to understand why she despises me.

''You have every right to hate me,'' I tell her in a low voice, so I don't wake up any of the portraits.

''I hate you for walking away from me so easily,'' she mutters. ''For making it seem like I was easy to leave behind. Because I'm not, but you made me feel like I was nothing.''

''I know,'' I tell her.

I want to pour my heart out on how I was acting like a complete moron, but I'll save her from the details. She knows that I know how badly I messed up. And since I know words won't fix this, I let her go on without being interrupted.

''I hate you because everything reminds me of you,'' she goes on, starting to sound upset. ''And I hate you because I had to reinvent myself completely to mend what you destroyed.''

I hate knowing how much I hurt her, but I figure that I owe her to listen. To be aware about the damage I caused.

''Let's get you to bed safely,'' I tell her in a soft voice.

''I'm not going to be able to sleep,'' she says in a low tone. ''But thanks for getting me to the common room safely.''

''You don't have to thank me,'' I say.

All I want is to make sure that she is safe and happy. And if I can help her in any way, I will.

''I feel terrible for leaving Garreth without a proper goodbye,'' she tells me.

I feel a wave of jealousy flowing over me, but this is not the time for jealous outrages. So instead I'm there for her.

''Yeah,'' I say, rather unsure of what to say since I'd rather not talk about him at all. ''You can always thank him the next time you see him.''

''I guess,'' her voice is low. ''Why are you even helping me with him, anyway?''

I'm silent, looking at some paintings on the wall.

''Because I want you to be happy,'' I say.

''Well,'' she sounds as if she's hesitating. ''Doesn't it upset you?''

I frown.

''Of course it does,'' I say with a slightly bothered voice. ''But if you want him, I'd want you to go for him.''

We get to the common room and I tell her goodnight. She lingers but starts heading off.

''I still despise you,'' I hear her mutter as she's walking away to her dormitory,

I smile for myself when she's walking away. Not because I'm particularly happy about the situation, but because I feel so happy around her even if she tells me how much she hates me. I head to my room, where everyone is already asleep. I grab my quill and some parchment and head back into the common room. I sit down at a table and look at the blank canvas in front of me.

For as long as I can remember, I have always loved books. Sinking into an unknown story, fully becoming the character you're reading about. As a child I dreamt of writing one, but I never found the inspiration to write nor did I have any ideas that could actually become a book. However, Y/n had always inspired me.

Thinking back on our relationship, from the first time we met and our very first duel two years ago I never thought about how she changed her life or how much she always meant to me. When she met me, I was starting to slip into bad path. I turned to dark magic, which consumed me more and more for every day that passed. I drowned in books about dark magic, fascinated by the power I could be able to wield. And once I tried it, it was difficult to not turn to it. It was even difficult not to think about it. I went so deep into that dark hole, in desperate hopes of saving Anne, that I lost myself and all sense of what used to me. But she pulled me back from it. I'm not even sure that she is aware, but she saved me.

When I was at the bottom, she pulled me up. And believed in me when I had no faith what so ever. And for that I am eternally grateful. But those kinds of wounds that I gave myself are harder to heal than one may think. I firmly believe that if it wasn't for her, I would have had myself killed by now or gotten lost in dark magic. And since she forgave me, I found the peace to forgive myself, something I thought would never be possible. And I think that may be how my book goes. How a boy meets a girl, he falls in love with her, she saves him. The ending is still rather blurry, but I decide that in my book we will end up together so that I can have her forever, even if it's just in my imagination.

I start writing and I don't know for how long I sit there, completely sinking into my story. I have the best time writing about our early relationship – the duel, taking her to Hogsmeade and sneaking into the library. The moments where I started falling for her, not even aware of it. I remember every little detail. Her smile, her flushed cheeks, the strands of hair in her face. How nervous I got whenever I was around her, but tried to hide it so I had a chance at charming her. Absolutely desperate to make her fall for me, even if it was just a little bit. So that I could have just a piece of her heart.

I think about what I should do for her on the date I'm taking her. Our dating history had been rather awful, since I don't function when I'm nervous and she makes me incredibly weak. The only successful one that was actually planned was the one at the lake this spring, when I gave her the heart pin. But of course, things went south quickly after that. I need to do something spectacular, while it also feels natural. Nothing can feel forced and if I make the slightest mistake, she's gone forever.