𝐆𝐡𝐨𝐬𝐭 • ᵐⁱⁿˢᵘⁿᵍ

Dear Diary 20.4

Dear Diary,

I fucked up. Like royally fucked up. Big time fucked up. I did something that I wished I could go back in time and undo. I wish he would forget I did it. I wish I could forget I did it.

I couldn't even face him after I did it. I ran away so fast that my heart felt like it was going to beat outside my chest. Yet, my legs didn't stop. I kept running all the way until I was nearly home. I only stopped because I felt like I was about to pass out. The world around me spun and the next thing I knew was that I was hunched over with my lunch on the ground in front of me. My throat burned from the stomach acid and my legs ached from the lactic acid.

When I sat down to rest I could feel my phone buzzing in my pocket, but I ignored it. I couldn't bring myself to look at it and see his name in any of my notifications. I couldn't bring myself to see us as my lock-screen from when we went to the fair.

I don't know how much time had passed but when the sky got darker I knew I had to get home. My parents were also blowing up my phone while I was sitting in a daze. I got a strong and long lecture from them when I walked through the door. They didn't even stop to ask what happened when I started crying. I can't even tell them what happened— especially when my dad went on about how boys don't cry.

I want to cry now. I want to cry until there are no more emotions in me. Maybe that way I would no longer feel the way I do about him? Maybe that way I no longer have to feel?

I still haven't looked at any of his messages to me since it happened. I wasn't able to. While my parents were shouting they took my phone— saying I wasn't allowed it back if I didn't come straight back home after school tomorrow.

That moment just plays in my mind on repeat. No matter how hard I try, I can never get him out of my thoughts. He's always been there and now that he'll no longer be, I don't know what to do with myself. I don't know how I'll be able to face him, or any of my other friends. I hope he hasn't told them. That way there might be a chance that we can pretend nothing happened. Things would obviously be different, but at least it doesn't have to affect others.

I was stupid. Why do I have to be this way? Life would be so much easier if it wasn't. With everything that my heart aches, I'm wearing our matching rings right now, but it doesn't shine so bright under the moonlight tonight. I thought he'd been giving me hints and clues. When he asked again if there was someone I liked, he leaned in. He did it each time and I'd freeze, drowning in the golden flecks. He was so pure and I ruined it. Hopefully, Heaven will still let him in. I shouldn't have kissed him.

He is my unrequited love.