25th december
kenzie louise
7 hours.
it's been seven hours since i found out the news, and it hurt, really.
if i'd known that i was pregnant i think i would've taken much more care and just been safe really.
i didn't have any symptoms of being pregnant,
no sickness, no bump, nothing what so ever, so how was i meant to know?
we used protection the other night, we were safe and toom procautions so someone please explain to me how the bloody hell i was carrying a baby?
they said i was a month along, we only had sex around two weeks ago?
this is getting too far into my head now.
a month, that's how far along i was.
a grain of rice.
the baby had barely been formed yet, around 6-7mm long, it was barely anything yet it meaner to much to me, and i hadn't even met it yet
what if it was a girl?
a little baby girl, that ross and i could call our own, but we can't have that, not now anyway.
what if it was a boy?
a little baby boy, that ross and i could call out own, but once again, we can't have that, not now anyway.
the doctors confirmed that it was because i just wasn't strong enough to carry the baby, not knowing the gender at all made it kind of harder.
we couldn't name the baby, nor do anything for it, say goodbye or even say hello.
it's now 8am, everyones at the lynchs whilst me and ross are packing up to go home, for christmas
ross' car was here so it was an easy way home, they ran some more tests and decided that they wouldn't make me give birth to it, it should just dissolve, the feetus was only small.
"is everything okay?" ross says picking up the bags for us both from the bed as i slip my shoes on
"huh-oh yeah" i nod along
"are you sure?" he says walking to stand in front of me already in his shoes
"i'm fine" i lie straight through my teeth before finishing up trying my shoelace and standing up in my leggings and joggers
i don't know if he can tell i'm really not okay or not, i know he was trying to not let it get to him
but it was.
it was like i was getting deju vu again, walking out of the hospital room, ross behind me as he takes the bag that i offered to carry more than a hundred times before but he's refused and said no every single time
he shuts the door behind us and tried reaching for my hand, as much as i want to take it i don't, i don't know what's honestly going on with me, i think i just want to be alone.
he sighs as we walking down the hallways, it brings back memories of when i got drugged, on my birthday, ben.
everything was flooding back to me, i try distract myself by looking around the room.
