The gunshot was wrong.
That was the first thought I had.
The gunshot was wrong, it sounded wrong, it echoed too much.
And then there was yelling, so much yelling, but my ears were ringing and everything felt numb but it was so painful and I was flying with the stars and I smiled as it all turned into darkness.
***
Déjà vu.
Fluorescents flashing by above me as I groaned in pain.
Shouting.
Hands covered in blood.
More lights.
A needle.
Why does my skin feel so alive?
My name being called, so many miles away.
I can't feel my body.
I don't want to feel my body.
A steady beeping, and everything hurt.
Please tell me this isn't hell.
Why does it feel so familiar?
***
FBI! Russel Steele, you're under arrest!"
A crash, and I was chasing after him.
He's on the ground, and my gun is pointed at him.
Suddenly it's me on the ground and him above me but his face is flashing, becoming hers, the girl we didn't know about.
"They're rescuing the kids now," she mocked, "You didn't have to hurt them."
And then, not of my own accord, I said my next words with her, "No one else has to get hurt."
***
I stood alone at the small dais, dressed in the lacy tunic and skirt I'd worn when I collared Spencer. I heard the echoing of footsteps.
His footsteps were crisp, echoing against the hard floor, as he came into view. Spencer was dressed in a thin white robe, one that covered more than the one he'd worn on our wedding day. His eyes met mine as he approached.
"Spencer," I whispered, "What's going on?"
"I warned you," he sounded detached, "I told you, and I told you again on our wedding day. Today."
"And I told you that I would do anything if it meant saving even one life."
"It's going to hurt either way, you know," he ignored me.
I blinked. "What are my choices?"
"The options that there always are. You live or you die."
"You're not him," my voice shook, "You're not Spencer."
"No." He agreed.
"Why are you pretending to be him?"
"Does this not make you more comfortable?" He asked, "Would you prefer someone else?"
"Let me go back to my husband, please. I don't want to be here."
"It's so much happier here, though, you can lose all the pain and stay here."
"No." I stepped down to look him in the eyes, "Let me go back."
"You can't say I didn't warn you."
***
I couldn't recognize the words echoing around me, they didn't even sound like English. They sounded wrong, the wrong sounds, weird syllables, but the voice was familiar.
"Mi shebeirach avoteinu m'kor habrachah l'imoteinu." That was Spencer's voice.
That wasn't English... My mind raced back to my language classes in college, trying to figure out what it was.
He continued, "Mi shebeirach imoteinu m'kor habrachah laavoteinu. HaKadosh Barukh Hu, yimalei rahamim aleha, u-l'hay-otah." The words flowed out of his mouth fluently, as smooth as his English.
It felt wrong intruding on this, I knew what it was and how desperate he must be. I tried to move, but everything hurt.
"Spence," I managed to whisper. "Reid?"
He stopped mid-sentence, and I heard him rush towards me. "(Y/N)?"
"Spencer," I groaned, trying to turn towards him, "Were you praying?"
He was silent. I waited.
"I didn't know what else to do," he whispered, "You- you died- I was desperate."
"Spencer," I tried to move towards him.
"Shh, it's okay, I'm here," he grabbed my hand, "I'm here."
"Alyss- what happened... The kids?" I could barely string my words together.
"You're safe, that's all that matters," he kissed my forehead, "It's okay."
"Spencer-" my hand tightened around his, "I'm sorry."
He kissed me again, "It's okay, you're safe and that's all that matters. Now sleep, I'll be here."
***
My dreams echoed with Spencer's prayers. I remembered now; an old Hebrew prayer for healing. I thought back to our conversation about religion, years ago.
"Technically, my mother is Jewish," the memory echoed. "I don't ever go to synagogue or anything."
"I was desperate." He'd whispered, "You died."
***
Soft voices echoed around me.
"She's healing well," a voice said, "I can't explain why she's not fully awake."
"You can't figure it out? You can't explain it? What use are you?" That voice... Spencer's. He was angry.
"Reid!" Hotch's deep voice echoed, "Sit down and shut up, now."
"I'm truly sorry, agents-"
"It's Doctor." Spencer spat. "Doctor Spencer Reid."
"My apologies, Doctor. There's nothing else we can do except wait."
I groaned, trying to sit up and say something. "I- wait."
"Ma'am?" That was the nurse, "Can you hear me?"
I groaned and tried to nod.
"Can you try to open your eyes for me?" she asked.
I tried, my lashes blurring my vision, but I managed to get them partially open.
"You're doing great," she encouraged, "I'm going to check your pupils, okay?"
I nodded, barely. I just tried to sit back and let her run the tests, but everything ached. I barely managed to stay awake for half an hour before settling back down.
***
"I know you probably can't hear me, but I really need to say this. You've scared me so much, and I know you're not going to stop working, but... it scares me so much. You could have let Emily or Derek take care of her. Maeve and Tobias need you, (Y/N). I need you."
"Spencer," I said, my voice clearer than before, "Spence."
"Can you hear me?" He asked, one hand on my cheek, "Baby?"
"I love you, Spencer," I hummed and leaned into his hand, "I'm sorry."
"Don't apologize," he kissed me gently. "You're okay, that's what matters."
"What happened?"
He sighed and I heard the dragging of a chair, and then his hands wrapped around one of mine. "The unsub- Her real name was actually Alice. She brought you outside, you laid down-" his voice caught. "We had people on the roof, but it was hard to get a clear shot, there was too much of a chance of the bullet going through and hitting you. One of them moved to the building corner... Shot her through the head, but she was angry at you, she screamed and missed your head, hit the muscle between your neck and shoulder."
"How... how long ago?" I managed.
Spencer stopped, hesitated.
"Spencer, how long?"
"Two and a half weeks. You were in a coma; they couldn't figure out why. The first time you woke up was two days ago."
"Shit... Where are the kids?"
"They're safe, JJ and Will are looking after them." He hesitated again.
"That's good," I muttered, feeling exhaustion wash over me, "I need to- gonna sleep now."
***
The next morning, I managed to stay awake the entire time the doctor examined me and changed my bandages. I asked her to lower my main medication dosage, as I hated being so unfocused.
When she finished, Spencer walked in, holding my bracelet. "I... I want you to put this on, please."
I tried to lift my wrist, nodding. "It feels wrong without it."
He knelt by my bedside and clasped it, kissing my hand.
"How long as it been?" I groaned, shifting a little.
"Two weeks and four days." He answered. "You've been in and out a little, I don't know how much you remember."
"You..." I furrowed by eyebrows, trying to remember, "You were praying."
Spencer nodded. "My mom... I was desperate and she suggested it. It was all I had left."
"Will... Will and JJ have the kids?" I tried to remember. "You were angry at the nurse..."
"That doesn't matter now. Yeah, they have the kids." Spencer leaned down to kiss me, "All that matters is that you're safe."
"The team?"
"Everyone is back at Quantico, but Hotch stops by every weekend. It's Friday, I'll tell everyone to come tomorrow."
I nodded, then reached up to take Spencer's hand. "I love you, Spencer Reid."
He smiled, but it seemed a little sad. "I love you too."
***
By the time the team arrived the next day, I was able to stand up for short periods of time and move carefully around my small room. I had to keep my left arm in a sling, so I didn't make the injury worse, but I didn't mind too much.
"Don't strain yourself too much, try to stay sitting down, and remember you can ask for more medication if it's too painful." The doctor assured me, "Okay?"
I nodded, "This isn't my first gunshot wound."
"I know," she sighed, "Still be careful, though."
I sat back and adjusted my arm, waiting. I heard voices down the hall, but the curtains in my room were drawn, so I couldn't see who was outside. The door opened, and Spencer walked in, smiling.
"You ok?" He asked.
I smiled and nodded, and he opened the door for the rest of the team to walk in. Hotch was the first, pulling me into a gentle hug.
"How are you?" He whispered.
I smiled, "I'm okay. Doing better."
Garcia was next, careful to not squeeze me too tight.
Rossi kissed my forehead, "It's good to see you awake and much better, mi bella."
Emily hugged me, "We're all really glad you're safe. I'm so sorry I left you."
"I told you too," I reminded her, "I made my choice."
Morgan ruffled my hair, "We're still your family, newbie."
I rolled by eyes, "I'm not the newbie still, Derek."
They all sat and we talked, just catching up.
By the time I had to change my bandages again, I felt more human than I had the entire time I was in the hospital. I had my family.
***
We stood in front of the front door of our house. I took a deep breath and unlocked the door.
JJ was there, holding Tobias on one hip and Maeve on the other. "Hi, lovebirds!"
I almost broke down crying at the sight of my kids – our kids – smiling, so happy to see me.
"JJ..." my voice caught in my throat, "Thank you." I reached forward, pulling Tobias into my arms. "Hi, my sweet little boy."
"Mama!" He said happily, wrapping his arms around my neck.
I looked up in shock at JJ, "Did- did he-"
JJ shook her head, "He hasn't said anything to me."
"My sweet little baby," I whispered, wishing I could hold her in both arms. "My sweet little prince."
***
We put the kids down to bed and stayed up late, just talking. I fell asleep in Spencer's arms, listening to his heartbeat as his hand ran down my back. As I slept, his voice echoed in my ears.
I know you're not going to stop working but... it scared me so much.
I need you.