"Guys?", I peeked into the small room.
"Good morniiing!", Veronica cheered.
"I know I don't have a session today but", I carefully walked in closing the door behind me, "I have big news.."
"Go on.. you look bubbly.."
I smiled and took in everyone's presence around me. Jane already smiling, Elijah sat with a little smirk. Katherine and Emily both delighted as well.
"Alex..", I waited.
"You found out? Who is she?", Veronica's eyes widened.
"My fiancèe.."
"No way!", "was this a prank all along?"
"Get out of here!", Veronica exclaimed.
"Am I supposed to act surprised?", Jane whispered.
"And.. um.."
"Ohhh", Emily looked at the ground, deep in thought, "that would make sense if she wanted you to remember-"
"Yeah, remember on her own?", Katherine piped in.
"That actually was a very stupid move because I don't remember anything..", I quipped.
The room was filled with laughter and amusement.
"So.. I just thought you guys deserved to know..", I spoke, happily, "and we're leaving tomorrow.."
"What!?", Jane exclaimed.
"And no, this is not the last time we're seeing each other. I'll be back in a few days.. to deal with the.."
"OHHH to be the hero of the town!", Elijah gushed, "whoop their asses, baby!"
"Yes.."
"Okay, okay, everybody calm down. Are you okay with Alex, right now?"
"Oh.. that's something I'm confused about too..", I chuckled, "I'm discussing that with Gloria later.. but.. Merry Christmas to all of you.."
My cheeks were red. I felt on cloud nine. My life wouldn't have been as cheerful as it was without my support group.
"Don't you dare forget us", Elijah spoke, softly, in our group hug.
"You guys are the only thing I remember, I-"
Everybody burst into laughter again.
-
"So Alex was my fiancèe all along..", I made my way into the hot seat as I cheered like a teenager.
"Congratulations..", Gloria mused.
Almost unsurprised..
My expression turned into that of confusion, "of course you knew.."
She sat in her formal attire with a cheeky grin.
"Of course you knew, you wicked monster", I giggled, "wait, was that why you were on her side the whole time time?"
"I was never on anyone's side. I only gave you different points to rationalise your thoughts.."
I nodded, thoughtfully.
"How are you otherwise?"
"Oh..", I would say I forget what otherwise is, it's always just processing information and thinking over my situation, nothing else.
"How did you take the information? Did you anticipate it?"
"Not exactly..", I sighed, "I fainted.. for the second time this month.."
"That doesn't seem quite healthy to me.. how did you feel?"
"I.. I felt fatigued.. I almost lost memory of what had happened.."
"You do have trouble recalling little facts.. throughout the day? Like, what you ate for breakf-"
"No, I don't.. I can recount every event confidently.."
"Okay, that's a good sign..", she ticked off something on her paper.
"How are the nightmares?", she asked, quite empathetically.
I paused, "I think I do have nightmares at times but it's just I forget by the time I'm awake.. it's like, it stays in the background. If that.. makes sense.."
"Oh, yes it does. Look, you have a lot of things happening around you.. your focus is not fixed on a certain thing, do you ever find yourself bored or out of thoughts?"
"Nnno, I don't think so. I'm pretty occupied.."
"Exactly.. I think Alex has done a great job at keeping the active thoughts away.."
So Alex was actively trying to keep me occupied? She was helping me without me knowing?
"Any flashbacks?", she snapped me out of my thoughts, "from the past.. after the accident? Those stuff?", Gloria asked casually.
"A couple.. I think Alex must've backed you up on this part. When I heard Henry's voice.. I.. I nearly broke down and it was as if the memories just flooded back in without warning.. and it was.. it was.."
"Overwhelming? I can imagine.."
It was about being understood. And not relating to someone. I knew what I needed when I was with Gloria. And for a fact, I wanted to be heard.. to be understood and believed.
"You're doing fantastic for now, but you might need some medications for later.. I hope you haven't had any drinks or any drugs that hasn't been prescribed yet.."
"Oh..", my heart dropped, "I.. I drank.."
I felt like a child who did the naughty and was going to be punished.
"Oh, no. Don't do that. Don't be drinking.."
"Is it.. that bad? Because I got so drunk I made out with a friend.."
Gloria snickered, still formally, "drinking does hinder the recovery. Anything that messes with your head.. will be bad for you. Try to avoid it", she took in a deep breath, "so tell me.. is there anything you want to talk about?", she smiled, heartily.
It was Alex. The only other thing on my mind.. and somehow I was always occupied enough.
"Do you know the desire to.. to dominate someone.."
"I've seen it.."
I blushed, embarrassed, "it's.. it's pretty bad. I am automatically overcome with the desire to force someone into submission- not like force out of their consent.. just.. you know.."
She nodded vigorously, making it easier for me to explain.
"It feels not right.. and it's not lust.. it's not a physical desire, it's a MENTAL DESIRE an- that is exactly it. And it is super fucking scary.. like..", I felt an intense sense of rush searing through my chest at my inability to explain myself, "it's just not me.. it's.. yeah.."
"Hmm.. that seems deep rooted.."
"Oh fuck.. oh no", I slapped my forehead and swore. Of course, it's deep rooted.
"Oh, no, no, no.. don't be scared.. it's okay. With the right resources and tools we can find the solution to any problem", Gloria comforted, "the brain is just like the body. We get hurt, we treat our wounds. It's the same with the mind.. it's totally fine. You'll be okay.."
I gazed into her crystal blue eyes almost like I had escaped into a whole new world.
Where the answers were written on the clouds and there was no suspicion.
"You know you are amazing, right?"
"At my job?", she looked at me with her dramatic expressions complimenting her formal style.
"Yes.. can we.. can we still have online sessions by any chance while I'm gone? As a matter of fact, it'll be hard for me to open up to someone again.."
"We can totally arrange for that.."
I smiled, still half lost.
"Merry Christmas, Gloria.."
"Merry Christmas to you and your family. Remember, you are more powerful than your mind. You are brave enough to walk into this chamber.. and that's not ordinary, Rose. Think about it.."
Her voice echoed through my brain. The first step to recovery really is.. just the desire to recover.
And your recovery has begun..
"Can I hug you?"
It's about the little friends you make along the way. The tiniest of roles can be whole game changers.
It was Veronica's overly enthusiastic 'good morning's, Katherine's little prayer ritual before any session, Emily's ever changing purse collection, Jane and Elijah's over the head inside-jokes..
And surely.. Gloria's very formal and generous smile etched into my memory..