Song: Unsteady - X Ambassadors
"If you love me, don't let go."
Harry's POV
Elaine appears in my mind again. I can see her vividly. She's riding her yellow bicycle decorated with daises. The camera I bought her is in the brown, woven basket. She's just finished taking pictures of the river she bikes by everyday. Her long dark blonde hair cascading through the wind. Her charming smile widens as her feet pedals faster, craving the thrill. Her wild blue eyes are concentrated, one by one, her fingers raise from the front handles. There's absolutely zero hesitance in her reckless hands and in her courageous heart.
"Woods is here to see you."
Woods?
Bubble Wrap?!
She's back?!
Wait....
No.
I'm supposed to avoid her. I shouldn't be feeling this way. I shouldn't be looking forward to see her.
You shouldn't be feeling this way, Harry. You know better.
"Tell her I don't want to see her," I say unshakenly. I move to sit up, my stiff muscles making it harder to move.
"You're not even going to hear her out?" Officer Desiree asks, a hidden concern laced in her professional, neutral tone.
Since when do police officers care so much about a prisoner's personal business.
Ever since I came in here, she's always been watching me with a wary eye. And I don't blame her. She assumes I'm a cold-blooded killer.
What is she doing here anyway?
I thought she had decided to leave.
I quickly glance at my watch and see that there's only half an hour before her flight. That foolish girl. Always arriving to places late. Even though she's not with me anymore, she's still unknowingly capable of making me worry for her.
From the corner of my eye, the demanding deputy continues to stand in front of the bars of my cell with her hands on her hips, waiting for me to respond.
"No, please tell her to leave," I huff. "She's a flight to get on at noon. And I can't be the reason that she's late. I've done enough havoc in her life as it is."
My hands raised in the air as I spoke, hoping she would act faster. But the stout woman only stares at me with pitiful eyes which I do not like very much.
The composed woman nods guardedly and inhales a deep breath.
"Alright then."
As soon as she's gone, as soon as the sound of the door closing echoes through the short hall of empty cells, I let my whole body shut down again. My neck unlocks and the back of my head jostles against the cracked, uneven wall behind me. My sore arms limp at their sides as I close my heavy lids and for a long while, I sit there and think in a harsh silence.
She's fighting, just like I'd predicted.
And I'd be lying to myself if I said I wasn't thrilled that she is.
When mum spilled the news that she left, I couldn't believe it at first. I thought my girl would have at least persisted a little longer. I knew she wouldn't give up without a good fight.
But last night, when I thought she proved me wrong thinking she gave up so easily, I didn't realize how disappointed I was. I didn't realize how much more damage could be done to my heart. I've made peace with myself that she decided to leave for good. I've already closed the door on us yet here she is, making my feelings contradictory.
Selfishly, I wanted her to fight a little longer. Regardless of what I said, I wanted her to stay.
But that wasn't right.
This was right -- avoiding her. I'm doing the right thing by letting her go.
A life for a life.
Her best friend had lost his.
And now I've lost mine -- Elaine. She is my life.
She was my life.
Now it's even. Now I won't begrudge myself and feel guilty for what happened.
As my eyes flutter open and I carefully bring my gaze towards my lap. I hadn't noticed that my hand was fiddling with the string wrapped snugly around my wrist. My fingers ball into fists, enclosing the fragile thing between my fingers. I almost want to tear it off and sling it across the room, but I don't have the heart. It's all I have left of her. I don't want to lose anymore of her than I already have.
The steel door opening resounds through the hall again. My eyes shoot towards the direction of the door, hearing footsteps approach closer and closer to me.
It's Officer Des again.
I can tell by the way she heavily shuffles her shoes against the floor.
"I haven't changed my mind Officer," I lowly speak under my breath before she's even in my sight. "I don't want --"
"She's gone Styles," she cuts me off. "Just like you wanted."
Huh...She's gone. Why am I so disappointed?
This is what I asked for. This is what I wanted. Though I try to suppress it, I can't help but feel as though I've been stabbed very hard right in the middle of my gut.
"Good." I bite my bottom lip and nod for a good while before she speaks again.
"She brought these for you."
My head immediately snaps to what she could have dropped off for me. Once I realize what they are, I bolt to my feet. As I approach her and listlessly take the books, I immediately set the book of poems on the bottom and flip open my journal, fervently searching through the inked pages.
When I get to the end of the book, with no sign of it, my heart pounds rabidly in my chest.
It's not in here.
It has to be in here. I don't remember taking it out.
I'm about to run through the pages again until I realize that someone else must have taken it. Whatever is given to me has to be checked by security. They wouldn't have taken it, would they?
"Where's the picture?" I try to ask politely but the rage spiraling in me is hard to hide as I think about what they did with my personal belongings.
"What picture?"
"There was a picture in here," I point to my journal.
"A picture of what?"
"Of --" I stop myself from answering. I'm embarrassed to tell her. If I tell her it's a picture of the girl who wants to see me, she'll know I was lying earlier. "Never mind."
She brushes off my suspicious words and turns on her heel to go back the way she came from.
The question of who took my photo remains unanswered as I return to the hard bed. Why would she bring me my journal and this book?
I want to see her. That photo was my last chance at ever seeing her again. After they confiscated my phone, all I could think about was the first photo I had taken of us at the golf range.
I suppose this is my punishment for lying to her.
I miss you, Elaine. God, I miss you.
Elaine...
She must have taken it.
There's no person who knows I kept that photo. Except her. She saw it as it fell out when we were on the cruise.
Why would she take it?
She didn't read it, did she?
The thought sends a frightening chill through my body. Surprisingly, I'm not even angry thinking she went through my personal thoughts. I'm more petrified than anything.
If she read it, she must know.
What really happened that night.
But there's no way she read it.
If she knew what happened, she would have insisted to see me. She would have used my journal as tangible evidence to prove my innocence. She would do anything to prove that I'm innocent. To get me out of here and save my reputation. I know she would. That's who she is.
I know this is wrong but a small part inside of me wished she had read it. Not because I want her to know the truth, but the truth about my feelings, and my worries, and my dreams. I wanted to share so much with her. I wanted to let her know the exact moment in time when I fell in love with her. I wanted to let her know that I worry about my religion getting between us. I wanted to let her know that my dream ... has become her. Nothing else but her.
A lump forms in the back of my throat, just thinking about the things that could have been.
Our hands are intertwined as we sit quietly on the couch. The silence is comfortable, conversation is easy, and everything is .. perfect. We wouldn't need much. Maybe a nice bed we both could share. And a nice kitchen where I could have cooked breakfast for her every morning. But she would insist on Lucky Charms. We'd have a home filled with photos of us, of our families - maybe even our own some day.
We'd both be undeniably happy simply by being in each other's company.
I want to remember how this feels like. Even though I know that's nothing but an unattainable dream now, I don't ever want to forget how much I loved this woman. How much I wanted with and for her. I want to remember only the good times.
I slip the pen from out between the pages and in between my fingers. As I open to the front page, I'm confused by the folded piece of paper in front of me.
I don't have to open it to figure out what it is. Merely by looking do I already know. It's a goodbye letter.
Unsteadily, my fingers unravel the ends, revealing a page filled letter of her uneven handwriting.
I sometimes wonder what life is about. Don't you, Harry? Why do I live? Why do I breathe? Why do I feel?
Do you remember the first time we met?
Of course you do. You remember everything ... You said you fell in love with me then. But I know that's not true. You were in love with me before then. When you took slyly my picture when I wasn't looking. Why else would you have approached me? Why else would you keep my photo in your journal?
You loved me before you met me.
You knew every little thing about me. You were so tuned in to what I was doing. And you figured out who I was so easily even with my mile high walls.
I figured you out too, Harry. It took a longer amount of time, but I did. You're kind. Genuine. Loyal. You're good and you're ... You're everything that I'm not. You carry every burden on your shoulders so your loved ones don't have to. You worry about everyone before yourself. You worried for me, even when I was nothing but a stranger to you...
If you hadn't already figured out, the photo is gone. And yes, you're right, I did take it. I know how much you don't want to see me. I know how much hurt you feel when you lay your eyes on me. That's why I took it with me.
And for the first time in my life, I'm being selfless. No matter how much I want to see you, no matter how much my heart aches for your touch, I can't see you. I can't feel you. I can't even talk to you.
And for that, I hate you. I hate you so much...I hate how you are always so caring and so selfless. I hate how you use use such big words. And I hate how handsome you look when you smile and all I want to do is poke my finger into those dimples of yours and hear your laugh follow.
I hate you ... So much for making me leave. I hate you for not letting me be by your side and carrying this burden with you. Were my promises nothing but empty words to you? I said I would stay. I promised you that you would never lose me.
But most of all, I hate myself. I hate myself for even considering leaving the man I love when I should be here. When I should be by your side. I don't want to leave the arms of the only man who ever made me feel safe. When you held me for the very first time, do you know how thankful I was. To have a shoulder to lean on and to have someone .. just genuinely care about me.
Because of you, I know now. What the importance of life is. You're the reason I lived. You're the reason I breathed. And you're the reason why I felt. Life is about finding that great love, to be so helplessly in love and to be loved back.
But I quickly learned that the world doesn't revolve around us. Because it's not only about us. It's also about everything in between. Our livelihoods, our families, our differences, our passions. It's about so many other things. In the end, what's important to us will win. I guess I just wasn't that important enough to you. I'm not even angry at you for thinking that... I can't be angry with you. I will never be angry with you.
You have nothing but good intentions and that's why I don't believe what you said. I believe it's a mistake. And I will continue to believe it's a mistake until my best friend wakes up and tells me it isn't.
You asked me what I would say to you if this was the last time I was going to see you.
I would say, "I love you. Thank you for giving me the chance to have loved you. No matter how short lived it was, it was the happiest I've ever been in all of my twenty one years of life. Thank you..."
Until next time, this isn't goodbye.
Ellie
P.S. Someone once told me fate doesn't exist ... But love does...And your love has been greatest love I'll ever have.
...
The droplets of rain fall hard on me as I sprint towards the parking lot where my Gemma's car is. My shaking fingers fumble with the key a few times, the adrenaline surging too quickly for me to maneuver any muscles properly. Droplets of rain cover each part of my skin, my hair, and my clothes are drenched by the time I situate myself in the car. Once the engine is ignited, I don't waste any more time to think about my father or my actions or the consequences of them.
All I can think about is Elaine.
I've already wasted so much time as it is worrying about other people. This time I need to think about myself, worry for myself.
I carefully pull out Elaine's letter from inside of my jacket, relieved to see that it survived the rain. With her letter fisted between my hand and the steering wheel, I hold on for a sliver of hope that her flight's been delayed. Or that she's changed her mind and that she's chosen to be selfish. That she chose me despite how stubborn I was.
Please. Please wait for me. I still have so much to say, Elaine.
Until then, don't let go of me just yet.
A/n: I really wanna finish this fanfic before the summer ends because I think it's been almost a year since I published first chapter. It's been so long!
And oh my god, let's talk about Drag Me Down!!! It's beyond words. Harry's high note. OMG. I was about to sleep and it was around 1 AM in the morning. Then I decided to check Instagram because why not. Then BAM. ONE DIRECTION FREAKINGN DROPS THEIR SINGLE AT MIDNIGHT. Like WTH. It was crazy. listened to it for three hours straight after its release. Haha, then when I woke up, listened to it again while eating breakfast and doing some laundry.
Where were you when you found out the boys dropped their single?