Can't Breathe - Leona Lewis
Don't Let Me Go - Harry Styles
Are you there? Of course you're not, but I have to use my imagination, right? That's what I'm supposed to do. Uh...How do I start this?
I know I haven't been a good samaritan lately. I never go to Church, and I never say my prayers and all that stuff. But you're prepared to forgive me, right God?
Let me get straight to the point. If Marco is with you, please tell him ... That I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I was never a good friend to him. I'm sorry that I never told him goodbye. And I'm sorry for still loving the man who was the cause of his death. I want to ask for his forgiveness but I know I don't deserve it. But I do ask that he forgives .. him.
Of course he's sinned but we've all sinned, haven't we?
He ... is a good man. The best I've ever known. Whatever happened must have been an accident. He would never intentionally inflict pain on anyone, especially someone who I knew and loved dearly. He would never wanna hurt me because he loves me. And people who love each other sacrifice their wants if it makes the other happier.
You see God, I never believed in love. I didn't think it was something that would last. It was something I stayed away from after that incident. It was something of a nightmare for me. My parents divorced and my mother married a .. monster. My father disappeared. That kind of love just didn't exist in my world.
Until ... I met him ...
I didn't expect it. I didn't even think it could work yet somehow ... somehow I fell helplessly for him. He showed me so much care, so much compassion. He showed me what it's like to be considerate and humble and patient. He showed me what it felt like to be cared for. And to be worried after. He showed me what it felt like to be loved. A love I never thought I was deserving of. A love I could only ever dream of. A love I never knew how much I wanted.
He changed me. He made me want to better for him. He made me want to be that person who makes his heart beat. He made me want to live making him happy, seeing him smile, protecting him from his fears. I want to live dreaming the same dream as him, even if it is to have children. All I want is to be by his side and be his home.
But I know I can't be that for him. Because every time he looks at me, I'm never gonna be home for him. I'll always be someone who reminds him of what he did. And to make sure I don't do that, I have to leave. As long as he no longer feels guilty and have to carry the burden, I'll pretend as if everything was a dream. After today, this was all nothing but a good dream.
Nothing but a good, happy dream.
Upon opening my eyes, I see that I am no longer alone. I suddenly feel nervous, thinking I might have intruded without permission.
"May I help you, Miss?" The Sister asks me but I shake my head.
"No, but thank you."
"Seems like something is troubling you."
"How do you know?"
"People always come here when they need help. That's why our doors are always open. Our Lord is always ready to listen to those who carry burdens."
"I see .. I'll take my leave now," I tell her. I rise to my feet but suddenly feel the room spin around me. The Sister catches me right before I fall and settles me back into the wooden bench. She bends to her knees in front of my knees, observing me.
"You don't look too well. Just sit here for a while before you leave," she kindly warns as she studies my face. I'm sure she has picked up on how horrifying I must look. "Do you feel a little lightheaded?"
Surprisingly, I do so I nod.
"Have you eaten anything?"
I haven't even thought about food. I shut my eyes and shake my head to answer, keeping a hand pressed against my forehead. I didn't realize how bad of a headache I had until now. It only makes sense since I hadn't had anything in my system since yesterday's lunch and I barely had any sleep.
"Of course, we're more than happy to bring you something from the kitchen."
"No, no. I really should get going," I say with a thin smile. "I'm gonna be late for my flight."
"Oh my! You're -- you're --" she points her index finger at me as she covers her mouth with the other hand. "You're Harry Styles' girlfriend aren't you?"
Her words echo through the grand hall and luckily, no one is in the church to hear. She realizes she has been too loud so she clears her throat and sits on the space next to me.
I'm not sure whether I am his girlfriend anymore so I only guilt-fully smile.
"Of course! That's why you're here," she frowns. "Oh dear, I've been so senseless. I'm so sorry for your loss."
"You don't have to be sorry."
"I know, but I am," she pats her hand on my hands but stops suddenly. Her body turns to me, her eyes as through they're glaring at me. "But why are you leaving? You're going back to the states?"
"Yeah."
"Why? If I may ... "
"Because I have to. It's the right thing to do. And God wants us to do the right thing, doesn't he?"
"He does," she says but her saddened eyes say otherwise. "But it doesn't make any sense. Unless you two have parted."
"We have," I confirm and she stares at me blankly.
"You have?" She looks so genuinely impacted by the news. "So you've said your goodbyes?"
"Well..."
She waits patiently for me to finish my sentence.
"I haven't told him goodbye yet."
"You have to tell him," she urges enthusiastically. Now I'm the one staring at her blankly. Aren't Sisters supposed to be more calm?
"I can't. I can't tell him goodbye."
"Not that, love. That you don't want to break up. It's obvious you don't want to."
"It's complicated."
"What's not complicated in this life? You love him. God created this world with love. Without it, mankind wouldn't exist," she states politely. "I want you to search your heart. If you've parted, on good terms, it makes sense that you're leaving. But make sure you don't leave here with any regrets."
...
Halfway to the police station, rain starts to pour from the sky. I look up to the darkened skies in search of an answer but nothing comes. I won't leave here with any regrets, will I?
I close my eyes and slowly place my hand over my chest, searching for an answer, for something to tell me to stay. But nothing. Only one person can make me stay. And he's already told me to go home.
You can be strong, Elaine. You promised him. You promised you would stay and that he would never lose you. You would try til you couldn't try anymore. You can try .. one more time.
Anne, Robin, and Gemma aren't at the station when I arrive. I ask one of the officers if they knew of their whereabouts but he only shrugged, casually saying they left with another man.
"May I see him?" I ask, gripping the two books with my fingers. I was only in planning to drop off these for him. But I wanted to try. Regardless if I get hurt again. I think he's worth the hurt. "I would like to give him something."
The weighty officer chews the piece of green gum in his mouth obnoxiously as he squints at me. He shifts forward in his chair, the scent of sweat and coffee mixed in his uniform growing thicker as he leaned.
"I'll let him know. Please sit over there and wait for me to call your name."
I nod and do as I'm told. I lay the books on my lap with the letter I had written from this morning right on top. Before I finished packing, I wanted to explain a few things. But now that I'm seeing him, he won't need to read this. I'll explain it to him in person - why I took out the photo of me, why I left behind the camera, why I decided to leave. But if he tells me to stay, if I can convince him to let me, I won't have to leave.
"Woods," another officer calls me. This one was much more clean. His hair's slicked back into a tiny bun and his facial features were much sharper.
"I'm sorry. He doesn't want to see you."
My heart drops. He doesn't want to see me. Of course, he doesn't. He had already said his goodbyes. I'm only going to hurt him if I continue acting this way. I swallow my bruised pride and bite the inside of my bottom lip to stop it from trembling.
"Can you please give this to him for me then?," I ask, slipping my letter back into the front page of the book of poems. "It's very important."
"Sure." He takes the books with a polite smile and hands them to the female officer behind him. "Styles," he mumbles and she nods accordingly.
"Thank you. Do you know when he's being appointed for court?"
"I don't know. Not for a while."
"Perhaps do you know the extent of his punishment?"
The officer stares at me questionably, raising one brow suspiciously, probably because I am hounding him with too many unnecessary questions.
"I'm sorry," is all he can say.
Sorry that he can't say? Or sorry that it's so bad, he doesn't want to say?
Whatever it is, I'll never know. I'm already out the door with the guards escorting me back to my cab. They shut my door and I'm left here, all alone once again. That empty feeling lurking inside of me, spreading to every inch of my chest as I take one final glance at the front of the station. I picture him sitting inside there, completely helpless, utterly hopeless and my heart breaks for the hundredth time today.
The cab starts to move away and I suddenly notice through the light rain the large crowd of reporters that have gathered in front of the station. Had they let him free? Was he running after me?
Impossible.
But the distance between him and I only increases as the taxi proceeds to pull away. I turn around to look through the rear window it only see the crowd, flashing away their cameras, outlining the shadow of a man walking into the station with his head down and dropped shoulders.
My heart succumbs to the paralyzing emptiness as I come to the realization that he wasn't following me. I try to reason this with his words.
"I wouldn't want to waste my time with someone who didn't think I was good enough for them to stay."
Did he not think I was good enough for him to stay?
"I wouldn't want that kind of person back in my life because there's always a chance they'll do it again."
I've left him. I've left him this time.
"And sometimes it's easier to let go of things that no longer exist."
He and I ... We no longer exist.
"You won't get hurt again."
He won't get hurt again.
"No matter how much we want them to come back, it's just easier to let go."
Easier to let go. God, I hope you're right, Cardboard Box.
I wipe away the tears that had fallen and pick through my bag for my phone. I stare at Chris' contact for a long while, my hovering finger contemplating whether I should take his offer. There's no where else for me to go. And I definitely don't want to go back through those doors of hell.
This is it. There's no turning back.
"Hey Chris? ... I'm coming to New York."
I never thought it would end up being this long but I gotta loosen all the knots and tie this story up with a nice big bow (: