(You can listen to this while reading)
Rose's POV
I used to think a memorial was something nice and beautiful for people. An event to remember them.
To finally say goodbye.
I don't think so right now.
I am terrified of finally being able to talk about Connor. For everyone to realize how broken I am.
How terrible my life has turned out.
Parents gone.
Brother gone.
Everything just...gone.
I am not ready to finally be standing there listening to everyone talk about him.
I don't want to.
I am afraid to finally realize how fucked up my life is. To know that he is dead.
That he got killed and I couldn't do anything about it.
Lorenzo already asked Jones to lend us the big salon for the memorial. People have already offered to speak, but I haven't.
I don't think I can. My mental state isn't prepared to talk and think about him. My anxiety can get worse and I can't explain the pain I go through. Just the feeling of my lungs exploding, my head hurting, just my entire body shaking and feeling on fire.
But I am doing this for him.
I grab the black dress Amanda left me in my room. It was a beautiful black dress which wasn't too long but wasn't too short. It is perfect.
Lorenzo and Stephen made sure to call the closest people to him and Amanda made sure to prepare the salon.
I shower, brush my hair, and put my black dress on. I look at myself in the mirror trying to be strong and not to break down.
To have the courage to finally see reality.
I left my brown hair in its natural waves and decided to stay without makeup. I am finally done and we have a few minutes left before we leave.
I stay in my balcony admiring the beautiful sunset. The way the sun goes down makes every color more beautiful. The wind blows and I take a few breaths closing my eyes and hear nothing but the trees.
To have a little bit of peace.
At least for a few seconds.
I hear my door opening knowing it was Jason. I already knew it was him. I felt his hand go to my waist and I could feel his eyes on the side of my face looking at every inch and every part of my profile. My eyes went towards him.
His gorgeous grey eyes.
He has a little smile plastered on his face and I just smiled back. I moved closer to his body and hugged him tightly.
"It's going to be worthy." He said. I felt his hand go to my check caressing it slowly.
"I know." I said, my voice came out almost in a whisper.
"You don't have to talk if you don't want to." He said. I look back at him taking a deep breath, "It's going to be worth speaking."
"Everyone is already on their way there. I told them you will come with me." He said. I nodded and grabbed his arm and went downstairs towards his car.
After a long ride we finally arrived.
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Jason's POV
Rose stayed still. She was looking at the people arriving.
She took a deep breath and I could tell she was nervous.
I grab her hand and softly caress it, making her relax.
"I am not leaving your side." She looked at me and her eyes were filled with tears. I know she didn't want them to fall and for people to know she was crying.
People will think it's normal for someone to cry and feel sad about this kind of situation. But Rose doesn't want people to know how she is feeling.
"We have to go." Her voice came soft and I could hear the pain her words held.
I walked out of the car and went towards Rose to open the door.
She walks out and immediately grabs my arm. Her hand is shaking a little and I could tell she didn't want to go inside and confront everyone.
It sucks when people walk towards you and hug you and say they are sorry for your loss. But that's the way it is. And we have to live with it.
We walked inside and there were a lot of chairs in front of the stage. There is a huge picture of Connor in the front just like how memorials are made.
There were a lot of people. Man that he knew and some of their family. They are all sitting down waiting for this to start.
I feel her hand grabbing my arm tight. I move close to her ear and say, "I am not leaving you."
She smiled at me and we walked towards our group.
"There you are." Mike said. Amanda, Emily and Tris are together sitting down. Octavia is on top of Tris hugging her.
Mike hugged Rose tight, "We talked to Jones and some people want to say a few words, you can go whenever you want." He said to her and she nodded.
We said hello to the group and finally sat down ready for it to start.
-
Rose's POV
We sat down in front of the stage and everyone's heads were down. There is a picture of Connor on stage and I didn't even glance at it after I came inside.
I held it together meanwhile some men passed to the front and spoke about him. About how wonderful he was. About a few memories they had with him. After people went to the front and spoke a few words, I knew it was time to finally have the courage to speak in front of everyone.
I stand up from where I was sitting, my heart is beating uncontrollably, and I take a few breaths to calm myself down.
I stand still behind the wood desk where people put their speeches. But I had none. I didn't prepare. I just want to say what I am thinking in this instant.
I look at Jason, his eyes hold so much passion and love, he smiles at me making me feel calm.
I take a deep breath and I prepare myself mentally and ready to finally speak about my perspective,
"People have spoken about memories and things Connor has made for them. How wonderful of a man he was. And now," I paused for a second taking a deep breath and slowly watching everyone in the room.
"Now I want to speak about how great of a brother he was. How great of a role model he has become. Connor was my brother. My best friend." My hands were shaking and I tried to hold them still, " The one who had to be a brother and a father at the same time. Who took care of me when I was at my worst."
I felt the knot in my throat and my eyes out of nowhere became face to face with his picture. His brown eyes and his beautiful smile held so much happiness. Something that I will miss.
"He... he was the type of person you could go to and speak about your struggles. He showed me how to have patience and hope. He was loved and cherished by so many people and always made sure everyone was okay." I said, feeling tears in my eyes, my throat was all swollen, I could feel my heart breaking every time I said a word.
You know when you are crying and you feel your chest hurt? Well, that's what I am feeling. Pain. Pain in my body. Pain that is trying to come out but as always, I hold it in.
"Connor..." my words came soft. "I will never forget how great of a man you were, and I promise you, you will never be forgotten." I said and walked downstairs. My feet moved and walked until I got outside.
The air hit my face and I took a huge breath making myself stay still. My heart kept beating and I tried to relax myself. I walked towards the man who was responsible for the car keys and told him to bring Jason's car.
He arrived and I went inside and drove myself home.
I park my car outside my house.
I walk inside and take my heels off. I put the keys on the desk not minding if they fall. I slowly walk upstairs, my feet touching the cold floor, and my body taking me to the place I thought I was never going in.
I sat on Connors bed looking at every inch of his room. The pictures he had on the walls, the books he had placed on the shelves.
I look at the pictures which I was on most of them. We were hugging each other smiling at the camera.
I felt my heart aching and for the first time in a very long time, I broke down badly.
Tears fell uncontrollably and the sobs became stifled at first as I attempted to hide my grief.
But it is too much that I can't hold it anymore. My chin trembles and all I could do was scream.
My voice held such agony that I have held inside. My walls, the walls that hold me up, make me strong, just collapsed.
I can't stop, I stand up grabbing the picture of both of us smiling. A loud sob came out of my mouth and tears fell down on the picture.
All my body could do is throw it at the wall, I grab everything, throw it all over the place, pushing the chairs and making them fall, all the papers flying everywhere.
I could only hear a broken girl screaming with such pain and anger. I could only see his face. I only saw Connor in my thoughts and memories, which made me break even more.
I punch the wall really hard releasing all the pain. I punch and punch making my knuckles bleed.
Anger and pain take over my body. His desk flips over making everything fall. And I then fall to my knees sobbing uncontrollably. I hit the floor with my palms screaming like a lunatic. And I finally came to a stop.
I felt big arms around me, my body became numb, my mind only held thoughts about Connor.
Jason's breath became contact with my face but even though he was here my tears kept on falling and my sobbing became louder.
Jason didn't say a word. I respect that. Sometimes you just want someone to hold you and stay silent. And that's why I have so much respect and love for him.
I hold him tighter sobbing in his chest. His arms held me tightly and his right hand came in contact with my hair making small circles trying to calm me down.
My mind has so many emotions and thoughts which I can't control, and it made me finally realize that Connor is gone forever.
He is dead because of me.
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I hope you enjoyed this long chapter.
Sorry if there is any grammar mistake!
Thank you for reading and I am posting really soon.
Hope you are all safe.