i am sorry for what i am about to do to you.
warning: self-harm and mentions of suicide
january 25, 2016. california.
"mate, you'll be free eventually. they can't keep doing this to you forever," liam tries to reason with louis over the phone. he knows that it has been hell for louis lately. the last three days have consisted of him having to fake happiness over a child that isn't his for dozens and dozens of paparazzi. liam knows how bad it is, but he has to try to steer louis towards some optimism.
"yeah, but they must have some sort of long term plan. this kid was just born. why go through all of this if it's going to be over so soon, anyway?" louis sighs.
"it sucks, i know, tommo. please just try to keep your head up, for me?" liam pleads. "this is now your year. you get to make it whatever you want. it's not up to modest! anymore."
"yeah, we'll see."
"i better run. it's getting late here now. go spend some time with mr. lover-boy. tell him i say hi. i'll talk to you tomorrow," he explains.
louis mentally kicks himself for forgetting the time difference between him and liam right now. he's at home in the uk, while louis still has to be in america because of the baby. "sorry, mate, i shouldn't have called so late. i'll talk to you soon."
"don't worry about it. it's never too late for you," liam promises.
the two say their goodbyes and louis shoves his phone back into his pocket. he climbs off of the bed and exits the bedroom, on a mission to find harry.
"just got off the phone with liam. he says hi," louis says, entering the kitchen where harry is busy with putting away some dishes.
"come here, sunflower," harry requests. louis approaches and harry wraps his arms around him, resting his head on top of louis'.
"i can't believe we're finally so close to being done with management. our last official thing with them comes out tomorrow. after this video, we'll be free," harry says with a smile. his eyes appear so bright as he talks about the thing he has looked forward to since he and louis first started dating so many years ago. "after we come out, we should go on a vacation. just the two of us. i'll take you somewhere romantic where we can hold hands and kiss whenever we want and not have to worry about what anyone has to say. we can go to our first pride parade and volunteer to help the trevor project. maybe we can do some music together with just us. we'll finally be able to explain our tattoos and tell the fans what happened in wellington. we'll be able to be ourselves for the first time with nothing to hide," harry babbles on, unable to hide his excitement.
after a couple minutes of harry rambling on about all of his plans for when they finally come out, louis finally has to speak up, not wanting to give harry false hope for any longer. this is a conversation he should have started a long time ago, but has never had the courage. now, they are so close to being free of management, he can't put it off for any longer.
"harry," he interrupts.
harry stops talking and looks over towards louis. "yeah? what is it?" he asks, concerned with the solemn look on his husband's face.
louis sighs and takes a deep breath to prepare himself. "i don't want to come out," he finally admits.
"what?" harry asks in shock. he takes a step back from louis, not knowing what to do. this has been something he's looked forward to for years. he has been using the thought of finally getting to come out with his husband to get him through the closet and fake girlfriends. he has spent so long fantasizing about how they would come out when they're finally free from modest! and what they would finally be able to do. now all of a sudden, louis is backing out?
"i'm sorry, love. i can't do it. i don't want anyone to know about me," louis tries to explain, breaking the news as gently as he can, but knowing he's still hurting harry just as badly, no matter what he does.
"we've been talking about this for years, though. i want to be able to just be with you and not have to hide you. are you saying you still want to hide, even when we get to be free?" harry wonders, still not being able to fathom louis' seemingly sudden change of heart.
louis flinches slightly at the harshness of harry's words. "i've been thinking about it for a while. people hate me so much anyway. i can't give them something else so easy for them to hate me for. i already hate myself enough as it is."
"come on, louis. no one is going to care that much," harry tries to convince him. "we'll go through it together, and it's not like people really care anymore anyways. there will always be some people who will be assholes about it, but most people are supportive now. it'll be fine if we come out. we can do it together."
louis shakes his head. "people care and they're horrible because of it. i don't think i'd be able to handle getting even more shit for being gay. it's bad enough already."
harry raises an eyebrow. "you get just as much shit as i do. i know it sucks, but we'll be going through it together."
"management has been awful to me ever since this band started," louis exclaims, finally confessing to harry. "they have treated me like absolute shit, but i've let them because they leave you alone for the most part. now i'm telling you that i can't come out because i don't think i could deal with any more hate like this!" louis pauses, feeing guilty for raising his voice at harry like this. "i'm sorry i didn't tell you earlier," he says softly.
"what else have you not told me? i know you and liam are keeping secrets that you refuse to let me in on. i see you sneaking off together all of the time when we're on tour, and you going to call him whenever you're upset. i'm your husband! you're supposed to be talking to me," harry exclaims. "please, i just want to know you."
"yes, there are things i keep from you. things i don't want you to know. but it is only to protect you, i swear. i'm not cheating on you or anything, if that's what you think. i would never do something like that. you know this," louis pleads.
"i don't need you to constantly be protecting me. i can take care of myself. i don't need you always diving in to get the beard, or taking on management, or hiding things from me," harry blurts out. "i'm not a child, i'm your husband. i am perfectly capable of fighting my own battles. i'm not weak."
louis' eyes begin to water. "everything i have ever done has been to protect you. i love you so much, i can't stand the thought of you having to suffer through all of that. of course i know you're not weak. i just wouldn't be able able stand by and watch the person i love more than anything else in the world get hurt."
"that should have been a decision we made together. i can make my own choices," harry's voice is cold. usually, he speaks so softly, in a way that warms louis' body. now, all of that comfort is gone and louis can hardly recognize him.
"fine, i should have spoken to you, and for that, i am sorry, but you have to understand that i do everything for you. i never wanted to hurt you in any way," louis begs.
"why liam?" harry asks. "why is it that you can't talk to me, but liam gets to know about all of your secrets or whatever the hell is going on with you two. in case you have forgotten, we're the ones who are married. not you and liam."
"because liam was there."
"what is "there"?" harry groans. "you still aren't telling me anything!"
"it was when i tried to kill myself," louis yells. harry falls silent. "he found me after i tried to kill myself. i thought he deserved an explanation. that's why we sometimes go to talk away from everyone else. he's making sure i'm not falling over the edge again," louis' voice drops as he holds back the tears. after so many months, he finally has told harry this secret that has been eating him alive.
"when was this?" harry stares down at the ground, his voice cracking.
louis shrugs. "that's why i was actually hospitalized during that break when i went back home to donny."
"why didn't you tell me?" harry questions. "you said you thought liam deserved an explanation. shouldn't i deserve the truth as well?"
"i don't want you to think i'm weak. i didn't want you to know all of the shit that i've been dealing with," louis says. "i've spent the last five years doing every single thing i can to shield you away from this awful world we live in. i took all of this shit so you could be happy and live yourself. you deserved that. i couldn't bring you into it. i didn't want you to know. i want you to be happy."
"so you thought it would be better to lie to me?" harry scoffs.
"what do you want me to do? just come out and say that i tried to kill myself and i've been cutting myself for years? well, here it is! i was just avoiding telling you these things to protect you. i know they're not things you want to hear," louis tries reasoning. "i never meant to lie to you. i'm sorry i've hid this from you, but it's not an easy thing to talk about. it has nothing to do how much i trust you. is just hard sometimes. i never meant to lie to you."
even with louis attempts to deescalate the situation, harry still looks extremely hurt. "but you did. you know that trust and honesty are the most important things to me, but thats something you clearly don't care about. how long has this been going on?"
"how long has what been going on?"
"you lying to me about coming out? letting me look forward to something that you know isn't going to happen?"
louis sighs and looks away from harry's hard glare. "i decided i didn't want to come out when i was in the hospital," he confesses. "i've been hating myself like this since the up all night tour."
"so almost our entire relationship?" harry gasps in shock. "you've been lying to me since before we even got married? why don't you trust me? i've done everything i can to be a good husband for you. i guess that means
nothing though. what is marriage if we don't trust each other?"
"harry," louis starts but is cut off.
"i'm done, louis. i think we need to take a break," harry drops the bomb that louis has dreaded for their entire relationship.
louis can literally feel his heart momentarily stop beating. "a- a break? what do you mean?" he asks, hoping for anything but the worst.
"i think we shouldn't be together anymore."
in just those seven words, louis feels his entire world shatter around him. harry is everything to him. harry is his reason to live. the rock that has keep him going through all of his hardest moments is flying away.
"please, harry," louis falls to his knees, sobbing. he can't even bring himself to look up at the man he loves so much.
"what is a relationship without trust, louis? clearly, you don't trust me. you lied to me. i can't trust you now," harry says completely monotone.
"you can't break up with me. we've been through too much together. please," louis pleads, hoping to convince harry to stay.
"we've been through too much together for you to lie to me!" harry shouts. "you clearly don't need me. if you did, you would have let me help you. just go back to liam. you know, this really sucks. after everything, the one person i thought i would always be with turned out to be someone who i never had. i hate you, louis."
with that, harry walks out of their room, leaving louis sobbing into his hands. he collapses to the ground as a mess of tears and heartbreak. about a minute later, he hears the front door slam shut and louis realizes that for the first time since 2010, he's alone. he and harry have never broken up before. harry hates him. he is alone.
unable to see past his tears, louis stumbles around the kitchen, grabbing the first bottle of alcohol he could find before heading over to the bathroom, collapsing on the cold ground. he can't stop the sudden sickness that rushes over him and before he knows it, he is vomiting everything he has eaten out into the toilet. he has never cried so hard he has become sick before. this is a new low.
he opens his drawer and pulls out his razor, wasting no time in pulling off his shirt and trousers, dragging it across his skin. he no longer has to hide his cuts from harry, so he makes the quick decision to start cutting the clean skin on his thighs. why shouldn't he? nothing matters anymore.
he only makes a few cuts, alternating that with sipping out of the bottle, before starting to panic. he was doing fairly well. liam was proud of him. his mum was proud of him. part of louis feels bad for letting them down, but the other part just doesn't care. this is probably the lowest louis has ever felt, and that includes his overdose. harry hates him. this is the worst thing that has ever happened to him.
he can't believe that this has happened. harry has left him and the one person who can make him feel
good enough to not hurt himself is the reason he is doing it. louis takes another sip out of his bottle and wonders what he should do. even though he just made a few cuts, they are bleeding quite a bit, and louis does not want to be alone right now. he is scared of what he will do to himself if he remains alone for much longer. he wraps a towel around his leg and picks up his phone from where he abandoned it on the floor.
he can't call liam or his mum. they are so far away in england and they won't be able to get to him any time soon. the only person he could think of is niall. his flat in california is not too far away, and if not liam, mum, or harry, niall is definitely the person he trusts most.
in his trance, he barely notices himself dialing niall's number. he doesn't even notice right away when niall answers.
"hey, mate. how's it going?" niall asks when he answers the phone, becoming confused when he doesn't get a response. "tommo? are you there?"
this snaps louis out of his daze. "yeah, hi, niall. can you come over?" he asks, trying to sound normal, but his voice is shaky and words are slurred.
"yeah, of course, mate. i haven't been up to anything. is harry there?"
at the sound of harry's name, louis fully breaks down. he sobs so hard his entire body shakes.
niall drops the guitar he's holding and jumps up from his chair, shocked that such a calm phone call so quickly turned into this. "what's wrong, louis? is harry around? are you okay?"
"no, need you. please," louis sobs. he gasps in air, trying to get enough oxygen that seems too hard to take in.
niall rushes to his front door to grab his keys. "i'm on my way. i'll be there in just a few minutes, okay?"
"i wanna die. i wanna die," louis mutters to himself.
"what?" niall asks in shock. he doesn't know what is going on right now, but something really bad must have happened.
"i wanna die. i need to die."
"no, louis, no," niall shakes his head. "you need to stay on the phone until i get to yours. i'm on my way now."
louis doesn't respond, his mind focused on how much he wants to stop living in this moment. all of a sudden, he regrets the fact he called niall. if he didn't call niall, he would have been left alone to finally kill himself. niall would have had no idea. neither would his mum or liam, who would have no way of stopping him. the only one who might have known would be harry, who just walked out and would probably be happy if louis did it. louis isn't someone harry cares about anymore. harry hates him.
with the towel still pressed to his leg, louis starts to feel a little fuzzy. all of his thoughts become jumbled, no longer being in touch with reality. he hasn't eaten much today and he just drank a lot of alcohol a lot quicker than he should have. maybe he should've taken it a little easier, but he doesn't care right now.
niall arrives quickly. or, maybe not. louis doesn't really know. he hasn't moved. he is still in the same position, curled up on the bathroom floor.
niall lets himself in with the key he has, and makes a beeline towards the sound of faint crying. whatever he was expecting was so far from what he found. he has never seen his friend in such a state before, and is slightly taken aback by the sight.
"holy shit, lou! what happened?" niall exclaims, kneeling down to help louis sit up. he leans him back against the bathtub.
louis makes no effort to respond, so niall starts working to get him cleaned up. he removes the nearly empty bottle from louis' hand and places it on the counter, where it is out of reach. when he picks up the towel that louis was clinging on to, he definitely was not expecting to see all of the cuts that louis was hiding. he never expected that louis would do something like this to himself.
niall throws the blood-soaked towel into the laundry basket louis and harry keep in their bathroom, and grabs a different towel to wet and clean the cuts. "louis, what did you do?" he asks in dismay.
louis doesn't verbally respond. instead, he clings into niall's jacket, holding on to his friends as tightly as he could.
head dizzy from the alcohol and completely drained from all of the crying, louis ends up falling asleep on niall's shoulder while still on the bathroom floor, leaving his friend shocked by the scene he walked into, having no idea what happened that could break louis so badly.
w.c. 3215