april 6, 2015. england.
"i honestly can't believe you talked me into staying up until 3 am to talk to you," harry's sleepy voice comes out through the bluetooth speaker in louis' car.
"hey, it was perfect timing!" louis defends himself. "what better thing to do during a three hour drive than talk to my beautiful, loving husband?"
"you're very lucky i love you," harry tells him. "as soon as you are at your mum's, i'm going to sleep. i'll call you tonight so i can say hi to jay and everyone."
louis puts on his blinker and exits the highway, nearing his childhood home in doncaster. he's going to be spending the night, and liam is coming up to visit tomorrow, before they both head back to london. louis is so excited to see his family for the first time since the tour started, and had the genius idea to get harry to keep him company during the drive. of course, harry pretended to be upset about the late night, but he was thrilled to have the three hours that it took louis to drive from london to donny to talk to his husband.
"they'll love that," louis smiles. "it's going to be weird to visit them without you. it's been a while."
"yeah," harry agrees. "we're going to have to visit my mum and robin too. maybe gemma will even come around. we should make a list of everything we have to do when i get to england."
"of course. we'll do anything you want," louis moment of joy doesn't last long. "i really miss you."
"i miss you too, sunflower," harry replies without missing a beat. "being here without you is like i'm waking up to only half a blue sky. kinda there, but not quite," he quotes.
louis chuckles. "i'm walking around with just one shoe, i'm half a heart without you," he continues. "dork."
"hey, you love me!" harry defends himself. "twelve days. then i'm never letting you go again."
"i'll hold you to that," louis promises. "i'm almost there now, love. you should probably get some sleep. we really pushed your 8:30 bedtime today."
"oh shut up," harry chuckles. "enjoy your time with your family. i love you."
"i love you. promise you'll text when you wake up?" louis asks.
harry nods even though louis can't see him. "of course. i'll talk to you soon."
"okay. i love you."
harry says ones last, "i love you, too," before hanging up the phone. louis spend the last few minutes of his drive in silence, not bothering to turn on the radio, already missing the sound of his husband's sweet voice.
finally, louis pulls up in front of his childhood home, a grin breaking out on his face as soon as he sees his mum sitting outside with the biggest smile on her face.
louis hurries to put his range rover in park and turn off the engine, not even bothering to lock his doors before he runs into jay's arms, letting her hold him like she would when he was a kid. he finds so much comfort from being in his mum's arms, he wishes he could stay like this and have her protect him forever.
"hi, mum," louis says as he finally breaks away from the hug.
"louis, darling," jay joyfully exclaims. "how are you?"
"better now that i'm here," louis answers. "how are you? how are the kids?"
"all eagerly awaiting your arrival," jay grabs louis' hand and leads him inside.
he is instantly hit with the comforting scent of his childhood home. the beige colored walls in the hallway take him back to an easier time. back when he was 18 and only had to be concerned with getting into uni and being at home to help his mum take care of his younger sisters. he was free then. he was able to express himself and didn't have a care in the world. he didn't have to worry about what people thought of him. he got to see his family every day and just had a normal life. there are times where he wishes things were still like that. it would still be like that if he never auditioned for the x factor.
those thoughts quickly leave louis' mind when he thinks about harry. if he never auditioned for the x factor, he wouldn't have ended up with harry. he makes everything worth it. all that he misses when he's on tour or fighting with management doesn't matter because at the end of the day, he gets to go to bed with the most caring, supportive, and kind-souled person he has ever met.
as louis walks to the living room with his mum, he spots a picture hanging on the wall. it's the photo that jay so excitedly took on the day the band was formed. he pauses for a moment to gaze at it. all five of them looked so young and full of life, and had some pretty bad haircuts. their eyes were gleaming with excitement and hope for their future. now when louis sees photos of the band, he sees dull, tired eyes attached to only four young men who are stuck trying to fake their happiness for the world. it's crazy to think that the first picture was not even five years ago.
when jay notices he stopped to look at the photo, she gently puts her hand on his back. "we are all so proud of you, you know that right? no matter what happens. we've believed in you since day one. you have always made me so proud to be your mother."
louis' eyes break away from the photo and look back to his mum. "thank you," he says, unsure of how to express the extent of his gratitude.
louis finally enters the living room, where he is nearly tackled to the ground by lottie and fizzy. he tightly hugs them back, so glad to be back with his sisters. once they separate, louis hugs phoebe and daisy. "you have grown so much! i've missed you!" he exclaims, ruffling daisy's hair.
after his greetings to the girls, he finally gets to head over to see his youngest siblings, doris and ernest, who are busy playing with some toys on the ground. he gasps when he sees them. "what did you do to my babies?" he asks his mum. "they're huge! these aren't my ernest and doris!"
he scoops them both into his arms and hugs them. they're over a year old now, and it breaks louis' heart that he's so rarely able to see them. he was always such a huge part of his other siblings' lives, and it upsets him that the twins probably barely recognize him. he reluctantly lets them out of his hug. he wishes he could hold on to their childhood innocence and be able to take care of them and protect them, like a good big brother.
"why don't we all go out to the garden for a while before lunch?" jay suggests. "dan will be home in a couple hours."
louis picks up doris while jay carries ernest, and the large family makes their way outside. both sets of twins head off to play, while louis, jay, lottie, and fizzy take a seat at their outdoor table.
"it's been too long since we've seen you, lou. how's tour?" lottie asks.
"busy," louis responds. "we had to make a lot of changes to keep the harmonies and everything sounding right without zayn and sometimes it's easy to forget that my part in a song changed."
"have you spoken to him?" jay wonders. "how is he doing?"
louis shrugs. "i talked to him like a week ago. he hasn't really been responding to any of our texts. i think he needs some space right now. it's a lot to get adjusted to."
"such a shame," jay frowns. "you two were always so close."
"oh well," louis says nonchalantly, trying to mask how much the lack of communication with zayn was actually hurting him. "it is what it is. it's what's best for him."
"what about harry?" fizzy asks. "how is he doing?"
a wide smile crosses louis' face. "he's doing good. he misses you all. he wants to call later tonight to say hi to everyone."
jay's face lights up. "oh, that would be wonderful!" she exclaims. "he's a part of this family. we would love to speak to him."
one thing that louis is so ridiculously thankful for is how supportive his family is. harry means the world to him. the fact that his family has so openly accepted him as one of them means so much to louis.
he is so often told by fans or sees tweets that are from young queer people who aren't accepted by their families and have to live without their support and love, or people who are too scared to come out because they know that would be an automatic ticket out the door. louis is so thankful that he was lucky enough to have such a great family, and find a partner who loves him and he loves back. he almost feels guilty for still hating himself so much and hating the fact he's gay when he has so much more privilege than so many others.
"we're planning on visiting harry's family and then coming to visit here again after harry gets back to london," louis tells them, pushing his thoughts aside.
lottie and fizzy almost jump in excitement. "we're going to see harry soon? that's amazing!" fizzy exclaimed.
"you better not be more excited to see him than you are to see me," louis defends himself. "i was the one who babysat you and changed your diapers. not harry."
"oh shut up, lou," lottie playfully his her brother's arm. "obviously we're more excited to see harry."
"mum, lottie is being mean to me," louis whines.
jay rolls her eyes. "i thought at least one of my children would outgrow this by now," she says exasperatedly, although louis can tell she doesn't mean it.
"enough about me," louis decides. "how is school going?" he asks his sisters curiously.
"there's a new guy in my class," lottie begins, excitedly. "he's so dreamy and kind. i think he has a girlfriend, though," she frowns at the end.
"good," louis states. "you don't need any boys. boys are bad news."
lottie scoffs. "you're in a relationship with a boy! you're not one to talk."
"doesn't matter. i'm older. it doesn't apply to me," louis says, sassily. "anyways, harry is a man, so it doesn't even count."
lottie childishly sticks her tongue out at her older brother.
"my geography teacher is trying to sabotage my grade," fizzy says to change the topic away from her bickering siblings.
jay sighs. she has heard this conversation way too many times already. "he's not sabotaging your grade, sweetheart. he's just a harsh grader and was looking for something different than what you turned in," she explains again.
"he gave me a d on a paper that i should have gotten at least a b on, but probably an a!" fizzy exclaims. "how am i supposed to stay top of my class if i'm getting bad marks that i don't deserve?"
"don't worry, fiz. i'm proud of you regardless of what your marks are," louis pulls his younger sister into a comforting hug. "one bad mark isn't going to kill you. i failed my a levels and it means nothing now."
"well you're different," fizzy counters. "not all of us are going to grow up to be global superstars."
"that's fair, that's fair," louis holds his hands up in defeat. "still, it doesn't matter. you're one of the smartest people i know. if this geography teacher doesn't see that, then it's his problem, not yours."
jay smiles at the interaction between her children. she loves how well they get on and how close their relationship is, no matter how long louis is away for. "louis, come inside and help me make lunch," she requests. "can you two please stay out and watch the twins?" she asks lottie and fizzy. they all agree and louis follows his mother inside.
louis grabs some vegetables from the refrigerator to cut up a salad and jay begins making some sandwiches. they work in silence for a minute before jay speaks up.
"how are you doing, louis?" she asks.
"i'm doing okay," he responds, slightly confused from the random question.
jay puts down the slice of break she was holding and turns to face her son. "you know what i mean, darling. i can see that you're struggling. i'm your mum. i can tell that your eyes look sad."
louis shakes his head. "it's nothing to worry about. the band is just tiring," he tries to convince her.
"louis, you're my son. i will always be here for you," she pleads. "i'm worried about you. you've changed from the happy boy i sent off on the x factor. you always brought so much light everywhere you went. you're like the sun. always doing whatever you can to brighten everyone else's day. that light in your eye is fading. you are still the generous and selfless boy i have always known, but you don't have the joy in you that you're always spreading to other people. you deserve to be happy."
louis hand begins to tremble slightly as he cuts the vegetables while listening to his mother's words. "i promise i'll be alright, mum. i've just felt low lately," he swears. "everything is pretty rough right now and it's not the easiest to get up every day and deal with whatever is going to get thrown at me. the band is going to be taking a hiatus after this next record. i'll be better then."
"are you sure, lou? that is still several more months away. if you need anything, please come to me. or harry. or anyone. we all love you and i wish i had my happy lou back," jay almost begs.
louis almost feels guilty about keeping so much from her, but he can't burden her with his problems. she has a job and six kids at home that she needs to take care of. she has friends and her husband that she needs to spend time with. she's a busy woman. louis doesn't want to add more to her plate than she already has.
louis is also worried about how she would react. he has always been a fairly private person. the thought of his true feelings coming out is something that terrifies him, and even if he did want to talk to her about it, he would have no idea how to even start the conversation. this is why he keeps himself closed off from his family, husband, and bandmates. it's easier to deal with everything by himself.
"i just wish i had more time to call you when i'm away," louis finally says after a minute of thinking.
"oh, honey," jay pulls louis into her arms. "i'm always here for you. i don't care if it's the middle of the night. if you need me, you call. no matter what."
louis nods against his mum's chest, clinging onto her. he bites back tears, not wanting to give jay even more reason to worry. something about being here in this house and in his mum's strong arms, makes him feel like he's a child again. he feels helpless like he did when he was seeking comfort after having a bad dream or watching a scary movie. but now, instead of protecting him from imaginary monsters, louis needs to be shielded from the horrors of real life.
"please never let me go, mum," louis begs in desperation. "please save me."
jay rubs louis' back and hold him even tighter. "you're never alone, my love. i'll always be here to save you."
w.c. 2672