HS: San, what do you mean....?
San: I said do you want to have more fun?
He moved closer to me with his eyes shining. I moved back panicked.
HS: What is it San? Did you drink?
San: Yes. Why? I told you before I love you. You won't believe me?
HS: San, when did you drink?
San: While you were out of the car to help MinGi with the sack.
HS: That means you were driving drunk?
San: What does this have to do with? Please tell me you want fun too. I... I am thirsty.
The butterflies in me continued dancing aggressively and my heart was almost out of my chest.
HS: San... I like you... But not in the way I am supposed to.
San: HS, I was already patient. And alcohol is in my veins. Nothing can stop me now. Please tell me it's not only me feeling like this...
I started feeling threatened so I got up from the sofa and walked some steps back.
HS: It's only, I don't feel like doing anything tonight... I am sorry but...
San: I am sad HS. Sad! Because you hugged hyung and you was with him all day. But why? I was the one to confess. I am sad!
HS: I'm sorry San. I told you nothing happened. I was just in the situation and needed comfort. I thought SeongHwa would die...
San: Now I need comfort, HS!
He got up abruptly and rushing to me, he hugged me tightly before I get to react. We stayed like this for some minutes and I could feel his heart beating as fast as mine. My inside got upside down and even though I knew I should push him back, I felt like wanting this hug to keep for a long time still. Finally I found the strength and pushed him back softly.
HS: San... Why did you get drank?
San: I wanted to be brave. I'm serious HS, I have been in so many dangerous missions but I only needed alcohol to be brave with you. I wanted to tell you that I love you. I wanted to be with you and do things with you...
HS: I am sorry San...
San: You are sorry for what? Don't tell me that that was all... Don't tell me just you don't like me as I do! Just forget this for one night! Can't you forget you don't like me for this one night?
HS: San, the thing is that I don't know if I like you! And you cannot do things with every person you like. Relationships like this leave a permanent soul connection. And it's burdensome for me to move on leaving behind connections of my soul.
San: I know, I know... But can't we just forget this for a single time?
I didn't know what to do. He was drank and couldn't understand me. I wanted to comfort him and help him out and do all his favours. But would it be a real solution? Or were the things just going to get worse? I breathed deeply being in this hopeless situation.
HS: Then what do you want to do?
He looked at me with his eyes shining still weirdly through both hope and desperation. I almost pitied him but I had more immediate things to take care of. He probably was quite dizzy and trying to come closer, he misstepped and nearly fell on me.
San: I want to kiss you, and sleep with you... I want you to be in my hands...
I nodded panicked. What should I do? Then I noticed his face and he was even more panicked than me. I felt the need to help him but at the same time I felt the instinct of avoiding him. He couldn't wait so he tightly grabbed my hand and he carried me upstairs.
HS: San... What are you doing? Let me go! Please! Help! *I shouted.*
San was still strong even drank. I couldn't free my hand. He closed the door of his room and pushed me softly but dicisevely on his bed.
HS: San! Let me go please!
He smiled but I saw tears dropping on his cheeks. The immediate next moment I forgot my problems and I only wanted to help him.
HS: San, San! Are you okay?
He didn't answer. He just continued shedding tears but with a painful smile on his lips.
HS: San, I am sorry! I am really sorry!
San: No HS. I am sorry... I scared you didn't I? I didn't mean to scare you. Can you just sleep here, please? Just this... I mean, it won't matter right? We have already slept together two times.... Nothing will happen...
He couldn't stand for long and heavily fell on the bed. He bursted into crying and he reached for me. I wasn't able to control neither my feelings nor the wild butterflies in me. I just reached my hands and hugged him. He hugged me back wiping his tears. I kissed him on the forehead.
HS: Now you can calm down...
He calmly put his head on my shoulder and closed his eyes.
San: I love you HS... *He whispered.* Can you tell me you love me too? Even if it's just for tonight?
His childish logic won me over.
HS: I love you San. I really do. But it's not the love you want.
San: You could just say you love me... *He mumbled.*
I smiled but I was struggling not to cry.
HS: I love you San.
He smirked satisfied and fell asleep peacefully on me. I stroked him. His skin was soft and neat.
HS: That's right... Sleep well.
I didn't feel the need to control butterflies's wildness inside me. I fell asleep looking at San lovingly and my sleep had no dreams. My worries about my brother, SeongHwa, San, Wooyoung, missions were all gone leaving no trace in my mind and soul.
Just for one single night.