Roger's P.O.V.
I found myself sitting on the ground by the toilet in the bathroom of my hotel room. Our hotel room actually. Mine, and Brian's. Brian. Oh god.
With a groan, I rubbed my eyes, leaning against the wall.
I don't remember how I got here. I don't remember what happened tonight. What time was it? What day it was? What city was this? I had no idea. And I couldn't care less.
All I knew for sure, was that something was terribly terribly wrong. Apart from horrid nausea, headache and rigor, I also felt the panic. Panic, fear, despair, guilt, anger all in one. I just couldn't remember why.
Brian wasn't here now. I didn't know where he was. He usually was with me. Where was he? Why was he gone? In the back of my head, I somehow knew I didn't want to see him right now. I didn't want to talk to him. Just thinking about him made the numerous negative feelings in me just grow bigger. Did something happen?
My mind was starting to sluggishly, but surely, clear out. I could remember small pieces of my stumbling trip back to the hotel. I realized it was the middle of the night. We were in London.
Suddenly I remembered everything, except tonight's evening.
Was it something I was trying to forget?
For the millionth time, I inhaled deeply, closing my eyes and going back in my memories, trying to remember. With going back, my head started to spin, and shivers ran down my back, but I kept going.
My eyes shot open when it hit me. It all came back and my cheek started to burn again as if it was slapped just now. Brian slapped me. Brian slapped me. What the fuck?
Thoughts started flying rapidly around my brain, uncontrollably, panicky, confusedly.
Brian just went and hit me. He never did that. He was never like that. He would never hurt a living soul. And he just slapped me. How could he?
Then, he didn't even apologize. He didn't even listen. He just stormed out as a big stubborn baby. He can't just go slapping people and walk away! How could he do that?
He must have known the kiss want my fault! And if he just listened for a second, I could have explained it to him!
And t slap wasn't the worst he did. It was the look he gave me. The look he gave me when he found out, and realized I've taken drugs. The judgement, disappointment, disbelief and disgust in his eyes. I still felt this gaze of him on me. I guess I'll just never forget it.
I felt so offended. I was bubbling with rage, and my wounded pride was hurting. If he cared about me as much as he always claims, maybe he could have just listened! Maybe try to understand how I feel, maybe try to understand that it's hard for me! Maybe, with that big brain of his, try to understand that it wasn't my fault at all! Not just get offended as hell immediately and run off!
When I look at it, why was he even looking for me? I can't take care of myself! He's always babying me so much as if I was a damn child! I never asked him for help! If he's now struggling as much that he had to storm off, it's only his own fault! I never asked him to Care, I've never asked him to help!
No- he's not only babying me, he's manipulating me. I've never realized it! If he never took this control of me, judging what I did so much, I would have to be hiding and drinking in bathrooms as some kind of an animal. I wouldn't have to be so stressed out in him finding out. I could have never forgotten beer that one day. I could have never taken any drugs. So it's actually his fault!
It's his fault. He's been controlling me all the time. The stupid blabbers of his how he loved me so much- it all must have been a lie! He only used my love for him to manipulate me. All this is only his fault and he's mad at me?!
——————-
The sun was starting to go up, and the very first rays of sunshine were falling on the surface of earth when I heard the front door of our hotel room being slammed open.
"Roger?!" I heard Brian call. I shot sitting up straight, blinking, to sweep the glitters I saw in front of my eyes away.
By his voice, he didn't seem angry. He seemed worried and scared. That made me even more furious. Babying me again. Manipulating me again.
"Roger?!" I heard him shit again, his footsteps rushing around the room, searching. I didn't reply, stayed silent. I didn't want him here. I wanted him to leave. Now.
And never come back.
I grasped my fists firmly, my bails digging into my skin. I hardly noticed the pain.
"Roger!" I head an exclaim as the door of the bathroom were ripped open and Brian's figure was standing in the doorframe. "There you are! Why didn't you say anything?"
He fell down to his knees next to me, reaching out his hand to my forehead, to check my body temperature. He was watching me carefully, worry and care visible in his eyes, as if I was his fucking child.
Just as he was about to touch my skin, a wave of rage rose inside me and I slapped his hand away.
Immediately, he frowned, pulling slightly away, watching me in a mix of surprise and concern. I looked away, avoiding his gaze, staring offendedly into the ground.
"What is wrong?" He asked.
"Let me be," slipped out of my lips weakly before I could stop it.
"Is something going on? Are you mad at me? Are you sick?" He attacked some with questions, clearly ignoring my comment. Just another example of him being the mother of mine.
"Stop it," I mumbled sharply.
"Stop what?"
"Where were you al night?" I asked, leaving his question unanswered. I just didn't want to tell him. He knew it already. I shouldn't be explaining it to him.
"Um- I was at a club," he replied, startled. "Then I was looking for you in the backstage."
I couldn't help but snicker dryly.
How could I have not noticed it before?! Now when I know it, I see it everywhere! In every single thing he says, in every single thing he does!
'Looking for me in the backstage' - more like following me, ain't it?
"What?" He just glowered again, a tiny bit of annoyance already visible in his voice, but his worry and care still outweighed that, as he tried to touch my forehead again. Just as a reflex, I slapped his hand away again, having to hold myself back not to jump at him and scratch his eyes out.
I won't let him even only touch me ever again.
"I said let me be!" I spoke up, my voice getting louder, headache hitting me as I did so.
"What is wrong with you?!" Finally, finally, Brian was starting to get really angry. That made me feel good.
"Nothing, only that, what you have done to me!" I snapped back into his confused face. My vision was getting blurry, but I blinked a few times to sweep it away. I hope I won't faint.
"What did I ever do?" He exclaimed, throwing his hands in the air.
This really made my blood boil. What did he ever do?! Controlled me! Manipulated me. Lied about loving me! Can't he at least be a man and admit it?!
"Oh don't act as if you didn't know!" I uttered.
"I don't know, who won't you tell me?!"
"You're fucking manipulating me you cunt!" I yelled.
"What?!"
"Stop pretending as if you didn't know, for gods sake!" I shouted.
"How the hell do I manipulate you?!" He just kept on refuting, confused and at this point, furious.
"You're always controlling me, controlling every single thing I do in my life. You control how much I drink, always sneaking up on me, checking if I'm okay- it's driving me mad! It's as if I didn't have no life!" I screeched.
"That's caring about you, not manipulating you! Those are two completely different things for your information!" He retorted, folding his arms, his cheeks burning in rage.
"Oh don't be smart mouthing me, you ain't no better than me, even though you always think so!"
"I can do whatever I want!" Brian snapped back.
"So why can't I?!"
"I've never told u what to do, I've never given you any order! You're making this all up, acting as a child again!" He was stabbing me with a cold dead look.
What the fuck was he saying?! All this stupid blabbering!
"Well maybe 'cause you're acting as my fucking mom!" I exclaimed. My head was spinning madly, and I could hear blood pounding in my ears. But my rage was still boiling. "How many times did I have to tell you that I'm fucking okay! You never believed me! You just kept on sticking you nose into things which are none of your business!"
"Because I care!" Brian screamed.
"Then finally stop! I don't need you help, I've told you a million times! Just quit it!" I snapped back.
" I won't stop! Wanna know why I never stop even when you ask me to?" He asked. I noticed a vain pulsing in his forehead. "Cause you do need my help! Look at you! Look at yourself! Admit it Rog, you're a wreck! You get drunk before every gig and now you even take drugs! You need my help!"
I gasped, my heart rate increasing. I felt my heart banging on my ribs from inside.
"Well you know what? I'm only like this because of you!" I screamed, full of fury.
I saw how Brian stopped. A shadow ran over his face and for a second, his expression changed. Just for a second, he seemed broken and desperate. But then ur was gone and he was back with all the anger.
"What?! How the hell is that?!"
"If it wasn't for you, I would never have to hide in bathrooms drinking in secret. I would never stress about it so much!" I felt how I was becoming hysterical. I was tired of explaining this all to him. I wanted him to just admit it. "Everything would be fine! I would never have to take drugs! It's only your fault Brian! Only your fault!"
"What shit is that! You know that is not true! What are you even saying? How did you ever start to think of that?!" I noticed how his voice started trembling.
I groaned and rolled my eyes, tears forming up in them.
"Stop lying fucking finally! You're controlling me and manipulating me, I know it so just admit it!" First tears happened to make their way down my cheeks. "Everything you do, everything you say is a lie! Just another lie to take control of me!"
"Oh, that's bullshit! why would I ever do that?!" The curly lad exclaimed, his eyes watering.
"I don't know, cause you're a maniac?!" I threw my hands in the air, sniffling.
"You're blabbering nonsence Rog! For example, what exactly do you believe I said or did was a lie to manipulate you?!"
"You said you love me!" I screamed, my nerves cracking down, sinking in tears.
And then- silence.
Yep, this is a long ass argue. Hope u like it. Thanks for 8k reads n #1 in brianmay ah!
Ohmygod- everyone!
Go read 'WAIT FOR ME' by playthefuckinggame cause ugh it's just pErFecT. It's maylor eMotIoNaL shit n along with 'MODERN TIMES ROCK N ROLL' by stanningqueen4life its one of the best maylor ffcs around here.
Aaaaaaaan 'HOLY BRIBLE' by queenoncrack