I still love you | Maylor fanfiction

15

John's P.O.V.

I felt Freddie squeeze my hand gently. I was so stressed out that I felt rather relieved and realized I really did need that, than anxious of how close he sat and that he held my hand.
"Everything will be alright," he said calmly.
Even though I could feel the worried look of his on my ace, I kept on staring down to the ground, not answering, not being even able to answer.

We were sitting in the leather couch in Freddie's silent apartment, the late afternoon sun shining though the windows, painting the clouds outside shades of pink and red. We decided this was the day to tell my parents what I really want. Freddie helped me to see it clearly, helped me to reach it. And helped me to get it out as well.
"You can do it," he assured me, pulling away his hand from mine. I moved my gaze slowly to the telephone on the table in front of us. I was swaying and my knees were slightly shivering, as they always did when I was stressed out and nervous.
"Oh my dear," he chuckled softly. "You are so pale."
A short giggle escaped my lips, allowing me to take one deep breath before the nerves took over again.
"Don't worry my love. If it gets bad, you can always end the call."
I closed my eyes for a second, inhaling sharply through my nose, when I opened them again, I reached for the phone before I could stop myself. I pressed the handle in my hand, feeling the plastic on my skin, taking it of the holder.
"I mustn't end it before I solve this. I can't stop in between. I have to finish it," I mumbled, sinking with my gaze into the keypad on the device, seeing the right number combination right in front of my eyes.
Freddie didn't reply.
My fingers shaking I bent down and slowly I pressed out the number, my eyes twitching nervously to Freddie, before finishing the last one, and putting the phone to my ear.

I heard it ringing as I sat there, back straightened, grasping the leather of the sofa with my free hand, sweating and shaking all over. It felt like dreadful hours as I was waiting there. I heard Freddie's clock ticking, and I thought they must have ticked at least a thousand times, every time the second's arm moved an another piece.
So long, that I thought they might never pick up.
I was ready to give up with an exhale, and put the phone down, when I heard a sound at the other side of the line, and finally, a deep voice sounded.
"Hello?"

My eyes widened as I recognized the voice. It wasn't my mom as I thought. It was my dad. That was bad. So bad. That completely changed the situation. This was a bad idea. A terrible idea, the worst of them all. I couldn't do it. I had to make up something, back up. Telling him what I had planned before was in no way an option.
I gasped for air as I send a desperate look to Freddie, begging him for help. His deep dark eyes, gazed calmly into mine, as he grabbed my hand again, taking it in both of his, warm and soft ones.
"You can do this," he mouthed silently, serious expression on face. He trusted me. He believed in me. He knew I could do it.
"Hello?!" Came from the phone again.
"Yeah, Um, h-hello, hi dad," I stuttered out, my voice wavering. I didn't know if I should cry, shout or laugh, or all at once- only because the warmth of Freddie's hands, the depth of his eyes and simply just his presence made me continue. "It's- it's John."
"Hey John," his voice cold as always, not showing a slightest piece of joy about hearing his son after a long time. "What do you want?"
Straight to the point. Wow.
"Um, well..."
I shout my eyes back at Fred again. How should I start?
"I'm waiting," came from the other line impatiently.
Anger started to slowly rise inside me. Couldn't he make only few minutes to talk to his son? Couldn't he be grateful that I called? Happy to hear me? Or at least not sound so goddamn bored?"
"Yeah, I'm here," I responded, frowning. "Actually I'm calling because of something important I want to tell you."
With the corner of my eye I could see Freddie showing me a thumb-up okay sign with his free hand.
"Alright. What is it?"
No interest at all in his voice. None of it.
"You don't care, don't you?" Came out of me before I could stop it, by voice getting slightly louder.
"Look John," he sighed. "If you're gonna tell me you're gay, I already know. We all know. You don't have to make such drama about it. No one really cares."
"What?!" I spat out, not able to believe my ears, raging in anger. "No! I'm not! What the hell?!"
"And here we go again," my father commented heavily. "We finally talk after a long time and you only use it as another opportunity to yell at me. Can't you see the reason why our family broke apart?"
I gasped for air as his words hit me, stabbing me as a knife. I couldn't believe that he could eve r say that. Something as mean- I would never allow myself to say something like this to anyone in the whole world. Especially a family.
For one short seconds doubts wriggled in my brain. Was it true? Was I the reason my parents had such bad relationship? Was I the reason my older sister ran away? Was I the reason my parents an I had such bad relationship?

Again, Freddie was here to save me. He was still sitting by my side, holding my hand.
No. It was not true. I was not the reason.
"Anyways dad, as I said, it's something different," I inhaled deeply and continued as calmly as I possibly could. "It's about my future career."
"Oh, have you finally came to mind?" He exclaimed, cheering mockingly.
"No," is stopped him. "In fact, not at all. Dad, I'm gonna be a musician."
I head him burst in laughter at the other side of the line, tearing my heart apart, but I decided I'm not going to allow him to hurt me.
"No, you're not. Wake up John! You can't! You can never! It only happens in dreams!" He yelled into the phone, giggling as a madman.
"I am dad," I stood on my side, replying calmly and shortly.
"John, listen," his voice changed, dead and serious. "You. Can't. Do. That. You just don't have what it takes. Just so you know, when you'll be back, begging for money, I'm not giving you any."
"I won't be back dad. You won't see me ever again," I spat out. Anger won over my pain and I wanted to give an end to how he was treating me. "I do have what it takes for. This is what I have to do, this is what I can do. I have people around me, amazing people who also got what it takes, and they all support me and understand me and we're going for the same thing and we're gonna make it."
"John, I'm not allowing you to do that. Do you listen to yourself? What is it that you're talking?"
My jaw dropped, as I hysterical into hysterical laughter. I couldn't believe what I've just heard.
"You don't allow me? You don't allow me?!" I laughed at him. "Dad, this is my life. I don't need an allowance of you for anything. My life, my decisions. I'm gonna do this, whether you like it or not, and we're gonna be the top. Wait and see, and maybe one day, come back with an apology, to that day, I do never what to hear from you again," I didn't even wait for his answer, I felt that if he said something, I wouldn't be able to stop myself and would tell at him, which although I was furious, I didn't want.
I slammed the phone against its holder, the room suddenly filling with stifling silence.

I shifted my gaze towards Freddie to find him frozen in place, staring at me, his eyes wide and jaw on the floor, shock, admiration and amazement shining through his face.
"That... was kind of hot," he blurted finally, making us both burst into laughter.

Freddie's P.O.V.

"Freddie, what's going on?" Mary asked, despair creeping into her voice. "Is something wrong?"
With a sigh I removed my arm from around her shoulders, Laing it in my lap, staring at my feet so that I for gods sake didn't had to look into Mary's eyes, see all the pain I caused her.
"Nothings wrong..." I mumbled.
"Fred, you're a terrible liar," she cut me of. She knew me too damn well. "Why are you lying to me? You know you don't have to. Just tell me what's wrong."
Nothing. Everything. I don't know.
Honestly, something has been wrong for quite a while now. With me. But I don't know what. I didn't think about it further, I was scared I might reveal something I didn't really want to, so I just kept my mind off it. But as it seemed, I could hide it completely. Mary did notice.
"I don't know, I'm just- not feeling myself lately," I shrugged my shoulders, clearing my thought. "Maybe I'm getting ill or something..."
She stayed silent, I could feel her gaze in my face but I didn't  dare to turn around and look at her. I just kept on sitting there on the bench in he part, staring in front of me on the sunset, while my girlfriend was breaking into tears right next to me. I felt as a fucking coward.
"Is it... this relationship? Am I- Am I doing something wrong, or-" she stuttered, voice wavering.
"No, God, no! Not at all!" I exclaimed, finally looking into her tear stained face, wrapping my hands around her, pulling her into a comforting hug. I couldn't stand her pain. "What is it you're thinking? It's not. You are perfect. You are the love of my life," I whispered to her comfortingly as she brief her face into my chest.

I was betraying her. I was lying to her.
Something was wrong. Something was not alright in this relationship. It wasn't Mary, it just- I couldn't explain it. But something was wrong with me, and it was stressing me out.

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