Roger's P.O.V.
I entered the bathroom box with my backpack, locking the door behind me. I put down the toiled board and sat on top of it, placing my bag on my knees. I was already starting to feel light nervous tingling in my stomach, but I had beer with me, so I will just drink it now and later on there will be nothing to worry about.
Just three more shows left. Thrice, I will fill my blood with alcohol, trice, I will then walk up the stage, trice, I will play with Queen as the opening act for the crowds of fans below the stage.
I stuck to this habit of mine, and followed it before every gig. I couldn't say I enjoyed every show to the maximum. I also didn't look forwards to them. But I was always prepared, so I avoided my attacks and I was alright, so in the end, the gigs went fine and even drew few smiles on my face which weren't forced.
I sighed, shaking my head and pushing all the thoughts out of my head. Reaching out for the zipper I started to open the bag. I could have been somewhere halfway through when I started to have this really bad feeling in the back of my head. This suspicion, instinct which sped up my heart and made the stress level inside me rise.
I ripped the zipper open, hysterically thrusting my hand inside, but I got to grasp only empty space. A shriek escaped my lips and my eyes flew up to the ceiling as I gripped the fabric of my bag, covered in sweat from head to toe.
There was nothing. The bag was bloody empty. How the hell could I not notice?!
I fell with my back against the wall, beginning to shake. I felt the panic rise inside me rapidly, blood pounding in my head. My stomach started to swirl and my head was spinning insanely.
It was here again. But coming out of the sudden, attacking me as a wild animal.
How could I only allow this? How could I only be this stupid? How could I have not noticed? This was my biggest fear, my biggest nightmare. I never wanted to experience it again, I promised myself I won't ever have to go through this again. But now, only because of my carelessness I allowed it.
I screwed up. I screwed up so bad. It was only a matter of minutes until my body gets caught up in horrid cramps, vomiting everywhere around, unable to move.
I grasped all my remaining will, throwing the empty back mindlessly into the corner of the bathroom box, getting up on my feet. For Dreadfully long seconds, I struggled with the lock on the door, in the end finally kicking the door open, storming out of the room.
"Rog? Where are you going?" I was attacked as soon as I stepped out of the door by a piercing shout of John's.
"Fresh air," I retorted, without even stopping or giving him a single look.
"Should I come with-"
"No! No, no don't," I shrieked, gesticulating with my hands wildly, keeping him away, while still stomping down the aisle.
"Alright," I heard him mumble from behind as he finally gave up and stopped following me.
I continued on walking through the whole backstage. The alleyways were filled with what seemed to be enormous crowds of people. The crew, the musicians, the electricians, the news reporters and people with VIP tickets, all their chatter filling all the empty spaces which were left between the masses of their bodies.
I intertwined between the figures and their extremities, pushing the people away with insane wildness caused by the despair and panic rising inside me.
I ran throughout the whole building at least two times, failing at finding at least one carton of beer. To my disappointment, I noticed that none of the people around had a single bottle or cup of alcohol in their hands.
I wanted to avoid it, but now I didn't have a choice, so I stepped to one of the organizers.
"Where can I get a drink?" I blurted out, grasping him by the shoulder, stopping him and turning him towards me.
"What?"
"Where can I get a drink in here?!" I repeated, annoyed and angry that I had to do so. I was in a rush!
"You can't get a drink in here, if you mean alcohol," he shrugged his shoulders mindlessly.
Of course I meant alcohol, what else would I for the love of god mean?!
"What?" I hoped I didn't hear right.
"You can't get-"
"What do you mean?! There is always alcohol in the backstage!" I interrupted him, hardly managing to hold myself back and not to start shaking with him in rage.
"Well not here. In this stadium, they are really strict, and won't allow any alcohol. Not only a single beer. I'm sorry son," he chuckled and laid his hand on my shoulder in protective gesture. "You'll have to resist your desires."
With a groan I slapped his hand away, and turning around on my feet I rushed away from him. I was heading to the exit of t he building. I knew I didn't have much time but was sure I could find some alcohol out on the streets. It wasn't like I wanted to run away, I will come back just as soon as I get some beer. A small voice in the back of my head kept on bugging me, telling me that there is only a very low possibility of that I will find a store near, and if yes, it might take too long. But I kept on depending on this small hope, and that if this doesn't work out, I might as well just find something laying in the ground and it will be enough. I wasn't willing to let go of this hope. Cause it was the only thing which I had left.
I broke the door open, finally stumbling out on the empty cold street. As a madman, I started to run, and I sprinted around the blocks desperately looking around for a single shop. I ran further, even though the cold biting into my body and goosebumps forming on my skin, my whole body shaking and my ankles wiggling on my boots, made more for admiration, not for actual use.
But after only about ten minutes, I knew I was doomed. It took too much time. I felt that I had to go back. We were about to start and the others must have been already looking for me. But I couldn't go back. I couldn't do it. I couldn't play like this, I couldn't even walk up on the stage. All of them would see how I look. They would see the wreck I am. They would see what was the thing which held back the success they could have had by now. We would get kicked out of the tour. I would get kicked out of the band. And most of all, Brian, my sweet Brian, would see that I lied to him. He will never forgive me.
I stopped, staring in the middle of the dark quiet road, hiding my face in hands. I was shaking so much that I hardly managed to stand on my feet. I started to sob and first tears streamed down my cheeks.
"I think I have just the thing you need."
A voice suddenly addressed me from behind, loud and clear.
I jerked myself, turning around and stepping away, revealing quite a tall slender guy, just a few years older than me, standing there in a jean jacket and beanie, staring at me with his eyes shining and a smirk playing on his lips.
"What- who are you? What do you want?" I retorted, trying to hide my sobs, being suspicious and ksort of scared because of my not very good memories about meeting strangers out on streets.
"Someone who can help you," he answered calmly. "And I want to help you."
"I don't need help," I shook my head immediately.
"You do," he chuckled. "Look at yourself. You need Help and you know it."
I stayed silent for a while. He knew I was lying. He must have seen me before. Obviously. I didn't see any bottles or cans in his hands, but If he really could help me, perhaps some different way, why not try it?
"How can you help me?" I sighed, frowning and watching him carefully.
His hand slowly dived into his pocket. I stared at it, impatient to see what is he going to pull out.
It was a small plastic container. Brown, semitransparent, with a screw on lid and an empty label. He shook it lightly, small items shattering inside and making a pleasing sound.
"What is this?"
"Something that can help you. You take one and in a minute you feel amazing."
I froze in place, frowning and examining the bottle from away with my gaze. I knew what was this. Those were drugs. This guy was offering me drugs. Drugs were dangerous and I would never take them, I would never even imagine myself getting in contact with them. But now, the circumstances were pushing on me. There was no time and no alcohol near. This was a solution.
The guy saw I wasn't sure.
"Hey man, I know exactly how you feel. I've had the same problem. You feel freaked out, panicking, you would rather die than to continue in this. But this man, this will help you. A minute, I'm telling you, a minute, and everything will be okay. Not okay, amazing. Trust me."
This was a solution. There was no other way. I'll take just one and I'll never take another one again. I won't build dependency on it. I'll take just one.
"How much do you want for it?"
"Hundred pounds. For the whole box."
"Can't I buy just one pill?"
"No man. Whole box or nothing."
I frowned but started to look through my pockets for my wallet. I will throw the others away. I needed just the one now.
Thankfully, the wallet was in my back pocket. I took out and handed one hundred pounds to that guy in exchange for the container and pills inside.
"Thanks man. Cheers," a smile spread on his lips before he turned away and disappeared in the shadows.
I gave the small box one look before shoveling it in my pocket and running back to the stadium.
"Roger!" I was shouted at by Fred as soon as he spotted me. "Come on, let's go! We have to go!"
"Just a sec Fred, I have to go to the bathroom," I tried to shake him off and walked past him.
"What?! Rog, no! Come here! There's no time!" He yellled after me.
"Just a sec I have to piss for fucks sake," I screamed, storming into the bathroom again, slamming the door shut behind me.
Leaning against the door so that no one could enter, I pulled out out the container.
There was no time to waste. With my shaking hands I took of the lid and shook out one pill on the palm of my left hand. It was round and a bright yellow color. For a while I stopped, staring at it and frowning. I didn't want to take it. Was it necessary? Couldn't I just go to the band and tell them the truth? Just give up? I didn't want to do this.
Brian. Brian. I couldn't let him know that I lied to him.
My eyes flew up to the ceiling, whispering a silent prayer before I threw the pill in my mouth, swallowing it afterwards.
The guy told me one minute. One minute and I will be okay. I just hoped he was telling the truth.
I closed the small box again, hiding it in the back pocket of my jeans.
If this guy lied to me. If he lied to me I was screwed. He couldn't lie to me. This time, this one time I really needed a street seller not to fool me. Please, please let this be real and let it work.
My look fell on my watch.
57. 58. 59. 00. 01. 02. 03. 04. A minute. A minute has passed. A minute has passed and it still wasn't working. I but my lip, hardly holding back my tears. Again, I started shaking, despair eating me from inside.
No. No. No no no no no.
This couldn't be. This couldn't be true. Oh god, satan, anyone, please I beg-
A sudden feeling hit me, interrupting my thoughts, making me gasp for air. Warmth spilled in my chest, swiped the freezing cold out of my whole body. I stopped shaking, my eyes shot wide open and my insides stopped twirling around. I felt energy running through my veins, nearly heard it zapping in the air. And with all that, there was this new feeling. Completely new, different, which couldn't be described. But amazing. Glorious. Beautiful. Incredible. Unbelievable. Exotic. Ecstatic. Perfect.
"Roger! Move it! Now!" I heard a shout coming from behind the door.
"Yes, coming!" I blurted out, turning around and ripping the door open.
"What's wrong with you? Why does it always take so long to you?!" came a scold out of Freddie's lips, his face now right in front of me.
"Chill out, I'm ready now!" I exclaimed, stepping out of the room. "Let's go."
Walking through the aisle, the colors were shining bright. The ceiling seemed to be in an incredible height above us. The walls, on the other hand, were too close to each other. I was hot, I was sweating and the steps I made seemed to be too long. I thought I saw few sparkles in the air in front of me, and everything around was filled with a very strong aroma of coconut.
"This way," Fred corrected me, when I wanted to continue on walking this coconut-scented alleyway, instead of turning around the corner. So I followed him. This aisle was full of water. Slowing down our movement, muting all the sounds and scents around. The only thing I heard were occasional drops of water.
Out of the blue, a small staircase started growing up in front of us, two figures standing next to it.
"Ready?" A familiar voice asked.
"Yes," I heard my own voice.
"Alright. Let's do it then."
And we started walking up the stairs.
There was a sea of lights. Sea of lights which kept on moving, in all directions at once. And all the noise! It was beautiful.
I felt myself sitting down.
With my thoughts I was still at the sea of lights, but then I felt wood being held in between my fingers, being followed by the sounds of drums.
Everyone go follow stanningqueen4life n read her fanfic 'Modern times RocknRoll! She just hit 1k reads (once again congrats wifey) n she deserves way more! Go n read it now, u also do deserve this good fanfic!
Yeah n kids- don't do drugs