A/N:
Against All Odds fan gear is now available for purchase here: http://www.cafepress.com/againstallodds2
I would be thrilled to see some Against All Odds Fan hitting the streets with their new gear! :) If you buy please let me know what you got!
ALSO~ The song in this chapter is Miss You by Ed Sheeran...
Chapter 83
~Cole’s POV~
Her voice swirled through the air in a ghostly whisper, something that haunted my empty heart with it’s gentle velvety tone. She had secured a hold on my previously untouched love, making me feel things that both elated and terrified me, things that I would give anything to feel one last time. It was like a could still hear her anguished sobs, like she was right next to me and I was the apparition hovering just out of reach. In fact those mournful sounds seemed so real, too real to be just a memory, to be a mere figment of my imagination. It had to be real, she had to be here, it had to be true.
I rose shakily to my feet, wobbling slightly as my legs trembled with the after-effect of last nights journey. Brushing the straw and sawdust off of my clothes, I stumbled toward the stall door, still weary with sleep and my mind still clouded with grief. The latch on the door slid open with a deft quietness, the door swinging open with the same eerie silence that seemed to emanate throughout the entire barn. I stepped out into the dusty aisle and re-latched the door before following the sounds that would either be my saving grace or the wrecking ball that crushed me for good.
Pained cries were the only sounds that appeared to break through the wall of silence that shrouded the air like a thick cloud of impending doom. The sounds were agonized and made my blood run cold as I thought of the pain that had induced those morbid sobs. I already knew the answer, and as much as it hurt me to admit it, I was all too aware that I was the source of pain that had caused those tears to be heard all around. Those thoughts had me fighting back tears of my own as I continued to wander down the long row of mostly empty stalls.
As the sobs got louder my legs moved faster and my heart got heavier with a sadness I would never be able to overcome on my own. The faster I moved the more desperate my search became. As my eyes scanned and searched, my ears listened, and my heart hoped that maybe, just maybe my mind was no longer deceiving me.
I could hear the soft thud of a saddle and its pad landing on the back of a horse and the sound of a bit clattering against teeth. At that point my hastened jog became a full out sprint as I chased after the one thing it seemed I would never be able to recapture, the heart of the one person I lived and would, all too willingly, die for. But by the time I reached the open door to the round pen, all that was left were clouds of upturned snow and an open gate swaying with its recent movement. Somehow I had the right mind to keep from chasing after her on foot, letting Kandee fly out into the forest that backed the edge of the long barn. Instead I turned to the multiple saddles that rest upon their steel racks, lifting a familiar set of tack for the last steel frame in the row, looping the bridle and reins over the horn of the saddle. An air of determination surrounded me as I made my way toward Check Mate’s stall.
~Kandee’s POV~
My tears had become icy streams that stung the raw skin of my flaming cheeks, the once mild sting of the cold air gradually becoming an acidic burn. I shifted my body in the saddle and let the reins gain a little extra slack before giving my final set of cues, a squeeze of the leg, a click of the tongue, and we were flying. I could feel Cassie’s legs transition smoothly into a three beat canter, and then into a graceful four beat gallop. The snow erupted and clouded below her large hooves, powdering the air with upturned snowflakes.
The clouds of snow that stalked us were like smoke rolling lazily off a dying flame, gentle and tired. Icy winds seemed to push the smoke like clouds, covering our tracks and making them disappear in a matter of mere seconds. We left no trail to be followed, no way for anyone to ever try and find us. Not that I really wanted to be found.
I could feel Cassie’s sides begin to heave with every breath, prompting me to ease her back down through her fluid gaits, finally settling into her elongated walk. Her black and heavily feathered legs were covered in clumps of snow that reach halfway to her knee. Eventually we were far enough from any memories of him, of us, everything, that I could finally breathe again. I brought Cassie to a halt and dismounted, walking with her to a place that only I knew existed, a place I had worked so hard to keep a secret.
I led Cassie toward the small structure, a barn with only one stall, a tiny feed and tack room, and a miniscule living space. It had taken me nearly a year to construct this tiny place, and now was the first time that I really saw it having any purpose. It had at first become a hide out when I needed a place to relax, but now it seemed to be so much more, like it was the only place I could go to hide from it all. The only place I could truly deny what was happening, where I could pretend that things were okay. But regardless of how real my fantasy seemed, I was well aware that at some point it too would come to an end.
Cassie trailed behind me, leaving a space of several feet between us, as she followed loyally behind me. I got her into the small barn and got her situated in the single stall, untacking her and making sure to free her of all the snow that had collected on her sleek body. After drying her off, I wrapped her legs in thick trailering wraps and tossed her blanket on, stopping to make sure it was secured properly. Next, I hustled into the miniature feed room, quickly scooping some grain into a bucket and filling another with water from one of the many jugs. I hung the buckets in Cassie’s stall and then lugged half a bale of hay into it as well.
Finally having Cassie relatively settled in, I gather some wood from the pile near the entrance of the small structure, depositing it in the fire pit which had been dug out of the dirt floor. I opened the vents on the far wall before lighting my fire, hoping that they would help to ventilate the structure without letting out too much of the heat that the small flames helped to provide. I pulled down some extra blankets from one of the shelves in the tack room and spread them out on the floor, grabbing my guitar soon after and huddling under a fleece throw.
My fingers rested against the strings as I tried to find some way for any kind of lyrics to explain things and take away the pain. It was the first time in my life that I honestly didn’t know what to say or feel, the first time that I had come up dry. But my fingers started to strum and the notes began to flow, and soon enough I was able to let it all go.
Shock horror,
I'm down,
Lost your not around,
There's a lump in my chest that,
Sends cold through my head and,
My mind shuts sound out,
I'm on auto-pilot,
And my tongue's gone silent,
Tears began to roll down my raw cheeks, burning and biting with every inch of their painful descent. My heart was aching with something that seem familiar but strangely new at the same time. I felt like I knew this was the sign of something terrible, but for some reason I could seem to remember why it was so dangerous.
Just switch it off and lay it down,
Lay it down,
Next to me,
The burning in my chest was increasing with each note that fell from my lips. It was like my lungs were on fire. But almost as quickly as the burn had intensified, it was numbed and I could no longer feel it.
I don't know when I lost my mind,
Maybe when I made you mine,
I don't know when I lost my mind,
Maybe it was every time,
You said, You said, You said,
That I miss you,
And I miss you,
My fire was barely a flicker at this point, having burned itself out rather quickly, almost as though the flame had never fully taken to the wood. I watched it with rapt attention as my fingers began to slow, my voice following their decrease in speed.
These words mean nothing to me,
I'm just sitting on a fence of
How it used to be,
These three words,
Are aching,
Constrict them, Suffocating
My mind is racing with the picture I'm painting,
And my belly's sick to it's stomach,
When I remember all the times you were with him ,
The last flame was just about to go out, that thought alone brought around a fresh wave of tears. The flame had been a symbol, a beacon, that maybe there was still hope. It being extinguished was like stamping out my last embers of desperation and half-hearted hope.
Layed it down,
You lay down,
Next to me,
My chest was beginning to feel heavier and heavier, every breath becoming a struggle. The tears were choking me, yet somehow my voice was staying strong. I was fighting every urge that beckoned me to get up and run, run back into his arms and beg and plead. My heart cried out that it would do anything, everything, to get him back. But I remained anchored, not moving from my spot the hard ground.
I don't know when I lost my mind,
Maybe when I made you mine,
I don't know when I lost my mind,
Maybe it was every time,
You said, You said, You said,
That I miss you,
It was far more than just missing him, it was how every nerve in my body screamed with need, a need to be held and loved, a need to know it would all work out. The numbness was wearing off and the sharp burn was once again eliciting a painful flame within my tattered heart. All I could think about was how much it hurt and how little he cared.
More than I let on,
And I kissed you,
For far too long,
I'll let go,
As soon as you do,
But I know,
That we're not through
He couldn’t have meant it, it couldn’t be real. For all I knew it could have been a giant misunderstanding. But I hadn’t misunderstood, I had heard him loud and clear. We were over, and with that realization, I could feel the end begin. My heart burned itself out, all that was left was the ashes and coals, still burning but holding no hope. It seemed certain that there would be no turning back, I was too far gone. I had reached my limit and now I had faltered and failed.
I don't know when I lost my mind,
Maybe when I made you mine,
I don't know when I lost my mind,
Maybe it was every time,
You said, You said, You said,
That I miss you,
That I miss you,
I don't know when I lost my mind,
Maybe when I made you mine,
I don't know when I lost my mind,
Maybe it was every time,
You said, You said, You said,
That I miss you.
The last of the lyrics fell from my lips, shaking with my unshed tears, and rang out with a sense of finality. It hurt and it burned and it was killing me, I was certain of that. But I wasn’t going to fight it any longer, I was giving in. So maybe it was true, maybe I couldn’t beat the odds, not when they were all stacked against me. I had fought for so long and now I was willing to succumb to it all and let it crush me. I didn’t care anymore, I had nothing left to hold onto, nothing to instill the fight I had once held so strongly.
I was doomed from the very beginning, I was never meant to survive; never meant to find love. Against all odds I had though, even if it was only a temporary and painful glimpse, I had found love. But I found heartbreak more often and in greater volumes, and I wasn’t going to search anymore. I was done, every ounce of willpower had been drained from my body and I had given up.
I was going to leave, pack up and get out of this pained city. I was going to start over, and I would as soon as I could find to strength to get up. Just as soon as I awoke from the strange daze that was settling over me. I would get out of here as soon as the black spots in my vision disappeared. It was getting harder to form a rational thought as my mind clouded and fogged, all I could think was how tired I was and how hard each breath was becoming. Through the fog I felt my heart scream one last protest and the it was The pain shot through me like a cannon, and then it all went black and everything went numb.
~Cole’s POV~
A thin tendril of smoke was twisting through the air as I raced through the densely packed trees. It was that small trail of smoke that I was chasing with such an avid desperation, hoping that maybe, just maybe it would lead me to where my heart truly belonged; that it would lead me to Kandee. The scream of a terrorized horse split through the icy air, and no more than a second after the scream rang out, Cassie - Kandee’s black filly - came barreling past us, her singed tail whipping out behind her.
My hopeful heart dropped as the piece all clicked into place. Cassie had been burned and riderless, the once thin line of smoke was now blossoming into a choking cloud the filled the air, and Kandee was nowhere to be seen. It couldn’t be real, this had to be some kind of nightmare and any second I would wake up and everything would be alright. But the burn of my lung caused by the thickening cloud of ash and smoke.
Check slid to a halt below me and began backing up quickly, fleeing from the fire that was eating at the forest in front of us. I dropped his reins around the horn of the saddle and dismounted, and no more than me feet hit the ground he was gone, fleeing back to the barn. I fished my phone from my pocket, punching in the three numbers swiftly before hitting send. The phone rang and rang and rang and finally someone answered.
“9-1-1, what is the address of your emergency?”
“I-I’m not sure, uh the wood back behind the Begin Again rescue on Highway 33. There, there’s a fire and my girlfriend, I think she’s trapped.” I sobbed as I staggered through the burning forest, toward the origin of the violent flames.
“Sir, I need you to calm down. There are responders enroute to your location, but I need you to stay on the phone with me, ok?’
“Ok, just please hurry, she all I’ve got. I can’t lose her, not like this. Not ever, please hurry, please.” I begged tear slipping down my reddening cheeks, I sniffled and coughed as the thick smog continued to fill my lungs.
“Sir, Are you still in the fire?”
“No but I will be, I need to find her, I can’t let her die because I’m a coward. I will find her and I will save her.” My voice was growing raspy as it began to burn with a delicious flame of its own. I could vaguely make out the sound of sirens in the distance as I pushed onward.
“Sir, you can’t do that, first responders are on their way you need to-” and with that I snapped the phone shut and let it fall into the melting snow.
I could feel my body crying out for clean air, but I denied its requests, divulging further into the flames. I had to find her, I had to make it all okay again. It wasn’t a choice or a want, rather something that my heart required for me to continue with life. If-if she was dead, I would still try and find a way to make it okay, I’d do anything. But if it was too late, none of that would matter, I would never be able to take it back. I’d never be able to say I’m sorry or that I loved her, I would never get to hold her again. And despite my incredulous heart, I already knew it was too late and maybe that was why I was pursuing that flames. If I couldn’t save her, then I would just have to join her instead.
Through the dark cloud and blinding fire, a small building was steadily taking shape in the distance. My legs propelled me forward at a speed that seemed superhuman, maybe it was the adrenaline, maybe it was just an allusion, whatever it was I didn’t really care to find out. All I knew was that I had found where Kandee was, but I was still unsure if I would find Kandee or just her charred lifeless body.