Hayden's POV
One month later
I abruptly woke up in the middle of a deep sleep feeling like my chest was on fire. My eyes wandered to the clock as I tried to take in a deep breath, seeing that it was past 2am. I gasped for air as the pain increased and it was clear to me that I couldn't breathe.
I thankfully remembered Jordan and Deb were sleeping in the living room, staying the night because we lost track of time. I pushed the junk off my nightstand, including my lamp, my clock, my phone and photographs. The loud crash filled the room and I only hoped that it woke one of them up.
I gripped my sweatshirt in my hand over my chest, wanting to scream from the pain but I couldn't taken in any air. Jordan then swung the door open running into the room with Deb on his tail.
They were both trying to talk to me but I couldn't comprehend anything they were saying as tears slipped down my cheeks. Their mouths were moving a mile a minute but I couldn't understand anything. Jordan brought over the oxygen tank the hospital sent home with me, covering the mask over my face as Deb was on the phone.
Jordan then put the tank over his shoulders and lifted me up in his arms. He quickly made his way out of the apartment and onto the main floor of the building. I watched his mouth move like he was trying to talk to me but I had no idea what he was saying. My eyes started to feel heavy as the warm summer air hit my skin, letting me know we were outside.
"Hey! You gotta stay with me Hayden." I actually heard Jordan say, making me look up at him. He rushed down the street and I had no idea where he was headed or what was even going on around me anymore. Before I knew it everything went dark.
**
Shawn's POV
It helped.
Getting closure with Hayden, no matter how much it hurt, it helped lessen the heartbreak I was feeling. We didn't leave on bad terms anymore, we had a proper goodbye.
Even though I believe that I'll always have feelings for her, something about that night helped lessen the pain that I believed was permanent. I was still heartbroken and my anxiety has been terrible but seeing her one last time mended something for me.
"So two Friday's from now is the official date!" Teddy said as she walked into the room dancing. Brian's and Geoff cheered and clapped which echoed throughout the studio.
I chuckled, "What are you guys talking about?" Oblivious to what was going on.
"The release of In My Blood!" Geoff said, patting my back next to me as he took a sip of his beer in front of him.
"I-I didn't realize it was that soon." I responded seeing everyone crack open new beers to celebrate. "I mean the album isn't completely recorded."
"Shawn, everything's written perfectly. The setlist is great. You're ready for this, this is going to be your best album yet. Everything is perfect." My stomach turned not realizing how fast everything was happening.
After I last saw Hayden, it was like I couldn't stop writing down lyrics. The words kept flowing out of me after facing my emotions with her that I finished the album. I took Teddy's advice and wrote about my truth, no matter how terrified I was to share them.
"T-there's one more song I want to add at the end of the album." I said making everyone freeze especially Teddy.
"What do you mean? Why didn't you say this sooner?" She asked putting her beer down on the table.
"I didn't know I wanted to add it, but now I think I do." I said running my thumb over the top of the glass bottle in my hand.
"Just one?" Teddy questioned and I nodded. "Alright, I can schedule another recording but I don't think we'll have time to add anything else."
"It's just one, I swear." I said, taking a sip of my beer.
"Well we gotta celebrate!" Brian said, standing up from his seat. "All of this hard work the past month I think it's time we finally go out and enjoy ourselves, what do you guys say?" Brian said holding his beer up in the air.
I knew what he meant. He wanted to go bar hopping with the guys like he's talked about for weeks. I knew he wanted to try and set me up with someone so I could start dating again. I didn't feel ready for that but maybe it was time for me to try to put myself out there, and stop waiting around for Hayden to change her mind.
"I think that's a good idea." I responded, standing up from my spot to start gathering my things.
"So what's this last minute song called anyway?" Geoff asked as everyone seemed to be in a great mood while we packed up for the day.
"It's called 'When You're Ready'" I answered, knowing the album wouldn't feel finished to me if that wasn't apart of it.
**
Hayden's POV
"Your lungs filled with water, that's why you weren't able to breathe. We were able to drain it out, you got here just in time thanks to this man." My doctor said as he pointed towards Jordan. Jordan softly smiled at him but his expression immediately fell as he seemed more concerned.
I glanced around the room and everyone was here, my parents, Tess, Deb and Jordan. But I couldn't remember what happened or how I got here.
"I-I don't understand." I said as my eyes were still focusing on the bright white lights in the room. Another thing I hated about hospitals.
"Honey, don't you remember Jordan bringing you here?" My mom said from beside me as she rubbed her hand on my forearm. I shook my head as I glanced back to Jordan sitting by the window with his arm around Deb.
"He carried you all the way here." She said, brushing my hair out of my face. I looked back at Jordan who gave me a tight smile, seeming like he wasn't feeling as much of a hero as they were making him out to be.
"I didn't know you could be that strong," I joked breaking the tension in the room and actually making him laugh. I smiled feeling better about not seeing everyone's serious expressions as they crowded around the small room.
"Hayden," The doctor said as he sat down on the edge of my bed to talk to me and I knew it wasn't going to be good. "The treatment isn't working. I want to start you on a new medication tomorrow and sign you up for some clinical trials. They're hard to get into but there's some that I think could help you more than what we have to provide for you."
I turned my head, looking out the window sighing, not feeling anything from what he was telling me. At this point I felt numb to everything, it seemed like the usual routine where nothing seems to be helping and everything just seems to get worse.
"Do you understand what I'm saying Hayden?" He asked, always making sure I didn't have any questions and I knew how I was going to be treated.
"Yes, I understand." I nodded, reaching over taking a sip of water from the tray in front of me to ease how dry my throat felt.
"I'm going to let you get some rest and we can discuss the treatment later. But for now you need to get some sleep, your body has been through a lot in the last 24 hours." He said before saying goodbye to everyone in the room.
"I'm going to get you something to eat." My dad said, pulling my mom to go with him. I rested more into the pillow looking over at Deb, Jordan and Tess who started making their way closer to me. Tess sat on the end on my bed as Deb and Jordan sat on either side of me.
"How you feeling?" Tess asked, playing with the edge of my blanket between her fingers.
"Tired," I responded. I looked over to Jordan holding my fist out to him.
"Thank you..." I said as he fist bumped me back. He softly smiled and nodded at me, understanding I was appreciative of him. "I don't know what I would've done if you guys didn't stay the night. This might've been a whole different day."
Everyone was silent when I said that, making me realize how worried they really were. Normally my friends weren't serious people. They always try to lighten the mood no matter what kind of conversational we're having but I've never seen them this way.
"Guys I'm really okay." I said looking at all of their expressions that showed they didn't fully believe me.
"You really scared us," Deb said for all of them, resting her head beside me. I ran my hand through her hair not realizing how concerned everyone has been feeling. I've been so focused on how Shawn would feel that I didn't realize how the people around me were feeling.
"I'm sorry," I said squeezing onto Jordan's hand as I continued to run my hand through Deb's hair as she kept her head on my lap. "I promise I feel okay."
"You really don't remember anything?" Tess asked and I shook my head honestly.
"I mean I remember not being able to breathe. I remember you guys walking into the room but I couldn't understand anything that you were saying. But after that... it's a blur." I said, biting the inside of my cheek as I tried to think about what happened.
"I'm just glad that we played that extra round of cards last night or Jordan and I would've went home." Deb said as she seemed more relaxed from me petting her hair. "Everything happens for a reason right?"
As their words started to sink in I realized why they were so concerned. The thought of being alone in my apartment as that happened would've been even more terrifying. Somebody could've found me unconscious in my bed and by then that might've been the end for me.
The thought made me bite my bottom lip as my eyes started to water. I leaned my head back, looking up at the ceiling as I took a deep breath. My mind immediately thought about Shawn and how I wished he was here.
And I hated myself for it.
**
Shawn's POV
Until tonight I didn't realize how long it's been since I've gotten to spend time with all of my friends. We were currently following along with Brian's bar hopping idea with Ian, Matt, Geoff and Teddy. All of us making sure we get at least one drink at each bar to celebrate the start of this new chapter.
I was having an amazing night with my friends who I haven't seen much since the tour ended. For the first time in a while I was actually enjoying myself. My mind was on nothing except the story Matt was currently telling us.
"What was I supposed to do? My pants ripped in her bathroom and she only had her pink sweatpants in there!" He said trying to defend himself. I was laughing so hard, I had to lean against Geoff. I thought I was going to fall over from how much I couldn't catch my breath, but I was also completely wasted.
"So you thought the best idea was to put on her clothes? What did she say when you walked out of the bathroom?" Geoff said, taking a sip of his beer.
"She sorta... kicked me out." Matt said making our circle continue to laugh. I wiped the tears from the corner of my eyes, from laughing so hard, before taking another sip of my beer.
"Hey Shawn," Brian said patting my arm to get me to turn around but he wasn't alone.
"I wanted to introduce you to Mandy." He yelled over the music into my ear and I immediately knew what he was trying to do.
Mandy was pretty. She was only a few inches shorter then me, her blonde hair was cut to her shoulders and she had beautiful green eyes. My eyes scanned over her outfit seeing she was dressed in dark blue jeans, and had on an olive green lace top.
She stuck her hand out to me, "It's nice to meet the talk of the party. Everyone can't stop talking about the fact that you're here."
"They can't?" I questioned, as I shook her hand looking around the room. Not realizing people in the bar recognized me.
She lightly chuckled, "I mean I think everyone knows who you are. I've seen you around actually, you hang out at the coffee house in midtown sometimes right?"
"Yeah, how did you know that?" I smiled looking between her and an overly excited Brian, who looked very entertained by what he was doing.
She blushed, "I actually work there, I've served you a few times." She said tucking a strand of her blonde hair behind her ear and taking a sip out of her glass.
"I'm sorry I didn't recognize you. Normally when I go there it's after the gym and I'm in my own world." I said, feeling awkward that I didn't recognize her but she shook her head to save me from embarrassment.
"Its okay, I wouldn't expect you to know that," She said running out of things to say as she took another sip from her cup. I glanced at the drink in her hand, noticing her vodka soda was almost empty.
I looked at Brian who basically gave me a look that it was now or never to try and put myself out there. I bit down on my bottom lip, trying not to over think anything and give it a chance to put myself back on the market, even if I made a fool out of myself.
"Can I buy you a new drink?" I asked, slightly shouting over the music. She bashfully smiled, nodding in agreement.
"Yeah that would be great," She responded as I lead the way to the bar with her following behind me. Not missing the wink Brian sent my way before he joined our friends again.
I pulled the empty bar stool out for her to sit which she gladly took as I stood next to her, waiting for her drink to be made. We got to talking and I found out she was going to school here in Toronto for Psychology. The conversation led into discussing our childhoods, what town we grew up in and why we both moved into the city. As we talked I realized how easy it was with her. Nothing felt as forced as I imagined it would be. She actually seemed pretty great.
I then invited her on Brian's bar hopping plan for the night which she found amusing because she apparently has never done that before. Mandy seemed to really click with my friends and talked with them throughout the night. It was more like we were all just hanging out together having a good time, like she's been friends with us from the beginning of the night.
Within a hour we were all plastered, especially me. But I was having one of the best nights that I've had in a long time. We were all currently at a rooftop bar and I wandered off from our group to get a better view of the skyline of Toronto. It was away from the sweaty crowd and the loud music, where I could actually hear myself think.
"What are you doing out here?" I heard from behind me. I turned around seeing Mandy walk over with her arms crossed and a smile spread across her face.
"Don't you fucking love the city?" I slurred looking out to the view again. "It's gorgeous," I said before I let out a loud yell feeling the best that I've been feeling in a long time.
Mandy chuckled beside me, "It is, I knew ever since I was a kid that I didn't want to leave the city. I knew this was my favorite place in the whole world, it was always home." She said, which took me off guard cause that's how I always felt about Toronto when many of my friends couldn't stand it.
I watched her as she stared at the water with a smile across her face. I couldn't help but notice the cute dimples in her cheeks, and how even though she was blonde she still had natural red highlights throughout her hair.
She must've felt me staring at her because she quickly turned her head to meet my gaze. I quickly turned my head to the water but then chuckled knowing she already knew I was watching her closely.
"What are you staring at?" She asked with a smirk lingering in her voice.
"Has anyone told you how gorgeous you are?" I asked with a smile, waiting for her response as I leaned further into the railing and turned my body towards her. Mandy's smile slowly faded as she reached up, placing her hand on my cheek and slowly bringing my face down to hers.
It felt good with her as our lips moved against one another. I could taste her cherry chapstick on my tongue which made me deepen the kiss. My arms wrapped around her waist, while her hands roamed over my cheeks.
Things started escalating quickly when she started to grinned her hips into mine, but I didn't stop her either. Mandy was great. She was beautiful, smart and funny. It actually felt good to be with her, like this could lead to something great between us.
The kiss was now more hungry and intimate than a simple first kiss. Mandy quickly pulled away, resting her nose against mine as she caught her breath. My hands softly squeezed her hips as I watched both of our chests rise and fall between each other.
"My hotel room is just a few blocks away," She whispered, brushing her thumb along the bottom of my plump lip as she took off the remains of her cherry chapstick. "Only if you want to."
I nodded, slowly releasing her waist from my grasp so she could start leading the way. "I want to." I said, completely in a trance over the feeling of her. She smiled, intertwining our hands as she led us out of the bar.
**
Hayden's POV
My finger hesitated over Shawn's contact as I thought about calling him. It was wrong, it was all selfish. But after last night I couldn't stop thinking about the last time I saw him.
When I closed my eyes it was like he was crying in my arms all over again. I couldn't help but think of that being the last time I would see him... the last time he would've seen me if last night went differently.
Everything made me feel so confused. When we were together I didn't want him to know about me because he would drop everything in a heartbeat. But now that he problaby hates my guts, he was the only person I wanted to hold me right now. The only person that would know how to comfort me after last night.
I wiped under my eyes, staring at his contact picture, going back and forth not knowing what to do. I didn't want to mess with his head but I felt absolutely terrified thinking about what would've happened if I didn't get to the hospital when I did. The thought of lying in my bed alone, not able to breathe or call for help made me want to vomit.
I was about to hit the call button, no matter how selfish it was, before Tess walked into the hospital room startling me.
"It took me forever to find the cafeteria but I got you both orange juice and apple juice cause I wasn't sure which one you wanted." She said placing the drinks on my nightstand in the hospital room. I wiped my face one more time and locking my phone before sitting up.
"Thank you," I said as I opened up the apple juice, watching her sit down in the chair beside me.
"Mom went to your apartment to get you a few things for the next few days you're here." She said as she started to empty the bag out.
She placed my drawing book on my bed with my pencil case beside my leg, making me glance up at her. "I know you haven't drawn in a while so we both thought it might help you make the time go faster."
I couldn't help but crack a smile as I ran my hand over the cover. I used to not be able to put this book down, but over the past couple of months I never took it out of my desk. "Thank you..." I mumbled to her.
"I'll stop by later tonight and I'll bring you some dinner that's nothing like this hospital food. Any suggestions?" She asked as she threw her jean jacket over her shoulders. I shook my head with a smile still lingering on my face.
"I'll see you later," She said, leaning forward to kiss the top of my head before she waved bye to me at the door.
Once I was alone again, I opened up my sketchbook to the memories I painted. I flipped through the pages, each one being of Shawn. One was a pencil drawing of him laying on his stomach in bed, capturing all the details in his bare back as he was sound asleep after a long night of performing.
I turned the page to another one that was filled of color, showing the details in both of his hands that held my own. Draw from a reference photo I took from my phone.
The third page I flipped through was a portrait of him when we were away on our trip. As sat in the grass and I asked him to hold still while i quickly sketched the details from his hair down to his bare chest.
I closed my eyes remembering everything about that moment, before I knew I was sick.
"Just give me five minutes please," I begged Shawn, pulling myself out of his grip while he tried to pull me into his lap. He shook his head laughing at me, as I sat pretzel crossed in front of him on the grass.
"Why on earth would you want to draw me?" He chuckled, running his hand through his hair as I started to open my notebook. I glanced between him and the page, wanting to make sure I was sitting at the right angle I wanted to draw him.
"Because..." I said bashfully, tying my hair up so I can start to focus on him. "Because I want to remember this moment."
"Isn't that what photographs are for?" He asked, letting his fingers play in the grass. I shook my head at him, ignoring his comment.
"Yes but with drawings it's different. In order to capture all the details you have to pay enough attention to them to draw it. It's more real to me." I said, shrugging my shoulders to him as I searched my pencil case for my favorite tool.
Before I knew it I was playfully pushed onto my back, as Shawn hovered above me. I couldn't help but laugh as he touched my sides, avoiding me drawing him. I rolled my eyes, relaxing into the warm grass as I met his eyes.
He had in the dorkiest smile on his face before leaning down to place a soft and wet kiss against my lips. Shawn gently reached his hands into my hair before detaching his mouth from mine, continuing smiling.
"You know I love it when you talk all artsy to me." He said making me chuckle from beneath him and rolling my eyes at his procrastination.
"Can I please draw you now?" I asked, my own chuckle leaving my lips as he still hovered above me. He sighed, letting his head fall.
"Alright... only cause I love you." He mumbled, leaning down to place a kiss on my collar bone before taking my hands and helping me sit up in my original spot.
**
Shawn's POV
Once the hotel door was closed, Mandy and I couldn't get enough of each other. The second we entered the bedroom she pushed me down on the mattress so I laid flat on my back. She crawled on top of me, meeting my lips again while she straddled my waist.
Mandy held my shoulders down as a signal for me to stay in my spot while she sat up, pulling her lace top over her head and exposing her navy blue bralette. I reached up, cupping her soft cheeks to bring her face back down to mine, already missing the feeling of our mouths moving against one another. My hands then slid down her arms and to her chest as she began to fumble with the buckle on my jeans.
My perspective of the situation all of a sudden started to change as I began to sober up. Everything was all too sloppy and rushed. When she kissed me I didn't feel intoxicated by her anymore because it all started to feel so wrong, it was so foreign.
Mandy started to trace her long nails down my neck before starting to unbutton my shirt. I watched her as she sat on top of me, slowly grinding against me and running her hands down my bare chest. She slowly leaned down, placing her to lips on my neck while her fingers continued to run through my chest hair.
I closed my eyes as my mind began to wander to the familiar feeling. To a time when this was silly, sexy and yet comfortable. When it was somebody else's lips on my skin. Not something that felt like it needed to be over within five minutes that left a sickening feeling in my stomach like this did.
I started to remember who I really wanted. And right now,this moment meant nothing to me. It wasn't even close to what I wanted, because Mandy wasn't her.
I shut my eyes tightly forcing myself to kiss this girl as passionately as she was kissing me but I couldn't stop imagining it was Hayden and that felt wrong. I unexpectedly placed my hand on Mandy's shoulder slightly pushing her away so her lips could detach from mine.
"I-I can't." I whispered out of breath and opened my eyes to meet her gaze.
She furrowed her eyebrows at me as she continued to straddle my waist, "What do you mean you can't?"
"I just-" I stumbled finding my words as I stared up at her.
She wasn't Hayden.
"I just can't do this anymore, I thought I could but I cant. I'm sorry." I said softly, rubbing my hand over my face embarrassed. I slowly started to sit up, making her move off of me as my anxiety started to kick in.
Everything about this situation started to feel dirty and I comfortable. It wasn't what I wanted... not even close.
"You've got to be kidding me." She said clearly pissed off. Mandy climbed off of the bed, scrambling to find her shoes and blouse on the floor.
I stared at the ceiling as Hayden's face wouldn't leave my mind. Her gorgeous brunette hair, her warm brown eyes and her soft plump lips. "I'm so sorry, I just got out of a serious-" I began to say but Mandy cut me off.
"You need to go." She said, forcing me to sit up once she threw my shoes and shirt on my stomach. I watched her gather her stuff as I sat on the edge of the bed buttoning my shirt back on.
"I'm really sorry," I repeated as she was basically shoving me out the door. I quickly scrambled to put my shoes halfway on before she pushed me closer to the door.
"All you were was a bet. All I wanted was to feel good for one night and my friends betted that I couldn't even get someone like you to give me the time of day, and now you humiliate me?" She said, running her hairs through her hair frustrated. I furrowed my eyes at her as I started realizing she was never interested in me. She was interested in the me that was in the public's eye.
"I mean come on, no one wants to live in Toronto their entire lives. Someone like you could afford to go live in Paris and you want to stay here? Goodbye Shawn." She said sounding disgusted, basically shoving me out the door and slamming it behind me.
I was stunned at how quickly the night changed. This entire time I was just a bet to her for her friends, none of that was real.
I quickly finished putting on my shoes and buttoning up my shirt as I made my way to the elevator, wanting to get as far away as possible. As I was heading down to the lobby, I couldn't stop picturing Hayden's face.
I closed my eyes as I felt like I was back to square one of trying to move on from her. It was like the memory of her was always going to constantly be with me, no matter how hard I tried to forget. My anger caught up with me as everything about reality filled my mind again. I felt like screaming at the top of my lungs, but instead I roughly punched my hand against the solid wall immediately regretting it.
I thought I was moving on.