To walk beside Gus...
Correction, to walk beside a person you once knew, is a fairy-tale. I mean, what are the chances of this happening to you? And yes, it depends on multiple factors but tell me, could something like this happen in the first place? Or is my mind playing a sick trick on me.
I pinched my elbow for confirmation. Only for him to unexpectedly grab my hand, "Come on, run."
Within crossing the street, I took quick glances at his face as it shift from left to right, watching for oncoming cars. But the more I did (especially after he released my hand) the more intimidating he looked.
His expression was stern and he kept his chin high.
"... So I decided to quit that job."
That was Damien, now an earshot away, talking to Amanda. Who then replied in the same, high pitch voice from earlier. It was strange, but rather it gave the understanding that she liked him a whole lot.
The two continued talking as Gus and I walked quietly behind them. Not that it was affecting me, I just assume it was only natural being that we didn't know each other like we used to.
Not to mention there was a voice developing at the back of my brain. It was reminding me of the consequences of leaving home (without permission) and the number of things that could go wrong, especially after we cross the channel.
"Give me your hand again."
His palm facing downward, we approached another road cross that lead to a parking lot. Meeting at a glance, I did as I was told but for the second time his grasp held on longer. I'm assuming it was because we were walking through parked cars that could reverse at any moment.
Again, approaching a sidewalk he released my hand and there, in front of us, stood the train station. Immediately, I realized that money was needed, whereas Amanda held Damien's hand without the slightest worry.
I could feel my panic begin, "Gus?"
His head shot down in my direction, welcoming me to continue. "How are we going to pay?"
"We have a way in, don't worry about it," he replied as we walked in and before my mind could register what was about to happen, he took my hand and directed our walk to the far right of the terminal, away from the number of people scanning their way in.
First, it was Damien and Amanda going under the bars of entry, then us. Our hands quickly combined again as he forced us to run inside the open doors to the far back of the train. The seats were divided into two so it was Gus and I, and right across the aisle sat Damien and Amanda.
So sudden— how sudden—immensely sudden it felt when I looked at Gus, placing his skateboard beneath his feet. Also, my heart was pounding. It was such a feeling that widen my eyes and made the hand of mine grab at his, placing his fingertips on my neck, "Here, feel my heart."
However, just as the seconds passed, my panting while facing in his direction made me realize that I might've crossed the line— physically speaking, that is. Gradually, I removed his hand and turned my head to face the seat in front of me.
Three words, one statement:
I'm so stupid.
--
Silence, that's what we sat in and not once did I look at him. The fear of sharing an expression scared me, it felt like I did wrong and he was agreeing, being that he hadn't said a word. The only outlet I had was the sound of Amanda talking to Damien, her head on his shoulder and their hands intertwined.
You could say it was an envious sight to see... Not that I wanted to be doing that, I just— I'm sure you understand if you are, in a way, like me.
But God I hope you aren't.
Acknowledging the rattling of the train didn't help either, instead it ignited all the reasons to leave (which I couldn't do, obviously.) Internally, I was on the verge of crying, as in I felt so humiliated by what I done that I just wanted to disappear. If only he could just give a sign that he wasn't uncomfortable, all this spinning in my head would—
And that's when he placed his head against my shoulder. All so casually and I was so caught off guard that I flinched, grabbing onto the arm rest with all the strength I had as my stomach also flipped.
Very quickly, the tension in my spine and all the other muscles released into a subtle stroke of movement. His act even caught the attention of Amanda, who looked over, mouthing the words 'oh my god'.
Hesitantly, I looked away with a blunt expression. In the minutes that followed, my eyes fixated on the seat in front of me once more, as I tugged on my sleeves to channel all the nerves that were building up.
The last thing I wanted was to make a sudden movement because if I did, he'd fall under the impression that I wasn't comfortable. I mean, I am getting to that point (physically speaking) but I felt if I were to move, he'd take it the wrong way. But rather in fact, his head on my shoulder was reassuring... I'm guessing he also remembered the whole 'heartbeat' thing was from the time we were kids.
Occasionally though, I glanced out the window, especially when we passed patches of water.
It was at each stop, he shifted in his seat but still his head remained where it laid. Oddly enough, I was curious and took a glimpse downward, seeing that his eyes were closed.
"Next stop, Station Plaza," said a robotic voice over the intercom, and initially it woke Gus up. Taking his head off my shoulder, he sat up and grabbed for his board, he sighed and commented on how he felt, "I'm tired as hell."
There was a discomfort I felt after hearing his word choice but there was hardly anything I could do but show it through my expression.
Slowly, the train came to a stop, allowing us to get out of our seats. Quickly, I grabbed onto Amanda's arm and yanked her to the side, "What time do you think we'll be back home?"
All smiles, she was clearly not afraid of anything. "I don't know, just try not to worry so much."
I couldn't tame my eye roll, "If something happens, or if we somehow separate, or if one of us lose our phones, meet me back here."
"Relax! Don't assume the worst, it's not healthy! Now come on, the boys got off."
Taking my hand, she led us out the train and there she went, leaving me with Gus as she wrapped her arms around Damien's waist. Trailing behind them, the silence was now getting awkward and finally my mind felt clear enough to apologize,
"I'm sorry about grabbing at your hand like that earlier."
From the outer corner of my eye, I could see him take a look over, "No, it's okay, I was just caught of guard, that's all."
Once more, our lips resealed and nothing more was said.
Outside the train, the sunnier side of Long Island absorbed into our skin and we continued walking until we arrived at a cross walk. It was at this point, I knew when Gus needed to hold my hand and release it, allowing the pattern to continue on the way there.
(I, for one, didn't think anything of it.)
"Fuck, it's hot!" Amanda exclaimed, stripping apart from Damien. It was then that Gus snickered, making my head turn. Together, we formed an expression that spoke without words, pointing out that Amanda, finally, had enough of Damien's body heat.
"Shut up, we're almost there," Damien replied, grabbing her hand. But also, she wasn't wrong, we nearly walked a mile.
"Ay, Adian!" Damien hollered when we reached a shady opening provided by the building.
"I'll be right back," Gus said as he dropped his skateboard onto the concrete and skated over to the guy named Adian. Damien did the same, which brought Amanda back to my side.
"Did you bring any money?" she whispered although she didn't need to.
"Yeah, but it's only for emergencies."
"How much do you have?"
"Uh," I took a pause, "It's my dad's credit card."
The smile of her's curved it's way in— and immediately I was drenched in regret.
"We should eat at the food court."
Her suggestion said a lot about how she really felt about my economic background.
"Yeah, okay."
You see, I don't even have the voice/courage to say 'no'— and if I did, she'd have a particular view on who I am.
—
We... Amanda decided on Chinese food. We ordered and sat down, separately. Meaning that Gus and I were (in a way) pushed aside, having to sit together at a different table.
Avoiding eye contact with Gus made my eyes spin, as if I was on a carousel looking outward. But all came into focus when he said the following,
"Why were you hanging out with him?"
I moved my eyes to meet his, only to drop them to the table top. Quickly, my mind tried to register what and whom he was talking about, but my expression spoke on the confusion I had.
"That fuck Anthony— at theater" he added, causing my eyes to lift. I was at a lost of words, how was I to reply?
"You could've said you were back."
"I— I know" I stuttered, breaking eye contact once more, "I didn't know how to— I just thought you forgot about me."
Which is something I never said out loud or even truly thought about until now.
"Well, you were my best friend," he justified, our gaze beaming into the reality that separated us for two years.
"And you were mine," I shot back just as Amanda approached our table, "They called our number."
Looking up, my brain did it's transition along with getting out of my seat to follow her.
"How is it going?" She whispered, looking back toward Gus when we were further away.
With a shrug of my shoulders, I said the least I could, "Good."
"You liar," she exclaimed as we got closer to grabbing our food.
"What do you mean liar?" I ask while surpassing a few people, in a subconscious hope that I don't bump into them.
"It's a joke Amelia— now here."
She passed me a tray of food then turned around to get the next. Waiting for her, I looked back to where Gus sat and truly remembered why I decided to be here in the first place. Fundamentally, even if I didn't know a few minutes ago, I just wanted him in my life again.
Back into separation, I approached the table with our entrees and sat down. Opening one box, I saw that it wasn't mine.
"I think this one is yours."
Passing his over, I simultaneously opened the next. Although we were in silence again, it felt necessary being that we were eating but also after enough time passed I spoke— more like I questioned the obvious.
"So you go to the public school, right?"
He nodded then looked down to his food for another bite, "And you go to Grace."
The reciprocation of his response made my mouth shape into an 'O', however I was suddenly somewhat angry. Even my brows crinkled and I said before thinking, "You should've came to one of my meets."
He laughed, "I didn't know you were on the swim team."
"I didn't say I was on the swim team— I could be on the track team." My response fractured his and all he could do was smile, having me to do the same. When our locked eyes ended, we continued eating in a different and better silence.
Well, that was until two shadows casted over us. Looking up, I saw Anthony and Hailey with their hands linked together.
"Amelia, hey!" The utter in Hailey's voice nearly scared me— she's never that happy to see me.
"Hey, Hailey."
"And Gus!" She shrieked, turning her head in his direction, "I haven't see you since Emma's birthday party, you still with her?"
My eyes lowered for the sake of not making eye contact as he were to answer that question.
"Yeah."
"So I'm guessing you know she's at the other side of the mall."
Could she just stop intergating him!
"Yeah, she texted."
Weird that my eyes decided to engage with Anthony's, who already had his eyes set on me. His severe expression forced me to look away.
"This is Anthony." She added, with a mischievous smile.
"Am I suppose to know him?" He questioned in a tone that spoke against what she was trying to do.
Instead of responding, her head turned back in my direction. "Anthony's sister is still waiting on those piano lessons, do you plan on ever—"
"Hailey," Anthony stopped her, "don't, she'll get around to it."
At a sigh, we saw her relax and re-open her eyes, "Well, I guess we'll be going now— see you at Church tomorrow, Amelia."
I nodded and as Anthony led her away, he took a look back then continued out the food court.
"What did she say!" That burst of excitement belonged to Amanda, as she walked over with Damien. The two sat across from us, bringing on a relaxing atmosphere.
"She just came over to say hi."
Right, she pushed your comfort off the table and left, said a voice at the back of my head as Amanda pulled out her phone.
For a moment she seemed to be texting and when lifting her head, the ringer to my phone (the one my dad gave me) went off. It was certainly her,
what did anthony say
Looking up, I shook my head from left to right, indicating that he said nothing of importance, and just to clarify that I texted back,
like I said they said hi and walked off
Placing the phone back in my pocket, I looked to Damien and Gus talking among themselves.
"The guy is a fucking dweeb," Damien laughed, spiraling the napkin box in circles.
"Who babe?" Amanda asked, placing her chin on his shoulder as her arms wrapped around his waist.
"Anthony Chalamet," he replied, looking directly at me when he said his name. He then continued with a question for me, "Did you go out with him?"
How did he know.
That's when I remembered seeing Damien at the theater, standing beside Gus.
My eyes motioned toward Gus then to Amanda, all were waiting for my response.
"Yeah, but only once."
Damien then looked to Gus, enforcing me to do the same. We met eyes for a second, only to drop them to our food. You could say an awkward silence was chiming in when Amanda decided to get up, "Come on Damien, let's go walk around."
Thank the heavens for her.
—
After dumping our boxes, we refilled our drinks and came to a stop before walking out the food court.
"What do you want to do?" He asked but instead of contemplating where to go, I initiated our walk in a random direction, "Let's just go this way."
In the flow of traffic, we remained in a non verbal state until he spotted a store. "You ever been into Hot Topic?"
No, my mom wouldn't allow it.
Shaking my head, he straight away took my hand and led us in. The music became louder and all the items on display and hanging from the walls became more bold in comparison to the times I shopped with my mom.
"I've been waiting for an ASAP Rocky shirt to come in," Gus commented after releasing my hand to look through a cubby of folded t-shirts.
"What's an ASAP Rocky?" I asked, making his head turn so quickly. Immediately, he smiled and shook his head in disbelief.
The word "embarrassing" should be written across my forehead.
"Looks like they haven't come in yet," he muttered, attempting to look elsewhere. I followed behind him, looking at multiple things along the way. Gradually, we made it out the store and began walking with the crowds of people again.
And yes, I know our silence is a constant occurrence but for what it's worth, I was enjoying the feeling of being beside him again. It was bringing up so many memories that I needed to share it with him,
"Do you remember the times we drove each other around in shopping carts?"
I didn't expect him to snap a correction, "More like I drove you around."
My laughter was a sudden burst but I didn't mind. Gus, as of right now, made me genuinely happy. Which I haven't been for the past two years.
Back and forth, we talked about all the memories that were compiled at the back of our brains. Even to the earliest of times, like the time he drew a rose under our table in the library.
"We should see if it's still there," I suggested, without the slightest thought of actually going there.
"Let's go then."
No word of refusal was said as he took my hand, "Adrian has my board, let's go there first."
No voice, at all.
🐥