July 7, 2019
STAR'S POV
"Oh baby, are you okay?" My grandmother asks and I can't help the shaky sigh that leaves my lips as I try not to make it so obvious that I can't stop crying like a pathetic idiot
I am a pathetic idiot.
"Yeah, yeah I am" I answer, unable to fake sounding a little cheerful
To be honest, I just want to be sad and cry in peace.
"You're not. I can hear you crying Star, are you just going to keep doing that all week?" She asks and I wonder why I even try hiding things from her when she knows them anyways
Besides, I already explained what happened with Logan and I didn't exactly hide how devastated I was when I was explaining some days ago.
I'd literally just cried on the phone for a long time and she'd just stayed with me on the line, occasionally saying comforting words that did little to soothe the deep hurt I felt.
I love her for trying though.
"I'm not crying" I say, my words coming out in breathy gasps as I wipe my face clean
"I know you're feeling terrible right now sweetie but it's going to be okay, you know that right?"
"She's not coming home though" I say, feeling the tears fill my eyes once again and come raining down "I was really stupid and I really hurt her feelings and she's not coming back" At this point, I don't even care that I'm basically sobbing out words
This is how most of our calls end nowadays anyways.
"She's going to come back and you can talk to her then. You both made mistakes but it's not something that can't be fixed sweetie. You're both still young and figuring things out, it's okay to make mistakes along the way and it's okay if you get hurt while making mistakes but it's going to be better as long as you both work to fix it" she says and her words sound so unbelievable at the moment that it just makes me cry harder
Cause it's Logan.
And sometimes, Logan prefers to run away from things.
From people, from pain and heart aches.
I'm scared she'll run away from me too.
"I'm going to stop asking that you stop crying cause I know you're hurting and can't help it but you're not going to get better like this dear. You've been sick for a while and you're not taking care of your health, can you please go to the hospital at least?"
I'd love to do that.
I'd love to forget about everything and completely focus on taking care of my health.
Focus on getting better but I can't seem to achieve that.
Honestly, I can't even get up right now.
My heart hurts so bad, it feels impossible to get myself to be in any position other than laying folded into myself on the bed.
Even though I'm so thirsty, I can't bring myself to get up and go get water and even though every part of me hurts so bad, I can't bring myself to get some food, eat, take some medicine and sleep.
Cause my heart just hurts so bad.
"I'm fine Mrs Kingsley"
"No you're not. You're sick and you're sad but at least take care of your health first? If not, I'll come there myself"
"I'm really fine, okay? I just...I'm tired so...I should sleep or something" I say, hoping she'd let me get off the call
"Okay. Eat something first okay? And take some medicine. I'll worry otherwise" she says and I sigh
Great, making the poor woman worry too.
I really should get myself together.
"Okay Mrs Kingsley. Bye" I say and end the call
I really want to get up and care about my hygiene and health right now but I still find myself burying my body under my duvet and crying myself to sleep.
Cause it's the easiest thing my brain allows my body to do at the moment.
I don't know how long I lay on the bed, slipping in and out of consciousness but suddenly, I'm registering the sound of a door opening.
Is that my door?
"Star?" I hear and that sounds a lot like Logan.
Sounds a lot like Logan.
Logan?
"Are you asleep?" The voice comes again and my eyes open immediately as I pull the duvet away from over my head to see her standing by the door
Fuck, please tell me I'm not hallucinating
Please.
"Hey" she says and I can't bring myself to do anything else other than fly off the bed and rush to hug her, crying unashamedly into her shirt "What's wrong?" She asks, bringing her arms around me
"I missed you, I missed you a lot" I say, hoping my words are heard clearly with all the crying and hoarseness but even if they are, I get nothing in reply
"You're burning up" she finally says and her words just make me cry harder
"Hey, stop crying. Have you been sick all week? We should get you to the hospital" she says and I shake my head no
I'm not going to the stupid hospital when she just got back home.
"I'm really sorry I made you feel terrible, Logan"
"Let's not talk about that right now"
"No, I want to. I'm really sorry and I was stupid and I hate myself so much for what happened. I'm really, really sorry. I just got in my own head and I was scared I would lose you and I freaked out cause of that stupid, dumbass nightmare I had that I didn't want to talk about and I hurt your feelings but I swear I didn't mean to. I didn't even mean to stay out that long and ignore your calls but I'm so stupid and even my sickness is stupid and I don't even know who the fuck sleeps for that long and I'm just so fucking sorry that I made you sad and worried and... God, please don't hate me?"
"I don't hate you"
"Promise?'
"I promise"
"You really don't hate me right? You can't lie okay?" I say, tightening my arms around her
"I don't lie to you" she says and I nod
"Come on, let's get you to bed"
"I'm scared"
"Of what?"
"I don't want you to not like me anymore" I say, tears brimming at my eyes again "I don't want to go back to not being able to talk comfortably with each other, I don't...I just...I'm scared you'll run away from me and you'll hide again. I was really shitty before but I just...I want to be loved by you and I want to love you and I know you'll say something totally false like you don't deserve to be loved but that's like bullshit cause you're like totally awesome and like... just fucking amazing and you'd know that but you can't really date yourself but I've seen what's it's like to be loved by you and I'll say it again, you're fucking amazing at love even though you think you're terrible and I... please say something before I keep ranting?" I say and I can tell from the almost silent laughter that she's most likely holding back tears
"Yeah, I think I'm totally awesome too" she says and I laugh, hitting her side gently
"Yeah I know. Say something else"
"I thought about it while I was gone, I thought about it a lot and even if I don't think I deserve to be loved by you and even if I'm terrible at loving and being loved, I still want to be selfish and be loved by you. I want to be so badly that thinking about you not liking me anymore hurts a lot and I can't stand it." She says and I say nothing
"It was stupid, what happened and we should probably work on talking to each other better and trusting each other and normally, I'd probably take the easier route and run away from all these but I really, really like you and I don't want to make the same mistakes as I did before. I want to see this all the way with you"
"I want to see this all the way with you too" I say
"Come on, get some rest. Let's talk properly later" she says and leads me back to the bed, and I let her cause she's here and it's fine
"I'll take care of you okay?" She says as she lays me down and I nod
"I know"
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Bro, I lost touch with this book.
I honestly don't know what I'm doing anymore.
By the way, is there anyone here whose birthday is in this month?
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