Hayden's POV
Three weeks later
His laugh filled the coffee shop as he squeezed our intertwined hands closer together, resting them on the table top. His smile reached his eyes as he let out a deep chuckle and then turned his attention back to me. Shawn brushed his thumb along the back of my hand again as he stared at me with an adorable grin across his face.
We sat inside of chips, avoiding the cold air on the streets, and just talked the entire night to enjoy the moment we had together before it was gone. Shawn had been preparing for the end of his tour that was in just a couple of months, right after our vacation.
While he's been focusing on his tour, I've been anxiously waiting to hear back from NYU. I should've heard back over two days ago if I was accepted into their program but the mailbox has still been empty. I tried not to think of the application anymore, every time I have I feel heartbroken all over again at thought of thinking I had a chance.
I met Shawn's eyes as I looked up from my drink. He sat across from me at our favorite table by the bookcase, sipping on his frapachino and leaning his elbow onto the open paged book that he hasn't looked at in the last twenty minutes. My finger grazed the mug in front of me filled with hot chocolate.
"It's not funny," I uttered, hiding the smile forming on my lips. Shawn snickered leaning further on the table.
"It's adorable," He said light heartedly as he leaned forward wiping the whipped cream off of my top lip with his thumb. "You got a little something." His voice was still playful as his eyes scanned my face.
He leaned back in his chair taking a sip from his drink and then licked his lips. I turned my nose up at the thought of what's inside his cup.
"I still don't understand how you drink those things," I said to shawn as I stared at his mug that had a mountain of whipped cream on top with chocolate sprinkles.
"How is that considered coffee?" I complained as he shook his head at my words, taking another sip from his drink.
"Have you ever tried it?" Shawn said licking the whipped cream off of his lips. He lifted his drink, offering me to take a sip, but I nudged it back towards him.
"Nope I'm good, I'll stick with their perfect hot chocolate thank you very much." I said running my thumb over the chip of my mug before taking a sip. Shawn had the same smile resting on his face while he took a bite of his muffin.
"Are you guys doing okay over here?" Deb asked as she stood next to our table. Shawn's mouth was full so he gave Deb a thumbs up as I chuckled.
"We're okay, we should problaby get going soon. You guys close in ten minutes right?" I asked Deb. She nodded as she took one of our empty plates off the table.
Shawn and I both stood up, putting on our coats as Deb started to collect our mugs. Shawn put on his jean jacket over his black hoodie, while I put on my black zipper jacket.
"Where should we go now?" I asked Shawn, as he walked over from his side of the table to me.
Shawn stood close in front of me, reaching behind my neck, gently pulling my hair out from under my coat. His mind seemed to wander off somewhere else as he tucked a strand of hair behind my ear. He didn't seem to be in the same playful mood as a moment ago.
"Lets go for a walk..." He said softly, his eyes finally meeting mine and I knew something was wrong. He ran his hand down my sleeve, to my hand in order to intertwine my hand in his.
His expression left an awful feeling in the pit of my stomach. I hesitated but nodded as I watched his movements carefully.
"Wait wait!" Deb yelled making us stop in our path. Shawn held the door open for me as we both turned to look at Deb running over with two of their signature hot chocolates.
"On the house for you love birds." She said passing each one of us a travel cup with a proud smile on her face. I blushed at her comment, taking both of the cups out of her hands and passing one to Shawn.
Shawn thanked her and gave her a quick hug goodbye. His hand soon found mine again as we started walking the empty streets. No one was around since it was 1:00am and all of the bars were closer to 7th avenue. Shawn's silence made my nerves build up even more but I didn't want to push him if something was really bothering him.
"Hayden?" Shawn said after we made it to the fourth block in silence. I could see the stress spread across his face as if he had to build up the courage to speak this whole time.
"I need to show you something..." He said hesitantly as he slowly stopped walking.
I continued to watch his movements as he guided me to sit down on the nearest bench, the cold metal resting against my thighs.
Shawn pulled his phone out, staring at the dark screen for a second before unlocking it. He let out a long, nervous sigh while he pulled his headphones out from his pocket.
"So last week I finished the song I've been telling you about... and last weekend Andrew booked studio time so I could record it... and I wanted you to be one of the first to hear it but before you do..." He said looking up at me, the fear clearly spread through his brown eyes.
His eyes stared into mine before glancing back down at his phone screen, "Its not like the other songs I've written, this new album is going to be more honest than I ever been and this song... well I think its the most real thing I've ever written." Shawn said staring back up at me. I smiled looking between him and his phone knowing he was nervous to show me.
"Just when you hear it... Just know that I'm okay and hear what the song is really about." He said as he reached over brushing my hair behind my ear to put a ear bud in my ear and one in his. He took a deep breath before pushing play on his phone and leaned forward on his knees.
As the intro of the song began, Shawn's leg was bouncing like crazy so I lightly placed my hand on his thigh to ease his nerves. He quickly picked up my hand and intertwined our fingers again as the first verse started playing.
Help me, it's like the walls are caving in
Sometimes I feel like giving up
But I just can't
It isn't in my blood
I glanced up at Shawn as he quickly met my eyes before looking back down at the street while the song continued.
Laying on the bathroom floor, feeling nothing
I'm overwhelmed and insecure, give me something
I could take to ease my mind slowly
Just have a drink and you'll feel better
Just take her home and you'll feel better
Keep telling me that it gets better
Does it ever?
Help me, it's like the walls are caving in
Sometimes I feel like giving up
No medicine is strong enough
Someone help me
I'm crawling in my skin
Sometimes I feel like giving up
But I just can't
It isn't in my blood
As I listened to the chorus and hearing how he shouted 'It isn't in my blood' started to make my eyes water. I knew about his anxiety as he knew about mine. It's what helped me open up to him because I knew he understood, but he never talked about how bad his anxiety can be.
As the song continued I squeezed tightly onto his hand, my heart aching for him but also feeling extremely proud hearing his words. I leaned over resting my head on his shoulder as a few tears rolled down my cheeks.
I need somebody now
I need somebody now
Someone to help me out
I need somebody now
Help me, it's like the walls are caving in
Sometime I feel like giving up,
But I just cant
It isn't in my blood
I listened as the bridge of the song passed and was now coming to an end. As the last notes faded out Shawn finally looked up at me. I smiled at him and brushed away the few tears about to slip from my eyes. I squeezed his hand again seeing his concerned expression but I shook my head.
"That's an amazing song... and I know you said you're okay but I just have to make sure." I said feeling a bunch of emotions at the same time, not wanting to do anything but just hold him.
Shawn reached over, wrapping his arms around me while I did the same to him, "I'm okay Hay, I promise. The songs about not giving up, not letting my anxiety win over me."
I nodded, pulling away to look at him as I wiped under my eyes again, "I know I know, I just have to make sure."
He gave me a small smile cupping my face and brushing him thumb on my cheek, "It's a beautiful song Shawn. It's not something that anyone really talks about through music." I said as he was watching me closely.
"I think a lot of people struggling with their anxiety the same way you go through it are really going to appreciate a song like this. I think some people need to hear music like this that is on such a personal level. That's what music is meant for... a way for people to connect and relate to each other." I stated taking a deep breath of cold air facing him and knowing my make up must be messed up. But I personally never heard a song that discussed those feelings in such a raw way, it felt as if he was talking to me and I think that most people who hear it will think the same thing.
"This is going to be the first song I release for the album." He said still holding my hand. I nodded in agreement, still choked up.
"It should be," He smiled at my comment, leaned forward and kissed my forehead.
**
After Shawn showed me his song, we headed back to my house to relax before his flight. I laid on my bed, facing the ceiling as I opened up my emails for the fiftieth time today and haven't gotten any new mail.
I sighed turning my head to see Shawn sitting in front of my record player and flipping through my vinyl collection. I watched him as the warm white lights around my dresser was the only light emitting the room.
I heard him lightly chuckle to himself before he turned his head to look back at me. "What?" I said curiously.
He lifted up the record in his hands that was his MTV unplugged album and I smiled. "Gotta support my man... that's one of my favorite albums and not because it's yours." His smiled matched mine as he shook his head.
"You sure it has nothing to do with me?" He teased and I could just imagine the smirk across his face while he had his back to me.
"Okay maybe it has to do with you a little bit." I joked as I rolled onto my side to get a better look at what he was doing.
"This one is amazing..." He said, putting the records away, all but one. Shawn started up the record before getting up and laying next to me on the bed. The first notes of "Green Eyes" by Coldplay started to play and I smiled. He hovered above me, leaning down to peck my lips, and then sat up on the edge of the bed.
His eyes continued to wander around the room before he reached out to my night stand and picked up the stack of photos I kept there. I sat up in the same position as him as I leaned my head on his shoulder as he looked through the photographs.
He chuckled again as he stared down at one of Tess and I dressed up for Halloween as kids. He then continued to flip through them and landed on one of himself. One that I took of him while we were backstage at his show. I loved it because I can see the focus in his facial expression while he performed.
He turned to another image of him when I captured him in the middle of laughing at something Geoff was saying. Then the last photo was of him sitting across from me at chips, looking down towards his open book and holding my hand on the table top like he did tonight.
I hooked my arm under his and leaned into him more, grateful that he was here with me. Shawn turned his head to me with an odd look on his face. I shrugged my shoulders to him as I felt the heat rush up to my cheeks, "You're very photogenic, I can't help it."
"These aren't even of us... they're of me," He said looking through them again.
"I think that's the point.." I said reaching out and taking the photograph from the coffee shop in my hands. "When you're not here, I can look at them when I miss you." I said leaning over and lightly placing my lips against his. He gave me a soft smile and wrapped his arm around my back. He rolled us over so I was laying underneath him and his body weight was on top of me.
I laughed against his lips as, feeling his smile on mine as he wrapped his arms tightly around me. "You're such a dork," I mumbled against his lips. I pulled my face away from him and placed my hand on his cheek and then ran my fingers in the curls resting on his forehead.
The same nerves crept up to my chest that I've had the whole week so I let out a deep breath. Shawn must've took notice in my change of mood because he slumped down, resting his body on top of mine and ran his own hand in my hair.
"What is it?" He asked, his smile fading.
I shook my head as I continued to run my hand through his hair. "Nothing, I'm okay." I whispered to him. We were both quiet for a few seconds, his eyes still trying to read my face.
"You're going to get into the program..." He said softly back to me, placing both of his hands on my cheeks. I looked back up at him, not expecting him to know what was wrong. His golden eyes roamed mine, making my breath quicken as my throat tightened. Shawn became more concerned and stroked my hair.
"What if I don't," I whispered back barley able to get the words out. I desperately stared up at him, scared of his response as my vision stated to become blurry.
"Then you don't take no for an answer. You reply and reply until they understand that you're willing to fight for this. If you don't get in now, you'll get in the next time or the time after that. If you want it don't give up on it." He didn't hesitate once, he stood his ground seeming so confident about his answer that I couldn't help but smile up at him.
"God I love you..." I mumbled wrapping my arms around his neck and pulling him closer to me. His warm lips pecked my cold neck before burring his head in the crook of my neck.
"I love you too..." He mumbled against my skin. I smiled reaching up to hold his hand and bring it to my lips, kissing his swallow tattoo. I looked down at him and the grin on his face as he started to move around getting more comfortable.
He continued to lay on top of me and rested his head on my chest as I scraped my fingers across his scalp. I could feel the stress radiating off of him as he was letting his own thoughts consume him. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes getting tired.
Even when our night began Shawn seemed off, almost like he was drained out. Shawn's breaths got heavier letting me know he fell asleep. I turned my head glancing at the clock and seeing that he still had a hour before he had to leave for the airport. So I let him relax with his head my on chest, my fingers through his hair and his arms wrapped around me just for a little bit longer.
I could stay like this all day if we could. The one thought constantly running through my mind was the break he is going to have in a few months and then I'll get to spend more than 6 hours with him.
**
After 40 minutes passed, I had to wake Shawn up so he didn't miss his flight. He slowly woke up, rubbing his eyes as he sat up in the edge of the bed. I heard his feet crinkle something that got both of our attention.
"What's this?" Shawn asked the tiredness lingering in his voice. He reached down picking up the papers from under his feet. I hesitated as he picked it up and read the words I highlighted.
"I've been looking at apartments... I haven't told anyone yet cause I don't know how my parents are going to take it." I spoke before he could say anything. I sat up next to him, pretzel crossing my legs.
Shawn looked through the papers and then leaned back against the headboard reading the addresses. "All of these places in Greenwich Village..." He said lowly.
"Near-" He started to say as he looked at me but I finished the sentence for him.
"NYU..." We stared at each other for a moment before he gave me a soft smile and looked back down at the addresses.
"Have you went to any yet?" He asked softly, glancing up at me, but I shook my head.
"Deb was going to go with me on Tuesday to the one on 13th street," I spoke.
A smile started to form on his face as he looked down at the papers in his hands. "What?" I questioned furrowing my eyebrows.
He shrugged as he looked up at me, "I'm just happy for you..." My heart clenched at his words making me smile.
"Why?" I asked.
"Because you're actually going out there and fighting for what you want." He shrugged again with a smile. "I'm just happy that you're complaining what you wanted to do this year."
"I was thinking that once I find my own place and your tour is over... maybe you can stay for a few weeks. If you want to?" His smile grew bigger as he placed the papers down on the bed next to him. He playfully lunged forward, making me laugh as my back hit against the bed and he hovered above me.
"If I want to?!" He said, his playful tone still lingering in his voice as he held my hands down beside my head. He leaned down leaving hundreds of kisses on my face making me hysterically laugh as he continued to hold my arms down so I couldn't stop him.
"Of course I want to!" He said looking down at me with a smile. He slowly let go of my hands and cupped my cheek. "I honestly wish that could happen tomorrow." He said softly as his smile faded.
"Times going to fly by," I whispered as I brushed my thumb along his bottom lip.
**
I wrapped my black cardigan around me, always hating this part of the night. The cold air blew through the open doorway. Shawn and I both glanced towards that cab that was going to take him to the airport.
Every time felt the same ache in my chest when he says goodbye. Shawn slowly turned to me as I avoided his eye contact and I didn't waste a second wrapping my arms around his neck, staring at the cab over his shoulder.
He held me tightly and I knew he was thinking the same thing. Our time together keeps getting shorter and shorter. He kissed below my ear before whispering, "I'm sorry."
I slowly pulled away from him, wiping the corner of my eye with my sleeve. "What do I say every time? Don't apologize to me... Just go write a song about me." I joked, trying to lighten the mood as I lightly shoved his chest toward the door.
He smiled but reached out, wrapping his arm around my waist and pulling me into him for a kiss. I cupped his face with my hands as his warm lips touched mine, sending chills up my arms. I slowly pulled away letting my forehead rest against his.
"I love you," I whispered running my thumb along his cheek. Shawn kept his eyes closed but turned his head to kiss my hand.
"I love you too," He kissed my lips one more time before backing away towards the front door. He gave me one last smile before letting the door close behind him. I quickly walked to the window, drawing back the curtain and making sure he got in the cab alright.
He knew me all to well and turned his head one last time towards me with his usual dorky smile on his face. I chuckled shaking my head as I gave him a small wave. His smile faded a little as he reached his hand up waving back and quickly blowing me a kiss before the cab drove away out of my view.
I sighed turning towards the stairs already waiting for the next time I see him. I hugged my cardigan closer to me before my phone beeped.
I always write songs about you... you're my muse... I love you.
**
Three days later
"You know I can't do that right now," I said to Shawn over the phone. I had the phone tightly pressed against my ear with my shoulder as I carried two grocery bags up the apartment steps.
"Shawn I just can't afford anther plane ticket right now but when I do you know exactly where I'm going to be." I said to him trying to relax him.
In the middle of grocery shopping Shawn called me saying he just wanted to talk but ended up begging me to come visit him. I could still hear the tiredness in his voice and how much he's over working himself.
When I made it to my door I stared to search my pockets for my keys. "No! I do not want you paying for me!" I said louder into the phone getting frustrated not being able to find my keys.
Just as I was getting more frustrated one of the grocery bag handles snapped and spilled the apples on the floor. I groaned into the phone before leaning down and picking everything up.
"No, no, not you. I just dropped everything." I mumbled into the phone holding it with my shoulder again. I first pulled my keys out of my pocket and then picked the bags back up.
"Hayden, sweetheart?" My neighbor from the apartment next to me said walking out of her door. I held the key in the lock, struggling to hold the broken bag as I turned to her.
"Shawn hold on a second," I whispered into the phone before looking up at her.
Mrs. Bennett held out a big white envelope to me, "Our mail must've got mixed up the other day, this was addressed to you."
"Oh thank you..." I said taking the envelope between my free fingers.
"Tell your mom I'd love to have her over sometime soon," My neighbor said before walking back into her apartment.
Both of the grocery bags crashed to the floor as I read the front of the envelope. My body was frozen, all I could do was stare down at the thick packet in my hands.
"Hayden?" I heard Shawn's faint voice on the other end of the line.
With my shaky hands, I slowly ripped the top of the envelope open, taking out the letter addressed to me before reading the first line.
Dear Hayden Anderson,
We would like to Congratulate you on your acceptance into our dance program at NYU...
That's as far as I got before I let out a slight scream in the middle of the hall but quickly covered my mouth. I bounced on my toes out of excitement, not knowing what to do with myself.
"Hayden? What's going on?" I heard Shawn's voice again and quickly pulled the phone back up against my ear, feeling my hands shaking.
"Shawn I got in! I've been accepted into the dance program!!" I yelled into the phone, running my hand through my hair and taking a deep breath.
"I knew you got in, there was just no way they wouldn't have accepted you! Hun I'm so happy for you!" Shawn said into the phone, his own excitement lingered through his voice.
"I actually got in..." I said softly staring back down at the letter, still ignoring the broken groceries at my feet.
I'm going to NYU.