Dedicated to Quenie. Hi!
Phase 39
My heart is crumpling terribly, as well my mind. I feel so exhausted from some frustrating things, thoughts and answered questions I don't know how to believe, I don't wanna believe this. Masakit sa puso, masakit sa isip, masakit sa dibdib, masakit sa lahat ng pakiramdam.
The only feeling I want now is to get numb from the slap of what I learned. It was a big terrible and painful revelation to know that he has a child with his ex, probably Iya? I don't know, what I know is how wounded I am right now.
I sobbed mildly while wiping tears off my cheeks, nasa linya parin si Lavern pero hindi ko na maisatinig ang aking pakiramdam pero naihihikbi ko ang sakit nito kahit papaano.
"L-Listen, Cade... w-we are not sure about it." her voice was little fretful and very shrewd. "Noong sinabi ni Yuria sa akin iyon ay hindi ako naniwala dahil alam kong... m-mahal ka ni Minther. He won't lie to you."
Humikbi ako, nanginginig ang labi pati ang mga kamay.
"If he did, does that mean he never l-loved me?" I said sorely.
Sa pagsisinungaling ba malalaman kung mahal ka o hindi? Kung nagsinungaling, walang tiwala... kung mahal, dapat may tiwala. It's funny how I gave this judgement to him easily but myself can't even answer that. Kasi mahal ko siya, pero iba ito.
I love him, God knows how much. Pero ang sakit naman ng suntok na ito, gusto kong magtiwala lang at maniwala na wala siyang anak sa iba hangga't hindi ko naririnig sa kanya pero dapat bang magpakabingi ako gayong narinig ko ang "posibilidad" na iyon nga ang dahilan kung bakit kahit text ay wala siyang naibigay sa akin?
I was worried sick, he could've just texted me "Hey, I have a child and they're missing, I can't fetch you so don't wait for me 'cause I'll look for them." tangina, oo, ang sakit pero at least walang gugulo sa aking isip dahil sa kanya mismo nanggaling.
Hindi siya nakasagot, narinig ko lang ang kanyang pagsinghot at paghinga ng malalim na tila pinalalakas din ang loob niya. I feel lousy and very unsuitable, this is so dreadful to feel.
"H-Huh, Lavern?" I sobbed.
"N-No, Cade. M-Malay mo ay hindi niya rin alam iyon at nabibigla rin siya gaya mo."
"P-Pero ang sakit, Lavern. Kasi kahit text ay hindi niya nagawa! I'm fucking worried about him, pwede naman niyang sabihin—"
"Maybe he's afraid to hurt your feelings."
My mouth separated when I heard Kees' sleepy voice on the background, I compressed my lips and gasped hopelessly.
"Mas masakit na malaman sa iba!"
Sabi ko nga, puwede niyang sabihin sa akin iyon nang hindi ako nag-aalala katulad kahapon kung nasaan na siya at kung ayos ba siya. Himala pa nga na nakatulog ako sa kahihintay sa kanya. At hetong kaganapan ngayon ay tila isang bangungot na ayaw ko nang maramdaman pa dahil baka hindi na ako magising na peke ang lahat.
But that's just what I want to think because this is not a nightmare but a truth slap of my awful flaws. Sa tingin niya ba hindi ako masasaktan na nalamang nagsinungaling siya? Sa tingin niya ba matatanggap ko ang lahat ng ito? Ang sagot ay dalawang katanungan din.
Paano kung oo, at paano kung hindi?
Kung, oo, dahil mahal ko siya siguro ay kakayanin kong tanggapin ang kahit ano... pero kung hindi? Sigurado akong lalo kong hindi matatanggap ang aking kahinaan bilang babae. It's sweetness or nothing. Matatanggap ko dahil mahal ko, o hindi ko matatanggap iyon kasama ang aking sarili. Isang napakalaking dagok noon sa akin! Sobra, sobrang sakit.
"Mas masakit sa kanya na masaktan ka." he bounced back. "Wait for him to tell you, Cade. Malay mo naman ay sinisigurado niya pa bago sabihin sayo. You know, we can't just hurt the girl we love, without knowing if it's rain or shine."
Pumikit ako ng madiin.
I don't want to hear a man's perspective! Kasi palagi nalang nagkakampihan, parati nalang nagtatanggulan... hindi naman nila nararamdaman ang sakit na dinudulot nila sa mga babae kapag sa ganitong sitwasyon na, mabuti pang sarili ko nalang na pakiramdam ang iligtas.
"Minther's child." Ilang salitang kay daling bigkasin at isiwalat ngunit sobrang hirap paniwalaan at tanggapin ng nakarinig. Pagkasabi palang sa mga salitaang iyon ay gusto ko na agad patayin ang sakit na dadapo sa akin, para akong nakatayo sa dulo ng isang bangin upang kumuha ng kalmadong pag-iisip na biglang tinangay ng malakas na hangin at nahulog sa pinakamadilim na parteng hindi ko sigurado kung may katapusan nga ba.
I was confused inside this unknown lightless place I couldn't find anything but pain and suffering.
But then, my love for Minther never minded my own feelings and decisions. I stayed even how much I badly want to go to my mom and cry my pain out, kahit may sarili na akong pag-iisip at desisyon ay hindi parin nawawala sa akin na kailangan ko ang Mama ko sa mga ganitong kalungkutan at pag-iisa. My mind is fucking my brain like hell and my heart in heaven fell deeper into the cliff of pain, I need my Mom's voice.
"Mom," I termed modestly in a whisper.
"Areial, how are you? I was about to check on you today, wala lang. Gusto ko lang bumisita dahil namimiss na kita. Where are you? Nasa La Verde ka ba o sa bahay ninyo?" medyo gulat pa ang kanyang boses nang sagutin ang tawag ko.
My heart crumpled. Kumurap-kurap ako at tipid na napangiti, my eyes hurt. Huminga ako ng malalim at pinakalma ang masakit na kalabog ng dibdib. Kahit na wala naman siyang alam sa pakiramdam ko ay parang pampagaan na iyon sa aking nararamdaman ngayon. She would visit me out of the blue...
"Hi, Mommy. I'm fine here." I feel bad, Mom. "N-Nasa bahay lang, po. Kumusta kayo ni Dad?"
"Your dad was out for Manila." she chuckled modestly. "Nagluluto palang ako para sa inyo ni Minther, I wanna have lunch with you both. And, hah!" she scoffed gleefully. "Mama Sol told me you are getting fat, how is it, baby?"
Napangiti ako. Marahil ay si Lola Evangeline ang nagkuwento noon kay Lola kaya nasabi rin kay Mommy, hindi na talaga ako madalas magpakita sa kanila at hindi rin ako pala upload ng pictures sa social media pero nagtitext at tumatawag naman ako kay Mommy bago matulog, Dad was getting casual to me and it gave me delight.
My heart constricted rigidly, I sobbed when I could not take it anymore.
"W-Wala naman akong pag-asa, Mommy. Hindi na ako umaasa." natatawa kong sinabi sa mahinang boses.
Narito na naman ako sa hamba ng banging malalim at may tinik. Masakit paring isipin na wala akong nararamdamang kakaiba o kung may umayos ba sa aking sitwasyon bilang babae. Basta ang alam ko ay hindi ko parin mabibigyan si Minther ng kumpletong pamilya.
Ngayong may anak siya at nalaman niya iyon... anong silbi ko?
Natawa ako sa isip. Dapat ba na sumaya ako kasi may instant child? Hindi na kulang si Minther, paniguradong masaya pa siyang malaman iyon dahil matagal na niyang gustong magkaroon ng anak. So maybe, I should feel happy for him... yes, I'm happy for him. What makes him happy, will also make me happy.
She went clammed up for minutes.
"Ano ka ba? Kung anu-anong iniisip mo. Bakit mayroong Cadence at Kienzo, kung walang pag-asa? Anak... I was there, I was also hopeless but I didn't lose hope to have our complete family! Tiwala lang! Maybe we could have it checked today or the next day?" humagikgik siya pero halata ang pag-aalangan.
Hindi ako nagsalita, tahimik lang na lumuha.
"Kasi, nak. Iyong mga ganyan, blessing 'yan. We are unique and that isn't imperfection! Patunay lang din na walang perpekto, pero may kakaiba." she joked. "'Tsaka tumaba rin ako nun, akala ko dahil malakas lang akong kumain dahil gusto kong maramdaman na malaki ang tiyan ko, kunwari may baby! And news shocking flash, I learned I was two months preggy! Can you believe that?"
Humikbi ako ng tahimik, ngumuso ako at pinigilan ang ilan pang hikbing kumawala habang nakikinig sa kanyang pagkukwento. Narinig ko ang ilang tunog ng kubyertos doon na tila may inaayos siya at ang kanyang mga hagikgik.
"May baby girl na pala ako, I wasn't aware kasi wala akong signs. Wala kahit cravings, kahit pagsusuka at hilo. Medyo malakas nga lang kumain, tapos, baby. Mas mabuti na mas maaga kang magpacheck up..."
I compressed my lips to calm my rocky voice. "B-Bakit po?"
Gusto ko lang talaga marinig ang boses ni Mommy ngayon, pero hindi ang usapan tungkol dito dahil nakakasakit din at mas lalong nakakalungkot. Mas lalo kong nararamdaman ngayon ang pait ng aking kalagayan. Buti pa iyong ex ni Minther ay nabigyan siya ng anak, pero ako? Ako na asawa ay hindi kaya iyon!
Fuck that.
She sighed tediously.
"Kasi mas delikado pala tayong magdala ng baby kaysa sa mga normal pregnancy. Nasabi naman ng therapist sayo, 'di ba? We couldn't bear child fully and very healthy, mahina ang kapit mo noon sakin dahil nga masyado akong naging kampante na hindi na talaga ako mabubuntis. Kaya salamat talaga sa dad mo at nahalata 'yong pagiging hyper at matakaw ko."
My eyes blinked, kumunot ang noo ko at wala sa sariling napahawak sa aking tiyan. I couldn't feel anything, so it can't be. Huminga ako ng malalim.
"Tumaba lang naman po ako dahil magulay si Minther magluto," my voice trembled.
He's the only reason why I'm getting fat! Masarap siyang magluto, lalo na mag-alaga. Mararamdaman ko ba ulit iyon ngayong mayroon na siyang ibang obligasyon at priority? Of course, it's his child!
Humagikgik siya at pabulong na nagsalita. "Makulay din ba 'yong ano niyo... I mean, ikaw ba, anak?"
Uminit ang batok at dibdib ko sa sobrang pagkagulat sa kanyang tanong. "Mom!"
Tumawa siya.
"Kasi, sa akin 'yon ang sign, okay? Don't be too embarrassed. May phase talaga na ganyan ang mga babae, kaya naitanong ko. I was so active back then, little did I know I was keeping so many seeds inside that got me pregnant."
"Mommy, too much information!" singhap ko.
Oh my gosh. My mom is very open! I am actually active, and so as Minther but I won't tell that information, nakakahiya iyon at hindi ko kayang ipamahagi lalo na sa aking mommy!
Mas lalo siyang tumawa. "I'm not kidding! Mas active ang may ganitong kalagayan, Cade, baby. Just answer me with honesty! I'm your mother! You should do that often! At least, four times a week! Or everyday! Mas mainam."
"I will just have this checked, Mom!" nag-iinit leeg kong sinabi habang napapasinghap sa kahihiyan sa sariling isip.
"Tsk, you are active! Hindi ako magkakamali! Sabihin mo na, anak. Para maturuan din kita ng mga pwedeng gawin kapag nagbubuntis!"
Suminghap ako at napailing, kahit naiiyak ako ay natatawa parin ako sa mga kabaliwan ni mommy ngayon. It somehow secours me.
"I am not pregnant, Mom. I can't feel anything. Mararamdaman ko naman kung mayroon." napapailing kong sinabi.
"Hay nako, anak. Please be healthy and aware, huh. Magpapacheck ka na, bukas na bukas. You can take Minther with you, I'm sure he'll be happy! Para narin malaman niya ang mga bawal sayo at kung ano talaga ang kalagayan mo."
I bowed my head dismally, I cried gravely after seconds passed. Agad natahimik si Mommy sa kabilang linya, I leaned my head on my knees while crying. I could clearly feel my heart impairing in plain sight.
"What happened?" she asked daintily.
I just whimpered in low tones.
Thinking about this makes me hate myself more, thinking about how happy he was dreaming of a complete set of family with me is hurting me because I'm not capable to do so. Here's where I question this fucked up uniqueness they call, I have a big question mark inside my head that's ruining every piece of my reality with Minther then and ahead.
Hanggang kailan niya ako matatanggap na hanggang ganito lang? Walang kasiguraduhan, dahil hindi ito mananatiling masaya kung may kulang parin. Damn, ang sakit.
Huminga siya ng malalim. "Nag-away ba kayo ng asawa mo? May hindi pagkakaintindihan?" nag-aalala niyang sambit.
Can I say that he has what I couldn't give him now? How can I tell that without damaging myself in this frame of mind?
Umiling ako habang humihikbi, I sighed morosely and deeply. "W-Wala, Mommy. Tatawag po ulit ako, I love you, Mom. Thank you."
"I love you, anak. Stop crying, I'll text when I'm on the way. Bye." she bid her goodbye and ended the call.
Binaba ko ang cellphone at mas lalong binaon ang aking mukha sa tuhod habang umiiyak.
I can't make him stay with only me now, I'm sure. He would not stay mine alone, he will leave my side whenever his child needs him. Ilang taon na ba iyon? Nagkabalikan ba sila ng ex niya noong umalis ako? At heto ang bunga?
So it was my fault to sum up... I left him with nothing. Magdudusa ako ngayon at magtitiis na mayroon siyang naging iba, hindi ko dapat siya sisihin doon.
I realized now that I would still accept everything, kahit wala pa siya at wala pa siyang nasasabi sa akin. Tanggap ko parin siya, o ang anak niya man. Tanggap ko dahil kay Minther siya, tanggap ko dahil mula parin siya sa lalaking mahal ko.
I just wish Minther to stay with me, will stay my husband and stay married to me. Please... I can't lose him, I don't wanna lose him again. I don't wanna lose the man I cherish very much more than myself now, I will probably lose my own sunshine and sky. They will leave me, also.
I texted him.
Me:
I love you, Minther. I will always do.
Iyon lang ang aking sinabi at hindi na sinundan pa.
I just want to tell him that he's not alone in this. I will still accept him like how he accepted my mistakes, flaws and imperfections. No one's perfect in this certainty all the same, but we can make it perfect for ourselves in the name of flawless love and acceptance. Love isn't always untarnished but the fate that we feel it, that's the fruition beneath us. We fathom things perfect because of love that's fulfilling every missing morsel in this journey.
We love the sweetness of passion to another and embrace all the giving tendencies like nothing matters but the unrivaled devotion.
Lenient caresses of warm fingers on my cheek to my jaw and nose stirred me out of the seventh heaven I was in. I snored drowsily, I kind of thought I was still in my own lotus land when my nares traced the well-known fragrance.
My eyes compressed while sniffing. I heard a low tone chuckle, also frequent to my ears. Mabilis sa alas kuwatro akong nagmulat ng mga mata para makita kung hindi ako kinukumbulsyon ng lagnat at nananaginip.
It's just that I didn't figure him to be here this day then, in view of I don't know how many years it was unknown to him. I gave him time for that before I fell asleep, I told myself I'd just wait.
There, his face greeted my vision so well and splendid. My lips separated while trembling, suminghot ako na parang batang nagsusumbong. He smiled at me with a trace of weariness, walang pasubaling lumandas ng tahimik ang mga luha ko at agad siyang dinamba ng yakap na mahigpit.
He grumbled under his hefty breath and hugged me back securely with a clue of missing this. Binaon ko ang mukha sa kanyang leeg at doon humikbi.
"You're back..." I murmured delicately while hugging him so tight.
Huminga siya ng malalim sa aking buhok at ilang beses akong hinagod sa likuran.
"Always..." he bounced back softly. "I'm sorry for being insensitive and unconscious last time. Fuck, I'm really fucking sorry."
Panay lamang ang pagtango ko, naiintindihan at tinatanggap ang lahat ng kanyang sinasabi at pagpapaumanhin. At least, he's sorry... even without it, he's forgiven. Oh my God, I love this man so much.
"I know, I know, Minther..." I whispered knowingly. "That's your child, I won't stop you doing that. Kahit kailan. I understand you."
I felt him stiffen briefly. He gasped idly.
My heart crumpled rigidly but this time, it wasn't painful for the truth. I accepted it, truly and completely. It'd make him happy, having his own child will give him delight and completeness. And his completeness is my happiness, so I accepted the happiness.
Mas lalong humigpit ang kanyang pagyakap sa akin.
"I love you, very much." he whispered.
Lumunok ako at humikbi, I nodded and a smile completed my lips purely. My heart clobbered intensely in excitement and happiness for him.
"I love you, too." I said back. "U-Uh, how w-was it? Nakita mo na ba s-sila?" banayad kong tanong, hindi parin siya kumakalas sa aking yakap kaya hindi ako makatingin sa kanya.
Suminghap siya at hindi nagsalita, bawat galaw ko kahit konti ay biglaan niya akong hinahapit upang hindi makawala mula sa kanya. He buried his face on my neck, I felt his hefty breathing.
"Oh heaven," he said in a whisper. "Mahal na mahal talaga kita, Cadence."
Napangiti ako at hindi mapigilan ang marahang pagtawa, I tangled my arms around his nape. I breathe deeply and closed my eyes in contentment.
"Ako rin..." I giggled.
Wala talaga, kahit anong gawin niya ay alam kong tatanggapin ko ng buo basta sa ikasasaya niya. Pakiramdam ko ako na ang pinakamasaya sa lahat kapag napapasaya siya ng mga simpleng pagtanggap ko.
"Nahanap mo ba sila?" muli kong pagbabalik ng tanong. "Siguro, maganda, 'no? O guwapong gwapo kasi ikaw ang ama..." I smiled at the thought of his own small version.
I am excited to meet him or her, if a girl.
He nodded slightly, he planted three soft kisses on the side of my neck and nuzzled there.
"Yes..."
I smiled. "U-Uh, papayagan ba iyong makita ko?"
"Why not?" he chuckled.
Damn, I feel so happy! "When can I meet, then? What's the name?"
He's still hugging me while nuzzling my neck. Sa palagay ko ay masayang-masaya siya na nakita na niya iyon, marahil ay malaki na rin ang bata at kamukha niya kaya ngayon palang ay natutuwa na ako.
"Amariyah..." he termed slowly.
I giggled at the beautiful name. It's a girl, for sure very beautiful. Though, I haven't seen her Mom. I just know, she would be a beautiful daughter.
"I'm so happy for you, love..." I said sincerely while smiling. "I'm sure she's a very adorable and beautiful daughter as her Mom, and a mixed of you."
"She is..." he chuckled roughly.
"Talaga? Sana makita ko rin siya." I pouted.
"Why do you wanna meet my daughter from another Mom? Don't you feel upset about it?" he asked in a deep whisper.
"I was..." I guiltily admitted. "But now, I realized that I can't do anything but accept my happiness."
"Your happiness? Masaya ka na may anak ako sa iba? I thought it'd make you angry and sad, maiintindihan ko iyon kung ganoon. I'm a total shmuck." he said seriously.
Suminghap ako at ngumuso sa kanyang balikat. I inhaled his scent and grinned.
"Yes, you are. Pero kasiyahan ko ang kasiyahan mo, Minther. I know how much you wanted a child, and now that you have your own daughter, I'm happy for you, as you gave me happiness by being happy as well!"
"Is this how much you love me, love? It makes me feel the blues." he whispered, sighing.
I just smiled and embraced him tighter like how I would embrace his everything... flaws and imperfections, he's the kind words of my acceptance itself.