For the past week and a half, every time I thought about Shawn my blood boiled. I felt humiliated and embarrassed when I think about our conversations from Chips.
Even though many of my questions for him have now been answered, I feel more distant from him than when I first met him. Just thinking about the two separate worlds we both live in, makes my heart quicken and not in a good way. Now I'm aware that nothing would go past that one perfect night with him.
"Do you want to go see a movie tonight?" Deb asked. She was walking along side me as we walked through Central Park.
"Not tonight." I mumbled. I heard her sigh which caused me to turn my head and look at her. She kept her gaze away from me and spoke up again.
"Well what about if we went to check out the new exhibition at the Whitney?" I shook my head.
"Why don't you take Jordan?" I suggested as I continued to stare at the ground as we walked.
"You've been out of it for over a week now? You seem pissed off everyday and from what your sister has been saying is that your hiding yourself in your room again. What's going on?" I shook my head once she was finished.
"Nothing-" I started to say still shaking my head.
"Bullshit, you've been acting weird all week." Deb said stopping on the path looking like she was ready to yell at me. She went to speak again when her eyes widened.
"Oh my gosh! It's tonight isn't it?" She whispered waiting for my answer.
I rolled my eyes, turning my back to her and continued walking. Deb caught up next to me and she had a big smile on her face. "You're supposed to meet with Prince Charming tonight aren't you?"
I shook my head, "No one will be meeting anyone tonight."
Deb was quiet for a minute as she tried to keep up with me. "So you're going to stand him up."
"You say that as if he wasn't going to stand me up. It was just all a big joke." I mumbled. Deb furrowed her eyebrows.
"What are you talking about?" She asked.
I shook my head, "It's not important. Besides I already promised my mom that I would go to that dinner with the Kelly's tonight." Deb gave me a sad smile but let the conversation drop.
We walked around for another 15 minutes and then headed towards H&M. We both browsed the clothing racks seeing what we could find.
"What about this one?" Deb asked as she held up a red maxi dress to her body. "I mean this problaby isn't my color right?"
"Why not? I think that goes great with your hair color." Deb had light brown hair with highlights in it, which showed against the color of the dress.
"Let me try it on." Deb said as she heading towards the direction of the fitting rooms. I laughed and started to follow her as I heard the familiar voice playing on the speakers.
I thought that I've been hurt before
But no one's ever left me quiet this sore
Your words cut deeper then a knife
Now I'll need someone to breathe me back to life
Got a feeling that I'm going under
But I know that I'll make it out alive
If I quit calling you my lover
Move on
You watch me bleed until I can't breathe
Shaking, falling onto my knees
And now that I'm without your kisses
I'll be needing stitches
Tripping over myself
Aching, begging you to come help
And now that I'm without your kisses
I'll be needing stitiches
I immediately tried to block it out but I couldn't. "Deb!" I said which got her to turn around with a confused look on her face. "I'll meet you outside okay? No rush." I said.
She looked at the entrance and then back at me. "Are you sure? Is everything okay?"
I then felt as if someone made the music even louder which caused my breath to quicken.
I nodded. "Yeah I just need some air."
"Okay I'll be out in 10 minutes." She said hesitantly. I nodded and quickly rushed out of the store.
Once I was out of the store I leaned against the wall with my eyes closed taking a deep breath. I put my headphones in, waiting for Deb, when I noticed the vendor in front of me. He had a whole row of magazines with Shawn's face on it. I took a deep breath and walked down a bit more so it was out of sight.
I leaned my head against the wall trying to focus on words of a different song, I couldn't get him out of my mind even though all I want to do is yell at him right now. Tonight either I'll be standing him up or he'll be standing me up and I didn't want it to be the latter.
**
I fixed my dress in the mirror and took a deep breath. My family and I were about to go to dinner with a family friend that my mom works with, something we do almost every month. I had on a royal blue dress that stopped just above my knees, my black flats and a black cardigan.
Two Fridays from now, same spot, same time. I just feel like I want to get to know you better, I don't want tonight to be the last night.
I felt sick to my stomach as his words repeated in my head. I started to pin my hair back and noticed my hands were shaking. I took a deep breath before shaking my hands out in front of me trying to relax. "He wasn't going to show anyway." I whispered to myself.
"Hayden, you ready?" My dad called. I grabbed my purse from off my bed and walked into the living room.
Tess and my mom we're waiting out front of the building holding the cab for us. My mom and Tess got in first as I waited for them to make room. I looked down the road the way I would get to Chips wondering if he's already there. "You okay hun?" My dad asked me as he put his hand on my back.
I brought myself out of my thoughts and nodded. "Never better." I mumbled mostly trying to convince myself.
I slid into the cab as my dad closed the door about to get in the passenger seat when he leaned onto the open window by me, "You're a bad liar." He said with a small smile on his face. He patted my arm before walking to the passenger seat and shaking the cab drivers hand.
**
The Kelly's have always been a close family friend. My mom met Martha Kelly at her job six years ago. Since then both of our families have been close and have dinner together at least once a month. It was only Martha and her husband at dinner with us tonight, which dragged on as if it's been going on for hours. When in reality it's only been a little over a hour.
"Will you stop fidgeting!" My sister whispered from next to me. I gave her an annoyed look as I pushed my pasta around with my fork. I glanced over at my sisters phone to see the time as it lit up when she received a message.
8:46
Almost 50 minutes past the time I should've been at Chips. I stomped my fork in my pasta bowl and took a big bite to distract myself.
"What has gotten into you?" My sister whispered next to me in an annoyed tone. My mom noticed and made eye contact with me, giving me an odd look.
"Honey are you alright?" My mom whispered from the other side of me.
"Yeah I'm-" I started to say before the song playing through the restaurant changed.
Yellow by Coldplay went through the speakers. I took in a shaky breath. I thought back to Shawn singing Yellow under his breath at Chips, how easy it came to him and he was so unaware of it. I thought of his smile, the way he ran his fingers through his hair, the way he always kept one of his hands more then half way on the table and then his laugh. Thinking about his laugh made me smile.
I closed my eyes knowing that I'm about to make a mistake but I know I would regret it if I didn't follow my heart. "Damn it." I whispered under my breath as I dropped my fork in the bowl.
I looked up at my mom who was still staring back at me. "I-I'm really sorry... there's somewhere I have to be." I said to her.
She looked around the table and back at me, she gave me a soft smile and nodded giving me permission to leave. I then grabbed my sweater and my purse from the back of my chair and stood up.
"What are you-" Tess started saying.
"I'm really sorry, but I forgot there's something I have to do tonight. It was really great seeing you guys again." I said to the Kelly's.
"Hayden-" My sister started saying again as I pushed my chair out and walked out of the restaurant.
I waked quickly out to the side of the curb and reached my hand out, "Taxi!" I yelled as one was about to pass me.
**
I got out of the cab across the street from Chips. I looked through the glass window and saw him sitting at the same table from two weeks ago, bouncing his leg anxiously and hand a yellow rose laying on the table top. He had on a black shirt with a blue, shortsleved button up with black jeans and black dress boots.
I couldn't move my feet any closer to the restaurant. I thought about everything I found out over the past week and felt hulmilated all over again. I took a step back from the coffee house right before Shawn looked out the window and made eye contact with me. I quickly regretted showing up and turned around in the opposite direction.
"Hayden!" I heard Shawn yell. I stopped and turned around to see him jogging towards me with the rose in his hands. He had a big smile on his face when he stopped in front of me.
"Hey! I almost thought you weren't going to show." He said. He then looked down at the rose in his hands and held it out for me. "I brought this for you."
I kept my arms crossed as I looked at the rose and back up at him. "Well I wasn't going to show." I watched as his smile quickly fade. "Was I just some joke to you?" I said louder.
"What wait?" He frowned, stepping closer to me and lowering his hand.
"God do you know how much of an idiot I felt when I found out who you were!" I said louder. He then closed his eyes as realization hit him.
"Hayden I was going to tell you tonight." He said.
"And why not last time... a few gigs Shawn? Seriously?" I said going to walk away again feeling the familiar anger build up inside my chest.
Shawn quickly caught up with me and held onto my arms. "When I realized that you didn't know I also realized that you were just talking to me like you would with anybody else. You were being yourself."
"Yeah but you weren't." I said looking away from his gaze. He quickly shook his head.
"No I was! For the first time in a while it was about me being myself and not having anything to do about the music. I love the music but sometimes I need to just be me without it. Everything was me being honest... just not about my career... I'm sorry Hayden." He said softly. He searched my eyes waiting for my to say something.
"Please... I haven't stopped thinking about you..." He said still waiting for me to say something. "If you still want to I would like to continue the second night of our date."
I looked up at him shocked by him calling it a date. He had a hopeful smile on his face, "It's up to you." He spoke again.
"Okay..." I whispered. His smile got better as he ran his hand down my arm and interwinded our hands together.
"Okay..." He whispered as he led the way across the street. "I'm thinking maybe I could take you somewhere else." I looked at chips and then back at him confused.
"Trust me." He said softly.
"Just a total stranger... sure why not." I said sarcastically with a playful smile.
He chuckled, "Well not a total stranger." He looked down at the flower in his other hand and held it out to me again.
"This is has your name on it... if you still want it." I took it from him and couldn't hide the smile tugging at my lips.
"Thank you... it's beautiful." He smiled at me as we continued walking.
**
I watched Shawn through the window of the ice cream parlor. I stayed outside waiting for him like he asked, leaning against the wall with my arms crossed. I watched as the girl at the counter was looking at him in awe as she handed him two cups of ice cream.
Shawn then came out of the ice cream parlor with the two cups, he handed one to me and kept the other. "Have you ever tried this place before?" He asked. I shook my head.
"I came here the first time I performed in New York and there was no going back." I laughed as I watched him take a big spoonful.
I took a bite of mine and immediately fell in love, "Wow." Was all I said and he chuckled.
"I know." He said looking forward taking another bite. There was a comfortable silence between us as we walked and ate our ice cream.
"I'm sorry I asked you to wait outside... I just didn't want anything to happen that might ruin the night for us." He said eyeing me closely to see if I was upset.
I shook my head, "It's okay, I get it. You problaby get noticed almost everywhere you go... does it ever bother you?" I asked.
He shrugged, "Not really, I mean I understand that for the fans it's their one day and their one moment to take a photo or have a short conversation. So I just try to not let my bad days get in the way of their one day. But I know that sometimes it can bother my friends or my family cause they're not used to it."
I nodded letting him know I understood, "Must get complicated sometimes."
"Sometimes..." He said as he took another bite out of his ice cream.
"So... when did you get here?" I asked.
"Just about three hours ago." He said softly.
"How long are you here for?" I asked knowing that it's problaby only for a few hours.
"I'm not in a rush Hayden." He said, my name just rolling off his tongue. "I'll catch the next flight whenever we decide the night is over." He took a bite of his ice cream and smiled at me.
He was quiet as we continued walking the streets. "What about you?" He chimed in.
"What about me?" I said with a chuckle.
"Well look at you..." He said softly grabbing my hand causing me to stop walking and face him. He lifted my hand and twirled me around. "For someone who planned on standing me up looks absolutely beautiful tonight." He said.
I felt the heat rush to my cheeks as he still held onto my hand. I ran my hand through my hair as I stopped in front of him. "I had a family dinner thing..." I said feeling butterflies in my stomach as he stared at me.
"You ditched your family?" He said with a laugh, his thumb rubbed the back of my hand as he still stood under lamppost.
"Sorta, I guess I'm going to have to make it up to them tomorrow." We both smiled as he slowly let go of my hand so we could continue walking.
"Do you see your family a lot?" I asked. Knowing how much time his career must take up. He stared at the ground as he walked and nodded.
"I talk with my sister almost everyday. And I try to talk to parents whenever I get the chance. But I'm not home as often as they want." He said in a lower voice. He took another bite of his ice cream before throwing it in the nearest trash can.
"Do you still live with them?" I tossed my ice cream out in the same trash can, already wishing I had more.
"I actually got my own place a couple months ago, but it's only a half an hour from home so my mom was happy about that. What about you?" He asked.
"Still living with my family, saving up to eventually to get my own place. My older sister is problaby going to move out soon with her boyfriend so I feel like I should be getting out too."
He nodded as he slowly reached his hand over and slipped his hand in mine. I let him and wrapped my fingers around his hand. I looked up at him and saw a small smile at the corner of his lips and he looked at the ground.
"Do you work?" Shawn asked.
I nodded, "Yeah my friends boyfriend got me a job in his recording studio. I'm mostly like his assistant but it's great experience." Shawn turn his head to me and studied my face.
"That's awesome, is that something you want to do?" I groaned with a smile on my face as I looked away from him. He laughed and squeezed my hand, "What'd I say?"
"Just the worlds most famous question, what do you want to do with your life..." He smiled waiting for my answer, I shook my head. "I don't know what I want to do. I've changed my mind too many times to count." Shawn slowly came to a stop in front of me. My eyes met his as I waited to see what he was doing.
"You don't have to have it all figured out you know, I feel like this is the time to experiment and put yourself in different situations that put you outside of your comfort zone. That's the only way you're going to find what you really love." He said keeping his stare with mine.
"I don't know..." I said softly as I looked down at our hands, "Maybe I'm one of those people who are just destined to never figure it out. To always hop between jobs."
Shawn smiled softly shaking his head at me, "I don't believe that... you'll find it one day." He then started walking in the same direction again, still holding onto my hand. I smiled to myself as I reached up, wrapping my other arm around his and rested my head on his arm.
**
"How do you say that so nonchalantly!" I said loudly. "Oh I just played a show in Japan." I said mocking him.
Shawn laughed as he leaned forward on the table, "I didn't mean it like that, just playing a new show in a different place every night is the usual to me."
We both were sitting at a table in Bryant Park drinking coffee that we got from the closest coffee stand before it closed. The park had the old fashioned bulb lights hanging in all the trees which made the park seem even more beautiful. Shawn and I have have sitting at a table in the corner for about two hours, just talking.
"I don't believe you. How do you visit those amazing places everyday and just think of it as the usual." He was still smiling as he took a sip from his coffee.
"You're right I don't. Every night I'm amazed at every city, every venue... every crowd, it's breathtaking..." He said running his fingers along the edge of his cup.
"That's what I thought..." I said softly as I crossed my legs and rested my head on my hand. Shawn looked up at me and smiled again. He then reached over and grabbed my hand that was resting on the table.
"Were you disappointed when you found out who I was?" He asked as he ran his thumb on the back of my hand.
I sighed, "No... but I was disappointed that you weren't honest about what makes you who you are. Figuring that out at such a young age is lucky... you should be proud of that and what you've accomplished."
He nodded, "I am. You'll find what you're meant to do Hayden, just be open to new things." I sighed.
"Someday..." I mumbled. He stared at me still playing with my hand as I looked over his shoulder as another couple passing by.
Shawn then picked my hand up with his, placing my palm on his and compared our hands. He studied my hand before looking at me again with a goofy smile on his face. I chuckled as I intertwined our fingers together again. "Can you stop looking at me like that." I said.
He laughed, "Like what?"
"Like there's not other girls back on your tour waiting for you." I said quietly.
Shawn's smile faded a little bit, "There isn't anyone else, like at all... just you." He whispered as he continued to watch me.
"Mhmm" I said before taking a sip of my coffee, trying to hide my blush. He laughed as he rested both elbows on the table.
"Just you..." He said again.
**
It was past midnight as Shawn and I were walking back towards my apartment building. When we reached the corner of my street I broke the silence.
"You can just drop me off here again, I'll be fine." I said.
Shawn looked past me down my street and back at me. "You're funny. Let's go." He said sarcastically with a smile on his face. He continued to hold my hand as he started to walk down my street.
"Shawn really I'll be fine. You won't find many cabs down here and you have to go to the airport." I quickly said.
"I'm not letting you walk home alone again, I hated doing that the first time." He said intertwining his fingers with mine as we quickly crossed the street.
I didn't fight him on it as I followed next to him. We walked in comfortable silence again heading down towards my building. "This is me." I said slowly coming to a stop and looking at my building. When I looked at Shawn he was doing the same before making eye contact with me. We both smiled at each other waiting for the other to say something.
"Can I get your number this time?" He said and I let out a chuckle. "I don't think I can go another two weeks without hearing from you." My smile slowly dropped when I realized what he said.
"You're going to come back again?" His smile stayed on his face as he reached up and brushed a piece of my hair behind my ear.
"Definitely..." He whispered staring at me.
I smiled and then put my hand out between us, "Well then I need your phone." He laughed, quickly pulling his phone out from his back pocket.
He opened up his contacts and passed it to me. I couldn't hide the smirk on my face when I felt him still staring at me as I typed my number in.
"There..." I said as I gave him back his phone. He read over it making sure I saved it and then placed it in his pocket. "So Two Weeks?" I said studying him to see if he really meant it.
"Yeah... same spot, same time..." He whispered stepping closer to me.
"Same spot, same time..." I repeated to myself as he stepped even closer.
"Promise you won't think about backing out this time?" He asked as he put his hand on my cheek.
"I'll be there..." I stated. He leaned down closer to my face as I reached up and placed my hand on his arm. He brushed our noses together before connecting his lips with mine.
He placed his other hand on my waist as I placed my hand on his chest. He pulled away and rested his forehead against mine. "Have a safe flight Shawn..." I whispered to him. He smiled pulling away from me. He kissed my forehead before letting me turn around and walk up the steps to my apartment complex.
I looked over my shoulder and watched Shawn start to walk back down the street. My phone then buzzed and I pulled it out to read the message.
I already can't wait until the next time I see you.
A smile crept up on my lips as I turned to the direction Shawn was walking in. He was walking backwards as he stared at me, "I had to make sure it was a real number!" He yelled with a smile on his face. I shook my head before opening the door to the building and closing it.
I rested my back against the door for a moment trying to contain myself. I couldn't stop smiling at how the night turned out, it was better then I ever expected. My phone buzzed in my pocket again and I checked the new message.
Goodnight Hay
Was all it said. I smiled before pushing off the door and walking up the stairs to my apartment and humming to Stitches.