Word Count: 4,012
Brain: Hey, you ever wonder what it'd be like if the paladins got drunk?
Me: *shrugs trying to look uninterested* I don't know.... *gets smacked by the idea* THAT'S PERFECT
Annnnd that's pretty much the just of my thought process on this idea. The paladins get drunk off Altean space juice.....
...
Lance swished the clear, water-looking substance in the bottle a little more before taking a swig, recoiling immediately as the foul taste assaulted his tongue.
Hunk looked at him expectantly, his hands clasped excitedly in front of him, his brown eyes big, "Well, is it any good?" He asked hopefully.
Lance held back the urge to spit it out in a splattering mess and, instead, swallowed, shaking his head immediately at the question pushed at him, the stuff leaving a fuzzy sensation as it went down. "I don't think that's water, buddy, I'm sorry." He choked out, wiping his mouth as he put the bottle back down on the counter.
The Hawaiian's face fell at the find that the unlabeled, clear, sporting an equally clear, liquid substance was, in fact, not water.
It wasn't like Lance couldn't not feel his own sadness curl up in his stomach, it had been so long since Lance had felt the cool sensation of water traveling down his tongue, or rain running down his face, or the ocean right at his backyard, or-
No. Lance mentally shook his head, he was not going to have a breakdown in the kitchen right in front of Hunk, he was going to see home again, he just had to hang on until it happened. No meltdown allowed, nope, not happening.
Hunk sighed, defeated, looking around the kitchen that literally looked like a tornado had ripped the place apart. After finding something that looked suspiciously like pasta, Hunk had yet to find something that even tasted even remotely like water.
Who knew that the most common substance on Earth was pretty much non-existent up in space?
Hunk couldn't find an alternative, and he had just about given up hope. "We could try that nunville stuff Coran keeps bringing up, maybe that'll work as a substitute."
Lance's eyes blew up about as big as they could get at the mention of the foul-tasting liquid that just so happened to be an Altean delicacy, "Nuh, uh, not that stuff. No, not in a million years. I love ya, buddy, but, no, just no." He shook his head repetitively, his short brown hair still swinging at the motion.
Hunk suppressed a chuckle at his friend's immediate reaction to the "nectar of the gods", and Hunk couldn't exactly disagree with his friend's strong hatred towards the stuff. After getting a small sip of it himself, even with a broader palate for alien delicacies, Hunk could still not believe that that horrid stuff was actually popular among the alien people.
"Yeah, you're probably right." He sighed, leaning against the counter behind him, watching as Lance picked up the bottle, playing with it before taking another experimental sip again, then another small one.
"So, what now?" Hunk asked, looking back at his friend in surprise when he saw Lance take another large swig from the not-water bottle. Bringing it back down from his lips, Hunk noticed that the Cuban's eyes weren't as focused as they had been a few moments and Hunk suddenly had a pretty good idea at what was in the bottle.
Oh my God.
Lance took another drink swinging a little backward at the action.
He just got Lance drunk.
"I think." Lance took several seconds, getting lost in the not-water as it swished up against the sides of the bottle as he swirled it around in the bottle, the thing almost completely empty already. Wait, how many drinks he get? Was the bottle full? Of course, it was, Hunk was pretty sure it was full, and Lance had drunk the entire thing, "I think I'm gonna go find Keith." He looked up, a grin splitting his face as he came up with what he was going to do next.
"But-" quick, think of a way to make him stay put, so Hunk could figure out what the stuff Lance had been drinking was. Maybe Coran knew? "you hate Keith."
"Meh," Lance waved the concern away, narrowly missing the cabinet behind him as he suddenly turned and teetered towards the door, Hunk not even noticing that Lance had grabbed another one of the bottles on his way out, leaving the poor Hawaiian standing shell-shocked at the drunk teen leaving the room.
He just got Lance drunk.
Hunk gripped the countertop in an attempted to wrap his mind around what had just happened.
He just got Lance drunk.
Shiro was going to kill him.
***
Keith was currently curled up on one of the many couches sitting around the lounge, fiddling with a small device that Pidge had claimed was some kind of mp3 player that she had been able to download "emo music" onto, but he was yet to get any results from the blue screen that continued to remain blank in his hands.
"Come on," he grumbled at the device, reaching up to readjust the green tinted headphones that were a little too small for him to be using, but it was the only thing he could find, and Pidge had let him use them so...
"Keeeeiiiith, where aaaare yooooou?" Somebody's voice rang through the halls, and Keith had the sudden urge to run and hide, fast.
Instead, he shoved the "mp3" in his jacket pocket, threw the headphones behind the couch in one swift motion, curled up on his side with his back to the rest of the room, squeezing his eyes shut, and pretended to be asleep.
"Keeiith? Are you in here?" The off-tone and slightly unnerving voice was in the room now, and Keith had finally pinpointed the voice to be Lance's, but he sounded a little off and- Drunk? Why would Lance be drunk? And where would he have even gotten the stuff from?
The next time he spoke was right behind his ear, "Hey there."
Keith just about had a heart attack, limbs flailing as he suddenly found himself in a heap on the floor with Lance laughing his head off beside him. "The fuck, Lance, what are you doing? You just don't do that to people when they're trying to sleep!" He scolded, trying to get his bearing back together, scooting his but back up and onto the couch again, Lance plopping down beside him.
"I was looking for you, I wanted to give you this," with those words, Lance thrust a bottle into Keith's hands. He completely ignored Keith's scolding, which, if Keith was sure Lance was in his right mind, would have blown up in an argument right then and there, but, Keith didn't think he was, so crisis averted I guess.
The teen looked at the bottle questioningly, it didn't look to be anything special. The thing didn't have a label on it but appeared to be a bit bigger than your average wine bottle, and the liquid inside wasn't colored or anything. Maybe it was water?
"Go on, try it." Lance hiccupped, taking another swig from his own similar bottle, the last of its contents gone and Lance pouted as he looked into the empty bottle.
"Are- are you drunk?" Keith raised a questioning eyebrow and Lance, in turn, furrowed his own.
"Yeah? So? You need this more, you'll lighten up a little, emo." He laughed, giving another hiccup.
Keith ignored the insult and pushed the bottle back towards Lance, "No, I'm good."
Lance's brows furrowed even more at that statement, didn't this guy want to have a little fun? "Why not?" Lance wined, pushed the bottle back.
"Because I can't handle alcohol." Keith shoved it back again.
"Why not?" Lance repeated as he pressed it back into pale hands, which faltered a little at the question before snapping back.
"Because I just can't okay? I black out really easily with that stuff," he shoved it back with harder force this time and Lance, in turn, was stuck holding the bottle again as the Cuban cocked his head, the buzz fading temporarily enough for him to think that passing out after just having a little was weird.
"How come?" He asked, fixing him with an unfocused blue stare.
Keith gave an exasperated sigh and threw his hand up in the air before slapping back onto the couch with a thud, "because of Galra genes I guess, I don't know, can't you just leave me alone? Can you go bother somebody else now?" Keith asked, giving Lance a glare as if his stare alone would burn a hole right through him.
Lance only gave a cocky grin, scooting a little closer to the ex-paladin. "You know what, mullet?" He hiccupped, "I think you're bluffing."
Keith quirked an eyebrow at that, crossing his arms, suppressing a huff. "How could I possibly be lying about this?"
"Because," Lance pretended to become less interested, playing with the cap of the unopened bottle, he really wanted some more right now, man this stuff was good. "I think you're scared I can be a better drunk than you."
Keith held back a laugh and instead snorted, oh yeah, he was definitely drunk. "I'm not scared."
"Then prove it," Lance shoved the bottle back into Keith's hands, "prove you'll pass out after some and I won't bug you ever again."
Keith raised an eyebrow, interested, of course, he had a feeling that Lance wouldn't live up to it, be he was beginning to get a pretty good idea to escape Lance's pestering at least for a little while. The aftermath was going to be Hell, but he would take care of that whenever he got there, "You swear?"
Lance gave an excited nod.
And with that, Keith unscrewed the bottle and began to chug.
He wrinkled his nose as the foul taste attacked his tongue, but he held on to the bottle and didn't back off until he drank about half of the whole thing, and half was definitely enough for him to be out for several hours.
Maybe Lance would be sober by then.
"Heeeey," Lance whined, snatching it back from Keith's lose hands, looking at the already half-empty bottle with a pout on his face, "I thought you said you weren't going to drink a lot."
"Actually, I didn't say how much I would drink," Keith shrugged, a triumphant smile coming to his lips as his mind began to feel the effects of the alcohol take its hold on him. His brain was already slowing down, and the last thought Keith had as he pitched forward was: Man, this is some really strong stuff.
***
"Pidge!"
The paladin in question was currently chatting with Matt about some recent ideas she had for upping the castle defenses when her head shot up at the panicked voice echoing through the halls.
"Who was that?" Matt asked, brows furrowing.
"I don't-"
"Pidge, help!"
Wait a second, she knew that voice, "Lance? Lance!" She broke into a run, hand running to her bayard tucked away in a holster strapped to her belt, "Lance!" She yelled again, there wasn't an answer.
Matt was following close beside her, as they rounded the corner and skidded to a stop right outside of the lounge, and the sight that greeted them was, well, it was something else from what Pidge had been picturing in her mind.
Maybe the Galra had been able to break in and were trying to kidnap him.
Maybe Lance had hurt himself.
Actually, it wasn't any of those, for the sight that greeted them had Matt holding in bouts of laughter and Pidge slowly putting her bayard back in its holster with a snort.
Keith was passed out, face first on the floor, while Lance, looking panic-stricken had pulled one of Keith's feet up to his ear. What Lance was trying to accomplish by doing that, she had no clue, but it sure was hilarious to see.
"Pidge, I killed Keith!" Lance fixed her with a panicked stare, and she could see actual tears running down his face, "I didn't mean to, I promise!"
"Lance," her stomach was cramping now, trying to hold in her laughter, "I think Keith is just passed out."
"But, I can't find his pulse!" Lance held Keith's foot up, emphasizing his point.
Matt broke, his laughter echoing through the room as they both entered to get a better look at the situation.
Lance glared at her sibling, "Quit laughing! I'm serious!" He sniffed, more tears running down.
"Lance-" Matt laughed again, he took a few deep breaths, calming himself down enough to actually talk, "are you drunk?"
Lance furrowed his brows at the question, "No! This is serious!" He hiccupped, eyes running to some kind of bottle on the floor not far from him before quickly going back to the two of them.
Pidge picked up the hint, "Lance, maybe he's just sleeping," how would she say this if she were explaining it to a two-year-old? No idea, she hated little kids, but she didn't think launching into all the signs to prove that Keith wasn't actually dead would benefit anybody.
So she chose the best alternative she could possibly think of.
"But-"
"No, look," she walked over to the drunk Cuban, crouching on the floor beside him. Pushing Keith with all her might, she managed to get the teen on his side, he didn't stir. "Give me your hand," she turned her attention back to Lance, gesturing with her hand for Lance to give her his.
The Cuban hesitated at first but put his larger hand in hers, and she guided his fingers in front of Keith's nose. "Do you feel that?"
Lance's face was scrunched in mild concentration but lightened up almost immediately as he felt Keith's breaths against his hand. "So, he's not dead?"
Pidge heard Matt chuckle behind her, "Nope."
"Oh, that's good," Lance fell against the couch, lanky legs spreading out on the floor. Pidge watched in mild interest as Lance reached for the bottle he had glanced at earlier, and observed as he took another swig of the bottle's contents.
"Hey, what's that?" Pidge cocked her head in curiosity.
It was a bad move on her part, Lance immediately went on the offensive clutching the half-empty bottle to his chest like a toddler. "No! This is mine!"
"Let me see it, Lance." Pidge's voice took on a harder tone.
"No!" Lance scooted his butt a few more inches away. "It's mine!"
"No, it isn't! Where did you even get that from?"
"None of your beeswax!"
Matt was watching the scene with mild interest as the two fought over who should be in possession of the bottle. Suppressing another bout of laughter, Matt leaned over the two from his perch on the couch, "Hey, Lance, can I have a sip?"
The Cuban's eyes slipped from Pidge's now angered, and slightly redder face to Matt, thinking over the rebel's words carefully, Lance finally shrugged, handing it over without another word, "Sure, Matt."
"What?! You let my brother have it, but not me?!"
"You weren't asking nicely!"
"But I proved to you Keith wasn't dead!"
"That doesn't mean anything!"
"Hey, hey, hey, everybody just calm down, okay?" Matt raised his voice, getting the two's attention, the only thing breaking the silence then was another hiccup from Lance. An idea suddenly coming to mind, he brought out the hand that wasn't holding onto Lance's prize. "Alright, here's how we're going to do this, whoever can tell me how many fingers I'm holding up, gets it, alright?"
The two nodded.
"Okay," Matt brought out two fingers and faced Lance.
It brought the red paladin several minutes to finally fix his eyes on the fingers, and he brought up his pointer finger and counted Mat's fingers, slowly, by tens, "Twenty," he said, fixing Pidge with a triumphant stare.
Pidge snorted and looked at her brother's fingers, saying "Two" almost immediately.
Matt handed the bottle over to the green paladin, who then started to study the contents almost immediately.
Lance's anger must've left him almost as fast as it started because he turned to Pidge with a grin, "I dare you to drink some."
Pidge's eyebrow quirked at the dare.
"Pidge, don't you're not old enough." Matt butted in with his common sense, but Pidge waved the concern away almost immediately, "Neither is Lance, and we're technically no longer ruled by the drinking law in space."
"That doesn't change anything, Katie," Matt thought for a moment, and changed tactics, "do you really want to deal with the hangover later?"
Pidge shrugged, "Come on, Matt, we all know the only person I'll be snapping at the whole time is Lance." She said, gesturing to the red paladin, who looked to be staring off.
Then, without another word, she drowned the rest.
***
"Look, I'm a pigeon!"
"Well, I'm a shark!"
"Well, I can fly!"
"No you can't, only birds can fly."
"Has anyone seen Allura?" Shiro walked into the lounge, and froze, looking over the room in front of him in shock.
All of the cushions had been scattered across the room. The unconscious form of Keith was sprawled out on the far corner of the room, a seat cushion thrown on top of him, Pidge and Lance were sitting in the middle of the room arguing about which animals were allowed to fly, and apparently, hippos could fly now, all of the couches were shoved off to the walls, leaving a bare, empty space full of couch cushions, blankets, and pillows, and the two ignored the black paladin.
"What-" Shiro caught sight of Matt crouched in a corner by the door, holding up one of the Altean phones and recording the whole thing.
Catching sight of Shiro, he put a finger to his upturned lips and gestured for the black paladin to come over while the two teens continued to argue and then act- drunk? How the heck did they get their hands on that kind of thing anyway?!
"This is so great," Matt whispered as Shiro took a seat on the floor beside him.
"Are- are they drunk?" Shiro whispered back, watching the two of them with a little more focus than last time, his eyes going to Keith temporarily, only until he saw the steady rise and fall of his chest, at least from what he could see with the couch cushion on top of him.
"Oh yeah," Matt replied back, positioning the device in his hands a little higher as the two teens continued to act in their own little world. "Apparently, Coran or Allura have been stashing some pretty strong stuff in the kitchen, from what I can guess, Lance and Hunk found it."
"Wait, so Hunk's drunk too?!" This was bad, really bad, the majority of the castle inhabitants were either passed out on the floor or so drunk they couldn't remember if hippos could fly or not.
"Na," Matt waved the question away, too busy with keeping his eyes on the two teens, but Matt was a good multitasker. "Do you really think Hunk would get drunk?"
Shiro thought over the question, and he had to agree with Matt on that one. The yellow paladin was too cautious to do something like that.
"Hey, what are you doing in here anyway? I thought you were talking with Coran."
Shiro shook his head, "I've been done with that for a while now." He said, swishing the liquid around the glass bottle he had found in the kitchen, whatever it was, it had a nice taste to it, he thought, as he took another drink. "I'm looking for Allura, I was wondering if she could tell me what this is- What?"
Matt had been looking crazily in between Shiro and the glass bottle clutched in his prosthetic hand, an evil grin on his face, "Are you feeling okay?" He asked, Matt's tone wasn't concerned at all, just more.... Mischievous.
"Yeah, my head's a little fuzzy, why?" His brows furrowed, when he caught sight of Matt looking behind him and then back at Shiro's bottle.
He turned around and saw what Matt had been looking at. Empty bottles, identical to what Shiro had were sitting in a little bunch on the far side of the room, and Shiro definitely picked up on what that meant.
He wasn't the kind of person who would take a drink of something alcoholic and almost immediately go wild. It took a while for it to kick in, and Shiro looked down at the bottle he had been drinking from, it was almost empty.
"My God," Shiro whispered, Matt snorted beside him, "Matt, you better not let me do anything stupid."
Matt laughed, it quieting when Shiro fixed him with a hard glare. The young adult then smiled, patting Shiro lightly on the back with a grin on his face.
"No promises."
*** (pretty good time skip) ***
Two Alteans sat watching with interest at the paladins inside. Lance had taken off his shirt sometime after Coran and Allura had gotten there. Shiro, Pidge, and Lance were now whispering and giggling excitedly to themselves as they continued to "braid" Keith's hair in odd angles, the ex-paladin completely unaware and still passed out on the floor.
Their behavior striking interest in the two, Allura and Coran had absolutely no intention of moving from their lookout at the doorway. They had passed Matt on their way to find Shiro, something about, "uploading footage", but that was about all they got out of him before he disappeared.
"Allura! Coran!" Hunk suddenly came running around the corner of the hall, in catching sight of them, the yellow paladin bent over, hands clutching his knees as he tried to get his breath back from running. He straightened back up a few seconds later, his face looking panicked. "Has any of you guys seen Lance?"
"Yes, of course," Coran chirped, gesturing to the forms inside the lounge, "and I must say, he and the other have been very comical to view."
"Others?!" Hunk squeaked, moving in to get a look at the four in the room. "Oh God, this is bad, really bad."
"What is it? What's wrong?" Allura asked, picking up on Hunks distress, their voices were low as to not attract any attention to themselves.
"They're drunk."
"What?!" Allura exclaimed, looking into the room with new eyes.
"Ah," Coran said, his fingers twirling the tips of his mustache, "that explains their behavior then."
"What should we do?" Allura asked, her hands on her hips, looking at Hunk with an even more worried expression than before unaccustomed to the humans' behavior.
"Well, I was hoping you could tell me what this stuff is," Hunk pulled up the bottle he had been holding in his hands, the lid was still intact, the clear contents inside sloshed up against the side of the glass bottle.
"Quiznack!" Coran exclaimed, grabbing the bottle away from Hunk, "That's the glickmir I had been looking for, I remember placing it somewhere, but I wasn't sure where..."
"Well, that's what Lance got ahold of, and from the looks of it, Keith, Pidge, and Shiro got some too."
"Oh," Coran muttered to himself, clutching the bottle a little harder now, "but this was such a burden to find in the first place."
"Should we get them to their rooms?" Allura asked, moving to take a step into the room, Hunk hurriedly grabbed her wrist, preventing her from entering.
"No, no, we need to leave them in here, if we try getting them to go anywhere else, who knows what could happen." Hunk quickly explained, letting go of the princess.
"So, what do you suggest we do?" Allura demanded, "I won't have them running around the castle like this." She said, gesturing to the room's inhabitants.
Hunk thought for a moment, "Maybe, we could just lock them in here, just until they come back to their senses, Coran, we could lock the door from this side, right?"
"Yes, of course, lad," Coran turned to the control panel by the wall, typing a few commands in before the door gave a quiet beep, slowly shutting the drunk paladins and Blade in for the time being...
...
Well, that's the end, yay! Just to be honest, I've never done a drunk scene before, I hope it was good?? Even if it was just okay, I would take that...