[POSTED SONG: Be Alright by Justin Bieber]
I'm a fucking idiot. Of course I feel the same way with Ria, if not, more so.
But I'm not a cheater. Ive always has feelings for Ria but I'm with Elise now.
She should've told me sooner than leading me on to think otherwise.
"There was this guy," she speaks quietly, surprising me and probably herself, at her sudden confession. Instead of saying something, I sit right next to her and urge her to continue with my silence.
She doesn't look at me, she just continues to stare at the floor. "His name was Justin. Lani wasn't my only friend growing up, we weren't always a duo. We were a trio with Justin." She raises her hand to her face to tuck a strand of hair behind her ear. "I know it's going to sound stupid, especially coming from me of all people," she half laughs, "but I've pretty much been in love with him since the day we met as fucking eight year olds."
Her voice is shaky but she regains control when she clears her throat and takes in slow, deep breaths. I'm too afraid to say anything. I'm afraid that if I do, she'll crawl back into her hiding place and I'll never get to know the real her.
"When high school came along, hormones were skyrocketing and emotions were on full blast and shit, we established this real romantic relationship. He was my first everything. My first love, first kiss, first time, first of... everything. I had way too much trust in us that I actually saw a stupid future with him. We were going to go to college together and get married and eventually start a family. Real high school sweethearts, ya know? I was so content with life at the time... Anyways, I lost my virginity to him on the night of our Junior Homecoming dance. I've never felt so close with anyone in my entire life. I felt this raw, emotional connection with Justin and I just felt like everything was being perfectly set in place." Tears are brimming her eyes and I suddenly feel extremely guilty for pressuring her into telling me about her history.
"Well, it turns out it was all just fake!" She laughs. I know she's only laughing to conceal her real pain. "It was all just a stupid show for him to get in my pants. He dropped me the following week and I started to get really insecure about it. But then, people started to find out. Guys would cat call me in the hallways and girls would call me a slut for having sex at such a young age. Then I started to wonder, how the fuck did they even find out? It's because of that little shit, Justin! He told everyone! I just thought he stopped loving me but it turns out that he never really did in the first place. Sure, we were friends, but once he started getting recognized by the 'cool kids' he did whatever and whoever he could to receive their praise. It's some fucked up shit, I know.
It certainly doesn't end there though. He never even apologized and I remember feeling so stupid for thinking he would. He flaunted our sexual encounter together as if it were his greatest conquest. You'd be foolish to think that that was the fucked up part. He told me in front of all his friends, in front of all the snobby girls in my class, that he only dated me to fuck me and that it only went on for so long because my legs were tough to open. He completely humiliated me in front of everyone. He then went on to admit that the two years we were together, he'd been cheating on me with this bitch Alyssa. Alyssa was there the entire time and she had the fucking nerve to laugh and bring up the cute little mole on my left hip. So, obviously, Justin fucking told them every sparing detail about the best night of my life.
Instead of fighting back, I ran and cried for the last time in my life ever, went back to their spot in the cafeteria and punched Alyssa straight in the face. I also didn't hesitate to kick Justin in the dick and I was the one who got suspended for a week. Then Alyssa made the rest of my Junior year a living hell. Justin continued to date her and was always so damn cruel to me from there on out because he was so fucking obsessed with popularity.
So that's why I'm so damn angry all the time, okay, Harry? Are you happy now that you've opened up the dark vault I've been trying so desperately hard to keep closed? He's the reason why I don't just trust people so easily. That's why I don't just open up. It's a dark path in my life and I never intended on looking back. So are you content now? You finally got the tough bitch to break!" Ria is in full sobs now. Full shaking sobs.
Fuck. No, I never wanted her to feel this way. I just didn't know that that's what she's been going through.
Seeing her like this feels so weird. I've never seen her shed a single tear before yet feel so vulnerable.
"Don't cry," I try to comfort her. I grab her hands away from her face and pull her closer to me. I wrap my arms around her tightly and she cries hard into my chest. Even though she's broken, I can tell she still has the strength in her to stop her crying because her cries turn to gentle sniffles. "I'm sorry that this all happened to you. But I'm not sorry for making you tell me. You needed this. You needed to let it all out," I say into her hair and I rest my chin on the top of her head.
I'm still holding on to her tightly and I feel more than guilty for telling her that I didn't have any feelings for her. I sure wouldn't have admitted that if I knew she was still trying to recover from a heartbreak.
"It's in the past, okay? They're scum and they shouldn't matter to you anymore. All that should matter is that you have people, here, who love you. You've moved away from all of your problems so it's time to start fresh and just forget about it. I know it sounds easier said than done but you have to trust me."
❀
He's right. It feels like this heavy weight has been lifted off my chest. I feel like I can somewhat breathe. It's different telling him because he didn't live through it. Lani, on the other hand, did. So being able to just vent and rant to someone with little judgement feels very relieving.
We continue to lay on the sofa, with me in his arms laying on his chest. We've been like this for several minutes now without either of us saying a word. I'm then reminded by my subconscious that less than ten minutes ago, Harry basically said he didn't like like me. My chest tightens at the reminder and I try to savor every second of our embrace before he leaves.
"have to tell you something," he says quietly.
"What is it?"I ask. My voice is starting to sound hoarse and my throat is extremely dry.
"I've also been keeping a secret."
Damn. That caught me off guard. I never expected Harry to be that kind of person at all considering he's living his life under a magnifying glass.
"What secret?" I shamelessly urge.
"My first love wasn't a smooth ride either," he half laughs. I almost want to stop him because I can somewhat tell that he doesn't want to go back to that part of his life. But this jerk deserves it since he peer pressured me into going back into an unpleasant part of my life as well.
"It's not nearly as bad as your story," he tries to joke. "But I should tell you so that you know that you can trust me. Anyways, there was this girl, Juliette, who I met during my 'One Direction days' because she toured with us as a stylist. I was head over heels for this woman and so far in my 23 years of life, I'm still sure that she's the only person I've ever full heartedly loved. It doesn't compare, at all, to the girls I've had flings with. With Jules, it was genuine and real. Our relationship was kept under wraps and was totally private. She was just so different and I felt so shameless about love with her. I talked to her about everything and anything. She was only a couple of years older than me but I learned so much from her. It's hard to explain, really, but I was whipped. And the fact that I didn't have to worry about making plans to see her because we were together all the time made us even closer." He trails off and takes a dramatic pause, I assume because he's lost in thought, reminiscing about her.
"She broke things off with me because she's seen how all of my 'celebrity flings' receive hate and death threats on the daily and she wasn't ready to live that kind of life. She ended up quitting the tour and continuing her career in London. I never really stopped loving her but as time went by, I was able to forgive and forget.
I'm not at that stage of love with Elise yet but... I still have hope. That was one of the things, actually, I was able to bond over with her. She had her shit with Mark, mine with Jules, and that's what we had in common, I guess."
I don't really know what to think anymore. I don't know what to feel. Jealousy? Envy? Love? Hate? I don't know. What I do know is that my feelings for him still haven't extinguished and that scares me. I've always hated having crushes. Especially when that person didn't like me back. I feel so conflicted right now.
"Well, thanks for telling me," I say. I guess his whole confession led me to believe that I can trust him. I didn't mean anything I said earlier; I just wanted a reason to end our friendship because I couldn't handle just being friends.
"To Hell with them!" he says in an effort to cheer me up.
Harry, Elise, and I really have more in common than we thought.
We're all trying to forget someone.