Serendipity is for Suckers | h.s. *EDITING*

45 // ❀381 days before❀

[POSTED SONG: She Will Be Loved by Maroon 5]

My life has changed so drastically since the start of the school year. It seemed so perfectly normal several months ago before I even met Harry. Before I met him, I was already considering moving back to Hawaii to spend the rest of my college years with Lani.

I sound a little ungrateful and bitchy for even thinking that. I'm glad I met him and I'm forever grateful that he's here with me in my time of grief. He's been of so much help the past month and I can't thank him enough. But I also feel so bad for dragging his perfect life in to the mess of mine. All I feel like I'm doing is dragging him down with my pessimistic attitude.

I just don't understand why he's still with me. All I do is complain about my life going nowhere, I'm lazy and unmotivated and he even told me once that he found passion attractive.

I have no real job, my grades have been declining and I still have no fucking idea what I want to do with the rest of my life.

I don't want to float around him like a leech and relying on every single person in my life to support me. That's exactly what I'm afraid of; dependency. Yet I still can't seem to work to find my own independency.

Why am I suddenly so self-conscious about myself? Maybe it's because it just seems too good to be true.

I've been thinking about this since the moment Harry professed his feelings for me back in January. I've always wondered why. I'm no one special. And maybe he just felt lonely and needed a companion.

I've just grown so in love with him in the short time we've gotten to know each other. Other than Lani, he seems to be the only person who actually understands me and I've surprised myself by letting him into my life. I used to be so closed off and cautious with who I befriend, but it's as if my heart and soul gave him an all access pass into my being.

"Babe," Harry walks into my room, interrupting my thoughts. "Your mum's waiting for you in the car," he says. I nod in acknowledgement and don't make it a point to look at him. I hate how he's seeing me so vulnerable and sad. Eventually he's going to find it unattractive and it won't be long until I lose another significant person in my life.

I've learned from my mistakes and am now deciding to start the grieving process for when Harry finally decides to leave me. He'll realize I'm a mess and am going nowhere in life and then decide he wants someone more lively and driven and... pretty.

"Ria," I hear him say again and feel his warm touch on my cheek. He wipes away a tear I didn't even realize has fallen and brings both hands up to cup my face. I finally look up and my eyes meet his. Instead of the dullness I was expecting, there's so much vibrance behind the emerald color and the way he stares into my gaze, the more I realize that there's more emotion there. Just one look and one simple touch from him erases all of the self doubt I've been having for the longest time.

I love this man. I fucking love him, I don't know what's holding me back. Of course he loves me. Why else would he be here in Hawaii, supporting me and my family, if he didn't?

Sometimes I don't know whether I don't love enough or if I love too much. This time, if I want to keep Harry, I need to give him all of my undivided love and devotion. I can't lose him. I can't.

My gut's been saving me for years from dating heartbreakers and I've been living on the safe side for too long. I need to risk it and give him my all before it's too late and he gets tired of the lack of affection from me.

He doesn't seem like a heartbreaker so I should be facing my fears since he's willing to even give me the time of day.

"Let's go," I pull out my best smile and he plants a small kiss on my forehead. His hands find mine and together we make our way to Lani's funeral.