"Hold onto me, 'cause I'm a little unsteady...." - unsteady - x ambassadors
The addict controls my dreams.
When I'm least expecting it, she digs her way into my utopia and promises me a world of no worries and no regrets. She tells me that she can give me everything I want in life as long as I give in. She tells me that everything will be easier if I just live by her words. In my dreams, she tells me I'm not strong enough. She whispers all my weaknesses like their bullets shooting straight through my pride.
She makes me want to give in. She gets under my skin and drills into my brain, forcing me to think of all the blow I can get for free.
She likes to tease.
My eyes shoot open the second I feel a shift in the lumpy bed causing me to escape the grip of my addict. I close them quickly when I realize how bright it is in the tiny room that used to be Fiona's.
After Lip and I's tipsy confessions, we laughed for hours about nonsense and talked deeply about Ian and Fiona. Once we were all out of beer and on our last cigarette, we decided to call it a night. I insisted on sleeping on the couch next to Renee but apparently random children littered the floor and the couch. I don't know how I missed it but he was right. I guess Carl got a new girlfriend and that girlfriend brought all of her siblings to seek refuge at the Gallagher's. We bickered for a while on who would sleep on Lip's floor before he body slammed me into the bed and wrapped me in blankets, refusing to let me leave.
No sex. No scandalous touching. Just soft touches and cuddles. It's different sleeping with him in a way that doesn't include...sex. It's almost more meaningful than anything else. It warms all the darkest places of my mind and I revel in it.
I lift my head to see Lip sitting at the edge of his bed in a pair of boxers with a cigarette hanging from his lips. He looks back at me with a crooked smirk on his face before cupping his hand around his cigarette and lighting a flame.
I shiver and snuggle deeper into the blankets, "Why is it so fucking cold in here?"
Lip inhales deeply before exhaling grey, "Fiona turns the heat off at night to save on the electricity bill but no one's paid it so I guess they're gonna shut it off this Friday. And since Fiona's in the pokey for a while, I have to come up with money to pay it."
"What about the squirrel fund?" I ask remembering the money they store away for each winter.
He shakes his head, "Won't be enough."
"What are you gonna do?"
He shrugs carelessly, "I can probably spot a few from Amanda's parents."
Whether or not he uses Amanda shamelessly, it still stirs a funny feeling inside me. Even if he assures me that they aren't dating, the idea of him being close with another person and leaning on someone else, scares the crap out of me. Lip may have gotten an education but he's still the same resourceful son of a bitch he was when he was sixteen.
"You, uh," I hesitated as I sat up, "You like her?"
Lip looks at me intently before answering, "I like the shit she buys me."
I purse my lips and nod, "And she knows that you guys aren't in a relationship, right?"
It's the peace of mind. It's the warm feeling in my chest. It's the tingle in my legs. It's all the feelings that he gives me that demands a clear answer of what him and Amanda are to each other. To him, it may be careless and easy but to me? To me this is pivotal.
He narrows his eyes at me and shifts, "I don't know," He says in a careless tone, "Why do you care so much?"
And like clockwork my defenses fly up, "I could care less. I just wonder why she'd be so interested in-,"
"Interested in a guy like me?" He says in a mockery, "The kid from the ghetto who could barely afford new shoes last year? The kid who grew up with roaches?"
I roll my eyes and get out of bed, "God, spare me the pity party, I was just wondering why she lets you use her."
My addict is grinning at me in the deepest corner of my mind as she prepares herself for a battle. The moment she heard the shift in Lip's voice, she wanted to come out and show true colors and win. She wanted to bathe in the angst and rawness. But I couldn't let her.
With steady hands, I walk over to my discarded jeans on the floor and shove them on one leg at a time completely aware of Lip's glare. Right now, two-years-ago-Cash-and-Lip doesn't seem so different than they are right now.
He holds his hands up, "Is it so hard to believe that some trust fund baby would actually like me? That's classic, Cash."
I square my shoulders and glare at him, "What's that supposed to mean?"
"I thought you'd be a little more understanding considering you moved halfway across the continent for some guy who gave you five minutes of his undivided attention." His voice isn't loud but his words are harsh and come from a place that's been dying to stab me.
I scoff and grab my jacket from the ground, "I didn't move for, Ty, Genius Boy."
He takes a drag, "You sure didn't move for your mom."
My fists ball at my sides and I feel annoyance boil in my blood. He's pushing my buttons as a defense mechanism. I poked and prodded at his "not" relationship and now he's trying turn the attention and anger towards me. I'm his easy target when shit gets too hard for himself to admit. Some things don't change.
I take a steady breath and unfold my fists, "Can we not do this right now?"
He stares at me with resentment before taking another smoke, "Whatever. I gotta go get a suit anyways."
I furrow my brows and scoff, "A suit? For what?"
I can tell he doesn't want to talk as he shuffles around his room for clothes. He throws his jeans against the wall and shoes on top of the bed. The way his arms move showcase his veins that are very much evident. I got under his skin and I didn't even do anything.
"Amanda's sorority is having some pin thingy," He says in a lazy tone as he throws on a t-shirt.
I stand there like an idiot, "A pin thingy?"
Lip rakes his hand through his messy hair, "Yeah. The girls in her sorority do this big ceremony where they pin their..."
His voice fades off, avoiding the end of his unformed sentenced but I've already done it for him. My mind sweats and my heart stings. For their boyfriends. The girls pin their boyfriends. Amanda is going to pin Lip and I'm going to be the one with a pin in her heart.
We stand their awkwardly with unspoken words floating in the air like annoying lint. His eyes wander up to mine quickly and look away as he shoves on his jacket.
"You should probably get your sister out of here," He says and opens his bedroom door, leaving me in his wake and heartache.
"Step-sister," I say quietly playing with my thumbs in the mess of my own making.
People move on. People have to move on.
-----
"Just let me get on your back, Cassie." Renee cries with slumped shoulders as we walk down the street towards the hotel. The sun is beating down on our faces but snow still liters the ground and our breath disappears between our words. It feels like we've been walking forever but it's only been ten minutes. Hangovers ruin you.
I groan and pull my jacket closer to my body, "Shut the fuck up already."
"My feet hurt," She whines, "And I have a splitting headache."
"Probably shouldn't of had that sixth line." I remind her of her bad choices.
She ignores my comment, "You know, I heard you and your boy arguing this morning."
After I left Lip's bedroom, Renee's head was practically in the toilet while liters of children ran around the house like animals. Everyone was getting ready while Lip painfully ignored me before getting in a car with Amanda and driving off. Once again, leaving me in his wake.
"We weren't arguing," I comment as we finally make it to the hotel.
She adjusts her large black glasses on her face, "I know arguing when I hear it, trust me. I can't believe you ever dated that guy. He's a total slum."
My defenses are back, "Hey, he isn't a slum. The boy has a 4.0 GPA and got accepted into MIT. I'm the slum."
Renee bites her lip, "I'm sorry but isn't he the one who got a bitch pregnant before you left?"
"We weren't even dating," I answer honestly.
She puts her hand on my arm softly, "Listen, I'm sorry. I know you care about him. I do. I'm just looking out for you. You've been here for me more than most people and I don't want you to get hurt again."
"I'm not," I shake my head.
She purses her lips and nods, "I don't believe. Moths are always attracted to a flame."
"Did you just compare me to a moth?"
She nods, "And he's your flame."
"You're so weird."
"But you love me," She giggles.
She continues to rumble while I roll my eyes in annoyance before my phone rings in my back pocket. High hopes are let down when I see the name across the screen that reminds me of my reality.
I groan before answering, "Mom, I shouldn't have to call you each day to let you know,-"
The other end is quiet until sniffles fill my ears and my heart drops.
"Mom?" I plug my other ear trying to block out Renee's endless rambling.
"Cassandra..." She sniffles and sobs into the phone.
My breathing quickens as I stop dead in my tracks trying to hear her on the other end. Worried thoughts plague my mind and my throat tightens preparing for wreckage.
"Oh, Cassie," She cries more into the phone, causing my panic to rise even more.
I grip onto the phone, "Mom? What's going on? Is everything okay?"
"Oh Cassie, Cassie, Cassie," She repeats, "I'm so sorry."
My hand grabs my stomach as my head spins, "What happened?"
"It's your father, Cassandra." She cries hysterically, "I'm so, so sorry."
And just like that everything stops. Renee stops. My feet stop. My breathing stops. My heart stops.
The world stops and there's nothing left but void.
My father.
----
My addict is crying in her corner. Her knees are pulled to her chest and she's gripping at the roots of her hair like they're her only lifeline. Her whole-body shakes as a piercing cry fills the air, shattering everything inside. She's drowning in a pool of her tears and all she wants is a way out. She wants to the paint to end.
You're alone, you're alone, you're alone, she screams over and over as she continues to slam her boney hands against her head.
She's hurting. She's hurting for me.
My world is fading in and out. One minute I'm outside the hotel. The next, I'm upstairs with Renee. Next, she's crying into my neck. Next, I'm popping the cap off of a bottle. Next, music is blasting in my room. Next, the door opens and people flood in. Next, the lights are low and people are moving to fast.
Next, I'm gone.
Void turns everything to black and ash. Everything I was early today is no longer. My emotions are detached. My voice is broken. My limbs feel weak. My eyes are dry. My heart beats faintly.
I feel nothing because my addict is feeling for me. I can't hear anything past the constant screaming.
I'm walking on a cloud filled with avoidance and ignorance. I'm floating in a sky with no regrets and no choices. Everything feels lighter and less intense, including myself. I feel like I'm outside of my body watching me float away into the abyss and I don't even care. Anything is better than what my addict is feeling.
There's a pile of white dust sitting on the coffee table next to rolled up dollar bills and red solo cups. Renee screams at the top of her lungs after downing a tequila shot and she's yelling into my ear to 'live'. The white dust suddenly becomes no more and I feel fine.
Everything is fine.
Because now? Now my addict is draining. The water from her tears lowers and her crying stops. She removes herself from the fetal position and wipes her eyes with her boney hands. She smiles grimly at me with a fully belly because she's okay.
She's got what she's wanted.
Me.
----
I take one too many tequila shots, followed by 6 too many little white pills, followed by 4 too many devilish white lines.
I follow one after the other because the second I'm not doing it is more time spent thinking about the monstrous world I was born into. If I stop moving, reality sets back in and digs it's way into my bones forcing me to listen to it. Everyone demands my attention. My addict, my reality, the truth, my mother, Ty, Lip. Everyone pushes and pulls and right now? Right now I'm focusing on myself. Right now, I'm demanding my attention.
And my attention calls for voidance.
The music is deafening, the room lights up with different colors, people swing their hips to the music and smoke their weed. The stench of beer and cigarettes fill the room and the floor is covered with red solo cups and bottles. People push against one another to get around and boys fight in the kitchen. The room spins to the chaos that encloses us, stealing us away from the outside world. Even if it's just for a little, this is an escape. I'm escaped.
A lazy arm falls over my shoulder and shakes my whole body, "Cassie, Tony brought some new shit. He said it's really good and I won't be able to feel my face. Come on."
Her giggle surrounds me from all directions and I can't find the source of it. I see blurs and colors splotches. I see squiggles and squares and triangles. I see stars and comets but I don't see Renee. It causes a giggle to course through my body as she begs me to go to her room with her and these hidden dark figures behind her.
She tells me the shit is legit and that Tony cut it up special, just for her. She wants me to go, she begs, she cries, she screams. She pushes, she prods, she stabs. I spin and I spin, desperate for air. I need air.
I push past the girl with broken morals and run out the door as it feels like air is being pulled from my body. Heat rushes to my burning face and my teeth begin to hurt. My nose is on fire and feels drier than the desert. My skin feels crawly and itchy and I swear I see a bug but I know it's not really there.
I don't know how but I make it down the stairs of the hotel and out the back. The world begins to spin and fear strikes inside my body as I realize I don't know exactly where I am. The air is cold and thick and the night is darker than dark.
I vomit.
Next thing I know, my phone is pressed against my ear and there's a ringing on the other end.
5 rings, "Hello?"
Instantly my eyes well up with hot tears and water fills my throat, "I don't want to be alone."
"What? Cash?" I hear the worried voice speak to me like an angel.
Tears strip down my face and I sob, "I don't want to be alone, please don't leave me alone."
My back finds the cold brick wall behind me and I slide down like all my tears and pride. My heart is pounding against my ribs, making them feel like they could crack at any moment. My stomach does flips that make me want to scream but I can't because my lungs are pushing themselves up my throat. Everything is dysfunctional and all I can do is cry.
I lost him. I lost the man who was supposed to mean more to me than he did.
I pull my knees to my chest, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry."
"Hold up, guys quiet," The faint voice calls, "Wait, where are you? What the fuck is going on?"
I place my head on my knees and cry more, "Please, I need you. I can't do this without you. Please, please, please."
At this point I don't know if I'm talking to him, or my father. My father.
The voices on the other end are loud and laughing, like they're at their very own party. The person on the other end doesn't speak though, he's silent. He's quiet in a world around me that's so loud and chaotic. A world that's so destructed and disgusting. A world filled with disgrace.
My hands begin to shake and more tears fall harder than before, "Please..." I plead one last time, not really sure of what I'm pleading for. Him or my father?
He's quiet before speaking, "Don't move, I'm on my way."
I breathe in largely filled with relief, "Thank you."
With my back pinned to the wall, I drop my sorry excuse for a phone and wallow in high feelings and shaky limbs. My eyes begin to hurt and demand a rest. With heavy feelings and scary thoughts, I close my eyes and wait for the angel.
----
You killed him, she seethes through her teeth.
Her hands are gripping at my innocence and chocking them out with every resentment and every hurt. Her fingers dig into my heart and crush everything good about my memories. She twists my pride and spits on it like it's a grave. His grave.
You killed him and you have to live with that, she cackles, all by yourself.
Remember, she smirks, I'm all you've got.
And with her last remark, my addict bites into my persona.
"Shit," A whisper, "Cash?"
My body feels like a rock. I feel like I've been glued to the brick wall while it slowly grows around me, making me one with it. My limbs feel stuck tight around my body and my ass is planted to the ground like I was sewn to it. My finger nails are digging into my arms and my teeth are chattering as fast as the beating in my chest. I know I should feel cold, but I don't. I feel grey.
My glued eyes pry open and that's when I see him. There's a light off to the side of him that cuts out his silhouette like a perfect painting. All the blacks and greys bring out the shapes of his arms and his jawbone, intensifying the perfect human being that is kneeling in front of me with a tie wrapped around his neck. The beautiful boy touches my arm slowly but it's still all a blur. I hear him take in a sharp breath before his hands move to take off his suit jacket. Warmth instantly rushes through my body as he wraps it around my front.
He moves closer to me and cups my cheeks in his warm hands, "Come on, Cash, you have to stand."
I feel water fall down my eyes slowly, "You're not going to leave me?" My voice comes out taking me by surprise because it sounds foreign. It sounds like glass shattering against my chords. It's broken.
I blink a few times, causing my vision to clear. Lip's face resembles a sunset. All the different shades of red that cover from his cheeks, to his nose, down to his perfect lips. His eyebrows are drawn in and his lips are bent in a way of sadness and disappointment. It's like someone just ran over his dog. Or worse, me.
"Can you walk?" He grips both sides of my arms and looks into my eyes.
I'm afraid to move because I don't want to scare him away so I nod softly, not taking my eyes off of him.
The spinning has stopped but my body feels like it got ran over by a semi-truck. I feel pain in my shoulders, in my chest, in my legs, and in my ears. Everything hurts and when I breathe it feels like it could be my last.
"Where's your stuff?" He asks in a low, serious tone.
I continue to stare into his clear blue eyes that speak of intelligence and wisdom. I'm afraid of even breathing around him because he might float away. He'll disappear and I'll be left here in the alleyway like dirt.
"Cash!" He yells, sending a shock wave through my body.
I lick my dried cracked lips and nod up to the hotel. I've got a death grip on his warm coat that smells of candle smoke and coffee.
He lets out a sad sigh before gripping my shoulder and pulling me next to him, "Come on."
The angel holds me closely against his side, taking my coldness and turning into heat like a superhero. His grab on me is tight but careful as we take each step to the elevator and up to my floor. I whisper to him when he asks any question and he gives me disappointing looks.
As we exit the elevator he rubs his hands up my shoulders, "You're freezing." His tone of voice causes pain throughout my chest because he sounds shaky.
"He's gone," I whisper, lowly, hoping he doesn't ask for more.
His blue eyes look at me, quizzically before his eyebrows rise and his mouth slightly opens. He nods. He gets it. With softness and regret, he places a light kiss at the top of my head that touches more than my skull, it travels it's way to my beating heart and fills it with remorse and old love.
I look up at him with heavy eyes and he helps me adjust his jacket, putting each of my arms into the sleeves and wrapping the excess clothe around me like a little burrito.
I point us to the direction of the room with shaky hands and broken tones. As I adjust his coat I feel something small and cool against the lapel. My cold hands adjust the lapel to get a view of the pin that's poked into the soft material. Greek letters means he's been pinned, bringing me back to reality.
Before we take another step, Lip stops and stands in front of me with tired under his eyes and pain in his mouth. He looks at me with regret and sadness. The same way he used to look at Frank and Monica when they were out of their minds. The same way he looked at Fiona when they were faced with the truth about what she did to Liam. He looks at me like a monster.
He opens his mouth, "It's like I don't know you are anymore, Cash."
Honesty hits like a bullet.
Words fly straight into my heart, "You never did," I whisper.
I feel more tears well up like lava and all I want to do is crawl into a hole and hide from the mess I've created of myself and the people around me. I'm a disaster.
He places his hands on both sides of my face, forcing me to look at him.
"You promised me," He says in a broken tone filled with hate.
I squeeze my eyes shut and sob, "I don't know how to stop it."
"Stop what? Doing drugs?" He raises his voice, uncaring for the people sleep in their rich beds and cotton sheets.
"No!" I scream, "The voices! All the voices telling me that I'm broken. All the voices that tell me that I'm nothing but chaos and damage. I just want it all to stop. I want her to stop!" The honesty comes out like I've been holding it in for ages. It flies out my chest and straight into Lip's ears.
The addict smirks at me, Good luck with that.
"Who?" He says in a low voice.
I open my watery eyes and truly see how much I've hurt him. You can see it in the redness that surrounds his eyes. You can see it in the wrinkles in his forehead. You can see it in the messiness of his hair. I can see it. All of it.
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry," I mutter as more tears fall and my heart breaks. I cry from the pit of my stomach and the depths of my heart because it's true. I'm sorry.
"Shh," He shushes as he pulls me by my arms, embracing me in his warm arms, "It's gonna be okay. I'm right here."
The boy who might just love me unconditionally continues to whisper sweet nothings into my heart. He rocks me slightly and holds me by the back of my head pushing me farther into his chest. I want nothing more for him to engulf me into his being so maybe then I could rest.
"Don't leave me," I mumble against the damp spot I've created on his white button-up.
He runs his hand over the back of my head in a soothing way, "I'm not going anywhere."
With shaky hands and rapid heart beats, Lip holds me and I feel like I'm doing more damage than repairing.
What I'm putting him through is something that I never thought I would do. What I'm doing to him right now is what Frank and Monica put him through for years. I've trapped him in more misery and pain than love and acceptance. I'm enabling him by trapping him into a world that he wants to escape.
He's staying with the addict.
He's my prisoner.
And I need to let him go.
Before he lets me go.
The addict.
-----
This was a hard one to write but I did it. Excuse me while I go cry. Please let me know what you guys think. I'll try and update again soon.
Thank you for everything.
xo