STEF POV
" I don't know love. It's awfully big." I said looking around at the three bedroom apartment as Lena and I had looked at almost 10 places in the last week and it was making me more cranky then anything.
"I don't think we can ever get too big honey. We are on top of each other now so anything will look bigger then what we have."
"I don't know it cost a good amount."
"Honey we can afford it. Between the both of us we make a good enough income."
"I know but.."
"But what love? It's close to Anchor Beach, it's close to your job. The kids can walk even. What is it Stef?" She said as I walked out onto the balcony that overlooked a beautiful tree lined neighborhood with houses I could only dream of living in. I could see each one had a big backyard and driveways big enough for three and four cars. There were kids playing in the street with some basketball hoops and some roller skating down the block. It was something I so badly wanted to give my son again for loosing our house in the divorce had been a pretty painful thing and a failure on my part. One I had not forgiven myself for. Realistically, I knew with Lena and I both just getting out of divorces which had left us in somewhat of a financial mess, well me more then her, we were in no position to buy a house or even think about it. But I guess no one could stop me for dreaming about it.
Jude was only three years old when Mike and I bought the house on Cherry Street. It wasn't anything massive but it was ours and it took us three years to save for it and we loved it. I'd say I loved it more then my marriage and I was hoping to raise my son in that house, to see him grow tall, to bring his dates over and to build memories with him. I never wanted him to be cramped in some apartment on a pullout. Never and I sometimes wondered how much he was suffering because of that. Because of me spreading myself so thin and giving most of my attention to our girls when I knew my son needed me just as much.
The day we packed everything up on Cherry Lane I had tried to hold it together for him. I had tried to be my strongest but I had broken down unaware that he had seen me.
FLASHBACK
"Love make sure we have everything packed up from the kitchen. I'm just going to give the bedrooms one last look. Ok sweets?"
"Sure mom." He smiled taping one of the boxes up as I walked upstairs feeling more tired then ever. Looking around at the empty hallway I took one last look in my bedroom. A bedroom that carried more feelings then I would have liked to admit and a room that had seen me at my worst and at my best. These walls if they could talk would remind me of every single nasty fight Mike and I had, every name I had called him and every name he had called me, every tear I had shed over how miserable I had become, over how heartbroken I felt by the fact that I was hiding who my son really was from his father. But they would also remind me of the laughter Mike and I once had, and of the love making that was ok at one point, or the many times Jude had jumped in the bed with me in the middle of the night terrified of a storm or a bad dream. Shaking my head at the thoughts I walked into my baby boys room seeing his growth chart I made on the door frame when he was just three. Touching each mark with my fingers I could feel the tears begin to swell in my eyes because of what I was taking away from my son. That I had ruined his life because I couldn't suck up being married to his father. That I couldn't keep up enough with the mortgage payments and that I should have worked more overtime. But it was impossible. Maintaining this house and all it entailed, plus the amount of debt Mike left me in was impossible on my income alone. It was and it was my fault for not realizing that sooner. There however was no way I could remain in that marriage, and remain in a marriage where a father did not accept his son, or threaten to beat him because he was something he didn't want him to be. I couldn't do it and I never would as I suddenly found myself crying harder then ever as I slide down the wall sitting on the floor. Putting my head into my heads the tears just kept falling as I cried out the guilt, cried out the pain and cried out the misery I had been feeling the last few years. There was only so much I could take before I cracked and before my own walls would come crashing. The last thing I ever wanted to do was fail my son, or wreck his childhood. I just wanted him to be happy, to be safe, and to live the life he deserved. That was all I wanted always and forever as I could not get the tears to stop falling but soon feeling someone wrap their arms around me.
"It's ok mom. Don't cry. It's ok." he said softly as I lifted my head up seeing Jude look at me with the most concerned expression ever. I never meant for him to see me like this for I was the one that was supposed to comfort him. Never the other way around.
"Oh baby I'm sorry I thought you were downstairs." I said wiping my tears.
"I was but I came to check on you. Are you ok?"
"Yeah I'm fine baby."
"You don't seem like it to me."
His arm remained around me with his other holding my hand as I tired so hard to hold back anymore more tears that I felt trying to escape me. Avoiding his young eyes was something I was trying to do but I looked back into them as his face remained worried.
"No sweetheart I'm ok."
"Mom it's ok. You can cry about it I know your upset about having to move. But I don't care. As long as we are together that's all I need. You're an awesome mom and my best friend and I love you. I know I'm only 11 but you can cry mom. It's ok."
With those words I couldn't hold it in even if I wanted to for the tears fell once again and I leaned into my son as he wrapped both arms around me hugging me harder then ever.
"It's ok mom. We will be alright. We will."
"I'm sorry Jude. I'm so sorry baby."
"It's ok. It's ok mom." he whispered as I felt him kiss the top of my head as I hugged him even harder.
FLASHBACK ENDS
"Baby what is it?" I soon felt Lena come up behind me wrapping her arms around my waist as I let out a sigh.
"I just want to give you all more then this." I said now turning around to face her as she looked concerned at me.
"More then what honey?"
"More then this. I want to give you a big bedroom with our own bathroom so that we can have the privacy we need and make love whenever we want. I want to give you a big kitchen to cook in because I know how much you would love that. I want to give Mariana a larger room and backyard to practice her dancing and cheering and whatever else she does. And I want to give Callie one of those garages that those houses have down there to practice her guitar. I want to give Jude the space he needs to become the man he's growing into be and the room he needs to get away from all the women he lives with. This apartment and none of those apartments are that. It's not what I want for our family baby. It's not."
"Stef, baby, I know honey, I know you want to give us those things but we don't need that. This is fine for us. It is baby. I mean look how much we love our two bedroom and how many memories we have there. We became a family there and we can make just as many here and when things settle more for us financially maybe we can get a house one day. But even if we don't who cares. All that matters is that we have each other, that the kids have us, and that I have you. Stef, I don't want this life without you. And I would live in cardboard box with you, I would live in tent, I don't care baby. I don't. You my love are all I need. And all those kids need." Tears began to fill my eyes as she cupped my cheek with her hand looking more intense then ever at me. "You don't have to be the one that always takes care of everything or that has to feel responsible for us honey. Let me have some of it. Please."
"I can try."
"Ok. Please baby. Because I can guarantee you the kids will be fine. I will be fine. Jude will be fine. He knows you love him. He does. "
"I hope so. I hope he does."
"Stef, he knows. He's your baby boy and always will be."
"That he is Lena. That he is." I said as I now saw him run outside to us as he had been checking out the apartment as well.
"Moms this place is pretty cool." He said now standing by my side and looking down the balcony as Lena let out a smile at me.
"I'm going to go check out the bathroom again." she said smiling at me as I now stood turned around and wraped my arm around my son.
"Yeah baby? It's cool?"
"Yeah. It's pretty nice actually. I don't mind it. The bedrooms are nice and bigger then the one's we have now."
"Love, I 'm sorry you're in the living room I..
"Mom it's ok. Seriously. I know its until we get a bigger place. It's no big deal."
"I just don't want you to feel like I'm pushing you to the side or something honey. I never want you to feel that way."
"I don't mom. Honest. You and I still spend time together a lot and when we don't I spend time with Mama. Plus like I said I like having Callie and Mariana around even if they get moody and weird."
I could only laugh for he was very much right. Those two could give you a migraine.
"You are right about that." I said squeezing him in tighter to me. "You see those houses down there baby?"
"Yeah. The ones with the pretty lawns."
"I'm going to get you that one day again. I promise." I said kissing the side of his face.
"You're so awesome mom. You are. I Hope I'm as strong as you one day."
"I think you have surpassed that honey. You are pretty strong my boy and don't you ever, ever forget that."