29
Alyssa never skips work on Monday. So when she phoned Rina and told her she could not be in the office to join the team, it came absurd to her assistant. Alyssa would always come, healthy or not. It was even more absurd that Alyssa would allow herself to miss the second quarter meeting.
Alyssa was in no state to function. She went home just before the sun rose from the east. She was disoriented, pathetic and desperate. She needed to see Dennise. So she called her and pleaded that she come and see her at once. Alyssa sounded urgent over the phone and it worried Dennise that she would not state her exact reasons.
After two more hours of agonizing, Alyssa threw herself at Dennise who barely just had stepped inside her unit.
"Den," she firmly enclosed Dennise in her arms. She breathed in her scent and made sure she had it memorized. "I missed you."
"What's wrong, Alyssa?"
"I just missed you."
"There's no emergency?" Dennise rubbed her girlfriend's back to let her know that everything was okay now that she was already with her. "Will you let me in first?"
"Of course," Alyssa smiled. She took Den's bag and her hand in the other. Dennise tipped her head to the side in confusion. "What?"
"You're holding my hand." Dennise gaze thoughtfully at their hands. "I won't go anywhere, Ly."
"I missed you this much, ayokong bitawan ka even for a second." Alyssa squeezed her hand lightly. "Now, come on. I'll fix our breakfast."
"Is everything really okay, hon? You look like mess. Did you even sleep?"
The sharp pang of guilt pummeled her chest. She averted her gaze somewhere and even if she already has decided of letting Dennise know where she stayed for the weekend, in the last minute, she figured she could not let her know. She could not bring herself to be honest with her even if they promised that no matter what, they will remain honest.
"It hurts to sleep."
"Why?"
"It hurts to sleep alone." Alyssa conjured all her remaining strength to pose a smile.
"You've been crying, Alyssa." Dennise mused.
"Den, I am okay. And you know what else I am right now?" Alyssa breathed out for a dramatic pause. "I'm hungry."
Dennise jabbed her grumbling stomach playfully. "Let's cook then."
After their breakfast and a cold shower, they settled in bed and agreed to watch a good movie Alyssa picked out. But they were not even halfway through when Alyssa felt her eyelids heavy. It did not help that Dennise was playing with her hair. The last thing she remembered was her girlfriend's eyes- which also were the first hues that she saw.
"Wimp." Dennise pushed the tip of her nose. "You fell asleep."
"No shit?" Alyssa grinned before Dennise gave her side a pinch. "Ouch."
"Words, Alyssa. And can you move off my arm, hon kasi I think my arm just went dead. Hindi ko na ramdam."
"Hala, sorry! You should have moved me!"
"Edi nagising ka. I was watching you more than the movie, you should be happy."
"I am happy," Alyssa claimed.
"With me?" Den's quip elicited a humorless laugh from Alyssa.
Alyssa did not answer. She did not think she even had to answer. They had late lunch and spent the rest of the afternoon being idle before Dennise revealed that she booked a table for two to make up for the cancelled date with Alyssa.
"It's not as bongga as a suite reservation in Raffles pero let me take you out." Dennise said, admiring the white jacquard sleeveless teamed with slim fit trousers of her girlfriend. She almost complained as to why Alyssa decided to wear something that would make her taller as if she needed more height. "Should we go?"
Alyssa gladly filled the gaps of Den's hand with hers.
The dinner went exactly like how every dinner date they shared was. What made it more special and different was that their conversations were reminiscent of their first few months together. It almost felt too distant for Alyssa. So many things happened between the time Laura left and now that she's back, it seemed like the Earth was spinning faster on her feet.
Laura.
She was not supposed to think of Laura.
"-and I know you dislike wearing eyeglass but Den, you should know na you look so adorable when you have them..." Alyssa was saying as they walk back to Den's car. Dennise was in tow, listening. "Den, remember the ramen house we frequent in West Ave? They're closing na raw next month kaya we better indulge ourselves with a bowl."
"Hmm, okay." Dennise quietly walked behind her.
"How's Myco's sister pala? Birthday niya last week, 'di ba? We should visit her uli."
"We should."
"Also, please remind me pala to set an appointment with the agent. Hindi mo pa nac-check 'yung prospect house and lot sa-"
"Alyssa."
"Yep?" Alyssa unlocked the car. She pulled open the door near the shotgun seat for Dennise.
"Alyssa, let's break up."
Alyssa nudged the door close again. She kept her hand on the car and her back against Dennise. "I think I misheard you, hon. What is it?"
"Let us break up," Dennise repeated faintly.
"Why?" Alyssa turned around to see her girlfriend's stern face. Her eyes began to water and her chest started to painfully contract. She lost her breathing for a moment as she stared at the eyes in front of her. "W-why, Den?"
She was stupid to ask. She knew well why. She was unworthy and undeserving of Dennise. She knew it would come to this. The people she loves leave her. It happened with Laura. Dennise was no exception.
Dennise gave up on her and Alyssa knew she had every reason to.
She started crying. Every since Laura left her, Alyssa had learned to ready herself for this. She never got too attached with any other girl that followed Laura. There was no break ups since she was never committed to anyone. There was nothing to break because her heart was always guarded. If anything, it was her who broke hearts. The short period of time she shared with Dennise was not bad.
Alyssa wanted to believe it was not bad at all, that she could just forget her like how she forgot all the girls she dated before the moment they called it quits. She wanted to believe she could do it. She has prepared herself for this. She wanted to be smiling at her. She did not want to look pathetic. She wanted to walk away unaffected. But how the hell could she when her heart failed her.
It was different with Dennise She allowed herself to commit with her. She promised not to break her heart. She loved her and now that Dennise has given up on her, Alyssa was breaking. The tears would not stop falling so Alyssa cried it all out, blurring the vision of Dennise.
Dennise watched as she cried, not saying a single thing. She watched as Alyssa struggled to squeeze air from her lungs. She watched as Alyssa dropped to her knees.
"Alyssa, get up."
"Please don't do this, Dennise." She hugged Den's legs.
"Alyssa, please get up now."
When Alyssa did not budge, Dennise brought herself on her knees too to keep Alyssa together.
"Dennise, please don't do this. I love you so much. I am sorry. I am sorry, Den." Her words were stuttering and were almost inaudible. Her voice, too, was giving up on her. "Please don't give up on me, Dennise."
It was a pathetic attempt but Alyssa could not care less. Just when she decided to right her wrongs, Dennise was giving up on her. It was Dennise who was there when Alyssa was saving herself. It is with Dennise that she is most loved.
"I have been selfish but I'll do better, Den. Please, just don't do this."
"Shh, stop crying."
Alyssa leaned her back against the car. The pavement was rough on her knees but her body seemed to have gone numbed from the pain. She pulled Dennise against her and anchored herself on her shoulder. Her tears fell freely on Den's hair.
"Please, don't."
"You're such a baby, Ly." Dennise managed to chuckle. She wrapped her arms around the other tightly, believing somehow she could take some more of the pain off her.
"Den, please don't do this. I love you so much, Dennise. Please, don't do this." She begged and she meant it.
"It's okay."
"It's not okay! It's not okay for me."
"I didn't mean it," Dennise swallowed the lump in her throat. "I didn't mean it, Ly."
"What?"
"I just did not want to be selfish. It was me. I cannot let myself get in the way of your happiness. I love you so much, Alyssa and I cannot see you hurting. I cannot hear you lying, Ly para lang hindi mo ako masaktan. But I know, Alyssa. And I love you still even when you're not being completely honest with me. Please understand, Ly. It hurts to hurt someone you love, doesn't it? I also know. Hindi lang ikaw. This is hurting me too, so much but it is for you. I will take it for you. This is the last time you will be hurting, Alyssa, then go, love her again. And don't worry about me. If we break up, you won't have to worry about me. I will be devastated but I'll be okay. I can take it and I just need you to be okay."
"What, Dennise?"
"I want to give you a chance, Ly. I want to end things this way-ngayong maiintindihan ko at matatanggap ko."
"I don't want to! Please, please stop this. Say you never mean that."
"I don't."
"You're not breaking up with me?"
Dennise kissed her forehead.
"Are you staying with me?"
"I am begging you to stay with me," Alyssa breathed. "Please do. I am sorry. It's all my fault. It's all on me."
"Alyssa, don't blame yourself. I understand."
"Then don't take it upon yourself either, Den. This is my fault. Neither yours nor ours. This is all my fault." Alyssa quivered.
"But that's what I do, Ly. I will take it for you. I will be okay. Hangga't kaya ko pa, I know I will be okay." Dennise promised. She pulled away and used her thumb to dry Alyssa's tears. "Just let me. You just have to let me be there for you."
The next morning, Alyssa called in sick. She had to use her nasal voice to convince Kim that she caught a flu. She was acting over the phone while Dennise was glaring at her disapprovingly.
"They might need you there." Dennise pointed out.
"I need to be here with you," Alyssa quipped playfully. She held the sheets against her bareness.
"Hey, Den."
"Uhm?" Dennise yawned.
"We're still together, right?" Dennise lazily nodded. "You love me?"
"So much," Dennise answered.
"I'm really sorry, Den." Alyssa flashed her a lonely smile.
"Hey, cheer up." Dennise pulled her cheeks.
"What have I done to deserve you?" Alyssa cupped her girlfriend's face and then she asked herself again, "What have I done?"
On Wednesday, Alyssa showed up in the office much to the relief of the team. Her back was already aching from the loads of paper works that she needed to finish; that was one thing. At 10 am, she joined Mika in a meeting with their suppliers. She was back in the office for lunch with Dennise.
"You saw my note sa ref?" Alyssa greeted her girlfriend with a kiss. "Sorry, Den. Hassle ba?"
"Don't mind. Sit down, hon." Dennise served her the sinigang na hipon and rice. "Wala rin naman akong kasama roon."
"Pero nag-breakfast ka, ha? Sorry, hon. I needed to be early eh."
"I said don't mind, hon. Kinuha ko na 'yung laundry, ha. H'wag mo nang daanan. I will pay the bills later so h'wag mo nang problemahin 'yun."
"How about the kid?"
"The kid?"
"Did you send the kid to his school na?" Alyssa could not help but to grin. Dennise realized what she was saying.
"You want a boy?"
"Kahit ano, as long as it's ours." Dennise blushed. She tried to hide the smile that was lingering on her lips. Alyssa rested her chin on her palm, watching Dennise struggling to keep a straight face. "You're making funny faces, hon. I will assume na maasim talaga 'tong sinigang."
"I want three," Dennise mumbled.
"Ano 'yun?"
"Sabi ko, gusto ko ng tatlo. And puppies. It will be perfect." She looked at Alyssa wishfully. "But yeah, anything will be perfect with you."
"God, I love you." Alyssa sighed and Dennise did not have to answer. Alyssa knows it already.
Alyssa made a brief glance at her phone. One message received. Of course, it was from her. She has been sending her text messages.
"Grapes, hon?" Dennise offered. She waited for Alyssa to answer. "Aly?"
"I'm good, hon. Thank you." Alyssa ignored the message. She tucked her phone back in her pocket.
Not soon after, her phone sounded a notification. She drew it out and checked.
I am guessing you're busy?
"Is something wrong, hon?" Dennise raised her eyebrows in concern.
"Wala. It's just the agent asking me when we'll have the house tripping. Kinukulit ako na magreserve na eh." Alyssa dismissed.
"What time will you be home?"
"Uhm, I'll OT. Dito na ako kakain tonight, Den. Sorry. Bawi ako."
"No problem, Ly. Just don't overwork yourself."
After walking Dennise to her car, Alyssa took her phone out again.
Ly, I miss you. When will I see you again?
Alyssa took a deep breath and exhaled it all out before she typed in her reply.
Tonight, Laura.
Alyssa was hesitant to ring the door bell. She did not rehearse the words she needed to say. She did not search for the best words to at least cushion it for her. She knew she just had to say it in the most straightforward way.
"Ly! Wow, you're earlier than I expected." Laura welcomed her enthusiastically. She stole a kiss on her lips and almost took another one if Alyssa did not tipped her head to the side.
"Sorry, Lau. I am tired."
"And hungry? I cooked." Laura took Alyssa's blazer off her and beckoned her to the dining area where the dinner was already served. She popped the wine cork and poured some in their glasses.
"You cut your finger." Alyssa noticed, taking Laura's hand closer for inspection.
"Yup. I thought I would run out of time eh since this is my second attempt. The first one found its way to the trash bin."
"Be careful, Laura."
"Don't worry. Let's eat? I think I did okay on this one but the next time I cook for you, I'll perfect it na."
"There will be no next time, Laura." Alyssa clarified. This was not the best moment to let her know but she got to do it quick. She did not want to give false hope to the girl across her. "Lau, I came here to say I cannot see you anymore. Ayoko nang saktan si Den."
"You're not hurting her, Alyssa. She's hurting because she loves you."
"And I don't like it that she's hurting because I love her, Laura."
Laura blinked some tears.
"I am sorry, Laura. It would have been different if only I was assured. But I was not, Lau. You left, that I understood. Pero hindi 'yung wala kang pasabi. Kinalimutan mong may naghihintay sayo rito. Why, did you even try?" Alyssa continued.
Den was right. It hurts to hurt someone you love but she has to do this.
"Dennise was there for me. It was hell when you left and I was lost and hopeless but Den was there for me. I am sorry, Laura. I loved you, I did but that was then. And I know I will still love you but it is with Dennise that I want a future with. I am sorry. This never was ours. I am not letting you go now, Laura because I already did when I loved her." Alyssa finished. She put the weight of her hand on top of Laura's and gave it a little squeeze.
Laura did not know what to say and in the end, did not say anything at all. Instead, Laura silently cried in front of her.
"I am leaving. I am sorry for this," Alyssa gestured at the table. "Lau, please look at me."
Laura did not stir. Her eyes were fixed on her clasped hands.
"I am sorry, Laura." Alyssa reached for her blazer and bag. She was worried about Laura as she gave her one last glance before she closed the door after her. And Alyssa did not know that she, too, had been holding back her tears until her eyes gave in to her emotions.
NOTE:
I AM NOT EXACTLY SOBER KAYA DI NA AKO MAGSISIPAG NA AYUSIN TO HAHAHA TGIF EVERYONE. PARA PO ITO KAY thenameisbitter HAHAHA FEELING KO KASI IPAPAKULAM NA NIYA AKO HAHAHA CHAROT
WAG KAYONG UMASA SA CHAPTER NA TO. BYEEEEEEEEEEEEE.