When I mentioned to Nathan that I was going to call and text him everyday, I wasn't joking. Two weeks had already passed, and I was pretty sure that there wasn't a day gone by in which I didn't send him at least 5 texts or call him at least once.
The boys went to London to do an interview and photoshoot with Fabulous magazine, and other than that, they started to record the new album. The last thing really did get me excited, since I was a big follower of the group and I wanted to listen to new music, even though it hasn't been that long since they released a new single. I asked Nathan about that topic, for which he answered: —We're now just focusing on writing new songs. We've been doing certain arrangements to songs we had recorded before and maybe one of them can be the new single of the album. We're not so sure. There's still a lot of work to do.
I didn't keep on with the questions, because like I told him almost a year ago, I wanted to know the same things the fans knew, without the exclusiveness. Though, now that I'm thinking about it, I'm going to work with them and it's going to be hard to avoid not knowing anything new, right?
Nathan also told me that they were going to Los Angeles to do a performance on The Voice and to shoot the Chasing The Sun video. After that, they would go to Las Vegas to do a small gig on the 10ak Nightclub and to sing on the Billboard Awards. I sat for a moment and started to think how weird it was being able to say that I was going out with him. I mean, probably in this exact same instant there are thousands of girls —and, who knows? maybe boys too— thinking about Nathan Sykes. It was also pretty weird knowing that he was a world-class celebrity, who was on Hollywood's A-List, and that he had the opportunity to sing on some awards that I can barely watch on TV thanks to cable. Yes, I always had on account that he was famous, but thinking about it deeply made me realize that it was real, and that it was happening.
I told him that meanwhile here in Cambridge, the preparations for the Big Marathon in aid of Harvard's Faculty of Arts were almost complete. It was going to be on Saturday, May 19th, i.e, next week, and it was going to cover something like 4 miles. It began at the intersection of the Alewife Brook Parkway with Massachusetts Avenue and ended at the 2A exit of the Memorial Drive. I was not very familiar with the exact route as I was not organizing the event, but I was sure that at some point they were going to walk pass the university.
I had met with the team treasurers and the group of people that was planning the marathon to talk about money and things related to the subject, and I wasn't much surprised when Justin —part of the group that organizes the marathon— told us that, he fought trying to find free things we could us for the event (being for charity and all that), but that it had been very difficult, so they ended up spending some of the money we had already won. Melanie, the chief treasurer, was not very happy about it at first, because now we had to win almost the double amount of what we needed before, but in the end we all understood.
Marcus and Melanie had seen the winnings of marathons that had been made in the city before, and they said that the amounts were exorbitant in some cases, earning sometimes even millions of dollars —but that was because the entries were very high. We had decided to leave the entries as low as we could, so we left it at 5.50$ each. I am not good at managing money, so I couldn't comment on almost anything. The treasurers told us they saw that this was going to go very well and were confident that we would win enough money from the marathon.
Anyway, we all really had our hopes up for the event, because that was basically all that was left to us, because the year was going to end and soon we were going to go on vacation, and we really needed to know if we could go back or not, because we had to look for other universities and related things. The truth was that I needed to thank Roxanne for the great idea she gave us.
Speaking of Roxanne, I had been accompanying her to bring her resume until she found a part-time job at Starbucks in Harvard Square, and now she was there until about 8 pm, when her shift changed. Now that Josh was doing his internship of his last year and spent most of the day at the hospital as an intern, they had no time to hang out, which seemed such a shame to me because I really think that they are perfect together. So now, as Nathan was not here, and Josh also didn't have his girlfriend there for him, I would go to his room and spend time with him, of course, when he had the chance to return to the dorm because he almost always had to sleep in the hospital.
Today was one of those days where Josh had some free time so I decided to stop by in his room to see how he was doing.
—Hey, what's up? —I said as he opened the door and hugged me.
—Wow, I'm tired. That's all I'm going to say.
Josh was one of the lucky ones who didn't have to share a room with someone —not that I don't like to share a room, but we have to admit that this is more comfortable. Well, yes he should, but it turns out that he hasn't been reassigned a new roommate since his partner was transferred to MIT. Now, his room is unusually large and rare, it took place even for a small sofa glued to the side of the wall, facing towards a flat screen TV that I think had been a gift from his older brother or his parents, I don't remember very well.
I walked pass him and snort. —You might be tired, but never so exhausted as to refuse my offer.
He turned and frowned. —What deal?
—Let's play with your Playstation. Please.
He laughed and ran his hand through his mouth. —I knew that you visited me only because you were interested in something.
—Come on, I bet you never use it. You have no one to share it with.
His eyes narrowed as he saw me. —Okay, you're right. But I choose the game we're going to play.
—I have no problem with that.
I sat on his couch and left my phone aside while Josh turned on the TV and Playstation. Actually, I had always loved video games, but in recent years I had been distancing them because they reminded me so much of my brother, who loved to play them.
Josh gave me a game controller as he sat next to me, making the sofa sink. The screen lit up and then I noticed that we were going to play Call Of Duty: Black Ops II. The game didn't matter to me at all, I just wanted to think of anything but how much I missed Nathan.
—And, how are things at Mount Auburn? —I asked as he put the game mode and other settings.
—Well, these last days the emergency room has been filled. Two nights ago there was an accident involving about 5 cars and the wounded, well, they were pretty wounded. Oh, and the other day we got this man, who was doing carpentry work and he accidentally opened his stomach with a chainsaw and—
—Okay, I get it. I don't see the need to try to make me vomit.
—I do it because I know you do not like it one bit. —He smiled mockingly.
—The truth is I don't know why Roxanne and you like medicine.
We didn't keep talking because we had already started with the game, and at first I did not know what to do, but slowly as Josh was explaining to me then yes, I could do what I had to.
We had been playing for like 2 hours when my phone rang. I quickly took it, answered the call and put it in my ear as I pressed my shoulder to keep it from falling. I kept playing. —Hello? —I said, but I didn't know who was calling and I had not seen the caller ID .
—Hello! —Nathan said on the other side of the line.
—Bad timing to call, eh .
Even though I was not looking, I could feel him frowning. —Why?
I smiled —I'm with Josh , we're playing.
—Oh okay, okay , send him greetings. How is he and Roxanne?
—Well, Josh began his internship and Roxanne got a job. So I'm spending time with him, because sometimes they cannot see each other. Hey, are you still in England or are you in LA already?
—No, we're going there—
—Shit! Josh! You were supposed to defend me!
—What? I was helping you! I didn't realize that they were going to attack you! —Josh said, pausing the game, raising his hands in the air, one with the control of the game.
—Shut up, liar. You just wanted to kill me. —I rolled my eyes but I saw him smiling from the corner of my eye. Stupid. —Sorry , Nathan. I didn't mean to interrupt. My game partner is an asshole.
In the other line, Nathan was laughing, which made me think that if he were here with Josh, they both would be lying on the floor dying of laughter. Men. They are all idiots. —No problem, no problem. We all get like that when we play video games. —In that I have to say, he was right.
I walked to the bedroom window, where I moved the curtain away and the last rays of the sun started to enter. There were a few students all returning to their dormitories. —Well, I'm sorry. What were you saying?
—Ah, yes. We're going to Los Angeles on Thursday this week. —I forgot what day it was, so I decided to look at my watch, when I realized it was just Sunday.
—Are they still in London?
—Yes. But Nano found a space on our agenda and we will have two days off. That means that I will probably go to Abbeydale.
Suddenly, my heart ached. —Really? Please say hello to my family for me. You know how much I miss them. —And now that I don't know if I am going to be able to go there in the summer because I had to work with the band, I missed them so much more.
He snorted. —Okay, I'll call them to say hi.
I kept talking to him about how he was doing and how the others were, when he started talking about a morning show that they had made the other morning.
—I need you to stay away from social media, specifically Twitter. —He told me.
—What are you talking about?
—Well, they asked us who was single. I'm pretty sure that only Jay and Max raised their hands.
—Wait, you mean that everybody knows now?
—Sooner or later they were going to find out, but yeah.
A small smile formed on my lips. —Okay. I never really use the social media anymore, so there's no need to worry.
—I'm being serious, I don't want you to get hurt.
—I promise I will not check anything. —there was a pause—. Wait, Jay and Max raised their hands?
—I know, I found it odd that Jay did. Do you know anything about him and Aubree?
—She hasn't said anything... Guess what they have is not serious, I don't know, just saying.
I spent another hour until I decided to go to the room, because Josh had to return to hospital. About half an hour after I have reached my room, Roxanne arrived, who looked very tired.
—How did it go?
—One more Frappuchino and I'll throw myself out the window.
I laughed. —Come on, you yourself told me you loved working there.
—I know, it's my favorite store and all, but work is work and it can become annoying.
—Josh told me he could see you tomorrow.
As if by magic, her face brightened. —Really? What time?
—He said he's leaving the hospital at 10am. He can see you after your second class, and he also told me he had the afternoon off, unless he's called for an emergency, but he also said it is highly unlikely, because another intern is going to be in the hospital all day.
—Cool. —she smiled—. I think I had never been so long without seeing him.
After that I took a shower and got into bed, because I was very sleepy, but I didn't sleep until I send a message to Nathan. I found it very tentative to get into Twitter to see what people were saying, but at the last moment I remembered I had made a promise, maybe it wasn't worth that much, but I didn't want to hurt myself by reading hateful comments.
I could have slept next to Nathan only once, but now the nights without him seemed strangely long and cold, as if my body was used to sleeping with him since I was born, and could not do under other circumstances. Yes, there were nights where I called him on Skype, and I put the computer next to me when I was lying on bed, and it felt like he was there with me, but it was not the same.
If you asked me a month ago if I ever saw myself missing someone so much that I felt in my bones, I would have laughed and refused. I guess this was the Ashley who didn't know what being in love truly meant, and didn't want to know either. This is the Ashley that does not belong to herself, but belongs to the people she loves, and, consequently, she's not able to live without the constant company. Something that scared me a lot, the conscious Ashley.
And suddenly life tricks you to fall in love. And love is pain, and love is suffering, and love is horror. But my God, I was in love with him and it was spectacular.
Monday was also very boring. The classes were the same as always, except that I had to start presenting my final exams, because I had asked permission to go on holiday on Sunday 20, i.e, the Sunday after the marathon, which was this weekend. Nano had already sent me the schedule of the tour, and it looked pretty exhausting. We were going to start with Los Angeles and we were going to cross the whole country from west to east, reaching Miami. He also said he did not know the exact day they were going to get to Los Angeles, where the first concert was, so I don't even know when I would see Nathan again. I, for my part, will leave that final Sunday to wait for them there in LA.
Tomorrow were my Planning and Production and Management finals, so I could not go and see Josh, and in fact I would not bother to do so since Roxanne had left the room to see him.
So I was left alone, and the first thing I did was take a bath and wear the most comfortable clothes I had to not feel stressed while studying: a pair of gray sweatpants and a shirt of a band I liked. I had picked up my hair in a messy bun and I was wearing my anti-reflection lenses, which I had to use while working with the laptop. I had my cup of coffee ready to take a sip whenever I felt sleepy.
It was about 4:30 when I was missing just a couple of chapters of both topics to finish studying, I was researching a doubt that had on the internet when someone started calling me on Skype. I noticed that it was Nathan, so I got up to find my earbuds and then answered the call.
The monitor lit up with a live picture of him. —Hey, can you see me? I don't know how this works... Hello?
While he talked the picture got slow and got stuck, so now I only saw a blinking Nathan, one eye closed and one open. I laughed. —What are you talking about?
—Can you hear me?
—Yes.
—Thank God. I thought I was not even connected.
—The only thing is that the image isn't very good. But that's not important.
—This computer... Wow. It must be my age. —he stopped playing with the webcam to adjust the image quality and finally smiled. —Hello.
For no apparent reason, my cheeks began to burn. How was it possible that he could make me blush with a simple greeting? —How have you been?
—Well—
—Wait a minute, —I interrupted him, frowning—. You are... In my house?
—In your room, actually —he corrected me and smiled mischievously.
—What....?
—What am I doing here? Well if I can recall, you told me to say hello to your family when I came here.
—And if I remember correctly, you said you'd call them. —I made a gesture with my hand, to dismiss the subject—. Anyway, don't you feel a little uncomfortable? You know, I'm not there ...
—Well actually your mom and mine get along very well. And I'm not here alone, my parents and Jess came.
—Our mothers get along? Since when do they know each other?
—Ashley, they always spoke when we had problems at school, did you forget that?
—Of course not , it's just that... I didn't think that they would get along since then. I mean, I thought she wouldn't fraternize with the enemy —I made a face, and then looked up from the keyboard while I laughed. But what a bad idea. I could only read one thing on Nathan's face: destroyed—. Oh... I didn't... I didn't mean that.
He looked away and rested his chin on his hand, a gesture that covered his lips. He swallowed before speaking. —It doesn't matter —he sighed—. Well, your room... —He looked around, all white walls, except one whose tone was a grayish blue, which had some Japanese cherry trees drawn on it. One wall was filled with clippings, photos and posters of rock bands, other with shelves full of books of different sizes and colors. To his right hand or my left, in this case, there was a small white cabinet where I kept my clothes on. On it, there was everything from small boxes of jewelry to CDs of several bands, and behind all that, there was a mirror. Toward one corner of the blue wall, there was a small blackboard, where it read in my hand script the words "United States: 0 days," something in which I had counted the days until moving to Miami to start my new life. It had already passed about 5 years of that, and maybe no one in my family had wanted to erase it.
—Your room is quite cozy. And, well, there are things here that reveal another part of you that I did not know you had, Ashley. —he wiggled his eyebrows.
I blushed. —Have you checked my room?
—I didn't know you liked romance novels that much...
—Have you checked my room or not? —I repeated, this time more aware of the heat that was in my cheeks.
—Your underwear, holy God—
—Nathan!
—Okay, I'm sorry. —he apologized, but there was still a small mischievous smile on his lips.
—How much have you seen? —okay, I didn't have to hide anything, but it had been a long time since I lived there and didn't know the kind of things that Nathan could see there. The truth is that I had forgotten the things I had left in England.
—I never said I checked your stuff. —he raised an eyebrow. I, for my part, gave him a poker face, I wasn't at all animated at that moment.
—Whatever.— I closed my eyes and sighed.—How is everyone else there?
—That's why I called you . So you could say hello to your family.
I smiled. —You're so cute.
He wrinkled his nose as his smiled. Moron, I thought. —Well, let me call them. I just hope this computer doesn't fall down as I go and get them. —he rose from his chair, leaving the screen alone.
Yes, I've always hated that computer. Mom didn't know a thing about technology so she could never take us out to buy a new one, and dad, since he was a doctor, was always away from home and had no time to go out with us. I always had to go to a cyber to do my work, which was neither pleasant nor comfortable.
After a couple of seconds, my mom appeared. The truth is that I didn't talk much with her —I've always had a better relationship with my father than with her—, but she ended up telling me that she and Karen, Nathan's mother, had always gotten along pretty well, but she never told me anything because she didn't want me to feel bad about it. I really didn't care. I told her about the marathon and she that said it was a good idea. She finally told me to send greetings from her to Roxanne and Josh, and I told her to call dad or James. She told me that my dad and Harry, Nathan's father, were talking, so she called James first.
The screen showed up a boy I almost didn't recognize. The last time I saw him had been almost a year ago, but he had grown up so much. —God, James ... — my voice broke.
—Hi Ash!
While I was talking to him I was on the verge of tears. I had always wanted a little brother, and he came when I was 8. I remember that I always used to take care of him and that I felt like his mother. He was my best friend. I'm sure that if he had known what I was going through with Nathan in secondary school, he would have helped me. I would never forget the way in which my heart broke when once I was going to take an antidepressant pill and inside of the pillbox I found a red Skittles, and when he looked at my surprised face, he came by and told me that he nothing made him happier than that candy. Every time I remembered that the tears started to fall.
What would he think if he were to find out that I was going out with Nathan? The person who used to hurt me?
I missed him, and I kept telling him he was too big. He kept repeating, "I know, I'm 11, you have to stop thinking that I am a child" but the truth is that I did not want him to grow up, because somehow, when he gets to be a teenager he's going to start dealing with all the betrayals, love, pain... I didn't want that to happen to him. He was so innocent, he doesn't even deserve it.
When I said goodbye, I told him to call my dad. With him was almost the same story. The tears almost started to fall when I saw him. The same as James, I couldn't recognize him. He was thinner, which made him look taller, and it worried me, because I started to think that maybe he wasn't eating well or that the food didn't provide him all the nutrients that he needed, since he was submitted to a high stress level. His hair was white at the roots, gray in the middle, and dark brown at the end. I didn't want him to continue aging. The lines on his face were deeper than before, and the way in which the bags under his eyes looked like in the white light of my room gave him a tired look. But his eyes were as blue and bright as ever, always glowing with enthusiasm, like a child.
I had always been jealous of his eyes. James also had them... Why not me?
It was almost a miracle that was home, he told me, as the chief of surgery of the emergency room of Stroud's General Hospital had given him the afternoon off.
— I miss you all. —I told him.
—I know. We miss you too.
—I don't know if I can visit you this year. Now that I'll be working with—
—With Nathan, yes, he told us. I hope you have a great time there. I know you've always wanted to tour America in a motorhome.
—But not while working.
He said nothing, however, he kept staring at the screen. A sweet little grin passed his lips, the kind that had characterized my childhood. —You've grown a lot. Look at your hair... Wow. I remember when you didn't have a single hair. Your nose... It's your mother's. And your eyes... Maybe you got them from your grandfather, but I can never be sure about that.
—Dad, stop.
He snorted softly. —I'm sorry. I just hope that he takes care of you well, that's all. You'll always be my little baby.
—Dad, seriously. You're going to make vomit.
Nathan suddenly entered the room, which made me wonder how much he had heard.
—It's... very nice to see you all together. I really want to be there with you, God, you don't know how much I want to be there with you, but... Well, meanwhile here in Cambridge, I'm studying for finals. —I did the best fake smile I could.
They both smiled at the other side, and I could not help but to think for a moment that that was one of the most beautiful things I had seen in my life, very simple and easy it was: the two men that I loved most in my life together, getting along with each other.
—Well, honey, I think I'll let you talk to him —my father stood up from the seat and with a half smile on his face, greeted Nathan in a manly way, patting him on the back with one hand and shaking hands with the other.
Nathan sat down, raised his eyebrows and exhaled through his mouth. I laughed. —Too much pressure?
—Too much. —he said, raising an eyebrow as he tilted his head to one side.
I smiled. —I think he likes you. Well, he likes you since he met you last year.
—I know, it's just that I thought that this year would be different. You know... you sure told your family horrible things about me.
My face suddenly turned serious, and I pressed my lips together. —I didn't tell them anything. Maybe I just mentioned to my mother that I was alone again.
His eyebrows shot up. —Well, sorry. I thought you were going to hate me a lot.
—It hurt a lot to even talk about you. So I didn't tell anybody anything.
One corner of his mouth lifted in a very tender and sympathetic smile. He leaned forward, he was now closer to the monitor. —I miss you.
I put one of my hands on my shoulder. —And I miss you too.
After that I asked him how was his family. He told me that Jess, Karen and Harry were okay and that they said hi. I, however, sent them my greetings. After like 2 minutes when we started talking nonsense, James entered the room and informed to Nathan that the dinner was ready. Nathan, meanwhile, gave me a wistful smile, and I told him to go eat. James gave him a commentary like "the next time we play football, I'll beat you" and Nathan laughed as he said goodbye to me, and once again I felt that there wasn't anything more perfect than what was before my eyes.
I stared at the screen of my laptop for several minutes, letting my thoughts roam where they pleased. When I finally returned to consciousness, I closed my laptop and I knew I was not going to be able to finish studying before I stopped thinking about what just happened. I had lost concentration. My phone suddenly rang with a text Nathan had just sent me with a picture on it.
I opened the photo and waited as it loaded, and cursed under my breath when I saw that the connection was slow, so I went to the hallway, where I knew I had good signal. I leaned against the wall of the corridor and it finally loaded. It was a picture of all of them sitting at the long mahogany table from my mom, which we only used in special occasions like Christmas or someone's birthday. Nathan was close to the camera, which meant that it was he who had taken the picture. Jess was sitting next to Karen, who was next to Harry. My dad was at the end of the table, his usual spot, and besides him was my mom, who was followed by James. Beside my brother there was an empty chair, which I thought was Nathan's.
I put my hand to my face to cover my mouth. I missed them like hell. I wanted to be there with him, with my family, and leave college and all this new life here. Now when I thought about my future I only saw him, he and I, together, moving on. He was the only person who was able to fill even a little bit of emptiness inside me.
An emptiness that he and he alone was responsible for.