Nathan was in front of me, and I had the best view of his face: his thick eyebrows looked even more thick, his nose as profiled as always made his cheeckbones pop out and the features of his face looked even more marked and sharp. He had taken his shirt off, probably after I fell asleep, and, I didn't complain, because the duvet in these moments only covered him from his waist down. He was asleep, and I wanted him to stay like that, so I could admire him without feeling that I was staring too much at him. The first lights of the morning illuminated him, since he was facing the window, making everything look even lighter and, why not? a little bit more romantic as well. I was cuddled close to his chest, the window on my back.
I started to inspect his face with more depth. He had some freckles and moles on his cheeks, his lips were big, which gave the impression that beneath them was a small sinking, to then give way to his pronounced chin; his eyebrows got thicker as they approached his temples, and the place where his eyelids met his nose was somehow sunken, making it look dark. I noticed that he had shaved recently, because you could barely notice a beard growing. His skin, I noticed, wasn't perfect. In fact, it was too glossy.
He had some little pimples on his forehead, but, most of them where covered by the lock of tousled hair that now fell on his face, almost touching his eyes. It was time for him to cut it, if he still wanted to keep the style he was wearing now: short fringe and hair combed up, quiff-like. His face, like the rest of his body, was pale, so you could notice the dark circles under his eyes, product of traveling so much and not resting enough.
I remembered what he told me the day he confessed all the truth: «and at first I loved you because I thought you were perfect but then I realized you were not perfect and then I loved you even more.»
Like a mother's instinct, I felt the urge to sweep away that lock of hair off his face, but I shouldn't, because then he slowly started opening his eyes.
—I'm sorry.
His lips curved a little bit on a smile. —Why? —he said just so I could hear him, his voice sleepy.
—I didn't want to wake you up.
He ignored my comment. —What were you doing?
—I was thinking.
He got closer to me. —Thinking about what?
I got closer to him. —I was thinking that maybe I'd be more of a morning person if I got to wake up next to you every day.
He smiled. —And you say I'm the cheesy lover.
I ignored him, and then the atmosphere was invaded by a very comfortable pause. Now that his eyes were open, the light filtered through them, and something really funny that I noticed was that his pupils, even though they were taking in a huge amount of light, were expanded. I remembered that they say that when you see the person you're in love with your pupils dilate. I hoped it wa because of that and not because he had mydriasis. (A/N: it's a desease were the expansion and contraction of the pupils becomes abnormal)
Talking about his eyes, they looked immense and open, and very, very green at the time. I could see the muscles tissues that formed his iris, and I noticed that he had little spots of light brown on them. They looked precious. I loved that thing about him, that his eyes were more separated than normal, and a little bit curved on the corner, which gave him a sad and melancholic look to his gaze. Little things like that, the characteristics of his eyes, the little freckles on his cheeks, his profiled nose and his forehead full of pimples made me love him even more and more. And, I don't know why, but I remembered a funny thing that I had read, who knows when, probably last year: a comment from a fan, that didn't know if Nathan had green or blue eyes, because supposedly they always looked different on the photos, depending on the camera. Well, wherever you are, confused fan: they are green, deeply green.
I realized that it was the first time I didn't struggle to look someone in the eyes: I almost never did and, even it sounds contradictory, I didn't like to see Nathan's, because I didn't want him to see in mine how much I needed him; but he has that type of eyes, the ones you can't look away even if you want to.
I lowered my gaze to his naked torso, and I knew that it was going to be hard to take it away from it. Without thinking it twice and in an automatic way, I placed my hands on his stomach. He shivered a bit, and I thought that maybe it was because my hands were cold. I didn't dwell on that fact and I tried to sharpen my senses so I could feel better his warm skin under my hands. I lowered them a bit towards his lower belly and I separated them to feel his hip bones . Afterwards, I slid them through his abdomen, where I noticed that he'd been working out lately, because I remember that he was just a weakling when we were on Ibiza. I felt his eyes piercing through me, but I didn't care, because I kept touring his chest until I got to his pectorals, to then get to his collarbones, which In slowly traveled with just the tip of my fingers.
It was like touching a god carved on marble. He was all so perfect. It was the first time I touched a man that way, and I have to say that it didn't let me down. Actually, I don't know why I did it, maybe because I feel too much curiosity in that moment, but now all I could think about was that he was mine and he belonged to me, just the way I belonged to him.
And, yes, I have to admit it: Nathan Sykes wasn't perfect, but Nathan Sykes was smoking hot and fit. Okay, he doesn't have Chris Hemsworth's body, but he was fine for someone who has been compared to a sloth from an animated movie. He was very fit, his abdomen was flat and defined, he didn't have a six-pack, but he wasn't bad at all. His biceps, I have to say, were pretty big, and you could say that they didn't match with his thinness.
Talking about the last thing, still lying on bed facing each other, I ran my hand from his collarbones to his shoulder, and then I kept going down his arms, where I felt his big muscles. I was pretty curious to know about when he started going to the gym, because it was a huge change.
My hand finally was displacing through his wrist, and it found the back part of his hand. I slid mine underneath him, and then I lifted both, so they were now palm to palm. That moment reminded me of Tazan and Jane, and I asked myself when did I become so cheesy and corny. I didn't acknowledge my thoughts, because what I was feeling for him was real.
First my eyes landed on his, but they kept sweeping away until they got to our hands. His, hands of a pianist, the joints of his thin and large fingers were weel marked signalating where a bone ended and another one started. His hand, bigger than mine, by a wide margin. His nails were round and short, something typical in men. I noticed that his hands were now paler than before, maybe it was just because of the illumination that we had. Then, I took a look at my hands. I was way more tanned than he was, and I couldn't understand why, since on Boston there isn't much Sun, in fact, it barely comes out on summer. My nails were long, and the black nail polish that I had applied to them two weeks before was now falling, making my nails painted here and there, something that made them look horrible, but I hadn't had the time to remove it.
I slid my fingers through his and intertwined our hands. It was curious seeing that his fingers almost touched my wrist, but many barely reached his knuckles. I felt like a baby, for having tiny little hands.
I looked at his face again, and he was wearing a smile that didn't allow me to catch a glimpse of his teeth, the kind of sad smile I loved. Without thinking it twice, I asked him what I wanted to know: —How long is it since you've been going to the gym?
He laughed low, but he still answered me: —Now, every time we are about to perform somewhere, or doing an interview or a simple photoshoot, Max makes us work out. You know, lift weights, abdominal curcnhes, sit ups or something like that. I don't know why the hell he does it, I think deep inside he wants to be a personal trainer. And well, you know, we do it regulary, since we're almost always perfoming or giving interviews.
I laughed low as well. Whilst he talked he got closer to me, and now our foreheads were rushing. I closed my eyes for a second, and I couldn't help but to smile. I had never felt that way, it was something almost beyond description. I was so, so in love that for me it seemed absurd and ridiculous. For a second, the idea that Nathan was going to leave me crossed my mind, and I pictured my life without him, and I didn't know what to do; it'd hurt a lot if tat ever happened. I had my hopes on, and the fall was going to be really hard.
Imagining a life without him was like feeling hat my heart was made of little pieces of glass all glued carefully together, and that with every breath I take, those crystals pierced my chest, embedding there, leaving a horrible twinge and a ghost pain.
It couldn't happen, it simply couldn't. If he left me, my existance was done, and if the act didn't kill me, I'd do it myself.
I kissed him, and I stopped thinking in bad and horrible thing, and I enjoyed the moment. I swallowed the tears and ran my hands through his soft hair. Now, I understood him a little bit more, what he told me the night before. Having to bear a second or day more without him cause me an almost physical pain.
I found myself whispering within the kiss. —Please, don't leave me. Don't go away. Don't go away. Stay here. With me. Don't go away. Don't leave me.
We broke apart just a bit, our lips still rushing. I felt him opening his to say something, but I will never know what it was, because in that exact same moment, someone jumped to the bed, landing in the spot underneath mine and Nathan's legs.
—Good morning! Am I interrupting something?
It was Max, already changed into some blue jeans and an orange t-shirt that said something in white letters that I couldn't quite read. Nathan, in almost an automatic way, sat up on bed and I couldn't help but to notice that in that way, incredibly, his abdomen looked even more defined.
—Shit, mate. Could you at least creak your shoes against the floor or make some kind of goddamned noise when you come it? Because it's always like this, you never announce yourself.
—You know I like the surprise factor —Max said, but Nathan completely ignored him, and, on desperation, he ran his hands through his hair, making his biceps flex and look bigger. Damn Ashley, I thought, you need to stop being so sexist—. Good morning, Ashley. I see that you're dressed. Sorry, Nathan. I know you haven't had some action for a long, long time.
As if we already agreed to do it before, Nathan and I spoke at the same time: —Max.
—Sorry —he raised his hands and his eyebrows—. Whatever, Nano told me to come and wake you up. The flight goes off at 2, but we have to be there by noon.
—All right. Tell him that I will get ready and finish packing.
Max didn't say anything, in return, he walked away with a smile, which I kindly returned to him.
—Sometimes I wanna kill my bandmates. I love them but God, they're all big-ass jerks. —Nathan said, landing again on his pillow, staring at the ceiling.
I did the same thing, but I lied on my side, so I was facing him. I laughed, but I didn't make any further comments on the topic. Then Nathan turned around, and we were on the same position in which we were when Max interrupted us, and if I closed my eyes, I could feel that nothing happened, and that we were still stuck in the moment...
—I don't want to leave you. It hurts a lot. A lot. But it's my job.
—Right, I get it. I'd never interfere between you and your job. I'm not one of those girls who want to be on the number 1spot on the list of priorities of her boyfriend.
—And what if you already are?
I gave him a blank expression. —C'mon, don't get me starting. I wouldn't let you do that, really. There are more important things. Your family, your job, your fans, overall. I am content with being on the first 10 spots. —I smiled and got closer to him.
—Right, I'm sorry, I just remembered. Would you mind being number 12? See, you'll never be able to overcome the greatness of soccer, Manchester United, Pokemon, Family Guy, spaghetti bolognese, chinese food—
—Okay, got it. Chinese noodles and Pikachu are better than me.
—I'm just kidding.
—You are such an asshole.
—C'mon, Ash...
—Shut up. You know I'm also kidding.
His smiled flashed on the little dark pace that we had created for being so close to each other. I was breathless. It was one of those wow-I-love-you-so-much-and-my-heart-hurst-could-you-just-stop-being-so-beautiful-please moments, even though, to be honest, I felt like my life was made out of those moments, because loving him like that hurt a lot.
I closed my eyes and exhaled.
—I love you. —I whispered.
—And I love you.
—Don't leave me.
—Ashley...
—I'm not talking about leaving because of your work right now. I'm talking in general. Don't leave me, ever. Please. I don't know what I'd do without you.
He backed off a little bit, just to make the space between us enough so he could place both of his arms there and cup my face with his hands. —Forever, remember?
A knot tied in my throat. How could I forget it? That afternoon in Paris, on the Ponte Des Arts—yeah, I had investigated a little since I went there—, where we had locked a padlock with our names written on it. I remember the way his forehead was pressed to mine, the way our lips rushed when he whispered «Forever». I had answered him with the same word, and I hoped with all my heart that that was true, that that promise would come alive, but the next day, when Dionne had interrupted our date...
The memory was overwhelming and, then, I opened my eyes again. The only thing I wanted was that that didn't repeat again. It was the only time I remember feeling so much emotional pain that it became physical. It was the only time I remember feeling such an intense pain that was even caused by another person, and not myself. Nathan, on the other hand, had a sad gaze, and I understood that he was thinking about the same thing.
I wanted to stop thinking about it, so I changed the topic.
—All right, we're both masochists. We won't stop thinking about being separated. Maybe, if you don't acknowledge that fact, it will go away from us... —and, I ran out of inspiration—. Right, okay. Let's just stop thinking about it, yes? I love you, and it's not like the world is going to end.
—But my world will end if you're not by my side...
—Stop it with the corniness. —I smiled and placed my thumbs over his lips for no apparent reason.
—Sorry —he stopped and smiled—. Do you remember that this also happened to us last time, when you were in NYC and I had to leave to LA?
It was weird. I had almost forgotten about that. —Damn, you're right.
—See what I'm saying? The universe or destiny, I don't know, always try to put us apart. It's like we don't have to be together. They're playing all their cards against us.
—Shh... —I hushed him—. Don't say that. And what if we can't be together? As if I actually gave a damn about it.
I don't know why the hell, but that seemed funny to him. He laughed out loud and backed off from me. I, on another part, couldn't understand a thing. —What's going on?
—Wow, Ashley, you are also pretty cheesy when you get bitten by the corniness bug.
—And you are a jerk. All the time. Not just when a bug bits you. —I punched him in the arm.
—But you love me.
—But I love you. —I confirmed and I kissed him, hard, and now that he was standing outside of the bed, I took the opportunity to stand up too and tackle him against the wall. I had to stand on the tip of my toes to get to his lips, which made me want to go back to bed, because my calves started hurting.
He was the one to end it. —In my defense, I wasn't a jerk before. The guys infected me. They're all idiots. I used to be a gentleman.
—Yeah, especially you. —I raised an eyebrow, and opened my mouth to make another comment, but I recanted and told myself it was better to just not say a thing. It was about just how big of a douchebag he was in secondary school, when he was my living nightmare, but I knew that it would hit a soft spot on him because I know he is very conscious of his past and I know it still haunts and chases him, and, I know that he doesn't like it when someone reminds him of it.
—Well, you know you're amazing at hooking up and I'd love to continue making out with you but I need to start packing. —he pouted his lips and gave me a little kiss on mine.
I blushed a little, but he didn't notice, since he already walked pass me to start arranging his stuff. I turned around, to then see his naked back when he walked towards the corner of the room, where he crouched to get his suitcase. I bit my lip. —Is there anything I could help you with? —I asked.
I looked how he turned around to return with his baggage and spread it open over the bed. He touched his chin unconsciously whilst he thought. —Sure you can —he raised and eyebrow and his eyes illuminated—. Get in the suitcase and then I can take you with me.
I rolled my eyes, but it was impossible to stop a smile from forming on my lips. —I told you to stop thinking about it. —I crossed my arms over my chest.
He seemed to ignore my words, because he kept on talking. —You know what? It isn't a bad idea. I think that you do fit in here. Since you're so tiny and all...
—Right. I'll let you keep on dreaming. I'm going to the bathroom. —I touched his shoulder encouragingly as I walked pass his side to go to the bath.
When I got out, Nathan was picking some stuff from the closet to take them with him. I walked out of the room to serve myself a glass of water from the kitchen. I opened up the refrigerator but there wasn't anything, obviously. I wasn't very hungry, but I do wanted to eat. —Nath! —I called—. I'm going to get some room service, do you want something?
—Whatever you get. —he said from the other room.
So I asked for two american breakfast with orange juice. I took the opportunity to change into my clothes before the food came. I wore the same blue jean as the day before and a different shirt. Nathan had already finished packing, and the reason why I think he was so fast at it was because he was more than used to travel from one country to the other, from one continent to another. He was putting on a shirt as I walked out of the bathroom all changed, and, I'm not going to deny it, I wished he had stay shirtless.
The breakfast came in and we sat down to eat at the kitchen's table. After that, we went to Big Kev's in where I said hello to the others, who were either eating or watching TV. Nano made each of them show him their passports, something that I think was more of a routine than a safety thing. Nathan ended up sitting on the sofa, for which I joined him and sat on his lap, trying to enjoy the last hours I had with him until he left.
After an hour and a half, Nano said that we had to leave to the airport. I, of course, decided to join them, but I went in the van with them and left my car parked in front of the hotel, which meant that I had come back in a taxi.
The ride to the airport wasn't that long, it only lasted about 30 minutes, and I wished it would've last longer. It was also really calmed. I think it was always like that when they were about to take off in a plane. It was then when I started to think how amazing it would be to travel as much as they do: get to know each and every capital of music and fashion of the world, travel to other continents, get to know new cultures... But all good things have their dark and bad side: the exhaustion must be pretty unimaginable, not sleeping well, being drowned all the time, not being able to see your family or loved ones for a very long time... maybe even you could wake up in a city on a part of the world and not even know what day, nor hour, nor month it was, and much less where were you.
When we arrived, I tried not to panic. Not only because I knew it was close before the flight went off, but because there was a considerable amount of fans and some photographers. But no, I thought about it for a second, and I didn't care. I didn't care what nobody said or thought about my relationship with Nathan. Because as far as I know, we were a couple, and until now, on the 21st century, a couple was made from two people; nor less nor more. I knew that Kelsey always felt pressure about being with someone like Tom Parker, and, I admit it, I am also going to feel like that even though I denied it, but I was going to give everything to not break under the public pressure. At the end, the only thing that matter is love, right?
I tried to make an exception for today, and yes I got a little nervous, because the first days were always the worst: the rumors, whether the relationship is confirmed or not... all of that. The photographers always asked celebrities questions when they saw them with a new face of whether they were dating or not, and I know that those questions are pretty tormenting.
Luckily, Nathan was pretty good ignoring them and he didn't say a thing as we walked through the doors of the corridor in the middle of fans. He stopped here and there to sign autographs and take pictures with all the people he could, and he tried to avoid questions. I, in my own sense, couldn't go back to the entrance or go to where they were going to check in, because I was stuck in the middle of that bunch of people. I stood awkwardly behind Nathan, with my hands intertwined in front of me. On the bright side, the fans are always pretty considerate —or, in another part, really shy—and they didn't ask questions.
After getting sure that the guys had taken pictures with most of the fans, Big Kev helped a bit to get to go to the place where they checked in. They gave away their luggage and the airline gave them their boarding passes so they could go to the waiting room.
If he would've been a normal person, I would have probably waited outside with him until the last call for the boarding of his plane to spend as much time as I could with him, but, as obnouxious as it sounds, Nathan is not a very normal person. Big Kev told me that for the safety of the boys they had to go in to the waiting room, because people who only had boarding passes could only go in there obviously, which didn't include me. Then, when I comprehended that, and, even though the flight took off in about an hour, I turned around and tooka deep breath.
I said bye to each one of the boys, but I promised them I would see them soon, of course. That made me think when was that "soon". I'd probably see them again when we started the tour, but I was pretty sure it was not going to be on Boston, but in another city —Nano still hadn't sent me the schedule of the tour and that's why I had no idea when it began or where it began. I finally said goodbye to Nathan.
I got closer to him and the first thing he did was release a sigh.
—Still can't believe I have to be without you.
—Stop torturing yourself. Plus, it's not that much. And, as if it was all, after that we're going to be together on the road for months. I'm not sorprised if you start hating me for spending so many time with you.
He put an arm over my shoulder, making my face closer to his. —Hating you? I would never hate you.
My eyes, just for a second, got down to his lips, and I asked myself if it was right to kiss him right there in the airport. —I'm going to miss you so much. I'll call you and text you every day, and we're seeing each other on Skype at least once in a week, okay?
—You're still numer 12, remember, and to have the privilege to have a video-call with me on Skype you have to be on the first 10 spots.
I rolled my eyes and smiled. Then I saw the way in which he was looking at me, with a sad gaze, and his lips barely formed a melancholic smile. I exhaled. —I love you.
—And I love you.
—Take care, alright?
—Yeah.
And then Nano was calling Nathan so they could go for once in all to the waiting room, and he looked pass me and noticed. —All right, I think I have to go now. —he tensed his jaw, so that the little muscle of that part popped out. He leaned in and kissed my lips. I liked the fact that it was a short and soft kiss, and I knew that when I saw him again I was going to desire so much of him, because he got me going crazy. Maybe that was the effect he wanted to pull out on me. Or me it was just simply me, that I was never going to get enough of him.
The last thing I was was how he waved goodbye at me after his hand baggage had just gone through the X rays. I returned him the gesture. And then, feeling how a knot formed in my throat, I decided to turn around, because I wasn't going to take another second of that.
My phone vibrated, so I took if off my pocket.
From: Nathan.
"Miss you already☹☹☹☹."
I automatically smiled, but I decided to not answer it.
I felt how my eyes got watery. He was such a masochist. And maybe I was too, because loving him was the thing that hurt the most in the world, mind the contradiction. I remembered a poem that I had read the other day, which said: "If I could go back / To the day we met, / I'm sorry, / But I would turn around / And walk the other way."
And, even though it was scary how exact it was, I wouldn't have the bravery to walk the other way.
Yes, I loved him, more than anything in this world. But I was scared, not necessarily of him. I was scared that all my happiness and life depended on only one person. It was like being a marionette with a fake smiled plastered on my face all the time: I couldn't decide what to do, or say, what to feel, or where to go... it all depended on your puppet master. I was scared, but, even though I was pretty conscious of that, he was something I couldn't resist, like pulling a loose thread on my favorite sweater even though I know it would all unravel around me, leaving me naked, exposed... with anything left.
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A/N: Hey! Merry Christmas everyone! I know I said I probably wouldn't upload until tomorrow or something, but turns out I wrote this pretty quick as a present. I know it's kind of short but it's one of my favorite chapters so far... I don't know why. Anyway, I'm going to be out until Sunday again (sorry) so I guess I'll be posting like 4 days later than I should. Sorry. But oh well hope you enjoy this one :) Love you all guys! - Alex :) xoxox
P.S: sorry if there are any spelling or grammar mistakes as I said I wrote it pretty quickly and on top of that I'm posting this at last minute so I couldn't review it... :(
P.S 2: take a moment to look at the picture I posted on this chapter... don't tell me you wouldn't kill to wake up next to that every single morning<3 it's probably one of my favorite photos of Nathan.