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"When I walk around all of the streets where I grew up and found my feet. They can't look me in the eye, it's like they're scared of me."
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BLAIR POV
"Shit," I mutter under my breath as I flip the pancake, realizing one side is completely black.
"Why is it that whenever you're cooking, something burns?" Joel asks, sitting across from me. It's just been me and him all morning since everyone else is busy investigating these suspicious murders. I would be investigating them too if it weren't for Joel who refuses to let me out of his sight for some unknown reason.
"Because I'm that hot," I smirk, flipping the pancake again, letting out a sigh of content when I see it's a perfect tan colour. I slide the pancake onto a plate and pass it to Joel.
"Just ignore the charcoal side," I say jokingly, pouring another batch onto the pan.
"Don't worry, I'm sure if I drown it in syrup, it'll even the taste out," Joel teases.
"Shut up," I laugh, flipping the new pancake only to realize it wasn't ready, thus sliding the batter all across the pan. "Shit. Now it's a pancake omelette," I laugh, as does Joel.
The front door opens and several footsteps are heard walking towards the kitchen, but I keep my eyes glued to my cooking. Part of me is afraid that the pancakes will burn, and part of me is afraid we'll start talking about last nights events. I just want to forget about last night- let go of the regret, but deep down I know it was the right call. I just wish everybody would stop looking at me like I was a walking ticking time bomb, bound to cave in. God forbid I turn my humanity off. To be honest I haven't even thought about that, nor would I want to turn it off. I just can't shake the feeling that they can't see I'm capable of handling my emotions. I've got them under control. The only thing I don't have control of currently is my blood lust, but they don't need to know about that. As long as I keep the bath tub upstairs covered, I should be fine until I sort that part of me out.
"Joel, do you want some pancakes with that syrup?" James jokes, noticing the pancake soup on Joel's plate. The pieces of pancake are quite literally floating in syrup.
"I think if you're gonna have those crisp-cakes you're going to need some bourbon," Damon suggests.
I drop the spatula and turn off the stove, giving up on my cooking attempt. "You know what? That's the best idea you've had all day," I say, heading over to the cabinet. I pull out the opened bottle, pouring myself a small glass. I can feel all their eyes on me as they exchange secrete glances, but that only makes me suspect more.
Shrugging the suspicion off, I take a sip of the liquid, instantly furrowing my brows in confusion at the taste. It tastes sweet.
"Why does the bourbon taste like goddamn apple juice?" I question with an irritable scowl. Everyone looks at Joel.
"Really Joel? You filled the entire bourbon bottle with apple juice?" I scoff.
Joel looks frantically at everyone, confused at to what's going on.
"Well played Joel. I guess it's my turn in this prank war," I smirk, finishing the cup of apple juice.
"What the? What?" Joel protests, looking completely shocked at my accusation. "I didn't do it!" he yells. "Damon!" he growls, but Damon only shrugs obliviously before giving Joel a wink.
"Where's Stefan? He's missing all the great fun," I ask.
"He's taken his emotionless self out to try and solve this murder case. He's taken the title of Detective Salvatore," Damon says. "I'm going to go help him. Joel, you're coming," Damon instructs, and surprisingly Joel obeys.
Once they leave it's just James and I. He sits on the stool while I begin washing dishes. He gets up and for a second I think he's going to help, but instead he turns the water off.
"Do you want to go to the Grill and get some real food?" he asks with a smile.
I let out a laugh and nod. "Sounds good."
∆ ∆ ∆
We get to the grill and take a booth, quickly scanning the menu before ordering. "Have you heard from any originals today?" I ask.
"Fortunately no. I think I've had enough drama to last me a lifetime," he jokes, referencing about last night's encounters.
I smile, but I can't help but think about what Esther said last night, about how James and Elijah wasted their lives hunting Klaus. "Hey," I say, placing a hand on his arm. "What Esther said isn't true. Hunting Klaus down all those years isn't pathetic, it's necessary, especially after what he did to you- to us, to all of us really. I think we all deserve a chance at killing the bastard," I admit.
He smiles and is about to say something when Elena appears. "May I sit?" she asks.
I'm about to deny, but James answers for me, knowing what I was about to say. "Sure," he says.
She smiles in appreciation before sitting beside him, across from me. "I just wanted to say thank you for saving my life," she says.
"You're welcome. Just for the record, I wasn't doing it for you. I was doing it for my brothers. It was originally their plan to turn Bonnie's mom, but I did it so you didn't have to hate one over the other. You already hate me, so it's a win-win," I explain with a shrug.
"I don't hate you, Blair," Elena sighs.
"I think we all know that's not true," I murmur.
"How's Alaric? We heard he is suspected of these murders," James asks, changing the topic.
"Still in prison. Sheriff Forbes won't let him go. He suffered a stab wound and a gunshot from his crazy doctor girlfriend, but they believe the stab wound was self inflicted," Elena explains.
"Well that makes absolutely no sense," I say.
"No kidding. Anyways, I'm gonna head down to the station to see what's going on. See you guys later," Elena says before getting up and leaving.
"Is there any particular reason you brought me to the Grill?" I ask once our food arrives.
"Figured you could use something more familiar and normal considering everything that's happened lately," James says.
"Amen to that," I say, taking a bite of my salad.
After we finish our meals, there's an empty silence and I find myself choking on it, unable to bare it any longer. "Is there something you want to talk to me about? Perhaps about last night? You've been acting strange- all of you," I finally say.
James sighs. "We just want to make sure you're okay."
"Of course I am. Why wouldn't I be?" I ask.
"Maybe because you just killed an innocent person, and turned them into a vampire without choice," James remarks, making me raise a brow. "I'm sorry," he apologizes for his tone. "It's just I care about you Blair, and I've never seen you kill someone so... instinctually," he says.
"I didn't use to before Klaus," I mutter.
"Do you feel guilty? About killing?" he asks with genuine concern.
"Of course I do. I feel it everyday. I just have to remind myself what I did it for. I did what I had to do for my brothers," I say confidently.
James smiles and nods in astonishment and pride, like I've surprised him with my confession. "Is there anything else you need to talk about?" he asks.
"No," I lie. "I'm perfectly fine, James. I promise."
∆ ∆ ∆
Later that night, long after everyone has gone to bed, I find myself still awake in my bedroom, drawing idly on a piece of paper trying to spark any memory of my hidden art talent.
As I draw, I feel this urging pain drawing me down stairs to the freezer where the blood bags are stored. I know I can't take too much from there or they'll know something's up which is why I've stolen some from the hospital myself.
When James asked me if I was okay earlier today, I lied straight to his face. I know if there's anyone I feel comfortable opening up to, it's James, but I can't find the strength to tell him I'm not as strong as he thinks I am. I'm not as strong as everything thinks me to be, but I don't want to let everybody else down especially when everyone else has their own problems.
Bonnie's struggling with helping her mom adapt to vampirism with Caroline along side her, Elena, Matt and Damon and everyone else are busy trying to help Alaric and solve this sociopath killer case, and Stefan's gone AWOL. I know James was trying to get me to open up today at lunch, but I shut him down, telling him I was okay. Now I hate myself even more for shutting out the only person who has remained by my side constantly.
To give into the guilt I tip toe downstairs, grabbing a few bags of blood before walking back upstairs, careful not to wake anyone up.
I make my way to my room and close the door, nearly jumping out of my skin when I see Stefan standing over my bed, his back facing me.
"Stefan?" I gape, freezing in my step.
He slowly turns around, his head raising. As he raises his head, I can see his chin and mouth covered with blood, dripping rhythmically to the floor. I widen my eyes that quickly fill with tears as I take in his state.
"I- I turned it back on," he begins. "I figured there was no point, no fun in it if everyone I loved had already been pushed away from me. Everyone but you," he says hoarsely, his cheeks stained with dried tears.
Before I can conjure up the right words, he continues speaking. "I pushed away my only chance with the girl I loved, the girl I would do anything for to find my own brother's taken my place. I thought I could control myself after I turned it back on, but I can't. I can't control myself any longer," he admits, the pain crystal clear in his leafy green eyes.
"I can't either Steff." I say, dropping the blood bags from my hands to the ground. "You're not alone."
I walk over to him and place my hands on his shoulders, forcing him to look at me. "Klaus did this to us," I say. "I killed Bonnie's mother last night and turned her into a vampire. I took away her choice the same way Klaus did to me- to us. Klaus had made me a killer."
Stefan looks down at his feet. "No, we have always been killers, Blair. We share the same gene- the ripper gene. It's who we are."
I shake my head. "No, I was never this person before Klaus. I had my cravings under control-"
"Because you were never exposed to killing," Stefan says more assertively. "Once you killed, you unleashed that part of you that secretly loves the game of it all. Once you got a taste you can't stop. I know the feeling Blair, and I know what you've been hiding in that bath tub."
I hold my breath and release him, stepping back. "I wouldn't have killed if it weren't for Klaus," I repeat. I know Stefan has just turned his humanity back on so he's not fully himself yet. Neither of us are.
"You're wrong," Stefan says. "You're a vampire, Blair. We all kill eventually. You and me, we have it rough. We're addicts to blood, to the killing."
I let his words sink into his brain, knowing deep down he's right. I've been feeling different lately, like my life keeps happening in waves. I realize now that I just keep trying to maintain the high that blood gives me. I feel powerful when in a room full of humans knowing I can kill them whenever I want. It scares me to my core, so much that I start trembling.
"I don't want to be this monster," I say, feeling the tears start to slide down my cheek.
Stefan just stands there, watching me cry while he realizes what he's said. He walks over and pulls me in for a hug, holding me there while we both silently cry. He doesn't say anything. We don't say anything for a while. We just stand here and hug each other knowing nothing we can say will make us feel better. Realizing you're at rock bottom is hard, but realizing how steep it is to climb out of it is harder.
I fear that Stefan and I might not be able to put ourselves back together.
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[completed & edited: 08/25/2021]