˙ ˙ ˙
"Right now there's a steel knife in my windpipe. I can't breathe but I still fight while I can fight."
˙ ˙ ˙
BLAIR POV
As quick as I flip the switch, I want to switch it back. I want to reverse time and cheat at this crippling game of Jenga but by now it's too late.
Everything I did while high on the off switch is flooding my mind like a parasite, making it so I can't process anything else but that of my own mind. My own mind is playing tricks on me, replaying all the horrendous things I did.
The innocent people I killed, the work I did for Klaus, my family that I hurt, but worst of all killing Mikael.
I don't regret what I did to Mikael. I regret the choice I made. I chose to take vengeance on my father rather then save the memories that I longed for. I didn't realize how much the memories meant to me while on the off switch, but now I realize those memories are irreplaceable, and I just threw them away. My anger and my need to feel rage has once again consumed me.
I fall to my knees while I process it all, unable to keep myself up any longer. So many emotions are thrown at my face at once, each one smacking me hard in the chest making it all unbearable.
It's as if I'm in a snow globe, all the emotions surrounding me in a flying frenzy. I know they'll all settle soon, but as of right now I can't make anything out clearly. That, and because of the amount of tears collecting in my eyes making my vision blurry.
I keep my head to the floor and prepare for the wrath of Damon as a figure approaches me. Instead of being yelled and scolded, I'm being picked up gently into someone's arms, being cradled comfortably against their strong chest. I don't have to clear the tears from my blurry vision to know it's James. The familiar smell of him gives it away.
I can't even begin to think of what I put James through the last month and a half. This is the closet contact we've had since my disappearance with Klaus. I always through our reunion would be under more jovial circumstances, but I'm too overwhelmed with other emotions to think about any of it.
So instead, I close my eyes and let it all in. It's painful, I'll admit to that, but I'm use to pain.
I let James lay me down in the back seat of his truck while he drives away with an angry Damon in the passenger seat. I can hear them talking but it sounds more like background noise, like static from a television. I don't bother to listen closely to see whether or not they are talking to me. For now I'm an dysfunctioning vampire, not operational.
I don't dare open my eyes out of fear that I'll see something that will spark another emotion while I'm already busy processing the hundreds of others at the moment.
I wait until the truck stops and James carries me back into the house to open them again to see that he's placed me on the couch in front of the fireplace.
I don't want to confront anyone at the moment, nor do I want to think. So I close my eyes and drift to an emotion filled sleep.
˙ ˙ ˙
JAMES POV
The moment Blair fell to her knees I knew something was wrong.
Everything was so chaotic and happened so fast, the next thing I knew the only weapon that could kill an original- that could kill Klaus- was sticking out of Mikael's chest before his body went up in flames.
The look on Blair's face was pure horror, along with other emotions- emotions that she hadn't seen in several weeks.
It was then that I realized she had turned it back on. Maybe by choice, or maybe not. I know that everyone reaches a point where emotions take charge, breaking through the door that keeps the switch off. Sooner of later emotions always find their way back in. I know exactly what she's going through: I've been there before several times.
I'm not going to be naïve or anything and deny the fact that I took advantage over the switch for problems that don't even deem relevant in my life anymore. A thousand years is a long time, and sometimes I found myself wanting out or wanting change. It was always Lexi who brought me back though, like she did Stefan, and I know that now I was going to help Blair.
"Are you sure she turned it back on?" Damon asks me as we stand by the bourbon table while Blair sleeps on the couch.
Tonight's outcome hasn't really sunken it yet, as we can't believe we let another chance of killing Klaus slip away.
"No, I don't think so. I think the tears are just her allergies acting up. Not over the fact she killed Mikael, earned her freedom, or lost a chance at killing Klaus. She defiantly hasn't turned it back on," I say sarcastically, surprising myself at the use of such tone.
"Easy there buddy," Damon says, his brows raised.
"Sorry," I mutter. "It's just nothing is working out."
"No kidding," Damon says as he sips his bourbon. Just them, the door opens and in comes an exasperated Elena.
"What happened?" she demands. She quiets down once she notices a sleeping Blair on the couch, and suddenly she looks extremely confused.
"Mikael is dead, and Klaus walks free all thanks to Stefan and Blair," Damon says, making me scowl. In all fairness Stefan and Blair were compelled, which is something we never considered properly during the brainstorming of the plan.
"We were prepared for everything Elena. For every backup plan, we had another. For every set back we had a detour. Everything that could go wrong, we were prepared for!" Damon exclaims in a hushed whisper.
"I don't get it. I thought Blair and Stefan wanted Klaus dead," Elena says.
"Maybe they did, maybe they didn't. Stefan prevented Damon from killing Klaus, but Blair killed Mikael. Either way, they got their freedom," I sigh.
"Where is Stefan anyways?" Elena asks.
"He ran off. Still has his humanity off, but luckily for us Blair-Bear decided to turn hers back on," Damon explains as my phone starts to ring.
"Hello?" I greet.
"James," Elijah greets.
"Wasn't expecting to hear from you so soon. We have a lot of catching up to do," I say. Elijah knows nothing about what happened tonight, nor does he know Mikael was in town. I decide to keep it quiet for his own good.
"Yes, well that can wait," Elijah says.
"And why is that?" I question.
"Because Stefan just showed up with the remaining coffin to add to our collection."
∆ ∆ ∆
BLAIR POV
As soon as I fall into a deep sleep, I want out of it. I should have never closed my eyes as all it did was allow my mind complete control over what I see. At least with my eyes open, I have a say in how I want to handle these emotions. In my dreams, or nightmare rather, all I can do is sleep while my mind punishes me by making me relive all the horrible things that I did.
Sooner or later I find myself gasping awake, staring into the bright light of a room only to see that I'm still on the couch, but this time it's morning.
The sound of heavy breathing and slight snoring alerts me to the other occupant in the room. Joel sits slouched down in the chair adjacent to where I was sleeping, his head in his hands as he sleeps peacefully. I would know that a peaceful sleeper doesn't always mean they're getting a peaceful sleep.
I move my legs to the floor quietly as I attempt to make it over to the bourbon table, but I can't help but gasp as soon as my toes touch the ice cold floor. James must have taken my high heels off when I fell asleep. That would explain the blanket that was draped over me as well.
My gasp wakes up Joel who gasps awake as well. His eyes dart to me but relax when he sees I'm awake. He rubs his eyes before speaking, a small smile cracking on his face. "You look like Alice Cooper," he says, barely able to finish his sentence without laughing.
His sudden outburst of laugh makes me laugh although I have no idea who 'Alice Cooper' is. "What?" I laugh.
"Your eye makeup- it's all over the place, Alice Cooper is a rock star who wears eyeliner all over the place," Joel explains in between his laughs.
I shake my head, but I can't help but laugh as I drag my hands down my face. Not even five minutes after waking up from my horrendous nightmare does Joel have me laughing. I realize that I've missed him. I've missed everyone.
After a couple of minutes laughing, the sudden burst of laughter dies out and we're back to staring at the dying fire in the fireplace.
"How are you?" Joel speaks up.
I turn to look at him with eyes filled with so many emotions. I know that I'm going to need help if I want to explain everything. I hold up a finger telling him I'll be right back as I walk to the fridge.
"What's stronger, Vodka or Tequila?" I shout to him from the kitchen.
"Vodka," he replies instantly, no hesitation.
I grab two shot glasses, my favourite tub of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream from the fridge along with two spoons. I wipe the smeared makeup off my eyes, as I almost scared myself when I looked in the mirror before making my way back to the living room.
I sit cross legged on the couch, passing a shot of vodka to Joel.
"Since when do your brothers have ice cream?" Joel asks as I spoon a mouthful of the delicious mixture into my mouth. Back in 1864, they never had ice cream this good. It's something I've come to love about the 21st century.
"They didn't until I bought it- or rather compelled myself it," I say before another spoonful.
Frowning at the half eaten ice cream container, I grab the bottle of vodka and pour a decent amount in before mixing it all together with my spoon. I smile in pride at my invention of alcoholic ice cream.
I turn and look at Joel who has one brow raised, and his shot glass empty.
"You're weird," he says as I reach over and fill his glass.
I only smile before continuing to eat the ice cream in between shots of vodka. I know the vodka will hit me soon, but that's exactly what I want.
"Joel," I ask.
"Mmm?" he hums as he swallows his spoonful of ice cream.
"Why weren't you at the party last night?" I ask. I would've thought he'd be the first one to volunteer with the plan seeing as he has quite a history with Klaus.
"I had other things on my mind." He frowns, setting his spoon down.
I freeze, and set the spoon down as well. "It's Lexi, isn't it." I shake my head, suddenly angered with myself. It's my fault. I'm the one who told him about his sister. "I'm so sorry Joel. I shouldn't have said anything. That's just one of the many things on the long list of regrets on 'Blair's Off Switch Mistakes'," I sigh.
"No," Joel says, placing a hand on my lap. "It needed to be said, and James wasn't planning on telling me. Don't feel bad about it," he assures me.
"And Damon?" I say, knowing he was the one to kill Lexi.
"I'll deal with him later," he shrugs, taking another shot of vodka.
"You know James was only trying to protect you right? By not telling you?" I say.
Joel only nods, and I shove another spoonful into my mouth. It grows quiet after that, the only sound being the pouring of the vodka bottle and the crackling of the fireplace.
"I heard about what happened last night," Joel whispers. "I know things didn't exactly work out the way you wanted them too, but you got your freedom."
"I had the power to kill Klaus, yet I chose to kill his father. I let my memories go, Joel," I say. My grip tightens around the spoon so tightly, I feel it starting to bend.
"Yeah, but you didn't have a choice. You were compelled to Klaus," Joel points out, but he couldn't be more wrong.
"No Joel." I shake my head. "I was on vervain for the past few days. Klaus couldn't compel me," I say.
Joel's face goes blank, and I can tell he's lost for words. The only people I told I was on vervain to were Damon and Stefan, although Stefan didn't really care for it with his humanity off. He was already compelled by Klaus to do whatever he said meaning vervain wouldn't have really helped him.
"Then why did you kill Mikael?" Joel asks.
"I don't know," I croak, tears collecting in my eyes. A great pressure begins to form in the bridge of my nose and my eyes begin to sting as I attempt to hold in the tears.
"There must have been a reason. It's okay, Blair. You can tell me," he says, reaching over and placing a hand on mine.
I force a nod and look over at him. "Mikael, he reminded me so much of my own father. The way he spoke to Klaus, treated him like he was nothing. When I held the stake in my hand, it was like I held this power, and I wanted to use it to kill my own father- to show him what it felt like not to be loved. And when I stabbed Mikael, all I could see was my own father's face. It was like I was finally releasing myself of the hatred I had for my father," I explain quietly.
"I guess my father's still after me since he technically stopped me from getting my memories back. If it weren't for the hatred I had for him, it would've been Klaus with the stake to the heart," I say.
Joel moves to sit beside me, placing an arm around my shoulder to pull me close. "I understand now why you did it. We'll find another way. I promise," Joel says as I burry my head into his shoulder, letting a few tears slide unnoticed.
"Okay. This is too sad for me. I know just how to turn up the mood. I'll be right back." Joel says.
Joel comes back a few minutes later with a crate full of photo albums and other assorted pictures that belong to the Salvatore family. There aren't very many of the three of us as kids, but there's many of Stefan and Damon over the years that I never got to see.
Joel and I have spent the last hour going through all of them, laughing historically at the ones of Stefan's several school portraits of the several schools he enrolled in the past years.
By now the tub of ice cream is empty and the vodka is on its last legs. The vodka had taken affect a long time ago, and that's why I find so many of these pictures hilarious. I feel looser and all the emotions that were flying into my mind have warded off giving me some peace of mind. Joel stopped taking shots an hour ago, so he's quite sober compared to me right now. I fear that if I move, I'll fall right over.
"Oh my gosh, look at this one of Damon as a little kid!" I shout, pointing at a mini figure of a little boy crying at his popped balloon. Joel looks over and immediately starts laughing.
As we laugh together, the front door opens as Damon and James walk through.
I'm too busy laughing to look up, and I let out a slight snort resembling the sound of the pig. The more I look at the picture, the more I laugh.
Just as I go to pour myself another shot, I can't hold off my drooping eyes any longer as the vodka starts to ware me down. I decide just to close my eyes - just for a second. It feels so nice, relaxing and stress free.
Before I can help myself, I pass out on the couch.
__________________
Please vote, share, and comment!
[completed & edited: 08/17/2021]