After the guys left, Nathan and I were left alone. Jay went a little bit back-and-fourth about Nath and I staying alone together, but at the end Max literally dragged him out of the suite so they could finally go. I admit I blushed a little bit when this happened and tried hard not to laugh, I kinda feel flattered. I closed the door behind the boys and stood there awkwardly for a few minutes, mentalizing myself that now I was alone with him. Then I suddenly felt a rush of cold in the room, which gave me goosebumps.
What the hell are you doing here alone with Nathan?
- did you run away from me or what? - Nathan, who was now standing up from the chair in which he was sitting, said, making me turn around to where he was.
I bit my lip and giggled. - no, umm, I'm still here. - I smirked.
He sat down again and smiled, that kind of smile that you don't know if it's because he really meant it or if he just turned into a murderer. I gulped down and sat on the edge of the bed. Go ahead and ask me if I was breathing at that point.
- sooooo - Nathan said.
- sooooo - I repeated, making the atmosphere even more uncomfortable.
His deep eyes sunk on my body, and he kept staring at me for minutes. I let him do it, though I was dying inside. - Ashley, let's not make this awkward. - Nathan started saying. Oh my God there he goes please Lord no no please. - I don't want us to be feeling uncomfortable when we are around each other, nor I want us to be just strangers who can't even see each other in the eyes. -
I let that sink in. - what are you saying? - I frowned.
- I'm saying that I want to be your friend, yes, I know, maybe I will not be your best friend or anything but at least I want to leave the past in the past and leave the awkwardness aside because I can't stand knowing that we had something and that I lost you completely, I mean, I don't wanna lose your friendship. -
My heart stopped beating. I can't stand knowing that we had something and that I lost you completely. My mouth dried out and I couldn't think of what to say. It was very mature of him to say that. I also didn't want to lose him at all. I know how relationships are: from strangers to friends, from friends to more than friends and from more than friends to strangers again. I didn't want that to happen to us. I didn't want to be stereotyped.
I smiled at him. - just hug me already. - I commented and he smiled, making me melt. He came over to hug me and that overwhelming feeling of being safe and warm in his arms surrounded me. If I could, I would just stop the time right now and make this hug last forever.
But wait, was it wrong to pretend to be a friend with him when all I wanted was to kiss him and tell him that I've been missing him and that I was a stupid for letting him go? Well, of course it was bad for me, because now I have to live knowing that I should've said the words when the opportunity was given. Speak now or forever, hold your peace.
- so, what do you want to do? - Nathan said with a smile when he backed away from the hug.
- I don't know about you, but I'm starving. - I added. - what about room service? -
- sounds ok. - he added with a smile.
After 30 minutes or so, we were both indulging ourselves with hamburgers and french-fries, sharing a two-liter bottle of Coke. I had a lot of time without having a dinner like that, and it felt just right just to share it with a friend like him. We were watching some good american telly whislt talking and laughing, just like the good old days when Nathan's phone started ringing. I took a nibble of my cheeseburger and contemplated how he picked up the call.
Nathan looked his phone's screen, then said: - I'm sorry, please excuse me. - he stood up and walked towards the balcony of the suite.
As he talked, I was left there alone, realizing that I was grateful of what Nathan did earlier. That little talk we had about leaving everything behind clearly made things better. Could you just imagine if it didn't happen? We'd be right now like "uhhh" and "yeah" and "sooo" with awkward laughs in the middle. No, thanks.
Nathan's laugh filled the room and I turned around to where he was. - yeah, yeah, love you too babe, bye. - he said and with a smile hang up the call.
Wait, love you too, babe? What was going on? - ugh, calls from work can be so annoying, right? - I said, rolling my eyes, waiting for him to take the bait.
- what? oh no, no, that wasn't a call from work. - he paused. - that was um... That was my girlfriend... - he added, with an elusive smile on his face.
I felt my stomach flipping as I tried to blink again, so I didn't make a fool out of myself. - Oh, wow, I-I'm sorry. - I stammered. - I-I didn't know you had a girlfriend. - I gave him a fake smile and made sure that he noticed it was fake, on purpose.
- oh yeah, sorry I didn't tell you about her... It was umm, just that I thought you'd be a little bit jealous - he giggled.
Oh, was he challenging me? Well, two can play this game, bitch. It's on.
- Really? - I frowned, and my lips puckered as if I wanted to laugh at his previous statement. - Why would I be jealous? - I paused. - Why would I be jealous if I also have a boyfriend? - I fake-smiled, again.
What was wrong with me? Never in a million years will I have another boyfriend, considering the way I am... I thought. Oh damn it, this is why I should keep my damn mouth closed when I'm pissed.
The naughty look on Nathan's face vanished, and was replaced by a hollowed one. - you... you what? -
I tried hard not to stop smiling, though now that I said such a lie, it was hard. I was never one of those who seeked revenge and I also thought it was stupid when poeple tried to make other people jealous of them by using a fake couple, but I guess it was the cholera took over me. Who was him to say that I'd be jealous over his new girlfriend, anyway? I admit that it was true, I was madly jealous, but why would he want to say that in my face? to provoke me? He deserved to be lied. - yes, what you heard, I also have a boyfriend. - the pride in my voice was easily recognizable.
Nathan eyed me suspiciously for a second. - are you sure you're not lying because I said I have a girlfriend? - he raised an eyebrow.
I shapped my mouth as an "o" and with a really dramatic gesture and took a big breath. - why would I do that? That's really... childish. - I giggled nervously.
Ashley, what are you doing? You're not only a terrible actress but you don't know how to lie. Stop it.
Nathan now crossed his arms over his chest, with his eyebrow still raised. - really? so, what's your boyfriend's name? - his lips formed a thin line.
I just stayed there like a stupid girl, breaking my brain in search of what to say. I was blank. I obviously should've planned this well, now that the lie just slipped out of my mouth, I had no idea of where this was going to. I sighed and for a quick minute I thought of telling him the truth: I evaluated all the aspects that were going to follow my statement, like the shame, being known to Nathan as a terrible liar and, of course, giving him the reason that I am, actually, terribly jealous.
But then, a name and a boy flashed in my brain: Patrick Dempsey. The cute guy from my faculty. He always said hi to me and according to Roxanne, earlier this year on Valentine's Day he was the one who sent the anonymous roses to my room. I never thought he had an actual crush on me, I just saw him as one of my best guy friends. But, should I talk him into this? I wasn't sure. What if he does like me and I'm just asking him to be my fake boyfriend? Man, that would break his heart and I really don't want to take the blame on it. And if I payed him? Then it'd be more business and professional-like from my point of view. Still, I wasn't sure. Things like this always had attached feelings to it, and I really don't want to play with nobody's feelings.
But, if I came up with a plan, like, Patrick and I would just be fake-dating for like 2 weeks and then he broke up with me? It'd be better. But still, I had to talk to him before anything and what if I told Nathan that Patrick was my "boyfriend" and then Patrick said no to my proposal? I'd be on the horns of a dilemma once again.
- Ashley? - Nathan snapped his fingers on my face. - Thinking about how to name your imaginary boyfriend? - he laughed.
Okay. That was it. For a moment, I even thought of telling him the truth, but I will not back down now. I was so over him. - Oh, sorry Nath - I started, with a sugar-coated voice. - It's just that everytime I think about him I get lost in his eyes. - that sounded so cheesy, but I really wanted him to get pissed. Nathan snorted. I smiled. - his name is Patrick, by the way, Patrick Dempsey, soon-to-be architect, so he understands me more than anyone. - I sighed like a little girl in love.
Nathan raised an eyebrow again. - and why didn't you tell me anything about him? - he moved a red cup from one place to another as he talked.
- oh yeah, sorry I didn't tell you about him... It was umm, just that I thought you'd be a little bit jealous - I mimicked his voice to mock him. I also raised my eyebrow.
- ha-ha. Very funny, Underwood. - he said with no amusement on his face or voice. - and why didn't Jay know, anyway? I know you've been talking to him a lot recently and I'm sure that if he knew he would've told me. -
My heart sank. Jay. How could I forget about him? and more important, how was I going to tell him about this? One thing was sure: I was not going to tell him that it was all a lie, because then he'd know that I was still into Nathan and then I'd be in a huge trouble with him. Oh my God, why would I even want to do this at the first place?!? It seemed like a puzzle that just wouldn't build, no matter how hard I tried, there was always something blocking me. I guess that's how lies are: endless connections between little things that shouldn't have been said, that just ended all together mixed up in a tangled-up mess.
- oh yeah ummm, Jay, - I started. - I didn't want to tell anyone anything until it wasn't sure, you know. - I bit my lip, fighting the anxiety in my stomach that was just screaming "tell him, already!"
Nathan finally smiled again. - That's fine. You know what? I'm happy for you, Underwood. - he hugged me.
SO WHAT ARE YOU TELLING ME THAT YOU'RE OKAY WITH IT AND THAT YOU'RE NOT EVEN A LITTLE BIT JEALOUS AFTER I WRECKED MY ENTIRE BRAIN TRYING TO FIGURE OUT OF WHAT TO TELL YOU? AND ON TOP OF THAT, YOU CALL ME BY MY LAST NAME KNOWING THE EFFECT IT HAS ON ME WHEN YOU CALL ME LIKE THAT? GODDAMMIT NATHAN JAMES SYKES, I'M SUCH A MESS BECAUSE OF YOU.
I tried really hard not to punch him as he was hugging me, since it was all I wanted to do. He knew me so well. He knew all my crannies and all the points he had to touch for me to be in the palm of his hand. He knew exactly what would make me fall in love and what would make me get really angry at him. It was a thing I loved/hated about him: that he made me love him. He was an expert in the art of knowing Ashley Underwood. He was an expert in the art of making me him's.
- yeah, - I softly whispered in his ear with my broken voice, - I'm happy for you as well. -
I couldn't believe I was telling him that, after I lost him, the one real thing I've ever known. I was throwing him into another girl's arms. Maybe I still had a little bit of hope left, a little bit of hope that he might open his eyes and see that I'm still here, living in the past. Open his eyes and realize that I just can't live one more second without him. Realize that I'm still his, and even though he's not mine, I still want him. As I tear slided down my cheek, I cleaned it, remembering everything we used to have, and how it all ended, because of a lie, just like the one I have just created.
Maybe, just... maybe.
As I walked back to my room in the girl's dorm, I decided to text Patrick to see if he was still up, so I got out my phone and checked the hour. 15 past 11. Knowing how guys my age are, I knew he was probably still up. Plus, most of the students were now returning from their Spring Break, since they all know how Boston gets the day before classes start after Spring Break, and, fortunately, I saw Patrick arriving the other day, so I was sure he was here.
To: Patrick.
"Hey Patrick :) how are you? Are you still up? Can you meet me at Tanner Fountain in 15 mins., please? Need to talk to you... Sorry for the inconvenience. Xxx"
I sighed and sent the message, hoping that he'd read it quickly, as I was now heading towards Tanner Fountain, the place I should meet up with him.
As I started thinking about the endless replies I can get from Patrick, I felt my phone buzzing, and I knew it was him texting me back.
From: Patrick.
"Hello pretty, yes I'm still up and it's ok, see you in 15 ;)"
I blocked my phone again and sat down at one of the rocks that surrounded the fountain as I waited for Patrick. You have no idea of how bad I felt for doing this, but there was no turning back now. Everytime my heart got soft I remembered Nathan thinking I wasn't capable of getting over him and thinking that I couldn't get another boyfriend. I just, I wish I could just rewind the tape and tell him that I was still single. I'm honestly so stupid.
I watched as a manly figure made it's way towards me and I stood up, knowing it was Patrick. He smiled as he got closer to me and I hugged him. - Heeeey - I simply said when we backed away from the hug.
- Hey Ash. - he added with his white pearls shining.
I sat down on a rock and he followed me. - so, how was Portland? - he went to there to visit his parents, he told me last week before he left.
- Great, my parents are fine and my little sister is not so little anymore - he chuckled. - but yeah, the trip was amazing. I really missed them. - he smiled, again, overwhelming me. I honestly didn't know why he wanted to be an architect, he was like, Hollywood material for sure.
- awww, that's so cute. - I smirked. After a pause, I started to spill it all out, as a rush of adrenaline helped me - listen, I really need your help with something... -
That seemed to get his attention, because his green eyes grew wider as he turned towards me. - yeah, sure, whatever you need Ash. -
I gulped down. - Okay, so, um, this a bit embarassing, but I need you to be my boyfriend. - I didn't add anything more, as I wanted it to sink in.
He looked at me. - oh, please don't stop, I'm liking this. - a naughty smile approached his face.
I punched him in the arm playfully as I chuckled. - yeah, so do you know the fundraising event we're planning to do to save the faculty and everything? - I continued when he nodded - so, um, you know it's with The Wanted, right? I'm pretty sure everybody within a 5-mile-radius knows I used to date one of the members of that band, Nathan Sykes. So, I got to see them again today when they arrived, since now I'm like their hostess here and I have to be sure they have everything they need. Well, I got to spend some time with Nathan when his new girlfriend that I did not know anything about called him and well so he told me who was her and everything and I asked why hadn't him told me before and he said that it was because he thought I'd be jealous... -
- oh, he didn't. - he chuckled with his fist covering his mouth. - right, so now I understand, I imagine you told him you had a boyfriend too, right? - I nodded, he continued. - it's like payback, I see... -
- no, it's like, I really want to prove to him that I can be independent and that I can also have a boyfriend, since he thought I was lying. - I stated.
- but you are lying. - he raised both of his eyebrows. I shrugged and chuckled as he looked really funny with that face. - let's do this, then. -
- so, you're okay with it? - I asked and smiled, putting my hands on his knee.
- Yeah, why wouldn't I? I'd do anything to help you. Plus, I get to be your boyfriend! - he cheered, but then added with a little less enthusiasm: - fake, at least. - I laughed at it. - let's show that jerk what he's missing with you. - he winked.
- thanks. - I simply said.
- but wait a second, are you sure you aren't doing this because you want him to be jealous so he gets back with you? - he eyed me suspiciously.
A chill went down my spine. - n-no, I mean, I'm sure I'm totally over him, I don't want him back or anything, I just want him to swallow his own words. -
Correction: I wasn't over him. I did want him back. Let's see how many more lies I have to tell everyone so I can keep up with this massive lie.
Patrick smiled. - okay, so when do we start? - he asked me.
- right now, or, whenever you want. -
- right now? - I nodded, nervous at the look in his face. - so, can I do this? - he leaned over and before I knew it his lips were totally connected to mine. It really took me as a surprise, and I fought the urge to push him back, but I told myself that I had to get used to it, so instead, I ran my hands through his hair and tried to enjoy the kiss, at the end, it was the first time someone kissed me in more than half-year.
I heard someone coming over but neither of us backed off the kiss, since I guess we both thought it might be a random student just passing over there, until I heard someone's recognizable voice: - Ashley? - I immediately stopped kissing Patrick and turned around, where I saw a very confused Jay.
- um, hi - were all the words that shyly slipped out of my mouth.
Better start preparing the speech, Ashley.