MAIN CHARACTER 👆🏾
KHALIL💕
I shook my head, then waved my hand dismissively around the small janitors workshop, "Oh, I always heard plenty of people went crazy over love, but you can't really imagine what it's like until it happens to you." I reflected on it all, "And boy, did it hit me between the eyes."
He pointed his finger at the bridge of my nose, "I promise I'll never make you cry again, Khalil."
"You can't really promise that, Cole," I stated logically.
He thought for a moment, "Well, I can at least promise to never consciously do anything to make you cry again."
"Okay." I leaned my head back to take in his whole face. "Just promise to love me long enough for me to finally believe I can have real happiness in my life -- for more than a few days at a time," I said with a smile, in all seriousness.
"I promise it'll be a lot more than just a few days -- I want you forever, Khalil. I'm serious. I haven't been able to think of anything but you since the day I met you." He smiled at me, "Yeah. I'm ready for forever." He drew me in for another kiss, "God, I've missed you so bad. I can't believe I was so stupid. I just hate myself for what I did to you."
"Shhhh," I whispered as I leaned in to kiss his cheek, "It's ok now, you don't have to feel like that anymore."
"I just need you to love me," he said softly. "When I thought I'd made you hate me, it felt like it was the end of the world -- and when I found out today you almost killed yourself -- oh baby, never again, I swear to God I'll never let you feel like that again." He squeezed me tightly into his chest and I could feel his heart beating behind his muscles and ribs.
"Shhhh, all that's behind us now," I whispered in his ear as he leaned his head down. "Think about how lucky we are to be back together -- or that we ever met in the first place."
I kissed the side of his head, just behind his ear, holding my lips there, eyes closed, feeling the short hairs laying against his scalp. I could feel his blood pulsing through a vein beneath my lips, breathing him in while endorphins flooded my system, getting me high on him again.
The beauty of life, especially the beauty of human beings, suddenly struck me, 'Isn't it glorious that we love? Isn't it incredible that we can connect on such a deep spiritual level, and that we can express that love physically with something as powerful and sublime as making love?'
I had a three-dimensional vision of our two bodies standing there embraced like an astral outline -- kinda like in neon -- and an absolute knowledge and understanding of what flowed between us, every fierce emotion, every subtle shade of feeling riding on the fierce ones, all the 'This is' and 'What if?' tagalongs, swirling comet tails behind them. I understood the connection on many levels; saw its beauty and science, and its power. My whole body vibrated and hummed with the awesome beauty of it all.
"Whoa! You just zapped me, baby," he pulled his head back and grinned.
"Huh?" I came out of my little trance.
"I got this zap of like, electricity from you. More like a flow than a zap, though. Whew!" His body jerked around in that pleasant, tingly way and he giggled.
"Oh, wow," I said, still reeling a little. "I think I just had an epiphany, I guess. Wow."
He looked puzzled. "What's an epiphany?"
I thought for a moment. "Umm, it's like... a moment of total clarity, or divine inspiration. It was awesome. It'd be kinda hard to explain right now, though, but it was beautiful-- it was us."
He ran his hand up under my shirt, caressing my back softly then firmly, smiling at me, "What's beautiful is you. Do you know what you do to me? Do you know what happens to me when I just lie in bed and think of you, or when I see you?" He pulled my hand to his bulging jeans, "Feel that? Feel what you do to me? It's never let up!" I looked down at my hand cupping his bulge and my heart fluttered.
He blushed slightly, "I confess, every time I'd wake up from the dream of you lying in the grass with that look in your eyes and I hated myself -- even then I would be hard as a fucking rock and couldn't get back to sleep until I beat off thinking of you... your tight little body, your kisses, your lips, your incredible, beautiful ass -- how you love." The cloth under my hand throbbed as he kneaded my ass cheeks, and I tingled all over; my breathing shallow and my heart racing.
"After I came," he continued in a dreamy voice, "I'd hold a couple of pillows like I held you those nights. Remembering holding you while you slept..." He let out a cherished memory sigh. "That was really the thing that would let me finally go to sleep, remembering holding you in my arms, backed up against me, feeling your heart beating, loving you so completely..." His eyes teared up a little again and so did mine.
He had a faraway look in his eyes. "I remember kissing the back of your head while you slept -- and how that was like: a tiny little thing just for me, to show my love for you, even though you'd never even know I did it."
I was touched, and my eyes momentarily filled with tears. "Cole, you're making me cry again." I sighed, then chuckled, "Well, while we're admitting these things... when you held me down in the grass that morning, I had a hot flash at your incredible power over me. When I looked up at you I saw you as this, like, rough aggressive superior -- don't laugh, I'm confessing here -- the power, your muscles bulging and your veins all tense, and your nostrils flaring... it just turned me on so much -- not the anger, just the sheer male power that like, radiated from you." I looked down at my hand resting on his crotch, then looked back at his face. "I felt like I must be so totally screwed-up, 'cause I was so hurt and scared and confused. But I seriously wanted you to fuck me at that instant -- right there on Sunday morning in that yard -- if you had wanted me then." I looked down. "I can't believe I just told you that -- it makes me sound so psychotic," I said, shaking my head in embarrassment.
"No! No, it -- well, it really kinda turns me on," he admitted, as he grinned an evil little grin.
"You know I'm totally putty in your hands," I insisted. "My real confession is, I've got no will power at all against you -- and that really scares the hell outta me." A shiver went down my spine as I realized once again how utterly vulnerable I was to Cole -- and I did get terrified again. In that moment, knowing I had given myself back to him, even just having had my epiphany that showed me how true our connection was, I was scared of loving him so overwhelmingly, knowing how devastating it would be if something went wrong.
I pulled him close to me and looked deep into his eyes. "Please don't hurt me again," I said, my voice wavering and barely audible. "I couldn't take it again -- really. I'm not strong like you."
"Oh, baby," he whispered, "I love you and I'll never hurt you again, I swear to God!" He wrapped me in his arms and kissed my face, my hair, my neck, my shoulders, everywhere he could get to. "I'm so sorry I hurt you, and I would kill myself before I'd hurt you again. Please, please believe me! Don't be scared, please. I just want to spend the rest of my life making you happy."
He held me tight for some minutes, mumbling Iloveyou's here and there, kissing me passionately while I absorbed some of his strength and found my comfort in his arms. I clung to him and decided I had to just trust him and believe he'd never hurt me again. The more I thought about it, the more comfortable I became with it. I had no doubt whatsoever that he loved me as much as he said he did, so I shouldn't worry about getting hurt anymore. A peacefulness spread over me as we held each other in the hot little room, unconcerned with time.
Then I thought of Tyson again and my heart sank. I really did love him -- but wasn't consumed with love for him like I was with Cole. Not even close.
I dreaded seeing Tyson again, since I knew I'd have to tell him it was over, and I didn't know how I was going to handle that. It would hurt me so to hurt him. I felt so guilty, like I had led him on with false hopes while I knew deep down I still loved Cole. But up until today, I'd been certain I could never have Cole, that I would just have to get over him someday. And I honestly did feel love for Ty, so I knew I hadn't deceived him in any way. I just wished I didn't have to face that at all.
Cole leaned back and stared at me, then raised an eyebrow. "You're thinking of him."
"Wha-?" I said, confused.
"You're thinking of him," he pulled his head back to look in my eyes, "Of how to tell him it's over. Think of that later, baby -- not right now," he said in a soothing tone.
"How did you know?" I asked incredulously.
"I dunno. I just felt it -- the change in... I dunno. Just felt it," he said quietly. He had an almost guilty look on his face, as if he thought being able to feel what I was feeling was wrong, or intrusive or something.
I stared into his eyes for a moment, "I thought I was supposed to be the perceptive and sensitive guy around here," I said with a smile, then furrowed my brow, "But... It's not just thinking about how to tell him it's over. I don't know what to think about how I feel about him, Cole. I honestly love him, too."
His face fell, but I quickly continued.
"No," I said soothingly. "I don't love him even remotely as much as I love you -- I realized that in here just now. But, I do love Ty, and it kills me to think of hurting him. I don't know what I'm going to say. I really hate to have to have to tell him." I looked down at the floor and Cole gripped my hands to get my full attention back.
"Khalil, when I saw him today, and knew you and him were together..." He closed his eyes and made a face, "It threw me off like... it just ate my guts out! To think of you in his arms -- with anyone else -- I couldn't handle it." He looked me in the eye. "I gotta tell ya right now, Khalil, I'm a very jealous guy. I mean, if another guy ever tries to get you..." I watched the veins on his temples pop up, "I'd kill him with my bare hands," he unconsciously balled his fists, emphasizing his point.
Now I admit, I kinda swooned. Intellectually, I had sneered at men who had this attitude over their women before -- guys who pounded their chests like Tarzan and such -- but I knew Cole wasn't stupid. His nature was just very, very devoted and possessive. It sent shivers down my spine and I just felt so loved and protected, and that much more his. Look at it however you like, but it felt good, okay?
"We're together -- us. You're mine now. I'm yours." His eyes narrowed in absolute seriousness. "But if anyone even looks at you the wrong way... I'll fuckin' beat him to a pulp, baby. And I won't even think twice about it."
I gulped audibly and more shivers ran down my spine. "But Tyson and I only got together when..."
"I know, baby, I know," he said soothingly. "I'm not gonna hold that against him. I can see he's probably a nice guy, and I can tell you did... love him."
I watched his face muscles tighten when he said it. He looked worried, and blinked rapidly several times. "Can you let... you just gotta let him go, baby, you can't love him still," he insisted, his face creased with pain. "That'd drive me crazy -- I mean really, really crazy!"
I sighed. "Cole, I'm sorry for how that affects you, but, man, Ty just about brought me back to life. I was walkin' around like a zombie, all strung out on you. I mean, I was just a bad dream away from goin' back over the edge, y'know?"
I needed for him to understand what Tyson meant to me, "And the thing is, you don't have any idea what he's been through,"
I paused
"Tyson has gone over the edge before," I continued, between breathes "but he lived through it, and he helped me come to grips with what I'd almost done. And like, him just being him, and loving me... that was what got me over it and ready to move on with living. And with loving," I added quietly, looking down at his stomach.
I looked back up. "And that black eye he has? That's his own dad's handiwork from Monday morning! Half his body right now is one big bruise. That fucker has broken Ty's bones before, and put him in the hospital a few times. He even once tried to rape him -- and did rape his sister."
"God..." he muttered. I could see him trying to fathom a painful life like that. But it was beyond his realm of experience -- mine too; but I had at least seen the immediate results of what it was like for Ty.
"Oh, there's a lot more, besides his old man," I continued. "Tyson's nearly been killed, living on the streets in Houston, just sixteen years old. You ever had a gun held to your head on the side of the freeway and told to get the hell out of Dodge or you're dead? Well that's the kinda shit he's been through." My voice was thick with emotion, "But man, he's such a good and loving person even after all that. He just doesn't deserve to be hurt any more." I started crying again. "And I don't want to be the one who hurts him again!"
Cole hugged me to him. "I'm sorry, babe. I see -- I understand better now," he rocked me gently side to side. "We'll work it out somehow." After a moment, he pulled back to look at me, "You know, you just make me love you more with every little thing I learn about you. You're so kind, so compassionate. The world's a better place 'cause you're in it." He paused, and a big grin spread across his face. "You get a 'Good Guy Gold Star,'" he said, then tweaked my nose. I had to laugh a little, and sniffle.
"So, is there anything I can do to help?" he asked. "You want me to be with you when you talk to him? I promise I'll be nice -- I mean, I don't hate him or anything."
I shook my head. "I don't know. No, I don't think that'd be a good idea." I pondered several scenarios, but none of them seemed better than the truth. "I just have to face him and be honest. I owe him that." I shrugged, "Like Celia said, 'be honest.'"
"Who's Celia? Tyson said her name, too."
"Uh... long story. I'll tell ya sometime. She's pretty special. I guess I'll tell you what I did at her house, too," I said, feeling my cheeks burn slightly.
Cole gave me an odd look, "What? Something bad -- or naughty?"
"Well, no," I said nervously. "Not bad at all. Well, to a lot of people..."
"What? Tell me!" He smiled, all curious. He squeezed my ass cheeks playfully.
"No, I definitely don't wanna get into all that right now," I said. "I'll tell you the whole thing sometime, but right now..." I leaned into him and breathed in deeply. "I want..." I put my lips to his neck and held them there, darting my tongue out to taste him.
"Oh God yeah," he said through his teeth as he squeezed me into him again, hands roaming all over my backside. He moaned a deep "Mmmmm," and the vibration in his neck set my tongue to buzzing with the most wonderful flavor in the world: Cole.