MAIN CHARACTER 👆🏾
KHALIL💕
Cole turned to see what I was looking at and stopped short for a moment. I could see the side of his face as he looked past me to Jaida. He looked down embarrassed as if he'd been caught doing something, then glanced at me and back to Jaida.
She looked perplexed as we closed the distance between us.
"Cole, what's going on?" she asked in a worried tone, just as the lunch bell rang.
"Uh, nothing. I need to talk to Khalil about, uh... some tutoring stuff. That's all," he said nervously, looking everywhere but at her.
She wasn't buying it. "You have been crying!" she exclaimed.
"Khadeijah said so, and she also said that you and some other nigga almost got in a fight over Khalil -- that y'all were talking about suicide and he told you to leave Khalil alone. It didn't make sense. I'm really confused, Cole. What's going on?"
She seemed almost scared. It made me feel sorry for her.
If Cole somehow wanted me back now -- though I didn't think I would go back to him, but if I were to -- what was he going to do about Jaida? I assumed that she was in love with him. I didn't want to see anyone hurt, and it seemed like she didn't deserve to be hurt any more than any of the rest of us. I wanted to tell her I was just as confused.
Cole was squirming uncomfortably, trying to figure out how to handle this situation.
"Umm..." he began. "Look, Jaida, I can't tell you anything until I talk to Khalil." He paused to gather his thoughts for a moment, "I'm trying to work some things out. I'll call you tonight. We'll talk then, 'kay?" He didn't wait for an answer. He started walking, glancing to make sure I was following, but never looked back at Jaida. I felt guilty.
Jaida stood frozen to the spot, questions on her face. I had to nearly trot just to keep up with his long purposeful strides. I looked back at her a couple of times as Cole headed towards the athletic and arts complex at the far end of the campus.
"Where are we going here?" I asked.
"To a private place we can talk."
"What about what Khadeijah said? If she really truly saw what happened, it'll be all over school before the end of the day, y'know," I cautioned him.
I knew Khadeijah Jackson was a our school gossiper if you wanted to know anything go to her and she will spill all the tea hot or cold, so it had to be her she was referring to, even though I didn't remember seeing her there.
"I can't get into that right now," he retorted, picking up the pace. "I'll deal with all that later." We were less than halfway there when the final bell rang, our footsteps echoing on the rapidly emptying sidewalk. Trotting to keep up with him, I kept looking around, hoping to see Tyson as we approached the athletics center. I felt so bad about letting him walk away upset and unsure.
As far as I was concerned, I loved him now. 'I sure am getting the feeling Cole is about to try to get me back,' I thought, 'but I've committed to Ty now. I love him. Cole had plenty of time to apologize and try to make up for what he did and try to get me back before I met Ty. But it's too late now.'
I had just needed so badly for so long to talk to Cole, that I didn't want to miss the chance. I didn't know what I wanted to say to him now, at least not clearly, but I was at least ready to hear his apology and some kind of explanation.
I felt like it would surely help me, to express how everything had affected me - and I might finally be able to get Cole out of my head.
We entered the sprawling complex, which housed an enormous gym with a basketball court and bleachers, a smaller practice court on a second level at one end, open on one side overlooking the main one, the heated indoor swimming pool, the girls' gym, and of course, all the locker rooms, showers and coach's offices. The auditorium, band hall and theater filled out the other side of the building, accessible from a separate entrance.
I was surprised that it was so deserted. We saw only the tail end of a freshman Phys Ed class exiting to the gymnasium, already halfway through their period after B lunch.
I followed Cole through several doorways to the coach's office area. Cole waved as we passed the window of one coach sitting in his office on the phone. He opened a utility closet and pulled a key off a little rack.
"C'mon," he took me by the arm and led me down a tiny hallway lined with pipes he had to duck under, to a door that led to a stairwell. We descended to the boiler room and walked through the rows of tanks and pipes snaking off in all directions. The room was dimly lit, the heat and humidity in the air was to much to bare, and the noise above was loud.
The image of secret agents came into my mind as we wound our way through the shadowy maze to some mysterious point, which turned out to be a small maintenance room.
Cole locked the door behind us and faced me. It was quiet in the little room and smelled of dust and grease. It was crowded with cleaning material, jugs of chemicals, and tool parts. There was a small area between the worktable and a row of cabinets that we could stand in. And he just stood there, looking into my eyes for a long moment, his face blank and unexpressive.
I didn't know what to think. I didn't get lost in his eyes -- for the first time ever. I couldn't tell what he was thinking at that point, so I just waited for what he had to say, determined to hear him out and go find Tyson.
Finally he spoke, almost startling me. "Did you really try to... to kill yourself?" He stammered quietly, averting his eyes as if he couldn't look me in the eye when I answered.
I looked down at the shop-vac beside us, fidgeting, embarrassed to admit it, "Well... yeah, I was about to. But a friend stopped me. I don't like to think about it," I mumbled.
He snapped his eyes back on me, "Oh, Khalil -- I'm so sorry for how I treated you. I don't know what I would've done if you'd..." He squeezed his eyes shut, trying to get the picture out of his mind, then opened them and went on, "I'll never forgive myself for what I did, the things I said, for letting Mom twist my head around that morning."
He placed his left hand on my shoulder and stared at me, a stern expression on his face, but sadness in his eyes. I was kinda surprised at my lack of emotion at that moment -- or I should say, the evenness of my emotions.
I saw the pain and remorse in his eyes, and I felt them in my heart, but I was somehow detached just enough not to fall into his eyes, to hold my emotions in check long enough to let him say what he had to say.
"I hardly sleep at night thinking of you," he continued, "of how I hurt you -- how stupid and cruel I was. I've come close to getting knocked down to second-string on the team 'cause I cant get enough sleep and can't function with a clear head. And Mom kept messing with my head -- like brainwashing me or something to be straight... to just forget about you," he said, shaking his head.
He took a step closer to me. "But that's all I could think about was you," his voice was thick with emotion. "I can tell ya, I tried not to! I tried to forget about you. I wanted her to be right! I tried to convince myself I wasn't gay, that I wasn't in love with you. Goddammit, my life would be so fucking much easier!" His hand fell from my shoulder as he slumped against the cabinet door to his right and looked down at the handle, absently tracing it with his fingers, shaking his head slowly back and forth.
"Everything's changed -- my whole life, the way I see things. I don't know what to do or what to think. I don't know what I am anymore, who I am, what I'm gonna do with myself." He looked so sad.
His voice quivered on the edge of breaking, "And I don't know what to do about you now. I mean, now I see you've already found someone else and -- God, I just blew everything all the way around. I don't know what to do, Khalil, I just had to tell you how sorry I was, and... Well I wanted to know how you felt about me now; but when I planned to ask you, I didn't know you'd met someone."
His gaze fell back down as he covered his eyes with his left hand and started crying, shoulders jerking with his sobs. "I'm so sorry I hurt you, I'm just so sorry for everything!"
My shoulders sagged as my resolve to be detached and just listen crumbled. This wasn't going the way I thought it would. Tears started rolling down my cheeks as I touched his forearm tentatively. My heart was melting and all the emotions were flooding back in, wave after wave.
The love, the excruciatingly intense love that I had for him that weekend, feeling like I was floating above the ground, the euphoria that made the drug trip I'd taken later seem like nothing in comparison.
The pain was almost as physical and emotional as when he yelled at me and ripped my heart out in the car -- when he'd held me down in the grass and ground my spirit into dust, leaving my love to die a slow painful death. And I remembered the nights I'd spent dreaming of him. Hating myself, and dreaming of him, wanting to die, and dreaming of him, wanting to let go, yet still dreaming of him. All of it came back -- every bit as intense as it originally was.
Cole's hand slipped from his eyes and he looked down at my fingers touching his arm.
"Saying 'I don't love you' that morning was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life." He slowly looked up through his tears as he spoke. "It was the biggest and cruelest lie I've ever told," he paused, eyes drilling into my soul. "I tried to block you out -- to convince myself I didn't really love you, that it was all just something I tried -- like Mom kept saying -- that it was just experimenting. But I couldn't get you out of my head, Khalil. I couldn't block out the feelings, the love. And I couldn't stop beating myself up for how I treated you."
He was talking faster and louder through his sobs, "I dreamed about you every single night and would wake up sweating. I saw your face everywhere I went -- and all I could see was the hurt in your eyes that morning in the car and that yard and it just kills me!" His voice was breaking every time he emphasized a word. "I hate myself for what I did to you and I still love you so much it hurts, and I don't know how to handle it and I don't know what to do now you've found someone else!" He turned his head down and covered his eyes again, embarrassed to let me see him crying.
I felt his pain to my core as he laid his emotions bare for me to see and feel. I didn't think I wanted to let myself feel it like that, but I didn't have a choice. I felt it just as strongly as I felt my own pain and confusion. I was drawn to him, to comfort him, to love him. I stepped in closer and he blindly reached out and grabbed me in a frantic embrace, squeezing me into his body, wracked with sobs, burying his face down into my neck.
"Please forgive me, Khalil," he begged. "Please forgive me! I need you. I need you so bad. Please love me still, Khalil, please..." He cried into my neck as I looked heavenward through my tears, trying to breathe as he squeezed me, trying to distinguish my emotions from his -- knowing that it must mean something if I had such a hard time doing that.
"I don't know how you feel about Tyson," he sobbed, "but there's no way he could love you more than I do -- no one could! I love you so much! I'll do whatever it takes to prove how much I love you -- anything. Just please take me back, Khalil." He went silent, maybe waiting for a response, but it gave me a little time to think.
I was still trying desperately to be objective, to see things clearly, to not just give myself blindly back to him, to remember the vision of hell he'd put me through. I thought of Tyson: of what we had, of all he'd been through, how much he seemed to love and need me. I saw his eyes sparkling when he laughed, saw him leaning on my car the day I met him, Dreads an all. I saw his battered body when I kissed every bruise that night in my bathroom, and remembered how I gave my heart to him.
I thought of Celia and the things she'd said. I remembered the bleak feeling that stormy day as we were leaving Galveston, like my love for Ty was born under a bad sign, like it was doomed from the start. But I hadn't wanted to accept that, and Celia had said it could all work out...
I tried not to think of how it felt to be held in Cole's arms again, to be squeezed so tightly against his muscular body, one hand gripping my waist and the other gripping my shoulder blade almost painfully in his agony. I tried not to feel his heat, I tried not to breathe in his scent,I tried not to feel the raw emotion streaming from him directly into my soul -- because I tried not to be scared of him, scared of the power he had over me, the ability to hurt me so deeply, so easily.
Even as he was opening up and making himself vulnerable to me, giving me the power to hurt him now if I wanted to, I knew I wasn't capable of doing so -- but he had proven he was. Logic told me to say no, to remember the pain, think of Ty, his embrace, his humor, his love...
Trying not to be abrupt, I slowly extricated myself from his arms. He raised his head, asking silently through his tears why I was backing away. I found it hard to look in his eyes as I struggled to form words.
"I'm... Cole, I'm..." I looked for help at some kind of machine on the table that had been methodically torn assunder. I wanted to be direct and honest -- but not hurt him at the same time, "I love Ty now. He's good to me. I... I think he loves me too. I really do."
"Khalil..." he started.
I cut him off as my pent-up emotions erupted. "Do you think I can just forget everything you said that morning? Do you really have any idea what that did to me?" Tears flooded down my face as I remembered in vivid detail every single word either of us said that morning in the car and the yard. "Cole, you know I fell in love with you the day I met you, and, and I made you my whole world that weekend!" My voice was loud, but faltering in the small room.
I looked into his eyes, "You made me feel like I was someone beautiful, someone special -- like I could be loved. I never felt like that before in my life. Cole, I worshipped you! I had never even dared to dream or fantasize I could ever have someone as gorgeous and strong and -- nice -- as you, fall in love with me. I would have done anything for you! In just that short a time, I already loved you more than life itself -- and those aren't just words! I gave myself, my heart, my emotions.......my virginity -- everything to you." Trembling, my eyes closed around my tears and my head bowed, "And then you ripped my heart out and just crushed me..."
"Oh God, Khalil," he croaked, as he reached for me again, pulling me back into him. "Oh God, I know how bad I hurt you -- I KNOW! I do! I swear to God I know and I hate myself for it. I was..."
"But you looked me right in the eye and said it, Cole!" I wailed into his shoulder as he held me tightly again, my arms hanging limply at my sides.
He whispered in my ear, "It was a lie, Khalil . It was a cruel lie. I knew it was a lie when I said it. I was just so scared, and stupid," he cried into my ear. "I'm so sorry I hurt you. Please believe me. I love you and promise I'll make up for what I did to you. Please don't hate me. Please forgive me, Khalil ?"
"It's not that easy!" I pushed him away and regretted it, even as my anger and hurt were making me do it. He winced and his body sagged.
"I thought our love was already strong enough that morning for you to be able to tell me we could go on, even if we had to hide it from her! But it wasn't!" I was flushed and trembling, equally in anger and pain, "And you were able to say you don't love me to my face!" I glared at him through my tears. "How do I..."
"I was scared, Khalil! I was totally fucking scared - I didn't know what to do!" he pleaded, "I never had to deal with anything like this before. Can you understand how scared I was? All that shit she said had me so fucking confused..." He looked down at the space between us and sobbed, "If I'd of had time to think before she... I'm sorry I let you down - let us down, so completely." he said, barely more than a mumble. "If I could unwind that day and do it all over again... I'm so ashamed." He looked up again and spread his hands pleadingly, "I'm begging you to forgive me, Khalil. Please give me another chance?" He gently reached for me and pulled me back into him. I didn't resist.
"I love you. I knew it then. I was just so scared..." he said wrapping his arms around me again.
He was getting to me. He was getting through. My barriers were crumbling, washing away in the flood of both our tears. I fought it. 'Ty,' I thought, trying to imagine my words radiating through the walls. 'Tyson Harmon, I love you -- you know that, don't you? I don't want to let you go -- but Cole Manning has this power over me. I don't know if I can deny him. I need your strength to resist him! Can you feel or hear my thoughts?'
I tried debating with myself, as if I thought that could change what I already knew
'Whoa, I feel it physically, almost like a hum through my whole body, and getting these -- what do I call them? Love rushes? How foolish can I be? Why take the risk of Cole hurting me again? I can tell he really is truly sorry and he means it when he says how much he loves me, but logic says to walk away, don't give him another chance to hurt me -- but I don't think I can! What is it about him? Look in those eyes and you'll see what. I'm smart enough to take an emotional step back and be objective here, aren't I? OK, this feeling is really powerful, but after what he did, I should not be willing to open myself up to that possibility again. And Ty -- am I willing to just walk away from him? It would prove Celia's initial feelings were right wouldnt they .'