"Sit anywhere you like." I gesture around the room to Carol as I move to sit on the couch.
"You know for the whole time you've had this place I don't think I have fully explored it. I mean I don't think I have ever been in your office." Carol glances around as she walks to my desk pushing some of the paperwork to one side and hoists herself to sit in the middle of it with her feet on my chair.
"Really, There is literally an armchair and an ottoman right there and you sit on my desk?" I shake my head with a giggle.
"You said sit anywhere, so I am sitting here." Carol shrugs and I decide not to fight with her on it.
"So how are we doing this? You wanna ask me a question and we go from there or you're gonna just sit in silence until I can't handle it and burst into long paragraphs of speech."
"As much as I want to make you uncomfortable by sitting here, on your desk, in silence watching you squirm on that couch because of how you just disappeared on me, I feel like we could be sitting here for a very long time. Now I am a patient person but I am not that patient so I guess we will have to go with the first option."
"That was a very long winded way of just saying I'll ask questions." Carol chuckles as she picks up one of my many notebooks and one of my nice expensive pens, takes the cap off and scribbles something down.
"You're taking notes?" I raise my brow as Carol finishes her quick scribble.
"Well I don't know how much information you're gonna throw at me and as much as I wish I had this awesome memory that would just let me remember it all and allow me to help you. I don't. So I am taking notes in case we talk for hours and then at least I don't have to ask dumb questions and basically make you say it all again."
"Okay well I guess you can ask away." I move to lay down on the couch putting a cushion behind my head then rest my hands on my stomach.
"First question, why do you look like you're in a therapy session on a TV show?" I turn my head to look at Carol who has now put my blue light glasses on, resting them on the end of her nose as her eyes look at me over the rims.
"Because I'm tired and want to lay down."
"Fair." She scribbles something in the notebook before looking back at me.
"So why did you have to leave without telling anyone?"
"Wow jumping right into it I see." I roll my shoulders back as I try to allow myself to get more comfortable.
"Of course. So what happened?"
"You really want to know?" Carol gives me a look over her glasses. "Fine, fine."
"Just take your time." I nod slowly at Carol's words and look up to the ceiling.
"There was so much that happened at thanksgiving. Wanda's dad was a little intense but I expected him to be, but her mom was very defensive and pushed him back into place. Wanda accidentally revealed that she knew I couldn't have children but only because Tony told her not me. Also turns out Wanda hit Yelena and Kate and Natasha didn't tell me. They all just kept it from me because I guess they were scared of how I would react which is fair but time and time again when I think I am getting to a good place all these secrets spill and push me back to a place I don't want to be. I mean how could Tony go behind my back and tell Wanda something so private? How could Wanda not tell me that Tony had told her! Wanda knows how I feel about people being violent to those around me, and I mean Yelena was being a huge bitch but it doesn't mean she has the right to hit her. So then I decided in the moment to just leave and get out of there. I just needed some time to think and be by myself."
"Mhmm, mhmm. Okay and breathe." I look over at Carol who is still writing in the notebook in between taking glances at me. "You just spoke so fast and you said a lot. Let your lungs rest for a second."
"I ... you have nothing to say?" I scrunch my eyebrows in confusion.
"Oh no, I have a lot of stuff I would like to say. But I am asking questions, not giving my opinions ... just yet." She mumbles the last bit as she finally stops scribbling in the book and looks up at me.
"So Wanda knows you can't have children?"
"Yeah."
"But you didn't tell her?"
"No, no, Tony did."
"Right. But you wanted to tell her?"
"Of course I did. That's not something you keep from someone you want a future with for too long."
"Right so you were going to tell her?"
"Yeah. Yeah of course I was."
"You don't sound too confident in that answer."
"I mean I did want to tell her." I look at Carol who just raises a brow at my answer. "I wanted to."
"Wanted is different to going to. You may want to jump out of a plane at 25 '000 feet with only a parachute to slow your fall but it doesn't mean you are going to do it." I look out the window, up to the overcast sky ignoring the way I can feel Carol's eyes boring holes in the side of my head. "Be honest Y/n. Not just with me but with yourself. Were you ever going to tell Wanda you couldn't have children?"
"I ..." I swallow the lump that's building in my throat pulling the end of my sleeves past my hand as I look back to my sister. "I would have done it if we ever got into the conversation."
"Okay and if you never actually got onto that conversation topic because you guys are just happy with having twins. Would you have had the conversation? Would you have brought it up on your own free will?"
"Uhm, I don't..." I feel my bottom lip start to quiver and the corners of my eye start to sting with the build up of tears. "I don't think I would have, no."
"But she is your girlfriend. Your partner. The person you say you love. Now I know that these things are private but how can you say you want to be with someone like that if you can't trust them with something like this. Now I am not saying you had to tell her by now, you guys have only been dating a few months but you knew deep down it is something you would probably never have told her. How is that fair on her?" Carol takes a deep breath as she removes the glasses, placing them on my desk. "Now I am not excusing her behaviour and what she did, and the situation that happened is in no way your fault. But it is also not all hers."
"She said I didn't know what it was like to have kids."
"You've told me that one. Over a frantic voicemail a while back and you didn't answer me for a few days. You two got past that, so don't try to dredge up past stuff and stick with the current."
"Well, yeah, we got past it but it doesn't mean that this situation doesn't bring that back up."
"Get that but this second time around really wasn't Wanda's fault. It's Tony's. He was the one who told Wanda about the whole kid situation and you know what I think."
"What?" I go back to staring out the window hating how much sense she is making about this particular situation.
"I think Wanda was just trying to figure out how to bring up the situation without causing you to have a great big meltdown that makes you run away. But she didn't get the chance, because you figured out she knew. Then you had that meltdown and ran away. You didn't even let her try to explain herself from what I am gathering from you. You just left. Now I get that finding out your partner knows about your lack of child bearing properties without you telling her is a hard blow, but how is that in any way her fault and constitute you just leaving her like that!"
"Well it wasn't just that."
"Right you learnt she hit Yelena after Yelena was a bitch to you. Oh and your friends kept it from you. Once again not completely her fault. Also if that Yelena girl was being a bitch I am glad someone put her in her place."
"But."
"Yeah, yeah I get you're still traumatised from Steph and all her bullshit but you seem to get extremely triggered by anything that is violence even when it is not directed at you and is in fact being used to defend you."
"Yeah but people shouldn't just jump straight to violence."
"I work with a flying killing death machine and I choose to do that. Do you condemn my actions?"
"What?! No, never!" I sit up straight facing Carol worried she actually thinks that. "You're defending the country and the people in it."
"Okay and how is that any different from people defending you?"
"I.. well." I sigh, resting my chin on my palms and resting my elbows on my knees.
"Exactly. I choose to have a job where I kill people for a living, she didn't choose to go out to hit Yelena that day. It wasn't in her plans. Sometimes hitting someone just happens. We can't always control our actions and out of frustration from people not listening or continuing to fight back the next natural action is to hit. I'm sure that once Wanda hit Yelena I am sure she felt remorse straight away."
"How do you know that?"
"Because she didn't tell you. She felt guilty. She felt like she couldn't tell you because of the way you could react and she was proven right when you ran away when you found out about it. I have hit Steph in front of you and you didn't react badly so what is the difference between me and Wanda? We both love you and we were both defending you. So why do I get a thank you hug and why does Wanda get your cold shoulder and a disappearing act?"
"You're my sister."
"Oh and that excuses my actions? Wanda is your girlfriend, she has every right to defend you as much as I do, as do your friends. You can't use your past with Steph as an excuse every time. Yes you have trauma. Yes you have PTSD. But you are also in therapy and I know for a fact that you have coping mechanisms and I know that you know that you can control your reactions better than I have heard you have been. So why are you trying to destroy something that could be so good for you and then making excuses?"
"I thought you said you were only here to ask questions and not give opinions?" I rub my face with a groan looking at Carol through the gaps between my fingers.
"Firstly, I asked why are you making excuses for destroying something that could be so good for you. So question. Secondly I said I wouldn't give my opinion just yet and I never said I wouldn't do it."
"Smartass."
"Just because I am right. Now answer the question. Why are you destroying something so good and making excuses for it?"
"Everything good in my life has always ended so badly and with me in tears. I mean look at what happened to Sarah and Evie. Look what happened when I was younger with our parents. Look at what happened with Steph! Every personal relationship I have had has ended in a fiery pit of death or destruction."
"So what? You're destroying your relationship with Wanda before it may or may not destroy itself? Look, you're my sister and I was put on this earth to be your protector. But I am also the person who needs to bring you back down to earth and give you a worded slap to the back of the head when you are being so fucking stupid. And right now you are being so fucking stupid. From the small amount you've told me about Wanda, the good and the bad, I can tell that this woman loves you."
"Carol..." Carol shakes her head holding a finger in the air to silence me as she clambers off the desk and into my desk chair rolling over the floor until she is within arms length of me.
"No, Y/n you've said your piece. Now just listen. Wanda has let you into her life, into her boy's life. A mother doesn't just let anyone meet her children because children become attached to that person. Now imagine if that person just never showed up again one day, there are only two people those children would blame. Themselves or their mother. And that's exactly what you did to those boys. You just left them that easily!"
"Wanda told them I was on a work trip."
"And she wouldn't have had to do that if you didn't fucking disappear on that family. Wanda trusted you enough to introduce you to her boys. You formed bonds with them. In their eyes you are family. You left your family behind Y/n. And yes I get you were dealing with a lot but the moment it got a little tough, instead of just holding your head high and putting your big girl pants on and dealing with it in private with Wanda later you just upped and left. You can't do that. Not to the family, especially not to those kids."
"But she kept things from me."
"Because she was trying to protect you! She was worried about how you would react to certain situations and she was right to be worried! Yeah she kept things from you but you kept things from her, bit hypocritical if you ask me."
"I just. I want someone who appreciates my need for communication." As soon as I hear the words leave myself I know how dumb it sounds and by the way Carol sighs she has an opinion on it.
"Wanda respects that. She kept the fact that she hit someone quiet, and what Tony told her not because she didn't want to tell you. But she was probably thinking about the best way to bring up the situations in a way in which she could get her side and points across without you jumping to conclusions and letting your emotions take control. She trusts you with her children, she is older than you and has lived more life than you. Sure that doesn't always mean anything but from what Laura would tell me and from what you've told me about her she has a hell of a lot of experience with someone who runs her life based on their emotions."
"You're talking about her ex-husband."
"Yes. Now I don't know the details I just know he was controlling and his emotions were a big part of that. And I only know this because the first time Wanda said something that hurt you I was ready to confront her and I phoned Laura to see if she knew where Wanda was and Laura gave me some advice. Also, does your girlfriend know that you talk about her past to your mom?" She tilts her head and I look down to the ground. "Exactly what I thought."
"Do you have a point to your ramblings or are you just gonna keep segwaying to different things?"
"Don't be rude. Look what I am trying to say is that Wanda is used to someone's emotions controlling them and controlling their relationship. She has trauma she is working through too Y/n not just you. She wanted to think about how she could bring the two topics of conversation up firstly because of your past to certain things and secondly because she was scared that she would get a reaction she was used to with her Ex. She was doing it to protect you both and you gave her a reaction that she would have expected from her ex, something she was also expecting from you. She is afraid of our reactions because she has seen them before obviously."
"I mean I may have had a few emotional moments here and there." I lean back resting my head on the back of the couch looking up to the ceiling. "My leaving was good for me at the moment but really bad for her and maybe our future."
"Maybe or maybe not. You two need to talk. Really talk and you need to let her do the talking. You need to let her explain her reasoning. You need to show her that you are in control of your reaction to certain things otherwise you will both be walking on eggshells around each other and you will never be a happy couple. You both need to be up front and honest to make what you two have amazing. And you need to stop blaming Wanda for things out of her control."
"Yeah we saw each other today when I went to see her brother in hospital and we discussed that we needed to talk."
"I am glad to hear that. I am also surprised to hear you went to the hospital just to check on her brother. You hate hospitals. But that's good. Grip onto that feeling of why you went to that hospital, it was for her. Now hold onto that when you are speaking with her and remember that you both have been through things and you both deal with things differently."
"I should have trusted her." I swallow my emotions as I sit back up to see Carol giving me a sad smile and a slow nod.
"Yes you should have. But we all make mistakes. It's what you do to show your remorse and show you can do better than count after something like this. You still love her, yes?"
"Yes of course I do. I don't think I could stop anytime soon, maybe ever. I love her, I really truly do."
"Then you have to learn to trust her completely. You have to give yourself completely to her. You have to let her in fully."
"I can try."
"No you won't just try, you will. If you truly love her the way you say you do, you will let her see every dark corner of your life, every skeleton in your closet. Just let her all the way in and let her love you. Don't destroy something that could be so beautiful."
"I can do that." Carol smiles at me, grabbing my hands in hers giving them a gentle squeeze.
"Good."
"Thank you Carol, for making me see sense. Making me see it all."
"I am your older sister. My job is to protect you. Even if that means protecting you from yourself." She gives my hands a gentle squeeze. "What do you say we go and join the girls for the movie and drinks now?"
"Yeah I can do that." Carol stands up pulling my arms with her to try and get me to stand up with her.
"Come on, I want to meet your friends properly and get the dirty details of your love life and maybe spill some things from when you were younger."
"No, don't you dare." Carol drops my hands as she makes her way to the door.
"Just try and stop me." She bolts out of the room, flipping me off behind her back as she does and I'm immediately on my feet going to chase after her.
"Wait Carol, don't tell them the story of how you walked in on me and Sarah!" I shout down the hallway after her and she looks over her shoulder with a cheeky smile before running down the stairs shouting back to me.
"Can't make any promises!"
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Word Count: 3369