"Do you think he hates me?"
Getting her out of bed and into the bathtub was a difficult task for Dazai. She seemed not to want to move at all. She laid heavily on the mattress beside the bed he had slept on as he sat on the edge of the bed trying to wake her up. The room smelled like cigarette smoke and spilled liquor on the carpet, the walls that were keeping them safe from the rest of the world were now starting to collapse, trapping them inside.
Dazai could feel the clock ticking. They did not have much time.
So he chose to carry her out of the bed where she sank and headed for their safe space: the bathroom.
Right now they were both on the bathtub steam filling the air, making the mirrors foggy and unable to show reflections, maybe that's why they liked it in there, unable to see what the mirror made obvious.
Dazai was looking at her, staring at her clouded eyes. He was thinking about how to deliver his answer, calculating the one that would inflict less damage, the one that wont make her want to drag herself back to bed. He could lie, but the thought alone made him bite his tongue. Quite literally, every time he lied, he had bitten his tongue right before, as a way of punishing himself for every deceiving word he had said.
"I think he wants to, but is unable to"
He decided to be as truthful as his wicked mind and soul allowed him to. Her heavy eyes focused and looked at the man in front of her. His hair slicked back, his eyes slowly healing, but the bruise still painted on his skin. The bags under his eyes told the story of a long and sleepless night.
"I hurt him so much it makes no sense he can't hate me" her tone was confused and angry, frustrated on how she was not getting punished for causing damage.
Dazai started to see himself in her eyes. He wanted to throw up.
"That's because he loves you"
She stayed silent, only the water dripping from her hair making small splashing sounds that echoed in the small room they were in. He looked at her carefully, the question he wanted to ask oh so desperately stuck on his throat.
"Do you love him?" Dazai whispered, lips trembling and without breath.
Her eyes met his, an unusual coldness on them as she stared so intensely at him that Dazai thought he would melt into the water and find himself getting flushed into the drain.
"No, but I could have." She whispered back, looking away from him. Dazai's jaw tensed up.
"Do you regret staying with me?"
He held her stare. Her eyes were burning with an unknown flame behind them, and Dazai could feel himself starting to melt from just the warm breeze. A small smirk formed in her lips.
"I want to, but I'm unable to."
Drip, drip, drip.
"Osamu... do you love me?" She asked with a face that reflected that she knew the answer.
Dazai felt his heart skip a beat without his control, without him ordering it to. Shivers down his spine let him know he was in a complicated situation. He wanted to open his mouth and let something other than his brain talk, but he ended up biting his tongue.
"I want to, but I'm unable to"
With a scoff that let out frustration and sadness, she stood up from the bathtub, letting the drops of water fall and make music that would fill up the silence of the room, and then she walked away, off to get ready and ignore once again, another gloomy bathroom session.
***
"What do you mean you got this information with the help of a robotic detective? Are you on drugs?"
Bobby's voice was louder than usual, a vein popping on his forehead, the new gray hairs showing on his head. He was done with us, but also grateful since we bring to the table new and useful information.
"Not at the moment, but a little bit of weed would be nice" Dazai said casually, his feet on top of the desk that was not his own. He was acting brattier than usual.
"This is a police station" Sam said, trying to reason with Dazai like it was a reachable task.
I shrugged my shoulders and sat on one of the chairs at the table. This time we were in a bigger room, often used for gatherings and work reunions. Displayed on the table there was a map and a cellphone. There were also copies from the chats Adam had sent to Bobby. The texts were read over and over again, they were all talking to different people, not a single name was repeated so at least one of them should be a fake name. Bobby had already investigated and called the boys that were talking and went out with the victims. They were all identified and cooperative with the police, except one.
Thomas and Daniel.
Two different names, one person. The prime suspect.
Dazai was rocking on his chair, feet up the table, earphones on his head, humming a tune with his eyes closed. Bobby and Sam yelling something at him and getting frustrated because he seems useless. I kept wondering if I am living up to Dazai's expectations, should I be solving this quicker?
"Osamu"
He opens his eyes and looks at me with a face that would make you forget he used to be a ruthless man. Maybe he still is.
"Yes, dear?" Soft smile on his lips, hand pulls off the headphones to listen to me clearer.
"Choose wisely and let's get the plan going, okay?" I said with a sweet voice as I dropped three different job applications for different places. A café, a bar, and a restaurant. They were all in a strategic location, the perimeter was close to where the bodies were found, to where the hunting ground was.
Dazai stared at the job applications and the map. His eyes wandered from one place to another, his expression void of feeling, his eyes opaque for the moment. Sam and Bobby were looking at us quite weirdly, they were not used to seeing us actually work without bickering with each other or joking around. Truth was, I was getting tired.
"This one, and pass me the phone, would you?" Dazai said with a calm voice. I slid the phone towards him as he handed me one of the job applications. The bar it was.
I circled the location on the map and then grabbed my bag, heading towards Dazai. He was messing up his hair, pulling out his septum piercing that was hidden inside his nose. He placed one strand of hair behind his ear showing all the pendants he had on, he reached for my bag and took out a mirror and some eyeliner.
"What is going on?" Bobby asked, not really getting what we were doing.
"Dazai is going to be the bait. He fits the category so now we just need to lure him out and wait for him to come to us." I said as I watched Dazai smudge his eyeliner and take off his coat and vest. It was the best course of action, who wouldn't want to be near someone as beautiful as the bandaged detective.
"No, we can't allow that, it's going to be one of us if that's the plan. Let me remind you that we are still the ones taking this investigation on." Bobby said with a disapproving look on his face, his eyes carried a hint of worry.
"Bobby, let me remind you that we are part of the Armed Detective Agency, we take on the cases the military police can't. Plus, if we are trying to hunt a psychotic serial killer... we might as well fight fire with fire." I said with a smirk, Bobby doesn't seem convinced in the least.
Meanwhile Dazai is taking selfies against the plain white wall. Different angles, peace sign in one, middle finger up in the other, tongue out in some. He looked great in every single one, it kinda made my blood boil.
"We are going to need weapons though, whatever you can get us authorized, that one is a favor" I said in a low voice, the shame leaking out of my words.
Dazai was still busy on the phone.
"Weapons? aren't you, you know... armed? Like with your abilities?" Sam spoke for the first time in what felt like years. He kept quiet most of the time, I could see him eyeing Dazai with calculated eyes, as if trying to read his every move. Only god knows what happened between them in that alley.
My blood freezed and my heart stopped for a second. The question I dreaded was finally going to be asked, and I have not thought enough excuses for my lack of ability. I felt like a fraud.
"Oh that's true, you have abilities, what are they by the way?" Bobby said with a curious stare. I could feel the sweat on my forehead and hands.
"I- um, blood manipulation" My throat was sore and I was thirsty all of the sudden, my teeth sinking on the inside of my cheek. Waiting, always waiting for the hit.
"That sounds so cool! Can you show us?" Sam said excited like a golden retriever.
The hit happened.
My mouth hanging open without words coming out, I tried to think but my head was filled with heavy fog. All my life I have been making excuses on the spot, lying my way through, quick responses, smart remarks. Now I am nothing but a hollow shell of what I used to be.
" Sorry, Sammy boy~ we can't use our abilities unless strictly necessary... Agency policies and whatnot! Well, guess that does not apply to me because mine is always activated"
Dazai appeared behind me, arm around my shoulders as he leaned a little of his body weight on me, his hair tickling my face. His presence made my feet stay on the ground, secured, stable. The feeling of the soft bandages brought me back to reality.
"What's your ability, detective?" Bobby asked.
"It's called No Longer Human, I can nullify any and every ability with a single touch" Dazai answered with a cheeky grin, a finger twirling a strand of my hair.
"Oh, you make it a fair fight. Who would have thought that a sketchy dude like you would have such just power." Sam said with genuine surprise in his voice. I felt Dazai's body tense up with the use of the word just.
"Enough of the chit chat, we got a murderer to catch" I said with a neutral tone, like all emotion was drained out of me. I just wanted to stop time and scream.
I want Lilith to come back.
-
They were waiting for Dazai outside the bar. It was a small bar, it reminded her of the one she used to go to when feeling down to drown her sorrows and complain about everything to Chuuya. She missed Chuuya. But the thought of how things ended between them made her want to throw up and punch a wall. So instead she took a drag out of the cigarette hanging on her hand.
"Didn't know you smoke" Sam said as he stood beside her. They were looking at the entrance door of the establishment. Backs resting against the outside of the car while Bobby waited in the driver seat.
"Only when stressed" She answered, looking directly at the door, waiting for the tall and lanky detective to appear with a winning grin.
"Oh, you shouldn't worry about the investigation, I'm sure we will catch the person behind the crimes" Sam said with eyes so bright they have never seen the night before. She stared at him and his relaxed shoulders, no weight on them to carry. She prayed to every deity she knew for them to stay that way.
"I am not worried about the outcome, I am anxious about the price to pay" She whispered as her eyes were covered with smoke.
She was supposed to be in control but she felt far from it. She held the steering wheel but did not know the directions, just aimlessly driving through the night without a place to stay or arrive.
Right before Sam could say something, Dazai opened the door triumphantly, a big grin on his face as he gave them a thumbs up, indicating that he got the job. A soft smile on her lips from the sight of watching him walk with light steps and a winning smirk.
"Haku Ishida officially has a job! And like 20 chat requests on the dating app, so I say we should go celebrate!" Dazai shouted as he spinned in circles around the street.
Next thing they knew they had convinced Bobby to take them to a karaoke out of the city to drink and sing.
The place was small and homey, full of regulars that were already drunk. They got a table out in the back where they watched the small stage perfectly. They were hearing people belt and sing like professionals, after all, LA was full of wasted talent and hopeless dreams that often got stuck on boring office jobs.
She was between Sam and Dazai while Bobby was beside Sam. Everyone was drinking beer and watching the person perform. It felt weird for her to act so casually, especially when the skeletons in her closet were threatening to come out to haunt her.
"So what weapons do you want? I'll try to get you some" Bobby said, his words starting to slur and his eyes relaxed.
"Dazai's good with guns" she said, tilting her head towards the detective that was chugging his beer like it was water, unfazed.
"She's good with knives, but likes the bow and arrow the best" Dazai said, tilting his head towards her, their eyes looking into each other, the slight tension from the morning still there.
"Really? Don't know if I can get you that... but I guess I can try" Bobby said shrugging his shoulders. Both the Agency detectives nodded in agreement, thankful for the alcohol in their veins.
"Next rounds on me... is there anything in particular you want by chance?" Sam said, his eyes staring at hers, his words were said slowly and with an intention that made Bobby want to smack his head on the table, Dazai's lips curled into a smile yet his eyes were burning with an ice cold stare.
"Oh, tequila would be nice" She answered not getting the vibe because of the beers she had drowned.
Dazai scoffed, she raised an eyebrow, Bobby was sweating.
Sam returned with beers and tequila shots. She smiled like a child, Dazai wanted to kiss her but the wall he had put on stopped him.
"Arriba, abajo, pal centro, pa dentro " She said as everyone followed her instructions and drank the liquor. They kept on chatting about trivial things, and the songs they were going to sing. Bobby refused to go on stage, Sam was nervous and didn't want to yet, so that left Dazai and the young woman in line to almost go on stage.
Sam and Bobby left for the restroom leaving them alone for a while. They were not looking at each other, just standing next to each other. Her rocking on her feet, Dazai looking at the lights hitting them on the face.
"Sammy has a crush on you, you know?" Dazai said, eyes still looking on the bright lights almost as if he is trying to go blind.
"Mmm, he will get over it, as soon as he finds out I am incapable of being loved and hurt whoever actually does." Her words were spilled like venom on skin. The hurt on her eyes made his skin crawl.
Dazai was holding onto his plastic cup like he hated it. He had asked for a plastic cup where he poured his beer and drinks. He had not told her but the memory in which the glass shard from his cup hit her on the face repeated itself on his mind every night, right before he fell asleep and right when he woke up. Everytime he looked at her he saw her bloodied face in flashbacks. It haunted him in the worst possible way. Yet he didn't say any of it, his throat would close anytime he tried to be human.
He held her stare but said nothing, her nerves grew and her stomach dropped. She turned her face to the side, unable to keep the gaze that made her feel inadequate. Cold fingers found their way into her cheeks, holding her jaw and forcing her to look back at him.
"I can't say the word that you want. I don't know if I ever will, but listen to me carefully when I say... I want you, I care for you, I crave for you, I need you. Those words I can say to you, and I will keep on repeating them even if you don't want to hear them." His voice was loud so she could hear it despite the loud music. His eyes were shining lightly on the bright lights. She opened her mouth to say something but was cut off by the sound of the person announcing Dazai's name. And so he let go of her and went to the stage.
"What we missed?" Sam said with half lidded eyes because of the drinks he had drank.
"Dazai's about to sing" She said with her breath taken away.
Oh, oh, oh
"Is that a Taylor Swift song?" Bobby said with his mouth open.
You were in college, working part-time, waiting tables
Left a small town, never looked back
I was a flight risk, with a fear of fallin'
Wondering why we bother with love, if it never lasts
"Oh yeah, we are swifties" She said with a neutral face as if it was the most obvious thing.
Dazai was singing with perfect tune on that little stage. People started to cheer for the magnetic performer.
Flash forward, and we're takin' on the world together
And there's a drawer of my things at your place
You learn my secrets and you figure out why I'm guarded
You say we'll never make my parents' mistakes
He was dancing pacing around the small stage as if it was an arena, threatening to fall from time to time. His eyes had been closed the whole time, his hands gripping on the mic.
And I remember that fight, two-thirty am
'Cause everything was slipping right out of our hands
I ran out, crying, and you followed me out into the street
He started singing loudly, making her remember how he used to sing when he thought no one was listening to him.
Braced myself for the goodbye,
'Cause that's all I've ever known
Then, you took me by surprise
You said, "I'll never leave you alone"
Making her remember how he looked free while dancing inside her living room, she remembered the first time he kissed her, the first time she remembered she was the one who kissed him first on a drunken night.
"I remember how we felt, sitting by the water
And every time I look at you, it's like the first time
I fell in love with a careless man's careful daughter
She is the best thing that's ever been mine"
He opened his eyes and walked towards her, mic in hand while he sang to her, eyes staring right into her, a hand on her cheek while he sang close to her lips. He had always had a thing for the theatrics, and with cheeks flushed she accepted his way of making peace.
The song ended and he had a smirk on his lips, his face close to hers and the drunken crowd cheering for the little performance that was given. He leaned in for the kiss but was met with a hand on his face pushing him away slightly and the mic being stolen from him.
The way you move is like a full on rainstorm
And I'm a house of cards
You're the kind of reckless that should send me running
But I kinda know that I won't get far
She started singing into the mic and walked towards the little stage with sloppy steps. He watched her in the lights with a goofy smile, maybe it was the liquor, maybe it was the timing, maybe it was because he knew that this is one of the last times he will see her singing to him.
Drop everything now
Meet me in the pouring rain
Kiss me on the sidewalk
Take away the pain
'Cause I see, sparks fly, whenever you smile
Her feet jumping off the ground repeatedly in emotion and excitement. It had been a while since she felt that free to be just a person. She sang loudly and off-key, a smile on her lips, her eyes blinded by the lights. She no longer could feel her face from all the beers and shots. The only thing that was clear in her eyes was Dazai's stupid face looking at her as she make a fool of herself, just for him.
My mind forgets to remind me, you're a bad idea
You touch me once and it's really something
You find I'm even better than you, imagined I would be
She almost spelled the first sentence, because she really meant it. Images of when she had first met Dazai rushed into the front of her head. The feeling of eyes so cold and calculated, the perfect face, the smirk so devilish it made her want to run away, but somehow she always found a reason to stay.
I run my fingers through your hair
And watch the lights go wild
Just keep on keeping your eyes on me
Its just wrong enough to make it feel right
By now she had run off the stage and climbed into the bar counter, finger pointing towards Dazai dedicating the song completely to him without shame. Her hair all over her face, her eyes lacking focus except when they landed on him.
And so, he was lured like a sailor by an off key mermaid.
And lead me up the staircase
Won't you whisper soft and slow
And I'm captivated by you baby
Like a fireworks show
He stood right in front of her, as she sang the words, her on her knees on the counter to be at his eye level, a hand on his chin so he would look at her, and in that moment he wanted to burn his plans, let them become undone and let the world just keep spinning without his intervention.
Get me with those brown eyes, baby
As the lights go down
Gimme something that'll haunt me when you're not around
'Cause I see, sparks fly, whenever you smile
Shamesly changing the lyrics so they would fit his appearance, making it known that it was for him and him only. She had decided that her pride was long gone, it was left in the room where the glass broke. This is the fate she has decided, she knew how the story would end but still kept on reading.
Dazai was done with the little chase they had around the karaoke bar, so he grabbed her by the collar and pulled her for a kiss.
With childish smirks on their faces they went on running out of the bar. Their feet kept on moving despite the yells of the two other people they came with, they knew their little honeymoon was hanging by fragile threats that were already becoming loose and threatening to snap.
Running through the streets only fueled by alcohol and delusion, they made their way to the hotel without stopping, only to steal kisses off each other. They were acting like teenagers in love, despite having bruises to prove they were not good for each other.
They made it to the hotel by the grace of an unknown god and the brain of the lanky detective. Sneaking in through the backdoor they stole food from the hotel ' s kitchen, playing a game of tag running through the hallways, avoiding elevators so they could chase after one another like they have always done. Dazai asked himself how long could they keep this up, she was praying that it was forever.
He catched up to her right when she was about to open the door of their room, pushing her back against the cold surface he pressed his body into her, a foxy smile on his face, she had rabbit eyes open wide just to stare at him.
He opened the door and she threw her arms around his neck. Sloppy kiss sealing the deal over and over again, renovating the vows they had made to each other long ago.
Clothes came off, and they allowed themselves a little indulgence. They knew it was the last time they would be staying in the same room for a while, so they were trying to make the best out of it. Dazai 's touch was strong and firm, wanting to mark his fingers on her skin, to remind her he was there, she kept on sinking her teeth on his skin, trying to teach him there are marks made out of love.
After everything was said and done, they slept clinging to each other for dear life. Dazai thought she was right, this love was the Titanic and it was indeed sinking, but somehow he tried to fool himself saying they would fit in the door, and they would be rescued so they could grow old together.
But the voice inside his head reminded him about the plan he had laid out, and how he was the one that cursed them both.
////
Sorry if this is kinda messy, a lot is going on in my life right now, the being a fanfic writer is really a curse hahaha
Also, keep in mind there will be only like three or four chapters left
Love ya