I lied to Sebastian. I wasn't going back to the party. Not like this, with his mark left inside of me, dripping down my legs as I walked. I practically ran to the dormitory with my skirt tucked between my legs to stop myself from making a mess on the floor.
I felt sick to my stomach thinking of Garreth and what I'd just done. He was really sweet and I'd let him kiss me in front of everyone today and then I just went and betrayed him because no matter how much I hate Sebastian, my body craves him. Desperately.
My shower to wash away my sins when I got back was useless. I felt as dirty as I did when I got in.
"What's up your arse?" Imelda noticed my clearly disturbed facial expressions when I got back to the dorm.
"Imelda? You're back early."
"Yeah, parties are boring. Especially after a loss. But hey, want to hear something that will cheer you up?" She beamed as she cantered over to my bed.
"I suppose you're just going to tell me anyway."
"How right you are, Olive. On my way back, I heard two people going at it in one of the classrooms. We tried to sneak a look to see who it was, but they were smart enough to lock it.
Oh. Fuck. Shit.
"Wh-which um, classroom?" I asked, trying to clear my throat but not sound suspicious. Maybe it was some other lucky couple.
"The Arithmancy classroom. I suppose that's one way to make Arithmancy interesting."
"Hah. Yeah." I tried my best to sound excited, but I was thankful it was dark because I had no doubt my cheeks were bright red now.
But I wasn't even sure if it was the Arithmancy classroom he'd dragged me to. To be honest, I never paid much attention. A group of people could have been sat in the corner watching for all I knew.
Though it was confirmed to me a few days later when I actually had Arithmancy, one of the three classes that unfortunately overlapped with Sebastian as he dragged me away from my regular spot by my sleeve and sat me down next to him.
"What are you doing?" I asked with a huff.
"I just wanted to make you sit right here with me all class. Knowing this is the desk I fucked you good on the other night." He smirked.
"Shut up!" I whispered loudly, digging my elbow into his ribs. He laughed and pulled away, still keeping his grip on my robe sleeve.
I squirmed in my seat as he moved his hand to be firmly on my thigh under the table to stop me from moving away, knowing I wouldn't protest too loudly and draw attention to it. Once class had begun, he released the grip on my leg, no doubt leaving fingers marks on my skin. I couldn't go anywhere now.
I struggled to focus during class. One, because it was mathematics which is utterly boring and two, because of Sebastian sat next to me, not giving me much space as our elbows touched together while we wrote notes.
"Why are you doing this?" I whispered, tapping my quill on my lip to not make it obvious I was speaking during class.
"It's fun watching you squirm. Besides, you won't talk to me on your own accord anymore but you never say no when I force you to do it."
I rolled my eyes, but the bastard was right. I didn't want to talk to him, but when he gave me no choice, I always obliged.
"If I talk to you, will you stop all of this?"
"Stop what?"
"The flirting."
"Olive, it's like you don't know me at all!" He said, clutching a hand at his chest like I had wounded him.
"Oh, I know you, but why me? You've got Nellie and Grace and Adelaide all throwing themselves at you. Besides, I thought you didn't want anyone. You can't be in a relationship."
"I can't. But can't I have some harmless fun?"
"It's not harmless when you're hurting people. It's one thing to hurt me, I can handle it... but what about Nellie? She probably thinks there's something between you now. Unless you want there to be."
"Of course I don't! I don't even know what I was thinking. I suppose your little public display with Garreth made me mad and I wanted to get revenge."
I scoffed in disbelief. Revenge? On me?
"Can we not talk about this now, Sebastian? You're going to get us both detention!"
"Alright. Fine. I'll see you in the Undercroft after class and we'll argue then."
I scoffed a small laugh back at the audacity of him.
We didn't speak for the rest of class and when it concluded, he took off quickly without a word. He did say we would speak after class so I decided to follow him. I called his name a few times but he didn't respond and kept walking at a ridiculously fast pace.
He made his way the Undercroft and finally acknowledged my existence again as he held the door open for me to step inside.
He let me enter first and shut the rusty gate behind him, pulling out his wand and casting a spell on it. A locking spell I presumed, but I wasn't sure whether it was to keep me in or Ominis out.
"Alright. Lay it on me." He said, holding his arms out like he was waiting to be punched.
"Lay what on you?" I cocked an eyebrow.
"Everything. Every bit of frustration, everything I've done wrong. Give it to me."
"Sebastian..." I said, I didn't know what to do.
I could hit him? Maybe just a verbal spray? But Ominis gives him those and they never work...
"If this is the only way to make it less awkward between us, then do it. Yell at me. Hit me. I don't care."
"I won't hit you." I said.
He stood and stared at me blankly, waiting for me to do something.
"Well, where should I start?" I asked.
He shrugged at me.
"Alright, let's start with this." I said, pointing at him accusingly, "You can see I'm fucking frustrated, but you just keep up the cocky facade!"
He nodded softly and continued to stare at me.
"You lead me on, get my hopes up and then just stomp on my heart again and again!"
"Yes." He said softly
I felt my face growing flushed with fury at his calm demeanor. I wasn't used to him just sitting back and letting me speak without fighting back or cutting me off or flirting with me.
"I had Ominis tell me this week that you loved me! How do you think that makes me feel, Sebastian? I'm told I can't be anything more to you than an object you fuck whenever you please, but your best friend tells me you love me! What is the truth?" I begged, my voice growing shaky from anger, frustration and sadness.
"You want the truth?"
"I do, Sebastian! My head is an utter mess, I don't know what to do or how to feel about you!" I felt my eyes begin to water, but tipped my head back to stop the tears from falling.
"Ominis is right. I do love you. I love you so much it hurts me. But I have explained to you that I can't let myself get any closer to you, to act on my feelings as much as I want to. I cannot bear the thought of opening my heart to someone and have them get hurt because it happens to everyone in my life. My parents... Anne... I don't want anything to happen to you too."
"Y-You love me?" I repeated softly.
"Yes, Olive. I love you. I have for a very, very long time. My heart aches every single day knowing I can't have you and seeing you with Weasley, loving him instead of me... it's breaking my heart almost as much as the thought of losing you."
"I don't love Garreth."
"Then what the hell are you doing, Olive?"
"Filling the void you've left. I am trying and failing miserably to force myself to feel the same way about him as I do about you. But it isn't working. There is no one else."
We both stood in front of each other, our chests heaving heavily from the weight of our confessions.
"Sebastian," I whispered, trying to make sense of it all. "If you love me, then why won't you let yourself be with me? Why won't you give us a chance? I know you have your reservations, but you can't hold onto them forever. It's not healthy."
Sebastian seemed torn, his emotions evident in the way he clenched and unclenched his fists tightly. "I already told you, I want to be with you, Olive, but I can't bear the thought of hurting you, and I know I will. Everyone I love gets hurt."
"I know you're trying to protect me, but keeping me at arm's length hurts just as much. I'm tired of feeling like I'm not enough for you," I replied, my voice trembling.
He reached out to hold my hand, but I pulled away, not ready to let him off the hook so easily.
"You can't just tell me you love me and expect everything to be okay. You've hurt me, Sebastian. Over and over again," I said, tears finally streaming down my cheeks.
He looked pained as he watched me cry, and I could see the conflict in his eyes. "I'm sorry, Olive. I truly am."
We stood in silence, the only sound Sebastian's feet shuffling slightly and the gentle sniffle of my nose as I sucked back the tears.
"Can I hold you?" Sebastian finally asked.
I hesitated for a moment, unsure if I should let him in again, but deep down, I knew I wanted to feel his arms around me, I always felt comfort in his arms. Even when he was the one causing my pain.
"Yes," I whispered, my voice barely audible.
He took a step towards me and tugged me into his chest, his hand running through my hair.
"I'm sorry. I never wanted to be a reason that you cried. I suppose I hurt you whether we are together or not." He whispered as his chin rested on top of my head.
I let out a small laugh, my tears staining his shirt.
"Do you feel better with all of that off your chest?" He asked, still holding me tightly.
"No. If anything I feel more confused. We both love each other, but here we are... just a couple of old friends who barely know each other anymore."
"Hmm, I'd argue we know a lot more about each other than we used to."
Oh, that prick. He could never help himself.
"You're infuriating, you know that?" I mumbled, my voice still trembling from the emotions that threatened to overwhelm me.
"I do. You're not the first one to tell me that either," He let out a small laugh.
I sighed softly and just relished being in his arms for a moment. We never seemed to enjoy each others presence lately unless we were having sex, so this was a pleasant change.
"Olive?" He said softly, letting go of me to pull back and look at me. "Can I take you on a date?"
"What? You just told me you don't want to be with me, now you want to take me on a date?" I let go of him, looking at him absolutely dumbfounded.
"Y-yeah... I'm slowly realising that if I want you in my life, I can't keep pushing you away and my feelings aren't changing. A date isn't like a marriage proposal or anything, it's just us going out somewhere. Right?"
"Right..." I agreed.
Sebastian's sudden nervousness was evident in the way he fidgeted slightly, waiting for my response. I could see the genuine uncertainty and hope in his eyes, and it was clear that he was taking a chance, stepping out of his comfort zone for me.
"Okay, then," I said, a small smile forming on my lips. "I'd like that."
"Great. Tomorrow?"
"Tomorrow."
"Excellent."
We stood in silence for a moment, now feeling suddenly awkward.
"What will you do about Nellie?" I asked.
"Fuck, Olive. I don't know. I kissed her once, surely that doesn't mean anything." He replied, shrugging off the idea.
"I wouldn't be so sure. I bet you a galleon she's already planning when and how to kiss you again." I challenged him.
"Fine. You're on. And what about Weasley? You've been looking for an excuse to dump him for months." Sebastian said.
"You offering to take me on one date isn't enough to get me to break his heart, Sebastian..."
He furrowed his brows, almost looking mad that I wasn't jumping to end it right this second. But I never knew what to expect with Sebastian. Why would I jump to very permanent decisions when nothing was even certain?
"Fine. I'll collect you from the common room tomorrow afternoon, after class."
"I'm looking forward to it."
He spun on his heels and left the Undercroft quickly without another word, unlocking the door on his way. I made my way back to the common room fast, but not enough to risk running into Sebastian again.
"Imelda! I need your help!" I cried out, bursting into our dormitory.
"What? What's happened?" She jumped off her bed and tossed her book to the side, springing into action.
"Nothing happened, I just have a date tomorrow and I need to look good!" I said, feeling slightly panicked.
"But you've been on dates with Garreth before, why the sudden need to look hot now?" Imelda slowed her pace, realising my situation wasn't as dire as she'd thought.
"It's not Garreth."
"Wait, you're going on a date... two days after you kissed Garreth in front of everyone... and it's not even him you're going on a date with?" She shook her head as she tried to piece together everything.
"Well, when you put it that way, I do sound a bit mad."
"You sound like a bit of a slag." She scoffed.
"Oh my god, Imelda! You're supposed to be my best friend!"
"I am! And a best friend would tell you when you're acting a bit like a hoe."
I threw her a disgusted look. But she was right, I did feel a little like one...
"So, who's the lucky guy?"
I looked at her with raised eyebrows, waiting for her to make the connection.
"Sebastian?"
I nodded.
"Ugh, honestly! I don't know why all the girls fawn over him. You included. He's so bloody arrogant and full of himself."
"Hah. Sounds like someone else I know. Ever think you two don't get along because you're so much alike?"
"I hadn't, I now am. And I don't like it. Thanks, Raywood."
"My pleasure," I laughed, "Now, find me a dress. I'm panicking."
"Olive, if he liked you that much, it wouldn't matter what you wear... fuck, I've never seen you such a mess over a man before. I always thought you were better than that. Are you thinking maybe tomorrow is the night you'll let him... you know."
How do I tell her I already had... twice.
"Oh, uh... no. Maybe..."
"Agh! Gross! You already have!" She exclaimed.
"How I managed to become best friends with you, I have no idea!" I groaned.
She decided to not pry for details, not wanting to think about Sebastian in that way. She reiterated the fact she found him repulsive and was shocked I'd allowed myself to want to see him naked. I tried to tell her he actually was quite exquisite and pleasant to look at, but she simply made a gagging motion and began to sift through both her clothes and mine.
She found a cute, delicate off-white dress she'd been sent from home that she apparently wouldn't be seen dead in, so she thoughtfully gifted it to me instead.
It was adorable... it had a slightly plunging neckline and delicate, slightly puffed sleeves that ended just past my shoulders. The hem grazed my shins and it cinched under my bust. I tried it on to appease Imelda and she wholly approved.
"Dang. Who knew you had a figure." She admired me, looking me up and down with a wide grin on her face.
"Well, Sebast-"
"Don't you even dare bring up the fact he's actually seen your figure! I will actually vomit. Though I will admit, I'll feel offended for you if he doesn't want to tear this off you by the end of the night. You look hot."
"Thank you, Imelda. I appreciate the help. I'll also ignore the fact you just said that." I rolled my eyes.
I placed the dress on a hanger and put it to the side ready for tomorrow.
Though I apparently kept most of my dorm up with my constant tossing and turning. But I couldn't help it. I'd known Sebastian for years now and even though we both admitted we'd loved each other all that time, now that it was out in the open, I was fucking terrified. I'd wondered if he was also feeling the same and if we'd both be too completely and utterly exhausted tomorrow and completely fuck up the date.
I prayed it would go well... I needed it to.