️⚠️️Trigger warning⚠️: Mention of self-hating and thoughts of killing yourself.
(Don't read if you're under 18)
Y/N POV
We sat down on the sand as water splashed over our feet. I was enjoying the view of water shining due to the sunlight. The sound of waves were just calming my whole body.
I wish every day of my life was as peaceful as this. No hassle, no worries, just peace. But that's the thing I can only wish for. Sometimes I wonder that I'm just a burden on this world nothing else.
Neither I can please my parents nor myself nor the person whom I love. Breaking people's heart is what I am good at. But still they don't leave me, they hold me whenever i break down.
I didn't did anything to deserve them in my life. They deserve more better than me. I am no more the cheerful, sweet and positive Y/N I used to be, I have become a quiet, wretched, weak and self-hating girl. My vibe is not like before, whoever comes to me becomes sad and worried.
The thing i ever gave to my love ones is worries and sadness. I always cause trouble to them. I don't know what happened to me, why i can't change myself to my old self. The more i try the more i lose my confidence.
I'm just tired of trying and living now. Why don't I die? All the troubles will end. Everyone will be happy. I'm just a trouble maker, nothing else.
"Are you crying?" He asked as i snapped out of my thoughts and noticed myself shedding tears.
"N-no. It's j-just something went in my e-eyes." I said while wipping the tears away.
"You can lie to world but not to me. If anything is there you want to share you can. I'm here to listen." He said in a soft tone as i looked at him.
Even after being so hurt, he cares for me so much and here I am hurting him equally.
Not knowing what to say I just nodded and looked away.
"You know I always used to come here whenever I felt left out or down." He said as he also looked away.
"No one ever came here with me, i never brought anyone." He said
I looked at him.
"Then why did you brought me here?" I asked as he turned towards me.
"Because you are the only person with whom I wanted to come here." He said as my eyes softened.
"Why are you doing this?" I asked as he tilted his head a little in confusion.
"What am I doing?" He asked
I sighed heavily and looked at front.
"This things which you're doing now from bringing me here to talking to me like this. Why don't you understand that it's of no use now?" I said as i heard him sighing softly.
"I didn't do it to make you feel like this. I just wanted to spend sometime with you." He said
"Why? Why don't you just leave me alone? Why don't you go away like you went twice before?" I asked and turned towards him.
"Because I don't want to make that mistake again. I extremely regret doing that and i can't just do it again. Leaving you twice was my biggest mistake which i made in this life and i don't have the courage to do that again." He said softly.
"Why now? You're again making mistake by not leaving me now. The time for you to correct your mistakes is long gone and now it's of no use to do that so. When i loved you, you never cared and now when i don't, you are starting to care for me. Don't do this please. Don't waste your time on something which you'll never get." I said
"I care for you because i love you. I know that whatever i did before is not worth forgiving but atleast we can try. I didn't realize earlier that I love you. If I had, I would never have made that mistake. And i don't consider these things as the waste of my time because I am doing it heartedly." He said as i could feel my eyes burning from fresh tears but i gulped it away.
"Jungkook" i softly called his name.
"Please if you really love me then leave me alone. I don't want you around. After these months i realised that I fell out of love of you. I don't love you now. Maybe there is still a place in my heart for you but not as a lover or something. It's just for me to remember that you were my first love, you were the person whom i loved heartedly. The place you hold in my heart is of respect, nothing else and i don't want to remove that tiny space away." I said as i looked at him in hope that maybe this time he'll understand and believe me.
"Try to understand. I'm saying this for your own good." I said as i hold his hand and finally tears started to fill his eyes.
He hold my hand and i could feel his hand already shaking.
"W-will you s-stay happy w-without me around?" He asked as his voice cracked.
Not knowing what to say I stayed silent. What should I say? I can't say no as that would again rise hope in his heart and I can't say yes as i don't have that much courage to say that.
"Y-Y/N, say something. Your silence is giving me some other answer." He said as i looked down.
His grip on my hand loosened as he back away. He suddenly stood up. I looked up at him and noticed he was crying badly.
"I-i will order a-a cab for y-you. I'm going b-bye. Sorry for all the time i disturbed y-you and thank you for giving your l-little time to me. I promise I won't c-come around you n-now. Goodbye." He said while crying and walked towards his car.
I watched him going away by sitting there still. The hot and fierce tears rolled down my cheeks. I started to cry hard.
Why?!! Why me?!! Why didn't I die before saying all this? Why am I so helpless? Why i always hurt him like this? I'm so bad.
.........
I wipped my tears when i noticed a car standing infront of me.
Maybe this is the car Jungkook sent for me.
I got up and went towards it. I opened the door and sat inside. The car started with the loads of my thoughts. I stared outside the window.
I again lost badly. I never knew i was such a failure. I don't even know why am I alive. I don't have anything in my life. I can't tell my parents and friends anything as i know that I'll again end up hurting them.
They aren't bad or something. I'm bad more than anyone can even imagine. If I'm not happy then i can't make them sad either. I don't have any right to do that so.
Everyone cares for me but I only hurt everyone. But now i won't because I have to learn pushing people away. That will be better for them as well as me. I'm already so much guilty and I can't afford to take more. They will be more happier if they stay away from me.
"Please stop here." I said when we were about to cross Han river.
The car stopped and I got off.
"Thank you so much." I said and handed him the money but he refused to take it.
"No need mam. The ride is already paid." He said and smiled while turning on the car.
A heavy sigh escaped my mouth as i saw the car until it disappeared. I turned around and went towards the railing. Just then my eyes fell on the bar near by.
I think that's the only way i could find peace.
I went inside it and grabbed a bottle of wine. After paying for it i again went towards the railing infront of the river. I started drinking direct from the bottle.
The river looked like a crystal as the light of the moon fell on it. My eyes fell on the dog who was sleeping peacefully in the corner.
I chuckled bitterly. Even that dog is living peacefully, it's just me who is wrenching badly. I again took a big sip of drink. I took support of railing and sat on the edge of it.
This is the best way of forgetting everything. Just drown yourself in alcohol. I started moving my leg which was still in the air. I was continuously sipping on the bottle burning my throat making me feel the alcohol running down. Not after too long i started feeling my head getting heavy which means I'm getting drunk now.
I drank the whole drink in one go and threw the bottle aside. I laid down on the railing and closed my eyes.
I know it's too weird but all i hope now is to not wake up ever. I just want myself drowned in water by tomorrow. I just want to die. I know i won't be able to kill myself in consciousness because I'm not that courageous so that's why i wish to die when I'm unconscious.
To be continued......