TW: suicide attempt
I tried not to be that descriptive, but only for you to be prepared and take care, also I will mention when it starts.
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Things are off. I no longer have a doubt about it. It has been two weeks since the whole Gala incident. There were no casualties and the city has already forgotten the fiasco. It's the good thing about living in an almost lawless place, people are quickly to forget and ignore. Everything is momentary in places where time seems to pass faster than in others.
I almost died, for like the fourth time in my life. Death has a way to attach himself to me, but let me go just when his fingers brush my skin, teasing the end but never taking full responsibility for his advances. Dazai must be jealous.
Osamu is liked by lady life, always making him survive and get to see another sunrise, pulling him from the water, cutting the ropes from which he hangs, the gift of life is something he is cursed with. While death always keeps me on my toes, reminding me daily that he has claimed me, and sooner or later, he will take me.
Right after Yosano brought me back to life, Dazai disappeared with the ability user, he just sent a text to the Agency that he would handle it, and another to Chuuya telling him to take my parents and I to dinner and take care of us for the rest of the day.
And he did, apparently, Dazai had already lied to my parents about Chuuya, he had told them about how I met him in the bar and everything, but he also told them Chuuya and him used to be business partners in a company that exported and imported different goods inside the city and the country, even internationally. Thankfully, my mother gets chatty when she is nervous and ended up telling the story Osamu sold her, giving Chuuya and I the story we needed to follow.
My parents liked Chuuya. He talked about business with my father. My dad asked him a lot of questions about how he handled clients and such. The redhead answered quite naturally, even telling my dad how he went from handling a small jewel store to becoming an executive inside the company. My mother asked him about his travels around the world, and about how he met me. She also asked him what he thought of Dazai.
“I don't really like his personality, I think his morose and devious self is annoying, but… I hate to say this, I really do… I have trusted him with my life, and sometimes, when necessary, I still do.”
That was his response, and the subject was not brought up again.
My parents went home three days after the incident, we said our goodbyes and Osamu and I drove them to the airport. My dad scolded Dazai for not driving and he promised the next time he saw them he would know how to drive better. It was weird because he always keeps his promises.
He has been off lately, he has cleaned after himself, not leaving his cups of coffee on the sink for me to wash them, or empty sake bottles on corners looking like a piece of modern art, he also has made dinner for us every night. He started to give me less reports to write for him and he annoyed Kunikida only once in a while.
Something happened on the day of the Gala. When he disappeared, there was a gap of time in the report he wrote. I had to tell Kunikida that I would curse him if he didnt let me read the full extent of said report so I could find the inconsistencies in it. I asked Dazai about the exact time frame, right after he had Tanizaki use Light Snow for him and the Chief of Police to get out of the room.
There was a 15 minute gap between the moment the Chief of Police got out of the building and when Dazai also got out. He was 15 minutes inside the place alone and he has not described his actions in the official report. He has given no explanation to anyone, not even the President, he just said he was “looking for something” or “got lost”. Bullshit excuses.
When I asked him about it, he did not lie to me, he just said in a serious tone.
“Just stop asking about it”
I saw him from my desk, he was looking outside the window as he always does, finding figures on the clouds. Kenji was beside him and pointing at the clouds, yelling different kinds of animals. His eyes looked sadder than usual, yet he kept giving Kenji his best smiles, playing along so the blonde kid could have a good time.
Seeing him try makes the hurt in my chest become bearable.
○○○
He knows she knows something is wrong. He is feeling uneasy after what happened at the Gala. Even though everything was planned by him, she seemed so…far.
There was a small merge, it felt like when Chuuya used corruption but less intrusive, it was like she was a visitor in this dimension. The way she talked, the aura filling the air, the smell of blood and burning. Dazai wondered what would have happened if he hadn't made it in time to nullify her ability. Her body started to shut down the moment he touched her hair.
Then, there were the 15 minutes he disappeared. Again, everything was part of his plan, nothing that happened was not foreseen by him, still, somehow, he was pretty shaken about it. He knew everything, but it felt like a punch to the gut.
He remembered telling the Chief of Police to go outside while he made his way into the hallway, entering deeper into the place, until he reached a small couch in front of a big painting on the wall.
Evening (1911) by Gabriel-Joseph-Marie Augustin Ferrier.
The painting still haunts his dreams. He remembered sitting on the sofa and staring for some minutes at the woman dressed in white, alone, holding her bouquet, the flowers on her head, the dark of her surroundings. He hated it.
He remembers standing up and walking towards the painting that he despised, and reaching behind it. The feeling of a paper hidden between the wall and the painting lingered in his hands. The words written on the small note burned in the back of his head and made the hole on his chest feel like a big black void that could never ever be filled.
He remembers punching the wall, bringing the painting down and crashing its frame on the floor over and over again until it came undone. He remembers taking the painting and tearing it to pieces with his bare hands, knuckles bruised and stinging from the damage.
He remembers lighting a cigarette as he took the torn out painting and threw it on a nearest trash can, along with the note. He remembers lighting it on fire and watching it burn until they were nothing but unrecognizable ash. No trace of them. No proof they existed.
His plans have not changed. What was written on that note only meant he had to act faster than anticipated but that's it. The heavy weight has always laid upon his shoulders, all the good he can get his hands on ends up leaving and staining him so he remembers nothing will ever stay and that it's him who drives it away.
Still he hoped, in a very naive way, this time, he could be wrong.
••
The last straw was intimacy.
The way he started to touch me was different. Dazai Osamu is playful, he likes teasing and having control. He likes games because he knows he will win all of them, and that part of him he brought to the bedroom. It indeed was enticing and passionate, getting bored was not an option.
Then, his teasing turned into soft and secure touches, delicate brushes of skin. He would take me to slow dance in the dim lights of the kitchen or the living room before making an advance, as if asking for my hand, asking me to be with him over and over again. Sometimes I saw his hands tremble and his eyes hesitate when undressing me, like he was scared I would say no and reject him.
Everything was softer, no games, no usual giggles, not his usual jokes. He loves to tell cheesy jokes, make dirty remarks. Now it was more like a comfortable silence, concentrating on heavy breaths, the beating of hearts, the feeling of warmth and skin.
A couple nights ago, he was laying on my chest, skin on skin, eyes closed almost drifting away. His arms around my waist held me close in an almost desperate way. My fingers ran through his hair, trying to console a suffering I didn't quite understand, but could feel dripping out of him.
“I don't want to be miserable anymore” he whispered, and I held him near with misty eyes hidden behind closed eyelids, because those words that sounded so innocent and almost hopeful, actually made me nauseous.
So I started a subtle suicide watch.
Dazai and I are work partners most of the time, but he often runs off with Atsushi. I didn't tell anyone anything, the people in this Agency are more than capable of keeping State secrets, they are intelligent and dedicated, but going against Dazai, none of us stand a chance. So I started messing with the calendars of jobs assigned, making sure Dazai had lots of work and that Kunikida was his partner most of the time. Also, making sure Yosano didn't get any jobs outside the city. She often accompanied Ranpo on his missions and lately he said he didn't want to work, unless really necessary, he probably noticed something is up.
The week was going fine. The plan was going exactly as it should, but Dazai was acting the same, he hadn't questioned anything, which meant, things were also going his way. Hate the feeling I am going against him in the board game when we should be on the same side. But his meaning of winning meant my losing.
“Hey, there was a call about a robbery on a small store near Suribachi, can you go check it out, it should be nothing but, a job is a job.” Kunikida's voice pulled me out of my trance, handing me a transcript of the call and the details about the case.
I looked at his eyes through the transparent lenses, then looked at Dazai who was sleeping on his desk. Everything should be fine.
“Sure” I said, with an unsure tone, making Kunikida raise an eyebrow at me. I gave him a soft smile and took the papers he was holding. Stepping out of my chair I walked towards Dazai, and gave him a kiss on the top of his head. He groaned but didn't move, just kept laying his head on his arms on top of his desk.
And I left the office.
The directions on the paper were wrong, it took me about an hour to find the store that was described by the report, also it seemed like the robbery was made by some kids, teenagers who were hungry and took some chips and ran. It was easy to catch them, they were not hiding that well. The lady forgave them and gave them temporary jobs in the small store, it was a good day.
I tried to message a lot with Dazai and he has been responding quite quickly. Just about ten minutes ago, he told me he was doing a job with Atsushi but should be back home for dinner. I walked through the city until I saw a familiar graveyard.
“It's been kinda windy lately huh?” I knew I wouldn't get a response but I still talked out loud.
My hands moving away the leaves left by the trees nearby. The tombstone was not that dirty, we cleaned it regularly, especially Dazai. This is the only thing he keeps clean without other people having to talk his ear off. It's weird talking to someone I have never met. Sometimes I feel like I do, the detective with brown hair talks about Oda a lot, at first he didn't, then he did and wouldn't stop. And now I get nostalgia thinking about a man that is no longer here.
“Really wished I had met you so you could tell me every little embarrassing thing Dazai did as a teen” I was barely speaking, a whisper drowned by the sound of leaves rustling with the wind.
“He is getting bad again, I am trying my best to keep him afloat but you know how he is, he always gets his way, so if he rings your door… you better not open up, you send him back to me. It's not his time.” I took out my phone and saw the time. 5:34 pm. It's getting late.
“I don't know if I'm being selfish, trying to keep him here when his own existence makes him miserable, he always talks about you like you were this wise man that knew everything, so tell me… should I keep making him cling to life a little bit more despite him being unhappy? Even after I have tried everything and he just doesn't seem to get better?”
I knew I wouldn't get an answer, but I thought maybe just maybe, I would find a clue about what to do. And the only thing I got was a leaf falling in my head and sticking out like an antenna.
That was good enough.
I opened the door of the office and saw no one was there, it was late but not that late. So I tried calling Atsushi.
“Hey, where's everyone? Are you with Osamu?” I said through the phone while making the report about today's not so thrilling adventure and leaving out the part where I tried to talk to a dead man.
“Uh, no, our job took us to a city up north, an hour by train. He left me to do the job alone, like always , about probably two hours ago. I know the others had emergency jobs out of the city too, why-”
I hung up and ran out of the door as quickly as I could, I didnt even lock up. Just grabbed my back and ran out. Should have seen it coming, I knew when battling with the Devil you should worry when all your plans are going smooth, that means they are not interfering enough with his.
The hair was sticking to my face, my legs were hurting, I must have crashed into around five people while running. The stairs leading to his apartment have never been longer and higher, my ears are ringing and I feel like fainting, still I kept going until I was in front of his door.
I started fumbling with the keys in my hand, shaking hands trying to stick the key in the hole but it wouldn't budge, kicking the door and screaming his name so loud my throat hurts. The locks had been changed. Time is running and I am stuck. I dug my nails in my palm and placed the bleeding hand on the lock, letting my blood fill the lock and solidifying the red liquid, making a key and turning it around.
I didn't take off my shoes, just kept screaming for him over and over again, all the lights were off except the one from the bathroom, the sound of water filling the cold and empty looking apartment. Everything looked clean, off putting clean, as if no one lived there.
I turned the knob and opened the bathroom door.
Trigger warning (suicide attempt)
She stood there, unmoving figure, skin pale as if the blood had left her body and she was nothing but a ghost or a doll made of fragile porcelain. The only thing that made it obvious she was alive were the tears streaming down her face, her mouth was opened but no sound came out. Time had stopped for her but it was running out of him.
Hecate was yelling in her mind, but she couldn't hear anything, everything felt like an echo inside a dark and lonely room. So the entity inside her took over for a second, dragging their feet in the floor tiles and inching closer to the man laying on the overflowing bathtub.
The scene was nightmarish. The water ran red, the tiles around the walls were also decorated with the deep burgundy color. Around the edges of the bathtub were liquor bottles and different pills spilled around. His hair was messy and wet, his eyes were closed but his chest was moving up and down slowly, his clothes and face was covered in vomit. He would hate this, Lilith thought.
Noticing signs of life, the entity piloting the body decided to call an ambulance, Hecate knew she couldn't stay much in control, because it was not granted, it was taken, having a toll on both parties. And so, with an ambulance on its way she decided to let go and let her human part handle the situation with her guidance. With eyes back to normal, the young woman fell on her knees in front of the tub and held the man's face.
“Hey, it's me, I'm here it's going to be okay” she whispered between uncontrollable sobs. She knew she had to tend the wounds and she knew how to but her head was spinning and she wanted to throw up. The ability of breathing was leaving her and she was left with nothing but tears and cries. Once again, the feeling of hopelessness was drowning her.
She started to call everyone on the Agency, but none of them picked up, she left awful voicemails filled with panic and sorrow. She even called Kyoka and she hated herself for it, this is not something you should ask a teen help for. She finally decided on emptying the bathtub as she tried to clean his face.
She just kept on calling people and receiving nothing but the beeping of rejection. The hurt on her chest felt like a heart attack, she knew the panic was making her useless. She should know better but seeing the man she loves saying goodbye felt like the end of reality.
She swore to herself she wasn't going to do this anymore, but today she would break every promise, she would pray to every devil, betray every god, sacrifice all the innocents, just of her selfish whim. So she made another call.
It rang once, it rang twice, and it rang thrice.
“I can't really talk right now, I'm busy, I'll call you ba-” The voice sounded through the other side of the phone.
“He's really going to go this time, I don't know what to do, the ambulance is taking too long, he's really going to die this time, I need help, I-” She tried to explain in the best way she could, between cries and short breaths, her unstable mood was obvious, she was yelling through the line without even noticing.
“I'll be there in two minutes, take care of the bleeding, you can so you will. Don't even bother to look for whatever kit you had in the apartment, use the bandages to stop the hemorrhage” Chuuya said in a soft yet firm voice, she nodded like he was looking at her. He hung up and she stared at his arms.
She felt the contents of her stomach wanting to travel to her throat making her gag, still she pushed them down, and she pulled herself up, running to the kitchen and opening the drawers finding stashes of bandages. She then walked towards the bedroom, going straight to the closet, throwing everything out of it making a mess, until she found the forgotten violin. Inside of the case, along with the beautiful instrument, was a blood transfusion set, and since she knew she couldn't keep blood in the apartment, it was designed for it to work, person to person.
She ran back to the bathroom, the bandages and tubes on her arms, then placed them on the sink and got near to the bathtub, she got inside of it and started the shower. Before covering his injuries she had to clean them, and so she did the best she could, the water apart from helping her clean him, it made him stay kind of responsive. She talked to him the whole time, even though she didn't know if he could hear her, she still wanted him to know she was there.
After cleaning the wounds she prepared herself for the blood transfusion. She hated needles, she didn't like getting her blood drawn, it made her want to cry, but since she was already crying it was somehow easier. She squished herself between the bathtub side and the man she was trying to desperately keep alive, both now connected through a tub that flowed blood from her body to his.
She felt like this was hell, and she was paying her repentance. Maybe there was a god and she was being punished for defying him, for running wild, for choosing her freedom over obedience and salvation. Her consciousness was fading slowly, all she could hear was a weak heartbeat on a bandaged chest. The thought of them going together suddenly seemed beautiful, not ideal but it was far better than him leaving her behind in a world where there was no longer his presence.
“Hey, wake up princess, I'm going to take this off now, you have done enough…” a voice pulled her from her daydream, or normal deam, she didn't know by then. Her ears were still ringing, they had not stopped since the moment she made it to the apartment. She saw ginger hair and gloved hands taking the needle off her arm and covering it with a bandage. Then arms scoping her up and separating her from the pale looking man on the bathtub, she tried to protest and pushed Chuuya away but he just tightened his grip and headed towards the end of the room by the door.
“Shh, it's fine, just let him help” Chuuya whispered while he crossed the opened door, and behind it, was a man with raven black hair and a lab coat, carrying a big bag, his eyes were serious and his eyebrows were furrowed.
Mori didn't even look at her, he just headed inside the bathroom and closed the door.
Chuuya took her to the small living room and placed her on the couch, crouching in front of her so he could be at her eye level, he looked at her and inspected her, looking at her arms, lifting her sleeves, then grabbing her face trying to see if there was damage done apart from the emotional distress she was experiencing.
“Hey, it's going to be okay, I'm here, you did great, just please answer me” Chuuya said in a low voice, almost pleading for a response other than a blank and lost look on her eyes.
“I kept telling him that I love him, and that people on the Agency love him. Just kept repeating how grateful we were that he came into our lives, and that his existence made everything better… I wanted him to die knowing he was loved… It's distressing, you know? When you are about to die and people keep screaming for you to stay and don't leave them. You think he heard me?” She said, looking at something that wasn't there. Her eyes looked dark and sad, a combination of tiredness and emptiness. Chuuya hated it.
“Who knows, but I would like to think he didnt, so that fuckers stays around and I get to kick his ass later.” he murmured as he pushed her hair out of her face. Her clothes and hair were wet and dirty, a mix of blood and puke was covering her from head to toe.
She looked lost and defeated. Not a single word was said from her after her past statement, she kept looking ahead and into the wall, as if she could see through it. Chuuya asked her various questions but got not answer, like she didn't hear what he had just asked her.
It only had been a couple of minutes since Mori had entered the bathroom, an ambulance was also on its way. Apparently Dazai had blacklisted his address from different hospitals and made it so no ambulances were sent there in case of a call. Chuuya had to pull some strings for them to ignore whatever information they had.
The executive stood up and walked towards the kitchen, he damped a towel and walked back, once again positioning himself in front of her and started to clean the blood off her face, then he proceeded to clean her arms and hands.
The cool sensation of the wet towel against her skin made her look at what was going on in her space. She looked at Chuuya, cleaning her hands and arms thoroughly, a frown on his face. It wasn't the usual angry scowl, it was a concerned and sad frown. Still, he kept on trying to clean her up the best he could, so she wouldn't have the blood of the person she loves in her hands. The action he was doing was caring and sweet, but it made her pay attention to her bloody and dirty clothes. She felt trapped in her garments and in her skin.
Taking her hands away from Chuuya, she started to pull on her attire, trying to rip it off her desperately. Her breathing was getting fast and unstable. Her movements were weak and sloopy, like she had no strength left in her but her distress was pushing her to keep trying.
“Hey, calm down, what is going on?” He asked not understanding how he should help, he just saw her pull on the fabric with eyes filled with panic.
“I can't take it off, take it off me, take it off me-” She started to say in a drowned voice, like she wanted to scream but the sound was swallowed by the emptiness in her chest.
Chuuya pulled her up and dragged her to the bedroom. He pushed her into the bed while he turned around and opened the closet but seeing that most of its contents were on the floor, he just picked up a hoodie and some sweatpants he saw, whatever it could be comfortable and put on quickly and effortlessly. He threw them on the bed so she could put them on. Just about when he was going to turn around he saw her looking at the floor, with her arms almost hanging on her sides. She looked like a sad ragdoll with tears streaming down her cheeks like heavy rain in mid november.
He walked closer to her and grabbed her face, making her look at him, but he got nothing but an empty stare. He sighed.
“I am going to help you take off the dirty clothes and put on the new ones, if you feel uncomfortable you will let me know. Nodd if you understand me, princess” He said in a conflicted tone, like he wasn't sure of what he was doing, still he had no option but to start being direct with her. She nodded, and so Chuuya started to unbutton her shirt, she made no movement, all she did was cry silently.
Chuuya hated everything, he hated Dazai at the moment. That was a lie, he didn't hate Dazai but he no longer knew what he was feeling or thinking. This is not the first time that he has picked up the pieces Dazai breaks, not even his first time rescuing his former partner from an attempt. Still, it never gets easier.
“You know, the first time I founded Dazai after an attempt, I panicked too. We were fifteen, or sixteen, don't remember that well. I just recall going into his room to ask for a videogame he had stolen from me, and I saw him lying on the floor pretty unresponsive, he looked drunk but he was clutching his stomach. That was the first time I looked at him and saw a teen like me, not the demon prodigy everyone was afraid of, just a sad and miserable kid, like me.” He said while he took off her shirt completely and placed the hoodie on her quickly. The moment he started talking about his experience with Dazai's sucide attempts she started looking at him, with eyes a little less dead.
“So I picked him up after slapping him a few times trying to get him to wake up or react, and ran with him on my back, bastard was heavier than expected. I ran so fast my knees hurt, I didn't know what to do so I went straight into Mori's office, didn't even knock, just kicked the door open. Boss looked at me with wide eyes, kind of annoyed, until I started yelling 'he's going to die for real! Do something!' hell, I must have looked so worried that Mori didn't even scold me for being unrespectful. He treated Dazai right away. I threw up in the hallway on some poor plant out of the physical effort. Two days later, Dazai was talking to me as if nothing happened. I punched him, but neither of us said anything about it, he just stood there looking at me, smiling with a bloody nose” Chuuya said with a small smile, while he placed the sweatpants on her. With her new clothes, she threw her arms around his neck and pulled him close, crying loudly like a hurt child.
The redhead just held her while running his hand up and down her back in a soothing motion. The sound of cries were interrupted by a knock on the door and multiple voices entering the apartment, both him and the crying girl got out of the room quickly, seeing two paramedics enter the room. Mori came out of the bathroom and told them something. She didn't hear anything, just the faint sounds of echo bouncing on walls. It was like hearing underwater, making out some sounds but none of them came through completely. The only voice she could hear clearly was Chuuya's.
“We are going to take him to the nearest hospital, text the location to the other Agency members, I know you probably have already made a hospital stay bag, just tell me where it is, I'll grab it-” Chuuya was talking to her and she could hear him, but her eyes were focused on the weak and frail looking body the paramedics were placing on the stretcher.
“Hey, it's fine we are going to be right behind him, just point where the freaking bag is” The Executive said, grabbing her face so she could place her attention on him, she did as she was told and pointed to a cupboard in the kitchen.
“He is stable, you did good, considering it was your first time managing one of Dazai-kun's attempts. You should feel proud of yourself, you saved his life” Mori said, appearing suddenly beside the girl. He looked tired and his white coat was now dirty.
“I didn't do enough, so thank you for agreeing to help someone who is supposed to be your enemy, I personally thank you for saving his life” She whispered in a sad tone, but loud enough for Mori to hear. He let out a sigh and placed a hand on her shoulder.
“I am a doctor after all, it is my duty. Also, you shouldn't be so grateful to your enemies, they might use that as a way to manipulate you. See you around, little miss deity. His tone was dangerous, and she knew it, but she had no strength to counterattack so she let it happen. She took the threat and did nothing with it.
Mori then disappeared without saying much.
Chuuya and her walked together out of the apartment following the paramedics who were rushing down the stairs carrying a man on a stretcher she barely recognized. She hesitated for a moment. Right at the start of the stairs. She looked down at the ambulance, the light painting the walls a different tone, there was no wind moving the trees, no sound of leaves, no nothing. It was really as if the word had really stopped for her.
“You don't have to go, you can call one of the Agency members and wait for them here, or your apartment, I'll go with him.” He said, reaching for her hand and giving it a little squeeze.
“If I did that to you, would you like it?” She said and started to go down the stairs, pulling Chuuya to follow behind her, not letting go of his hand.
And so they both climbed inside the ambulance where the man that inspired one of their tattoos was being stabilized. She was looking at the floor focusing on the electronic beeping sound and the hand that was wrapping itself into hers.
A thread was snapping.
She fell unconscious after that.