Dazai stayed in that room, unmoving. In his head he had said something, he had gone after her immediately, but his feet were stuck to the ground by nails he had hammered into himself. There was a part of him that told him this was an unnecessary fight, the other part said that he wanted to watch her go, as a way of getting used to the idea that this wouldn't last and it's better to push the first domino so they all fall. So it all ends.
"Fuck" he screamed into the empty aparment. His hands went through his hair, trying to figure out what the next move should be.
'What should I do? Do I let this just come down? Let the vase fall and break? Is it better off this way? What am I doing? What am I doing?'
The words kept bouncing in his head as he tried to move his feet from the floor, but his body felt heavy and his head light. The events that had just happened replayed in his mind like a movie that felt like a horror.
And so he decided to walk to his apartment, making his way into the lonely street each step he made he told to himself a reason why to let the situation die, every logical sentence he mumbled was met by a memory of them sitting on the bathroom floor, running from Kunikida after pranking him, them on the couch watching TV and falling asleep. He stopped at his apartment door.
"I am really getting soft" He whispered to himself and walked the other way.
She was sitting on the building's rooftop, her legs hanging from the edge as she stared at the moon and the stars trying to find a sense or meaning, but finding nothing but the empty beauty of just being. Her eyes were red and puffy from crying but they were no longer tears falling out of them. She wanted to smoke but had made a deal with herself to not do it so often, but she wanted something to feel less heavy, even though smoking makes you feel the gravity around you and drag your feet. There's never a right answer.
"That's dangerous, you know? Kunikida already made an estimate budget for the Agency to put some railing here, because of yours truly" A voice snapped her out of her little monologue. Dazai was walking towards her wearing a soft smile and carrying what looked like two coffees.
"I trained Kenji's cow to bite anyone that tries to jump and I am not joking, so I wouldn't recommend it" She answered letting out a dry laugh as her eyes went back to the sky. She felt him take a seat beside her and pass her the drink.
"Where did you get coffee this late? Who did you terrorize?" She asked, taking the drink in her hand, it smelled more like chocolate than coffee. He scoffed at the accusation.
"Please, I could never, I just asked really nicely" He answered while closing his eyes and putting his hand on his chest presenting fake honesty and she chuckled at his act.
They sat in silence for a while, both their eyes connected to the moon and the stars, feeling the air hit their faces as they drank the hot chocolate that was made based on threats and manipulation. None of them knew how to start that conversation, they just stayed in silence with their shoulders brushing and head full of words.
"I'm sorry" She whispered, both her hands around the warm cup, her tired eyes looking down at the city lights.
"You are not the one that should be apologizing" His voice was soft, with a glimpse of sadness. His head was thrown back with his eyes closed, looking at the void inside his eyelids.
"I mean, I kind of got an idea of what you were doing and I still fell for it, that's on me, should've stopped it instead of playing along" She said now looking at her hands.
"Well, I am known to be very tricky and mischievous, hard not to walk right into my board game and play the exact role that I give you" He said laughing sadly. She turned to look at him, the moon illuminating his pale skin, his eyes were closed but she could still feel the heaviness inside of them.
"I will command the cow to eat your hair, maybe that way your ego will deflate a little" She answered in a sarcastic tone, pushing him slightly on the arm, he let out a drowned chuckle.
"Sorry you were collateral damage from my kind of emotional outburst, I'm just not used to it, caring and what not" He whispered as he reached for her hand that was still choking the poor cup of chocolate, his slender fingers slithering into hers like little snakes.
"Weird way to say you were an asshole, but ok, I'll take it" She said in a sarcastic tone, a little smile forming in her lips. He rolled his eyes at her in response.
"I am trying here..." He groaned in complaint but a little smile was appearing on his face as well.
"It is kind of entertaining, watching you juggle fancy words and unattached statements, distancing yourself from the situation and the emotions they carry, truly fascinating... but I don't know how you don't find it tiresome" She said while acting like a scholar giving a conference.
"Years of practice, my dear!" He said loudly and overdramatically and they both laughed. After a moment of silence and looking straight ahead to the city, Dazai let out a loud sigh.
"So, about the other thing..." He started saying with a nervous tone, his eyes looking from the sky, to the floor, to the horizon, trying to find the right words, the right tone and the right time.
"I don't need you to say anything about it, don't force yourself to say something you don't mean. You don't need to walk on eggshells around it, it's really fine" She said squeezing Dazai's hand and giving him a soft smile, his eyes widen at the sudden emergency brake being pulled, he was also taken aback from the tranquility of the woman beside him, she meant what she said and was really calm about it.
"Aren't you... I don't know, sad?" He whispered more to himself than to ask her a question.
"Not really, honestly, I have come to notice that love comes easy for me. I was at first scared of the discovery, but then it felt really nice, knowing that I am capable of loving and cherishing people, places, even situations with such ease. I love the Agency, the place, the office, the atmosphere around it, and the work. I love each member individually in different ways, even Kunikida... you know I have never gone to the supply closet? Only to make out with you of course, but I found out that Kunikida always brought me paper, pens, and what now everytime he went to get some for himself so I wouldn't have to go. Then I thought that he was a friend that I have grown to love. It was like that with everyone, including you. I have loved you for a while now, first as a friend, then as something more, that's fine with me, I don't love you so you can love me back, I love you because I decided that I do, because I found myself unable to deny the fact that I wake up excited to hear whatever monstrosity comes out of your twisted mind, or what awful and cringy joke you are going to throw at me at work. I love you because you are just that easy to love." She said looking at him, her eyes not running to hide themself looking into other places or objects, her voice soft yet firm as she let the words fall off her chest and wearing her heart on her sleeve as if it was a bracelet.
He looked at her almost scared, his eyes wide and glassy, he wanted to run away, to stand up and leave and not turn back. To leave the possibility of someone just staying with him because he is, whatever he is. But he found himself squeezing her hand tighter as if telling her that he wanted her to stay. A voice in his head told him to end everything right there, but he instead started a kiss, ignoring the alarm that was ringing in his ears that turned into a light whisper when his lips touched hers.
"I wasn't going to come, I was at my apartment door ready to go in and call it a night, let it crash and burn" He whispered, his forehead pressed against hers.
"And what made you change your mind?" She asked in a tone that said she already knew the answer.
"You have a great ass" He whispered in a tone that you would recite the most romantic piece of poetry. She snickered loudly, her laugh could be heard in the whole block, he joined in her little fit, chuckling loudly until their stomachs hurt and they were running out of air.
"I turned around because of this" he whispered with eyes full of tears from laughter, and a spark of unknown joy inside of them.
"I don't know what you have done to me but I just couldn't not come" He said, standing up from the floor and reaching out to help the woman beside him.
"It's called an amarre, it's like a love spell or potion, or a curse even, depending on how you see it. You mister, will never be able to forget me. No matter what you do, no matter what you say, no matter where you go, for you, it will always be me. So get used to it." She said pointing a finger to his face, her eyes full of mischief, as if she was really casting a spell on him with the moon as her witness.
"Is that a threat or a promise?" He asked with a grin on his lips, taking her pointing finger and placing her hand on his face.
"Both, of course" She said smirking and he pulled her closer into a hug, lifting her feet up the ground and spinning her around while they both laughed like children.
"Are you sure you want to love a person like me?" He whispered in her ear, still holding her against him, her feet still up the ground. She took her arms off his neck in response and kind of wiggled her way down to the floor and started to walk to the edge of the building again. He looked at her in confusion, trying to read her actions.
"I am in love with Dazai Osamu! I love-" She started screaming at the top of her lungs out to the sleeping city with her hands around mouth so her confession could be heard throughout the whole town. A hand appeared on her mouth stopping her from continuing with her public announcement.
"What are you doing? Are you crazy?" Dazai said, lifting her up the ground once again and walking away from the edge, still covering her mouth, until she bit his hand, making him pull away.
"I will not be silenced! I love an idiot wearing a sand colored trench coat! The one that looks like a mummy! The annoying handsome man!" She screamed while getting away from him, running through the roof, laughing and a smile never leaving her face.
Dazai looked at her running through the garden, to where the cow was, from one side to another just laughing and proclaiming her love for him as if she was giving the evening news. He felt jealous, she looked so...free. Like she didn't feel ashamed to love a man like him. She knows what he has done in the past, maybe not the details but enough to know he is not an innocent person, that he is most likely going to hell. She knew how troubled he was, how evil he could be, and still... She was running around saying she loved him with a smile on her face.
"I want to love you" He whispered to himself.
"What?" She said, while catching her breath from all the running around, her cheeks red and her hair messy from the air.
"I said that you are weird, and maybe should be institutionalized" He said mockingly, taking her hand and leading her to the emergency stairs so they could go home.
"I'll see you there I guess, do you think they would let us share a room?" She said between giggles.
"Definitely not, we would scar the nurses for life when they do those night checks, more than that, they would have to pay for the show" He said with a smirk on his face.
"Thank god the fight didn't last, nights are so boring alone" She said, swinging their hands as they walked, and he just hummed in response.
That night ended like most, both of them sleeping in the same bed, with their clothes tossed around the room and both of them clinging to each other as if the bed was a sea and they were trying to keep one another from drifting apart, turning each other into a life jacket or an anchor, so they wouldn't go insane.