// TW: mental health issues//
The browned haired man opened his eyes slowly, he felt like he had been sleeping for days, his body felt heavy but his head felt light. Memories of the night before came into his mind and he smirked to himself, turning to face the lonely space where the young woman he came to know way too well yesterday was supposed to be. A cold sensation ran through his back as he sat down quickly.
'Did she leave?' the thought exploded in his mind, fearing that the feeling of rejection would weigh on his chest.
He stood up quickly, putting some underwear on and walked outside the room, not even bothering to put his bandages back on. He did not call for her, the possibility of a silent response would sink him into a disappointment he was not prepared to face. He stood at the end of the hallway that connected the living room with the kitchen, he was holding his breath, the moment he peeked his head at the two rooms it would be deciding the fate of the day, whether his back would be heavy or free from carrying guilt.
He turned his face to the kitchen, and there she was, he exhaled the worries that were already haunting him, scaring him with 'what if's. She was wearing his shirt and nothing more, her back to him as she hummed some song and mixed something in a bowl. 'She looks so...normal' he thought as he smiled softly at her without her noticing. He had not moved an inch, it was as if he was in a museum, watching a performance. The cold bucket fell on his head.
I can't have this, I can't have this, I can't have this, I can't have this
I'll break her, I'll break her, I'll break her, I'll break her, I'll break her
I don't deserve this, I don't deserve this, I don't deserve this, I don't
My hands are red, I'll stain her too, my hands are red, I'll stain her too
Dirty dir ty di rty you are dirty d i r t y dirty DIRTY DIRTY YOU ARE
The thoughts were falling on his head like hail, painfully reminding him the reason he took so long to make a choice, the dark shadow of his past dragged him by the feet, making him lose his ground and falling into the void of despair. He made his way back to the room and closed the door quietly.
He slid himself on the ground and hugged his knees, trying to control his breathing. His train of thought was suffocating him and he could not see the emergency break, he was crashing. He was crashing while his pretty eyes was making pancakes in the kitchen on his shirt. He should be happy.
Why can't I be happy? Why can't I be happy? Why can't I be happy?
Stop stop stop stop stop, make it stop, make it stop, MAKE IT STOP
He started hitting his head in hopes that the executioner in his head would stop tormenting him, each hit was getting harder and harder, physical pain distracting him from the emotional distress that was drowning him in the comfort of his own room.
In the other room there she was, ready to prepare something for both of them to eat. She had woken up first and stayed in bed an hour after opening her eyes, just watching the man who drove her crazy on working days and some weekends, the one who she had almost killed the first time they met. And now she was laying on his chest feeling him breath and sleep peacefully. She only dragged herself out of bed to go to the bathroom and after she decided to make something to eat for the both of them.
As she took out the milk she felt her chest hurt, as if she had received terrible news. The feeling of discomfort pressed her shoulders down as if she was being pushed to the ground by an unknown force. She stopped for a second, her head pounding as if someone had hit her, and then the overwhelming sensation of crying. She wanted to drop to the ground, curl down and cry desperately.
'Get him out of that room.' Lilith screamed in her head, pulling her out of the spiraling sense of despair.
She made her way to the room, stumbling a little in the hallway and tried to open the door, but to no avail as it was locked. So she knocked.
"Osamu, are you alright?" She said in a troubled tone, the headache was returning. Chills ran up her spine as she got no response, so she knocked again, with more force and desperation.
"Give me a second, I-Iam- I am changing!" He answered, his voice trembled a little, he was not expecting her to come to the room, not before he had calmed down and faked he was not a car crash victim of emotions.
She didn't buy it, so she ran to the kitchen, looking for something to pick the lock inside the kitchen drawers, and she did find something, a long looking bobby pin, or clip, either way it was going to work.
She inserted it on the lock and moved it around in frustration, but hearing the click she longed for, she opened the door quickly, and found Dazai crutched on the ground beside the door, pulling his hair. He had not even heard her come in. Her blood stopped.
She inhaled deep, kept it in for four seconds and let it go in four more.
She crouched down in front of him, finally making him notice her presence. His eyes were open so big it looked like it hurt, his hands were grabbing strands of his hair harshly, there were even some loose hairs on the floor. He looked like a scared kid that had just been found after getting lost in a forest. She placed her hands on his hair, placing them around his tight fists, and then tried to get him to lose the grip he had on his hair.
"It's okay, we are fine, I'm here, you can let go of your hair now" She whispered in a soft and sweet voice, his eyes still had panic inside them but she felt his hand relax on hers, so she smiled at him.
"Thank you, honey" She said, as she started to breathe deeply and loudly, and he unconsciously started to mimic her respiration.
She looked at him as he looked at the floor. She placed her hands on his face, slightly squishing his cheeks trying to feel his pulse and hoping the pressure would give him some tranquility.
"How can I help you?" She asked softly and the letargic man still sitting on the floor, knees held close.
"Leave" He said coldly, with no emotion.
"I can't do that, so give me another option" She said with her voice full of compassion but unwavering, letting him know she was not going to comply with his demand.
"Just fucking leave, I don't want you here" He said, his tone was a mixture of anger, sadness and frustration.
"I'm sorry but I won't leave, and I don't believe that you don't want me here, I think you just don't know what to do with yourself" She whispered, still holding onto his face, he shot her an angry look.
"Get the fuck away from me" He said as he took her wrist harshly and pulled her hands from his face. She raised her hands as if surrendering. The look on her eyes and face did not change, even with the sudden venom Dazai was throwing at her.
"That's okay, I won't touch you if you don't want to, I'm still here for you, and will be for as long as you need or want, no matter how mean you get" She said smiling at him, while resting her face on her hands, looking at him, almost lovingly, and Dazai wanted to cry.
"Why?" He asked, the coldness of his voice turned into insecurity.
"Because you are not only what you do when you are hurt, I know this is only a part of you that you probably don't like much, and if you think I will pity you or judge for it, you, my dumb pretty friend, are wrong" She said almost jokingly, as if there was nothing serious going on, and that made the brutte's shoulders relax.
"Now, how about you tell me what makes you feel better when things get bad? And don't say anything self harming because I will flick you in the forehead" She said pointing a finger gun at him, and he chuckled at the irony, he actually did, and it caught him off guard.
He took a second to think, the words of judgment still echoing in his head but the screams have turned into normal conversations, allowing him to not want to rip his hair out.
"Can... I want to lie down, but can... can you lay on top of me? I want to feel pressure...kind of squished" He whispered innocently, like a little kid, and the woman in front of him smiled childishly.
"Oh but of course, just don't complain if I am heavy, okay? You are the one who buys me donuts every damn day..." She said as she stood up and lent him a hand so he could stand up, and they both walked over the bed. The man lay down on his stomach, his arms hugging the pillow and she laid on her stomach on top of him, playing with the hair of the troubled detective.
She was subtly checking for wounds or scratches on his head, but she found none, whatever he had done to himself was superficial, no blood was drawn, and she let out a sigh in relief. She closed her eyes as well and they both stayed like that for a little while, syncing their breathing and enjoying the silence.
She felt him move a little, and she took it as an indication for her to move, so she rolled to the side and looked at the man beside her. He looked calmer, still, his eyes looked sad and tired, the kind of eyes you only see on war veterans.
"I am hungry" He whispered in a raspy voice, as if he had not drank water in a year.
"Let's go eat then" She said as she caressed his cheek. They both stood up slowly and made their way to the kitchen. Dazai took a seat and watched her cook again, his hand keeping his face in place.
"How did you know? I did not make a sound" He asked rather curiously, he was careful, there was no indication of what was going inside the room, and she was busy and concentrated on making breakfast.
"I felt it...what you were feeling, so did I...probably not in the same intensity, but still knew you were drowning" She answered with nervousness in her tone. She knew that if he knew, guilt would crawl up his skin and bones, but then again, she did not want to lie to him.
She was facing the stove, and giving his back to him, and Dazai was thankful, because the expression on his face was covered in shock and guilt.
'Did I hurt her? Did I do that to her? Did she feel the pain, emotional or physical? Did I fucked up? Fuck fck I cant have this, I really cant...'
Thoughts rained down on him again, the feeling of guilt made the blood on his veins feel heavy and burned his skin.
"Whatever you are thinking, stop it. I am fine, I did not hear what you were thinking, nor felt the things you were exactly feeling, if I could explain it... it was as if I knew what feelings you were having and felt them in my own interpretation..." She said, now facing him, she kept looking up the ceiling in different spots as if to find the right answers in there, she kept making silly faces, like she had thought of a word but didn't like it so she threw it away and so on. He let out a laugh.
"You are weird" He whispered.
"Oh, excuse me mister normal, the most average person ever, not a single silly quirk in this man, just a common lad!" She said sarcastically, turning to flip a pancake, and they both laughed.
"I am not average and now you know it" He said, raising his eyebrow and smirking, the girl opened her eyes in surprise and turned to face the stove to hide her blush.
"You... why... bye" She stuttered and kept on cooking, and he smiled softly.
They ate their breakfast as if nothing happened. Talking about how they thought most shows were boring, and that maybe they should rewatch Glee or watch a Korean historical drama.
Dazai liked how she looked on his shirt, she wore it like it was no big deal, as if she had made that piece of his clothing hers. She liked how he excused himself for a moment and returned with a loose shirt and some pants, but no bandages, the scars on his skin visible, even the one around his neck, that was the one he hid the most, his skin was a different color and texture from the burning the friction of ropes had left. They were watching TV, a soap opera none of them knew was on.
"This is going to happen a lot, you know? And worse, this was actually kind of tame, a good day even" He said looking at the TV, but not paying any attention to it.
"Are you trying to scare me? Because a lot of people have tried, and here I am, on your shirt watching a soap opera after eating pancakes, I am not scared of breakdowns, manic depression, anxiety attacks, or whatever, that is literally my area of expertise" She said, slowly turning to him. They were on the couch, his arm around her, her head on his shoulder.
"So... don't try to scare me away, if you are not ready for this, then say it, but be it because you are not prepared to have a relationship, not because you don't think you deserve it, because you do deserve to be loved and cared for, I am willing to take that job if you offer, but you decide what's best for you" She said, her voice started strong and confident, and it drowned down into a whisper as the possibility of her being rejected became real. She was no longer looking at him, but at the TV.
The silence made her feel stuck, she had known the man beside her was quicksand, once you are in, you have to cease to struggle and either let yourself be sucked into unknown territory or pull yourself up with a rope, and she let herself drown, hoping there was something on the other side.
"I... want to be an us..." He said softly, the hint of unusual nervousness in his voice made it tremble a little. She turned to see the lanky man on her right and saw that the confident detective had turned into an insecure man, looking at the floor.
"I feel a 'but' coming" She whispered and he furrowed his eyebrows, still looking at the ground.
"But I want it to stay a little private for a while at least..." the usually loud and talkative man said in a whisper, she felt a needle in her chest, her insecurities running wild in her mind as she tried to keep a straight face in order not to worry the man that had just calmed down.
"Don't think I am ashamed of you or that I want to hide the fact that there is an... us, I am just scared for you. My reputation is not the best, neither romatically nor professionally" He stumbled on some words, as if he did not try hard enough to put together what he was thinking into words, and even though it sounded reasonable it did not alleviate the sense of rejection the girl next to him was feeling.
"I can take care of myself" She said with fake confidence, Dazai was not the only one that could put on a mask and play a role.
"You can take care of yourself, as your own, but being something of mine is not an easy task. People try to take away everything for me, because I have done the same to them. In the games I play, caring for people makes you weak, and I don't think I can handle losing someone else" His brown eyes now look at the shadow that follows him around and haunts his nights and days. He had put her in an uncomfortable position, she had to accept the fact she would be a hidden relic and not an art piece meant to be displayed.
He could feel her doubt, her knee was bouncing up and down, and she was biting her lip. She didn't like this terms and conditions, but Dazai wanted her to protect her at least from others, since she didn't let him protect her from himself.
"We will still go out and do what lovers do, I will still flirt with you and kiss you and spin you around, I just won't call you mine in public" He turned to face her, he can't run away forever, he has to see what his words and his actions are doing to her, as her face showed sadness and confusion.
"But...are we...will you even be..." She started to mumble to herself as a way to comprehend what was going on inside her head and heart. This didn't feel completely right for her, but oh god, she wanted him, and if all she got from him was just a taste, she would sell her bones for it.
"I won't kiss anyone else, I won't touch anyone else, I won't be with anyone else, it's a promise I am willing to make to you, if you accept to be mine and only mine, and let me warn you, it's a demanding job..." He took his face with his hand, forcing her to face him. The insecure gloom he was wearing was covered with the need of power and control.
"If I call, you answer, if I want you, you give yourself to me, if I say, you do, we made a blood pact after all..." He said slyly, his eyes getting darker without him even noticing and she looked at them directly, her insecure face turned into a smirk and a raised eyebrow.
"It's a pact, everything's equal. Whatever you give to me, I'll return to you, so what you say, pretty boy?" She said in her fake confident tone.
He just pushed her face close to his and gave her a passionate kiss. Sealing the deal, they both have signed a deal with a demon and will pay the consequences of it in the future.