(1)
Nul realized the depth of their insanity when they started seeing Karyn. They had long since begun to understand that their melding with Akanos had gone wrong somewhere. The hallucinations were a relatively minor problem, and the disconnect from time and the world around them had become a source of frustration. It was easy for them to lose track of days as they worked on various designs in their room. But that had been manageable. Even through the hallucinations and the divorce from the flow of time, Nul had been able to work and that was enough. Then Karyn appeared.
She never said anything, and more often than not she was whole. The few times Karyn appeared with the wound in her chest had left Nul catatonic with grief for hours but those were few and far between. Still, her very presence was enough to destroy any semblance of concentration Nul had. It was also very clearly Nul's hallucination.
Most of their hallucinations up to that point had been from Akanos's past. Usually his old colleagues or visions of his homeland. Sometimes Nul spent the day working in Akanos's old workshop, sometimes they were in the secret library hidden outside of Uhlara. Akanos had always been the source of the fabrication, until now.
Nul sat on their bed, attempting to read through some of their notes, and failing, while Karyn sat behind them, combing out their hair. It was long and tangled, a far cry from the clean cut Karyn had given them. Even as Karyn worked a comb through their hair, catching knots and tangles, it never straightened or became any neater. Karyn wasn't there, just a figment of Nul's fracturing mind sent to torment them.
The rest of the room was split in half, one part looking like a normal bedroom, the other a splintered menagerie of lecture halls from the lost kingdom. Dead scholars wandered freely back and forth, sometimes watching Nul, sometimes ignoring them.
Nul made a consistent effort to focus on their notes and ignore the insanity surrounding them. They were beginning to succeed when a hallucination of Roran pulled their notebook out of their hands and waved a hand in their face.
"Are you okay?" he asked.
Nul tried to retrieve their notebook but the hallucination pulled it further away.
"Nul? Hello? Are you there?"
Nul blinked. The hallucinations were gone, all except for the ones of Karyn and Roran. Roran gently grabbed Nul's shoulder and gave them a shake.
"Sorry, I was lost in thought," said Nul.
"It's okay," said Roran. "I'm sorry to just enter your room. I knocked a few times and you didn't answer. When I peeked inside, you seemed pretty out of it."
"Like I said, lost in thought. What do you need?"
"I'm fighting Destra in a couple of days, I was hoping you could adjust my etchings before then."
Nul nodded. "Right, that's a week away?"
Roran shook his head, looking confused. "It's in two days. I've been trying to prepare on my own but I can't do anything about my etchings."
"Right. What do you need?"
"I want to be able to take off my robes and I need to be able to slip past lyhlim wards. The last time I was around them for too long they made me hallucinate and pass out."
Nul glanced back at Karyn who was still happily combing away at Nul's hair. "I can appreciate how frustrating that is."
"I would also like to hide the aspect of death whenever I draw on Sarah. Having a massive specter behind me is a bit noticeable."
Nul gestured to the chair at their desk. "Have a seat." Roran looked at the chair, then at Nul, then raised an eyebrow. Both the desk and chair were piled high with books, scrolls, and notebooks. "Just put them anywhere."
Roran very gently removed the pile of knowledge and sat down on the chair. Nul sidled up behind him and began straightening out the silken black robes that clung to him like a ghost.
"How long will it take you to design the changes?" Roran asked.
"I can implement them now."
"Oh."
Nul wasn't sure why that surprised Roran. Nul had been designing godspells for a couple years now. They knew Roran's etchings better than anyone else alive, better than anyone else ever could. The markings were Nul's play thing. Crafting designs was as easy to them as breathing.
Nul's own etchings shifted and changed, granting themself the ability to freely manipulate Roran's godpsell, and they slipped their hands into his back. Roran stiffened slightly before relaxing. He didn't know how Nul was changing his etchings and that was for the best. He wasn't squeamish, but Nul didn't think he would like the idea of Nul physically reaching into his body and soul.
Prodding around with delicate fingers, Nul felt out the intricate lacework of power lines that made up Roran's godspell. Where Nul's spell was flexible and easily twisted, Roran's was like a deathshroud, carefully tied together to hold otherworldly powers within a human host. At the center of that shroud was a pile of shattered glass.
Sarah's remains had changed since Nul put them into Roran's body. The carefully constructed spell was slowly pulling her back together in the same formation she had been when she shattered. It was a time consuming process that required Roran's own lifeforce, shaving years off his lifespan. Most of the fine dust had congealed into small shards and several pieces were now sticking together, attempting to form a base. The progress was good, better than Nul had expected. If they were able to refine the process they could finish faster than originally planned. Getting the duration down to as little as a decade would be within the realm of possibility. If that worked, Roran might still have a decade or two of life left in him when all was said and done.
Going back to the task at hand, Nul began to reweave the lacework, carefully separating some parts and folding others. Like a master seamstress, Nul reworked the shroud into a new configuration within minutes. When they had stitched down the last seams and tidied everything back into working order, they withdrew their hands from Roran's body.
"How does that feel?" Nul asked.
Roran closed his eyes and rolled his shoulders. "Good, I think. It's hard to tell that you did anything. Were you able to do everything I needed?"
"Yes and no. Making you relatively immune to the lyhlim wards was simple enough. You'll still feel ill around them but you should be able to function for several hours without blacking out. The robe was trickier. I added a design to hide them. You'll have to consciously activate it like any other etching, though they'll still appear whenever you draw on Sarah. The same goes for the aspect of death I'm afraid. There is nothing I can do to hide that. Her powers, her robes, her spectral form. The cost of being part lyhlim I'm afraid."
Roran shrugged. "I'll manage. Thank you."
Roran stood and stretched, readjusting the robes around his shoulders. Nul sat down on the bed next to the hallucination of Karyn. She immediately took up the comb and began trying to fix Nul's hair again.
"Roran," Nul asked. "Can you do me a favor?"
"Of course, anything."
Nul hesitated, feeling self conscious...feeling insane. "Are there any remnants in this house? Aside from the ones inside us, I mean."
Roran frowned then shook his head. "No, not that I'm aware of."
"Can you check?"
His frown deepened. "Is everything okay?"
"Please, just check for me and don't ask anymore questions."
"Okay."
Roran closed his eyes. Nul imagined they felt a tingle as Roran's spiritual presence expanded outward from his body, though they had no evidence that such things could actually be felt by the living. Akanos cringed internally, hiding further inside the recesses of Nul's etchings.
Roran opened his eyes and shook his head. "The only remnant in this house is Akanos. Nobody else."
Nul glanced over at Karyn, still happily combing away. "I see, thank you."
"Nul, are you okay?"
"Yes, I'm fine," Nul said instinctively. "Just a little overwhelmed. We're doing big things."
"Yes, and you need to be clear headed for them."
"Do I seem like I'm not clear headed?"
"You seem like you're going insane," Roran said.
"They say genius and insanity are two sides of the same coin."
Roran scowled. "Please don't quote Akanos to me."
Nul opened their mouth to protest, then froze. Roran was a lyhlim, lying to him was impossible. Instead they shrugged. "I'm fine."
Roran continued to scowl at Nul. Then he shook his head and turned away. As he left, he said, "Please take care of yourself. We need you now more than ever."
(2)
After Roran left, Nul settled back down onto their bed. They brought their knees up to their chest and squeezed them until their shoulders popped. Behind them, Karyn kept working away with the comb.
Is it gone?
"What?"
Your lyhlim friend. Is it gone now? I can't sense it any longer.
"Roran? Yes, he's gone."
There was a shift inside Nul as Akanos expanded back through their etchings, retaking his place inside them. The hallucinations returned in a nauseating flash of swirling light. The room was once more filled with scholars and pupils. Fractals of other times and places scattered themselves along the walls.
You can't trust them. They mean to kill me and rob you of your rightful place in the world.
"And what rightful place is that?"
Why, your rightful place as the greatest scholar to have ever lived. You carry a repository of knowledge more vast than anything this world has known. You have the ability to bend reality as you see fit. You have a genius scholar living inside your mind to mentor and guide you. You are the Keeper of Lost Knowledge. It is your right to lead this world into a new age with yourself holding the reins. All we have to do is leave these fools to die, travel far enough into the outlands that the Kings will never reach us, and start fresh.
"You've asked me to abandon my friends countless times. What makes you think I will actually do it this time?"
This is the first time your hallucinations included someone you knew. Your little gypsy friend is telling you it's time to go. She's warning you from beyond the grave.
"Her name was Karyn, and she was a Talyrian Priestess, the best one this world has seen in over a century."
The only one this world has seen in over a century.
"Fuck off," said Nul, and they climbed off their bed. Nul quickly threw on their boots and readjusted their clothes so they looked halfway presentable.
Where are you going?
"You can read my mind. You know exactly where we're going."
Fine, I will amend my question, why are we visiting your mother?
Nul didn't respond. When they were frustrated with Akanos, it was common for them to ignore him and let him search their mind for answers. That wouldn't work this time as Nul didn't have an answer. They didn't know why they were going to visit their mother. There was no reason for it and it wouldn't accomplish anything, but they still left the house and headed towards the city center, leaving their hallucinations behind.
As a sitting Queen, Nul's mother was given free reign over a large mansion near the King's Arena. Though they had never visited it before, Nul knew where it was, primarily so they knew to avoid it. Today, they marched through another unseasonably cold day and straight to their mother's front door. Nul forced themself to knock before they lost their courage.
The door was quickly answered by a tall man with a tight face and a deep scowl. He stared down at Nul with more than a little disdain and said, "We do not deal with your kind. There are much better places to beg in this city. Begone before I summon the city guard."
It took Nul a moment to process the comment, long enough that the man shut the door in their face. Realizing what had transpired, Nul let out a groan and rubbed their face with their hands. Never before had they been seen as a vagrant, not even when they were traveling on the open road.
Nul knocked again. The same man answered the door, his scowl growing even deeper. Before he could speak, Nul said, "I am the eldest Ambrose, I am here to see my mother."
The man wrinkled his nose and turned to speak to someone inside. Annoyed, Nul retrieved their marker medallion and prepared to show it to the irritable man. Before they could, the man stepped aside and a well built woman stepped into the doorway. She wore glimmering white robes, was covered in etchings, and had a solid gold bangle on her wrist, the symbol of the King's Court. She was a Champion set to guard the Queen.
Nul stared at the Champion and the Champion stared back. A look of recognition crossed her face and her eyes went wide.
"What are you doing?" asked the irritable man. "Get rid of them!"
The Champion ignored the man and said, "I'm surprised to see you here, Worldbreaker."
Nul, even more annoyed now, frowned and said, "I'm just here to visit my mother."
Turning to the man, the Champion said, "I can confirm that this is the heir to house Ambrose. Inform the Queen that her eldest child is here to see her."
"This thing is the Queen's heir?" snapped the man.
"This thing is the greatest etcher this city has ever seen and could rip you in half with ease. They could rip me in half if they decided to put in some effort. Go inform the Queen."
Still looking uneasy, the irritable man straightened his suit and strutted away, heading deeper into the house. The Champion stepped aside, allowing Nul to enter. Feeling self conscious after the exchange, Nul combed their fingers through their hair, catching several knots along the way. If only the hallucination had actually been able to comb out the knots.
"I heard you performed some amazing feats in the war," said the Champion. "I even managed to see some of them. I'm Eyana the Lionheart. I fought in the war as well."
"I'm sorry you were involved in that mess."
Eyana shrugged. "It was worth it. We got payback for what those bastards did to our city. It helps that I got a title and a promotion to go with it. Guarding the Queen's home is an easy enough job."
"You said you saw some of my feats?" Nul asked, feeling nervous. Showing off their abilities was something they had been trying to avoid.
"I was in the siege of the Esmun Isles. I saw you bring down their steel balloon. I didn't know what it was at first. All we saw was a blinding flash of light and the ruin of melted steel it left behind. Honestly, it terrified me. I think people only believed it was real at all because they heard that you were the one to do it. You're the only Champion alive capable of using a spell like that."
To date, Nul had only used that spell twice. Once on the Esmun Isles, and once to bring down General Ahndor's ship. Hopefully there wouldn't be a third time.
The irritable man came back, his scowl having returned to a more reasonable state. He glared at Nul and said, "The Queen will see you now."
(3)
The Queen's manor made Darling's luxurious home look like a cottage. The ceilings were high and adorned with mosaics of fairy rock. Portraits of former Queens hung from the walls and plush carpet covered the floors. As they walked through the halls, Nul saw a wide variety of rooms ranging from sitting rooms, dinings halls, a small ballroom, and even what appeared to be a large open bath.
Nul watched various figures move throughout the house as they walked. Some were clearly from Akanos's past, while others wore the standard attire of servants and caretakers, and a few more were ambiguously dressed, leaving Nul to wonder if they were real or another symptom of their fracturing mind.
They worked their way deep into the manor until they reached a small sitting room, filled with a pair of plush couches and a coffee table of polished stone between them. Queen Vivienne Ambrose sat on one of the couches, her back straight and her legs crossed, waiting patiently with her hands folded in her lap.
The irritable man stopped before entering the room and knocked on the doorframe. "Your Majesty, I have brought you the visitor."
Vivienne's gaze drifted from the man to Nul. She pursed her lips, narrowing her eyes as she took in Nul's appearance.
"Thank you, Isaac, that will be all."
"Are you sure, your Majesty?"
"Quite, be off now. You have work to do and I would prefer to speak to my child in private."
"As you wish." The irritable man called Isaac bowed and departed, leaving Nul alone with their mother.
"Shut the door behind you," said Vivienne.
Nul did as they were told and went to sit across from their mother. A teapot sat on the table between them along with two cups and dishes for milk and sugar.
"Isaac isn't as competent as Amus was," said Vivienne. "But I suppose Amus set an exceptionally high bar. I don't think I'll ever be able to replace him."
"Nobody in this world is replaceable," said Nul, scanning the room to see if the vision of Karyn had followed them across the city. Seeing nothing, Nul poured themself a cup of tea, heaping it with milk and sugar. Their hands trembled slightly as they stirred their drink. A quick adjustment to their etchings fixed the shaking but summoned the ghostly visage of an ancient scholar staring out one of the windows.
"Indeed," said the Queen. "There are many things I wish to ask you, though I feel obligated to start with this one: are you alright?"
Nul paused, confused by the question. Not because they thought they appeared fine-Nul was well aware of how miserable they looked-but because they hadn't expected their mother to care.
"I'm well enough."
"Are you sure? You seem...less sane than usual."
Nul blinked, unsure of how to respond.
"And your hair is an utter mess. I was not a fan of your previous style but at least that was clean and well kept."
"A friend of mine used to manage my hair for me. She was killed in the attack and I have not adjusted well to her passing."
"That was almost a year ago, child, you need to adapt and move on. I still haven't adjusted to losing Amus but you don't see me moping around without him."
"Karyn wasn't a servant, she was my friend!"
"And you think Amus wasn't a friend to me?" Vivienne snapped back. "He was my closest friend and confidant, he was my right hand. He was the only person I felt I could lean on when your father passed away."
Nul hesitated. Their mother rarely had emotional outbursts, especially ones so full of heartache.
"I know that I am cold and distant," said Vivienne. "That doesn't mean I'm incapable of caring for people. I'm not the heartless bitch people like to think I am."
Nul nearly dropped their tea cup upon hearing their mother swear. In all their years, it was the first time they had ever heard vulgarity from her. Silence stretched between them. After a moment, Nul muttered an apology and they both sipped their tea.
"I apologize for the outburst," began Vivienne. "I've been under a lot of stress lately. Founder's Month will be upon us soon and I will be losing my seat as Queen. My days have been filled with meetings and arrangements to seal our family's power before I lose my throne. I'm doing my best to ensure Maverick has a healthy province to inherit."
"You're giving the province to Maverick?" Nul asked.
"Of course, you've made it abundantly clear you have no desire to run it. Does that upset you?"
"No, of course not. I'm just surprised that you finally agreed to pass it on to him instead of me."
"Things have changed since the attack. I realize now that your skills make you uniquely qualified for performing certain roles, ones that would be wasted running a province like ours. You are my child, and you will always be a part of our family, but I see now that giving our province to your younger brother is the better choice."
"Thank you," said Nul.
"No need. Now, what did you come to talk to me about?"
Nul didn't answer. The truth was they didn't have anything in particular that they wanted to talk about. They had come here on a phantom whim, it was an illogical action by an insane person. Not wanting to admit that, they said the first thing that came to mind.
"Roran will fight Destra soon."
"I'm aware. I've been discussing this with the other Queens and your friend's sister. She's a clever girl, that Darlinea. Tell me, what do you intend to do once Roran has conquered the final Chosen?"
The question surprised Nul. None of this conversation had gone how they had expected. "You think he can win?"
"Of course, the other two Chosen have fallen and I'm under the impression that Ahdnor's disappearance was entirely your fault. The other Queens aren't as convinced in Roran's prowess, but they'll come around. My concern is what will happen after Destra falls. The Kings are already on edge as it is. Balaki has started going on rants late into the evening while Tasos has stopped drinking altogether. Vassilis appears to be acting normal, though he has always been hard to read and I don't think Theresea has been very observant since her son's passing. She's still grieving, poor thing."
"We don't have a solid plan yet," Nul admitted. "We never planned for Roran to fight any of the Kings in the arena. Kell was our initial choice, but I don't think she'll be able to stand against them. She doesn't have the advantages Roran and I do."
Vivienne tapped her chin. "I think you may be forced to have Roran fight whether you like it or not. He's the one defeating Destra, which means he's the only one earning the right to challenge a King. You may need to adjust your plans. I hate to sound cruel, but if Kell isn't capable of helping, then it's time to remove her from the equation."
Nul squeezed their teacup, letting the porcelain edges dig into their palms. The very idea of abandoning Kell made their stomach churn.
"I don't think we can do that."
"Nul, I don't think you're going to have a choice. You yourself said she isn't ready for that fight, if she isn't able to get herself there then she needs to be let go. No matter how you feel about her as a friend, you need to think of her as an asset. We're playing games that sway the fate of the entire empire, of the world even, there is no room for kindness at this table."
Nul didn't respond. Their mouth was filled with the acrid taste of bile as they thought of telling Kell she had to sit on the sidelines for this fight.
"Well, when you solidify your plans, be sure to let me know so me and the others can plan accordingly. Now if you'll excuse me, I have many things to do today that I've already pushed aside for long enough. And please send word before you visit me next time. As glad as I am that you came to me, I need time to schedule you in."
Vivenne finished her tea, rose and departed, leaving Nul with a half empty cup of cold tea and a pit in their stomach. A moment later, Isaac appeared at the door.
"I will show you out now."
Nul let themself be shepherded out of the manor, getting little more than a passing smile from Eyana as they left. Moving out into the street, Nul watched as the world around them began to crack and shatter. Gaping wounds formed in reality, showing glimpse of other places and times. The many faceted world of Akanos's past slowly bled into Nul's perception until they could no longer tell the past from the present.
Your mother is a fool, Akanos snapped, the volume of it making Nul wince. She sees only what she has to gain. I'm telling you again, we must flee. This is a fool's errand, one that will get us killed!
"Please stop," Nul muttered, feeling faint. The swirling backgrounds were beginning to make them dizzy and they could no longer tell which direction was home. Nul grabbed their head in a vain attempt to stop it from spinning.
No! Your death is my death! We need to stop playing these games and prioritize what truly matters, our own survival. We need to-
The world snapped back into sudden clarity as Akanos fled back into the deep reaches of Nul's etchings. Before them stood Rath, smiling his sad old smile.
"You look a little lost," he said, his voice soft and gentle.
"I...I uh-"
"It's quite alright, we all get a little lost from time to time, especially those who've had a rough few years like yourself. Here, let me help you." Rath extended his hand out to Nul.
Nul stared at the hand, feeling like a silly child. "I'm sorry, things have been hectic lately. I'm-"
"Please, do not worry about it. Let's get you home and into bed. You are desperately in need of some sleep."
Rath gently took Nul's hand and led them through the streets back towards Darling's house. Being next to Rath made Nul feel calm, as though all of their demons had finally been chased away. With Akanos finally silenced, Nul let themself be taken home.