I've spent the last twenty-four hours trying to convince myself that losing my virginity to Hunter isn't a big deal. In the moment, it didn't feel like it. In all actuality, it was extremely underwhelming, disappointing, and painful.
All this hype, all this pressure—over that? Over something I wanted to be over as soon as it started. Is that normal? Does everyone feel this way afterwards?
I'm scared of him telling everyone. Of him and his friends talking about him. Of him repeating to them what he told me. The words that broke me in half and crushed any last remaining pieces of me from before.
You're a pathetic fucking cunt, Auden. There's so much I can say about you, like how fucking unattractive you are naked. Of course, Raven was better. So was Wednesday, and every other girl compared to you. Look at you.
His words destroyed me. Making me shrivel into myself. I feel disgusted with myself. Completely used and inexplicably unhappy. So unhappy that I have not left my bed within those twenty-four hours besides to use the bathroom and shower until my skin felt raw. Attempting to scrub myself of the filth I felt. I can't scrub away my thoughts. I can't scrub away the cruel words that play on a loop inside my mind.
My boyfriend said those words to me. Someone I care about. Someone I've given so much to. I would never say something so horrible to anyone, especially my boyfriend. How can he be so horrible? How can he say and do such awful things and have zero remorse? He's supposed to love me, take care of me, look after me.
When I go back to school tomorrow, will everyone know? What if everyone calls me a slut? What if everyone laughs at how pathetic I am. The girl who had sex with her boyfriend despite knowing he cheated on her.
The way he laughed at me after. The way he made fun of my body. The way he compared me to Wednesday and Raven. Confirming that he cheated on me, even though he made me feel fucking crazy for even asking if he did just before.
What if he leaves me now? What if he got what he wanted from me, and now he's done with me?
Another conquest. Another girl he can slut shame.
There's a quiet knock on my door. The last person I want to see is Katherine. She only makes me feel worse about myself.
I pull my covers over my head, trying to hide from the world.
"Auden?" Henry's voice enters my room. "Are you okay?"
I squeeze my eyes shut, hoping he'll leave. I don't want to be bothered. I want to be left alone. I want to lay in bed forever, pretending the outside world doesn't exist.
Eventually, my door closes again, with Henry giving up and leaving me be.
I hate my life. I hate myself.
My eyes grow misty. Squeezing them shut tightly, I try to stop myself from crying because I've done enough of that since I moved here.
***
I fold my arms across my chest, trying to hide how shaky they are. So far, people don't seem to be looking at me any differently than they did before the weekend. Maybe Hunter hasn't told anyone. Maybe I've been overthinking the whole thing.
I don't know where I stand with Hunter, as we haven't spoken since that night. I don't know what I want anymore. I'm not even sure if I can take feeling like this any longer. I'm reaching my breaking point. Yet he knows how to suck me back in every time.
I'm so tired. Physically and mentally.
Nervously, I glance over at the stairs where Hunter and his friends always hang out before class starts. As usual, they're all there. Goofing off and chatting. I debate continuing to walk, ignoring their existence altogether. I'm not sure if I can do this today. I wish I could escape for a month.
Just live in a cabin in the middle of nowhere. Not a person in sight. Away from everything and everyone.
I decide that I cannot in fact do this or I will most certainly break down in front of everyone and decide to head straight for my class. I can't handle cruel comments today. I can't handle being scared of him hurting me. I can't handle being put down more than I already have been.
There's no hiding today how miserable I feel.
"Auden." My body freezes as Hunter's voice approaches from behind me. He grabs onto my arm, turning me around.
My heart is thudding in my chest. A part of me wants to just pretend nothing ever happened. That way we don't fight, and I can avoid his temper for a while longer. That's the easier option. Pretend, pretend, pretend.
But another part of me wants to be angry at him for the things he said. He knew losing my virginity was a big deal to me. He knew how nervous I was, and he treated me so horribly after. I don't want to let him off so easily as I've done in the past. Even if it means him hitting me.
I inhale a sharp breath, then pull my arm away from his grasp.
"Hey." He says. "Do you think we can talk real fast?"
"No." I snap. "I'm tired, Hunter. I can't do this right now." I attempt to straighten my back to come off more confident than I actually feel. So I appear more sure of myself. But my entire body is beginning to tremble, and I feel the anger dissolving and turning into fear. I shouldn't talk to him like that. I shouldn't make a scene.
Hunter scoffs, then runs a hand along his jaw. "Yeah, uh, that's what I wanted to talk to you about. I think we should break up." He says it so nonchalantly that I think I might've misheard him.
What? What the hell? Break up?
My heart begins to pound loudly in my chest. My confident stance falls as I coil into myself. My eyes wide.
"I've felt this way for a while. I'm just not attracted to you anymore." He gives me a fake sympathetic look. Holy shit. He's breaking up with me. Right after having sex with me. So he is done with me. Is that the only thing he ever wanted? Now he can be with Raven? Why didn't he say this before pressuring me into sex with him?
My hands clench into tight fists. I'm so angry. So upset. A million emotions are coursing through me.
I can't talk. My jaw hangs slack. This can't be happening. He's breaking up with me? After everything he's put me through? I want to scream. I want to punch him in the face.
He shifts feet. "Auden, I know what you're thinking, but it has nothing to do with Raven. I just..." He runs his fingers through his hair, like this is difficult for him to say. "I can't handle all your insecurities. It's too much."
A bitter laugh escapes my mouth. The first sort of reaction from me. "Are you serious?"
The bell rings, and everyone begins to move around us. Some people staring as they pass by, trying to figure out what's happening. "I had sex with you." I hiss under my breath, then look around to make sure nobody heard that. "That may not mean anything to you, but it means a lot to me."
"Auden, obviously it meant a lot to me too. I meant to tell you sooner, but we got carried away the other night before I could say anything." He sighs before reaching out and holding onto my shoulders. "Look, maybe I'll change my mind. I don't know. I've just lost feelings for you, and I'm sorry. I feel sorry for you, since, you know, now you don't have anyone."
I jolt away from him, my eyes narrowing. "Save it." I seethe. "You got what you wanted." I can't manage any more words as I feel the sob leaping up my throat. This is not at all what I imagined would happen. I imagined us pretending nothing happened, as usual. Falling into the same pattern. I never imagined him breaking up with me. This is so sudden. So out of the blue.
Before he can crush my heart any more than he already has, I turn on my heel, my shaky hand raising to cover my mouth as I dive for the nearest bathroom.
I hate him. I feel so much anger for him. But I also am scared of being without him. I'm scared of being alone. Of not having anyone. Of having no friends. What if they all turn on me like they did with Wednesday?
All I wanted was for someone to want me. To love me and choose me.
Yet again, I've been completely let down. My heart feels like it's shredding into a bunch of tiny pieces. I can't take it. I can't take how much I hurt. How sad I feel.
Bringing myself into a stall, I allow myself to shed a few tears. Trying to ease the brokenness inside. He left me. He doesn't want me. I'm not good enough for anyone. He's the best I'll ever get.
What do I do now?