"All this time...did you hate me?"
Your heart was in your throat. His voice was so weak, so uncertain and the look in his eyes as he stared at you made it seems like his life dependent on your reply.
You swallowed the trembling breath trying to escape your lips. Even if it was the chance, a golden opportunity presented to you to break away, you couldn't bring yourself to lie.
You couldn't hurt him with the lie you knew would break his heart. You just couldn't do it.
You lightly shook your head.
The tension in his body melted with the breath he let out. He leaned against the door like he was drained from asking you just that one question.
"You resent me."
You pursued your lips. "I did once."
Silence stretched out as Claude's head lowered slowly.
"Do you regret it?" Claude asked staring at the floor. His hair casted a shadow over his eyes as he looked at you through his bangs. "Falling in love with me?"
You stared at him, heart clenching at his pained expression. Something told you he wasn't looking for an answer from you.
"Do you want me to?" You asked instead.
Claude squeezed his eyes shut. There was a struggle going on within him. Whether it was with him or the situation, you couldn't tell as his closed lids trembled faintly. And finally, his lips parted, "...You died in my arms, in your last breath, you only had regrets and most of them revolved around me." Claude said. You couldn't discern the emotion laced in his low whisper. "When I was dying, I also had regrets, lots of them. But the one that most haunts me was your regret. You regretted it, the love you had for me."
You didn't say anything. There wasn't anything to say. He was speaking the truth.
"But honestly thinking about it, that wasn't my regret, my regret was to let you slip through my fingers. You know I learnt from that?" You shuddered when he lifted his head and you saw the dark emotions swirling violently in his eyes. "It doesn't matter if you regret falling in love with me. It doesn't matter if you hate me, or resent me, the only thing matters is for you to stay with me."
That's right. It didn't matter if the past would create rifts between you and him. It didn't matter if you grew to resent him one day. Rifts and misunderstandings could be mended. Distance could be closed. All that would be possible if you stayed. As long as you remained by his side, no matter how difficult the situation was, everything could be mended. He could repent all his mistakes. He could make up for all the hurt he caused. He could try his best to resolve all the regrets. Things could be set right only if you stayed with him
However, if you disappeared on him, everything would be meaningless. There would be no point in trying to do anything. After all, you can't mend things with someone who disappeared.
"Claude..."
"I rather live with your resentment, your hatred than lose you. I don't want to lose you, (Y/n). I'll say it hundreds of times for you to understand. I won't let you leave me."
A bitter laugh escaped your lips. You shook your head bitterly. "See? I told you, you won't understand. This isn't only about you and me... I...," You bit your lip and looked at him with a sorrowful gaze. "Do you think my biggest regret was my love was for? No, my biggest regret was not able to protect you, Athanasia and everyone I cared for. I watched you all die. I watched everything come to an end. Burn down to ashes. I watch it all, helpless to do anything."
You somehow managed to continue speaking as overwhelming emotions rushed through you.
"I don't want a repeat of that. I'm almost there. Just a little more...Don't stop me, Claude. Please."
Claude clenched his teeth, his hands fisting into a tight ball until his knuckles turned white. "I'll protect everything for you. Nothing will hurt you or anyone."
"I know." You softened. "I know, Claude. That's why I can leave everything in your care without any worry. You will be there to protect them this time and in return, they will protect you too."
Your expression made Claude grit his teeth while veins popped on his neck as he tried to rein in his violent emotions.
Do you know what kind of expression you wore? Could you see the despair and defeat in your eyes that he could see?
"I don't want them," Claude's eyes flashed coldly, the dark gleam in them intensifying. His tone was laced with the stubbornness of a child. "I want you."
"You have me." You said. "You will always have me. I'm only yours."
"Then," Claude pushed off the door and reached out to you. "Don't leave. Stay with me. Whatever the problem is, we both can resolve it together. Like we have done till now."
You stepped back and plopped down on your bed. Why was it so hard to convince him?
You were relieved and happy that he had gotten far better at expressing his thoughts and feelings but today you felt it was better if he didn't. It was painful to hear his unfiltered thoughts and emotions voiced out desperately. His expressed feelings were too strong for you to simply ignore them.
You rubbed your eyes as you thought of the proper way to make him understand.
Claude took your silence the wrong way. He crouched before you, leaving little space as you asked him to. He let out a heavy breath."..I know I'm not worthy of your love or forgiveness--"
"No!"
You lifted your head and glared at him. And Claude flinched back at the intensity of your annoyance.
"Never say that again. We didn't come this far only for you to revert back. You know you're worth the world. You deserve all the happiness the world can offer. Claude, don't start with the bullshit of not being deserving enough. I'll seriously punch you."
Claude's breathing hitched, heart fluttering despite the situation and he frowned under your stern gaze and opened his mouth. "I don't get it. Then why do you have to leave?"
He was frustrated beyond words. His magic pulsed dangerously, barely suppressed and kept under lock. He was so tempted to lock you up, chain you to him just to calm down the fearful pulse of his heart. His hands tightly fisted on his thighs as he kept them from reaching you.
You lowered your head. "Because I have to. Because that's what's best for everyone."
"Best for who?" Claude snapped and looked like he wanted to shake some sense into you. "For who, (Y/n)? Who's going to be happy about it?"
This time you shrank under his cold stern glare "...You won't understand."
Like a defence, you kept repeating those words.
"You're right." Claude roughly nodded his head. "I don't understand. I don't understand why the fuck you think abandoning us is going to be best for anyone. I don't understand why you keep saying I won't understand. You think I'm an idiot?"
"No," You mumbled, shoulders dropping as you shrink into yourself. "I'm not abandoning anyone. I..."
You were startled when he suddenly grabbed your arms and forced you to look at him.
"Is the damn woman again? Is she forcing you?" Claude asked, his gaze darkened "I'll kill her."
Suddenly all emotions faded away from your eyes. Right, your gaze flickered to the windows and the mist swirling outside. You wasted enough time already. Crazy lady must be waiting for you.
"You know I don't like it when you talk this way." You muttered. Discreetly magic started to gather at the tip of your fingers.
The murderous intent in his eyes dimmed yet not fading entirely. It was fluctuating under the surface, repressed by his want to respect your wish.
He roughly exhaled and a chilling resolve hardened his cold gaze. "I don't care about your fucking reasons. You're not leaving. I'll lock you up in a cage if you keep insisting on leaving."
You felt a chill go down your spine. He wasn't joking. The dangerous chilling look in his eyes proved he was dead serious.
You chewed the inside of your cheek as you looked at his cold expression and dark gaze.
"You know, I tried. I really did." You started. Claude's brows furrowed slightly hearing your weak whispers. "I tried my hardest to move on and forget the past."
Claude's face fell and his hands holding you trembled. "(Y/n).."
"I couldn't though." You laughed dryly. "Each time I thought I left it behind, it came back with vengeance. Now I know, I will never be set free from my past. It always will be with me." You let out a shaky breath as you cupped his face weakly with one hand and caressed his cheek. Your face crumbled as you looked into his eyes and saw the same demons haunting him as they haunted you. The darkness of the past had tinted the light in his eyes. "I never said a word because I didn't want you to carry the same burden. But now--"
Damn you, Celestria. You wanted to cry.
Your focus returned to Claude as you felt him shift under your hold.
Claude clicked his tongue, his eyes downcast and pained.
"The past isn't your burden to carry," He said in somber voice, refusing to let you believe the ridiculous notion of blaming yourself. He laced his fingers through yours and pressed his cheek against them as if seeking strength through your warmth. "I was the one who set in motion everything that happened. I was the perpetrator. I committed so many unforgivable sins. Then tell me, why, " Claude opened his eyes as Celestria's words rang painfully in his mind. "why should you be the one to suffer my sins? Why should you take responsibility for it? If anyone should repent for them, it's me. Not you."
"You have done more than enough to repent,"
"No. It's not enough," Claude whispered, shaking his head. "It's nowhere near enough."
You looked at him silently and lightly nodded. "..You're right. You've done some unforgivable stuff. And it will take a long time and hard work to repent for them. I'm not the only one you have to apologize to and ask forgiveness from. But," You wrapped your arms around his neck and pulled him closer. You kissed the grimace creasing his forehead. "I will embrace all your sins, all your mistakes, all your flaws because you're the man I fell in love with and I don't regret any second of it."
Claude squeezed his eyes shut as his heart raced, a warm feelings stirring up, almost to the point of being painful. There was a reason why he kept falling in love with you each day despite how madly in love he already was. You never excused his behaviour. Never turned a blind eye to his mistakes. Instead, you pushed him to become a better man. Encouraged him to learn and grow. You always believed in him, in his goodness.
It was dangerous, Claude thought as he melted under your touch. It was dangerous to fall in love with someone to this extent.
Claude opened his eyes as he felt you smile against him.
"There are things you did that I hated. Things I resented you for." You said honestly and pressed your forehead against his as Claude stared into your eyes. There was no resentment, no hatred in your gaze. He could only see acceptance and love for him. He shuddered, eyes burning with unshed tears. "But more than that, there are so many things I'm thankful for. Because of you, I have so many beautiful memories. A beautiful child. A beautiful home and a beautiful man I love."
You lightly bopped your nose against his. "You're mine, Claude and so are all your imperfections and flaws. I love you. I love all of you."
Claude could only stare at you, completely taken in by your soft gaze and beautiful smile. He was so focused on you, the feel of your lips on him as you kissed him gently that he failed to notice the flicker of magic.
You opened your eyes and a hard glow glinted within them.
"And that's why I will do anything to protect what's mine. This time I won't fail." You whispered against his lips. Claude leaned back in confusion.
"What are you--!!" Claude widened his eyes when he felt his mana being drained. A wave of fatigue washed over him and his eyes grew heavy. He looked at you, pupils shaking violently. His fingers dug into your skin as he tried desperately to hold on to his consciousness. A look of betrayal sank deep in his fluttering eyes. "You.. don't..."
You caught him as he fell forward and pulled him onto the bed. You were forced to hover over him as he refused to let go of your waist he had grabbed in alarm. You watched him struggle to break free. You closed your eyes. "I'm not a saint either, Claude. I made a lot of mistakes too. This is the only way I can make up for them."
"Don't.. leave," Claude choked out, his body sinking into the bed as his energy was forcefully drained away. "Don't... go.."
Tears started to trail down your cheeks. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Claude. I couldn't keep any of my promises to you. I'm sorry but I can't stay. I have to leave."
Despite his best efforts, his eyes fluttered close, and the bruising grip on your waist loosened. You cried harder as you noticed the look he gave you.
He looked agonized. Like you had taken a dagger and stabbed him through his heart.
You were sure he would never forgive you once he woke up. His resentment at your betrayal would never let him.
Tears dripped on Claude as you trailed kisses all over his face. You spoke words you knew would not reach him in his unconscious state. Still, you wanted to soothe the pain he would feel at your abrupt departure. "For a while, it will hurt. There will come days you won't be able to smile. Maybe you will end up picking your drinking habits again. I hope not. You know why I stopped you in the first place right? It's not good for your health." You paused and took a deep breath as you felt your heart bleed with each word you uttered that resonated with tones of final farewell. "It's okay if you resent me, hate me but please don't push away others. Don't isolate yourself. You can't get through this alone. Let everyone help you move on and help them move on too. I'm pretty sure they will not like my decision either. You can even bond with each other over my crappy decision-making skills and trash-talk me all you want."
You weakly chuckled. "Do you remember what I said once, you know the day I made that bitch empress parade in nest hairdo? I'm sure you do. You always were good at remembering things. Ah, don't you dare dabble in black magic again. Let time do its job if you want to forget me." You pinched his nose and Claude slightly scrunched his nose. You smiled. "Anyway, what was I talking about? Ah, right. You have to believe in your future, Claude. Even if I'm gone, you can't throw away your future. The world has a lot to offer. You have yet to see its beauty. So don't restrict your world to me. Look beyond me. And if possible, give love another chance. Find a person you can picture your future with."
You had to stop and take a deep breath. It hurt to talk.
"It's okay if don't want to. You have Athanasia, Felix, and even your bastard brother. Picture a happy future with them and enjoy your life. Don't be gloomy all the time, okay? I know, it won't be easy, but try for me, for yourself and especially for Athanasia... You can't leave her alone this time. You have to be there for her."
You couldn't speak further as tears clogged your throat. You leaned against his chest, hearing his heartbeat ring in your ears and found solace that it would continue in the future.
"Don't lose hope. Don't fall into despair, Claude. If you can grant me this one last selfish wish, be happy. Please be happy and at peace. Be happy with everyone while looking forward to all the beautiful possibilities of the future."
You buried yourself into his chest and cried, holding onto him as long as you could.
"It's time."
You didn't flinch when you heard a low cold voice behind you.
You wiped your tears as you slowly pulled away from Claude. "I know."
You carefully adjusted Claude into a comfortable position and covered him with the blanket.
Leaning down, you kissed him one last time, breathing in his warmth you knew you would never feel again.
Pulling away, you wiped your eyes and took a deep breath. "Ether, I know you are here."
There was a slight distortion in the air and Ether appeared on the ledge of the window. He was poised to attack, eyes glaring at the entity behind you. He looked soured as you had foiled his plan to attack Celestria.
You dryly looked at him as you felt him gather all his mana for an attack. His eyes glowed menacingly.
"Ether, stop."
The hair on Ether's back stood up straight in shock as the word familiar hovered above your palm, glowing as you used your status as his master for the first time.
He saw the amused curl of his mother looking at him, looking entertained at the turns of events. He growled.
"Ether, stay and protect them." You commanded and like a chain, reaction Ether flinched and bowed his head as his body was forced to follow the command. " Consider them your family and this place your home. Protect them like protected me."
You felt bitter as you saw the hurt and disappointment in his eyes as he was forced to surrender before your words.
You turned away from those eyes and looked at Celestria. " Let's go."
"How very bold," Celestria commented, not looking a bit remorseful at the situation. Her eyes glanced at sleeping Claude and she smiled when you stepped into her sight, blocking her view.
You took two steps and stopped in your tracks. You looked down at the cold feel nestled in your chest.
The blue pendant.
You cherished it a lot. The moment Claude had put it on you, you never separated from it. Not for a second. It had become a part of you as you knew the meaning it carried for Claude and how much trust he placed in you to take care of it.
Many happy memories of you and Claude were built with it, so many of your happy smiles and laughs were captured within it. But now another memory was going to be added to it.
A memory of last farewell and bittersweet goodbye.
Your fingers trembled as they reached for it. You turned around and stepped closer to Claude, eyes dim and tired. You caressed the pendent cold surface a few times before you yanked it off you.
Your heart shuddered painfully. The moment you ripped the pendent away, it felt like a part of your soul was ripped along with it.
You carefully put it in Claude's palm and gently enclosed his fingers around it, trusting it back to him.
"I hope someday you could find a better owner for it. Someone who will truly cherish it for you."
You turned around and walked away, feeling your heart shatter into million pieces as the distance between you and him grew insurmountable.
It was goodbye. There was no more forever. No more false promises to love each other for eternity.
The blue light of the pendant shone through the gap of Claude's fingers as slowly, subconsciously his grip tightened around it, the blue glow almost carrying a sad note to it.
Celestria watched it with an unreadable expression as you stopped in front of her, your eyes no longer having the fire and resilience she came to associate with you.
"...Yes, let's proceed. The story has reached its conclusion. There is no need to dally." Celestria said as cold mist coiled around your body. "I admit, the conclusion was tragic but the beautiful thing about tragedy is, it is never forgotten."